Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Come clean Natalie Portman

Let me preface this by acknowledging that yes, I know this is a petty mean-spirited post. However, for the past 16 years or so, I've spent most of my free time reading trash magazines and more recently, gossip blogs. It's what I do, it's what I know, it's what I have opinions about. These are the issues that matter to me. And highlighting what a douchebag I think Natalie Portman is fits into that. Deal.

I'm not going to lie, I, like many others was once enamoured with Natalie Portman. I thought she was adorable and cute and funny and a decent actress (my favourite quote from 'Garden State': "Are you actually retarded?" Sigh. Such perfect delivery). In hindsight, I cringe at the thought that she duped me too.

She still has many, many loyal supporters and guys LOVE her, but I feel like I've become more aware (through watching her Oscars campaign, reading her interviews, seeing pap shots, reading articles about her etc not actually knowing her - I'm aware of this) of what she's really like and I want to slap her sanctimonious douchey face.

But before I get too violent, let's start with when she first began annoying me. Other than taking herself super seriously (she is in fact renowned for being pretty bitchy in Hollywood Lalaland), her Oscars campaign flipped the switch into full-blown irritating as HELL. Sometimes I wonder if she became pregnant on purpose, to secure an Oscar win. However now I have other theories about her pregnancy that sort of disprove this. But I wouldn't have put it past her. And if you seriously doubt she was campaigning at all, she was, hard and it was in the most annoying way possible. Stay tuned for her Globes appearance.

Aside from the ATROCIOUS fashions she wore during awards season (that satin Victor and Rolf sheet, secured with a red glittery flower? The french twist? vom vom vom) it was her sugary, sweet-as-pie, gag-inducing, holier-than-thou attitude that really did it for me.

Uuuuuuugh. Did you see the way she gazed at that ballerina fool through her lashes? The smug little wanky smile? I feel like nothing about her is genuine. From the second they read her name, she put on a sickeningly beautiful performance. I'm sure many, many people ate this up. I felt sick. "Continuing this creation of bringing more life..." oh my god. Stop. Interviews she did during this time were just as bad. Think quotes such as "I have been swimming every day. When I am in my womb-like environment, I am hoping the baby is feeling peaceful" and "I told Darren Aronofsky, I was like, 'First you got me skinny, and now you're getting me fat,' because he introduced me to my fiance. It's the greatest gift he ever gave me." Ah, plot-foreshadowing, dontcha love it?

Her Oscars speech wasn't as bad, but she still managed to annoy the living daylights out of me. After campaigning so hard, Natalie knew she had this in the bag. She was so sure in fact, she didn't even pretend to act surprised when they read her name. See that smile? That girl has 'entitled' written all over her perfectly gorgeous face. Ugh. Annette Bening for the win.

You probably think I'm being harsh on her. But before 'Black Swan' Portman was snarky, she had an attitude, she was known for how private she liked to be, girl kept her shit locked down. Her bitchface is brilliant. (N.B. I know she is already pregnant in this shot, but this is my favourite favourite bitchface of hers from ever) And then post-nomination, she gets pregnant and she's all about gushing about her private life. Gurl, please.

Anyway. So that was just a little insight into why Natalie Portman annoys me. Not a big deal. I just wanted to demonstrate why I felt so irritated by her. Her campaign didn'y fly with me.

However, in addition to simply making me gag with her 'creating creation' bullshit speech, she also talks about meeting her fiance on the set of 'Black Swan'. Who was in a long-term relationship when he met her. This shady dude is a grade-A douche which you can read about here: His shady past probably helps to explain why he has agreed to marry her and act as her baby daddy. I think he's a money-hungry famewhore and has thus agreed to be Mr. Portman. Probably not a big deal you're thinking, raising the kid, as he does in fact appear to be the father.

But this blind item made me (and most of the internet) think otherwise:
When this famous director dropped out of a high-profile project, there was some speculation that it was due to personal rather than professional reasons. He had broken up with an actress last year, and it was believed that each was taking time off from work to battle over the custody of their child/ren. What isn’t public knowledge is that their breakup was due in large part to his affair with another actress… who became pregnant with his baby. The jury is still out on whether or not any of the three will ever acknowledge the affair and/or the baby's paternity.

The verdict appears to be that Darren Aronofsky is the famous director, the high profile project that was dropped was 'Wolverine', the actress he had broken up with was Rachel Weisz (who may have conducted her own little affair with Daniel Craig) and the custody battle was over their child, Henry. The other actress, is, obviously Natalie Portman...who became pregnant with his baby.

It kills me that this wide-eyed angelic princess used her pregnancy to win an Oscar, after (allegedly) breaking up a marriage to do so. Allegedly. But let's take a look at the pics shall we?

As IF this isn't the real baby daddy:

PHEW. End rant. Fluffy makeup blog to come later in the week.

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