Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Stop slut-shaming Miley

And hop on the bandwagon before you realise you're the only one left. Seriously.

This is not a girl who is going off the rails. This is not a girl who is spiralling out of control. And most importantly, this is not one fucked up ex-Disney kid. In her own words, "it's a strategic hot mess."

But before I delve further and start ranting about my favourite topic lately, let's address the slut-shaming. Why, ladies? Because it's mostly you, judging by those I speak to. To be clear right off the bat, Liam Hemsworth, dreamy Australian dreamboat that he is, cheated on Miley. Apparently multiple times. He stepped out on her with January Jones right back in February and there are many,  many more rumours and blind items in gossip-land where that came from. Even Hollyscoop knows that if Lainey said it, that shit is true.

BUT ANYWAY, Miley likes to party. She is discovering her independence. SHE CUT HER HAIR. Well obviously I guess he HAD to cheat. Please. Trying to put the blame on Miley in this situation is bullshit.

And while we're talking about slut-shaming, in the time Miley was exclusively dating Liam Hemsworth, Taylor Swift publicly dated Taylor Lautner, Jake Gyllenhaal (how could you Jakey?!), John fucking Mayer, Connor Kennedy and Harry Styles (that one still hurts). And those are just the ones we know about. Clearly, slut-shaming Miley is not actually about her being a slut but simply about aesthetic appeal, or lack thereof, according to the vapid masses (though even if she was banging 100 dudes a day, who gives a shit? Ladies we need to stop slut-shaming!)

Really though, she wasn't being 'prettyand sexy and that was the problem. Miley killed Hannah Montana so she's the devil and Taylor Swift apparently spends her free time making jam and continuing to remind you that big bad meanie Kanye West hurt her feelings and can therefore bang as many guys as she wants and still maintain her pristine reputation.

No, seriously:

I'd rather hang out with Miley any day of the week. She is funny, strangely unfiltered, and self-aware (as her SNL hosting gig would attest) and she's refreshingly honest for a celebrity. Especially one that has grown up in the public eye and should, by all intents and purposes, be a robot/incarcerated by now.

If you haven't seen the documentary 'The Movement', hurry up, it's fascinating viewing. It's glaringly obvious that this is somebody who is in control of her career and understands the importance of growing up with your audience in order to have any kind of longevity. Tellingly, her idol is Britney Spears. It was Britney that so successfully did what so many others could not (Christina, Avril, etc). She was one step ahead of her audience but they grew, even 'moved' with her. Miley gets it.

So it doesn't matter that she keeps you talking by dancing half naked and grinding up on Robin Thicke (who, of course, escaped any criticism after the VMAs despite being a middle-aged married man grinding up on a 20-year old girl, but hey, after the vile misogyny in his "Blurred Lines" vid, I guess I should just accept society is down with Robin Thicke and willing to give him a free pass). It just matters that you're talking about Miley.
"That's why I never complain about people wanting autographs or pictures. Because if there were a few days where no one asked, I'd probably be like, 'What the fuck's going on? Do people not like me?' I hate the paparazzi - but when they're not sitting there waiting for, you're like 'Who's bigger news? Who are you trying to get a picture of?'"
See? She gets it. Not all celebrities are that candid, but they're all the same and they're all playing the game.

And FINALLY. She has the talent to back it all up. I think she surprised a lot of people on Saturday night and I think she will continue to do so.

P.S. Read her Rolling Stone interview. Definitely worth ten minutes of your time.

Monday, July 8, 2013

How to cope with the abrupt cancellation of your new favourite show

So that show that you love, the one that you watch every week online to stay super current mere seconds after it first gets broadcast in the US, gets cancelled by those jerks, The Man. Lately, such important artistic works as ‘30 Rock’, ‘The Bitch in Apt 23’ and my personal favourite ‘Good Christian Bitches’ are dead. And yet 'The Big Bang Theory', 'Two and a Half Men' and 'Dancing with the Assholes' continue to prosper. 

It’s a lot to take.

So how does one process all the disappointment year after year after year? Why even bother becoming attached to a new show? Why watch to begin with? Is it better to remain oblivious to the weird, very specific joy, one feels when one has found one’s new show? Or is it worth all the pain just to have that blissful discovery of a new season/pilot? 

It is worth it, it totally is. Sure, there will be anxiety and disappointment when the series about the Aesthetically Perfect Teens who want to be together but who might also be siblings and their friends, the Gay Couple made up of one confused dude and a girl masquerading as a guy at an all-boys boarding school (R.I.P. ‘Young Americans’ – never forget) gets canned, but hey, a select few will always cherish those six amazing episodes. Note: this show aired and ended thirteen years ago and it still hurts to talk about. Imagine my pain as I currently struggle with the fact that I discovered and watched 'Good Christian Bitches' two weekends ago and now will only ever have those ten blissful, hilarious episodes in my lifetime.

It’s just important to know how to cope with the inevitable demise of awesome batshit insane tv shows and go through the 5 important stages of grieving.

1      1.  Shock: it’s hard to believe that not everybody appreciates the genius that you so clearly see. Don’t doubt yourself – it’s definitely them, your show is rad.
        2.  Sadness: it’s okay to be sad. You should mourn what you had. The next little bit will feel bad.
        3.  Anger: THOSE DICKS! HOW DARE THEY TAKE YOUR HAPPINESS AWAY. NOW WHAT WILL YOU DO ON A SATURDAY NIGHT WHEN YOU LIE TO YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT WHY YOU CAN'T GO OUT JUST SO YOU CAN STAY IN BED WATCHING TV IN YOUR PAJAMAS? (I never do this. I love you guys. I just get really unexpectedly busy sometimes so I absolutely, positively have to cancel on you).
        4. More extreme sadness: you’ve realized just how much you’re going to be missing and at this point, it’s perfectly acceptable to cry. Also, watch the entire series chronologically from the beginning. This helps.
        5. Oh, freakin’ sweet, Mindy Kaling got her own show? It's already been renewed for a new season? Cool.

        At least we won't have to worry about Game of Thrones for a while...

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

The Brange

Brangelina is back from hibernation!!!! And I, for one, am thrilled. I have always been, and always will be, Team Jolie. I will choose the philanthropic, intelligent, talented UN ambassador over the pothead party girl who stars in Gerard Butler movies any day of the week. Just saying.

But I loved 'The Switch', I'm only human.


Angelina is back in the public eye after penning a moving piece about her double mastectomy in the New York Times (if you haven't read it yet, you should definitely take the time to do so http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/14/opinion/my-medical-choice.html?_r=0). And she is positively radiant. I think I actually missed seeing her and Brad around. They have been keeping their shit on the down low since her infamous Leg Incident at the Oscars last year.

To reiterate - since receiving months of treatment and a preventative double mastectomy, Brangelina has managed to keep their privacy (side-eye to Jessica Alba once again being papped in a park whoring out her kids...). This is on the same level as Sandra Bullock keeping her baby's adoption under wraps when she was under the most intense public scrutiny of her career i.e. a very public, very dramatic divorce. If these two can fly under the radar when they need to, you can bet your ass that the Albas and the Biels and the Bosworths and the Livelys of this world could avoid the paps if they wanted to, yet still happen to find themselves photographed on a romantic trip in the middle of Nowheresville, Utah (ahem, Blake and Ryan). If they really valued their privacy, they could make it happen is what I'm saying. You know, as opposed to using the paps to keep themselves relevant and then bitch about wanting to maintain their privacy to the tabloids. I mean. Fuck the fuck off.

But I digress. PITT PORN! I really just want to use this particular post to gush over all the new pics of them. Angie is looking better than she has in aaaaaages and call me crazy, but I'm sort of enjoying how they're matching looks/outfits on this 'World War Z' press tour. Let's take a peek, shall we?

Appearance #1

Probably my least favourite aesthetically speaking, but ahhhhhhh how cute and affectionate are they! Their hair is equally flowy and bouncy! And not to rub salt in anyone's wounds, but for all the "she stole him! She's an adulteress bitch!"drama, they've now been together longer than Jen and Brad were... Also, you can't steal another human being. They have to leave. Also also, why does she cop all the blame in this scenario? Brad was the one who was married and committed to another person, yet he seems to still be beloved by the same majority who would be happy to see Angie torn to shreds by a pack of coyotes. Sexism is still alive and well in the 21st century folks, in case anyone was still wondering about that little -ism. Phew.

Rant over, back to the pic porn!

Appearance #2

Aaaaaaaarghhhhh! LOVE this! When is the last time she looked so stylin'? Look at the perfect cut of that Saint Laurent suit! I am salivating right now. She's incredible. Am I crazy for enjoying the fact that they have matching hair/looks here? Who am I? I hate when couples are matchy-matchy. But I just can't throw any shade here. Obsessed. I want her to dress like this always. ALWAYS.

Appearance #3

Ok, it's not the best dress, but who cares. That face still makes me catch my breath sometimes. And at least the outfit fits properly - I think her main problem is wearing stuff that fits her teeny frame. So far, successes all-round! Happy claps!

Basically, I need Brange in the world to feel at ease. It makes me happy to watch them, when they want me to. This has been a brilliantly executed campaign trail for 'World War Z' and I know I, for one, will watch it for them. To say thank you. For the Pitt Porn. 

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Met non-disasters: I guess these weren't total fails

It's honestly come to this. Being excited about outfits that weren't totally awful.

Still not punk, but not totally shit. So. That's something. (But really, was the word 'PUNK' written clearly enough on the invite? Was it legible? Maybe it was just scrawled in some graffiti-type text and these boring Hollywood types couldn't read it properly? Maybe an audio CD would have been more effective?)

Anyway. Well done you lot for looking pretty alright. You've done a decent job and for this you will be politely applauded.

Christina Ricci: Her makeup is nice. And this dress is ok. Overall the effect is quite nice. She looks pretty. I'm scraping the barrel here.

Dakota Fanning: Honestly, she can just do whatever she wants and I will be all over it. Are you some kind of dark angel? I don't know, I don't care, I love you. I hate your shoes though.

Ginnifer Goodwin: I am a hardcore Ginnifer lover and even though I hate her eye makeup, I think she's rocking it. Well done you, you gorgeous adorable pixie.

Gwen Stefani: Hmm. Going through my choices again, I'm struggling to remember the reasoning behind their inclusion on this list but I think mostly it's their attitude. Look at Gwen's steeze. She is confident and she is owning that midriff-baring satin dress. And she's 40-something. Dayum.

Kirsten Dunst: Kiki! I hate your makeup but I am enjoying this dress choice. As usual. But I wish you would let me be in charge of your beauty choices, I would change everything from the neck up.

Nicholas Hoult: Well aren't you just a hot, hot piece of British ass? I like to imagine that you are here because you are back together with Jennifer Lawrence (especially as you were seen having dinner together last week!) and this brings me great joy, even if her boring outfit did not:

I really just wanted to post this photo. Because even if it is blah, it is kinda gorgeous. Too much gorgeous in one photo. I'm all flustered. How could anybody stand that close to Marion Cotillard and look so chilled out and not hyperventilating-y?

Rooney Mara: I extreeeeemely grudgingly admit that this dress is phenomenal. But did Giselle already wear it last year...?

Sienna Miller: Fine, it's a studded jacket on top of a plain white dress. But it's an amazing jacket. And an amazing face. Oh my god. So pretty. So, so pretty. I can't even look directly at her...

Sarah Jessica Parker: Now if she'd just left her crotch underneath her dress, she could have remained solely on this list.

Diane Kruger: Pretty safe dress really but I appreciate the styling. I appreciate everything about the divine Diane really. Most importantly, Joshua Jackson. Yes.

Anne Hathaway: Clearly, in a sea of blah, Annie wins the Met Gala. THIS is how you do sideboob. I wish she was more platinum, but it's a minor grievance. Love this dress. She should have worn it to the Oscars instead of that disgusting pink satin thing. I forgive her for everything this year, that's how much I like this dress. Every acceptance speech, every interview, every cloying emphatic smile. All of it.

And now that's over too for another year. I am putting a general plea out there in Hollywoodland though - please stop being so boring. After a sea of blush nude gowns during awards season, I really thought the Gala would be more exciting. How depressing.

Anyway, by next year surely Harper Seven will be ready to walk the red carpet, right? There's hope!

Met Horrors even for the Met

Like, damn.

I said 'outrageous and fun' not straight-up gross. It's a fickle world, the world of fashion and it's a fine line between werking couture and looking like you've lost yo' dang mind. Please see below for examples of the latter.

Kristen Stewart: Bad makeup, unflattering colour, boring shoes...WHO AM I KIDDING LOOK AT IT, IT'S THE WORLD'S WORST CAMEL TOE! My vagina hurts.

Nicole Richie: If she'd only done something else with her hair. Anything else. Literally, anything. This could have been salvageable, if not extremely boring (lesbereal, she would have been disqualified). I just don't understand the hair choice? When did punks spray their hair with white powder, if it wasn't up their nostrils?

Blake Lively: HAHAHAHA LOOK AT BOOBS LEGSLY THINKING SHE IS SO FASHIONY. She's so funny sometimes. Gurl, you may think you are so cool and innately stylin' to work without an actual stylist but your dress doesn't even goddamn fit. And that's the least of your problems. Also, FUCK YOU. I am still bitter about that tease of a wedding spread in Martha Stewart Living. Whyyyy, why would you do that? Not even one picture of your dress? Nothing! I always knew you were the worst BUT SERIOUSLY YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST. I didn't even WANT to see you piece of shit Marchesa dress. Whatever. I don't even care.

Elle Fanning: Look, I acknowledge that Elle Fanning is a delightful and talented young girl who always experiments with her outfits and I appreciate these this. Infinitely preferable to a boring pretty blonde girl who wears boring pretty blonde girl outfits. However. Her makeup actually scares me. I am scared.

Giselle Bundchen: The only question I had about this particular ensemble is whether or not it deserved to be disqualified or in my 'worst' list. She gets worse punishment because she is capable of so much more. Props for popping out two kids though.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Ewwwwwwwwww! This is another one that is so, so, so disappointing to me. I love when Gwyneth looks amazing. I love when she stands there all smug and perfect and knowing that we hate her for her perfection. I love that Gwyneth. I hate this Gwyneth. Ugh, it reminds me of her ill-fitting pink taffeta Oscars tragedy. She even looks unsure of herself. If she was standing there and staring back at me like "I got this, you're just a peon who doesn't understand fashion and therefore I care not for your opinion, also you should try these kale chips dipped in spelt" I would probably put it in a 'best dressed' list. I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU ANYMORE GWYNNIE. BE BETTER THAN ME.

Jaime King: Love love love loooove Jaime King, I am girl-crushing all over her lately and stylistically speaking, I am all over the idea of this outfit...but in execution, she fails. If the suit was tailored better...with a more modern cut...cooler shoes...maybe? I don't know. It just needs to be fixed. Great from the neck up though.

Katy Perry: Ew. Just ew. It's mumsy and actually kinda 'safe'. Like, Perry for once I would be okay with your over-the-top shenanigans. You could wear this on Sunday to your dad's church. Ya dig?

Kanye West's Girlfriend aka Kim K: Hahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahaha. This is so bad. Hahahahahaha. The matching floral shoes really are the icing on this disgusting cake. I couldn't find the picture again, but I saw one today where she's blatantly holding the split apart to show more of her leg. Which...I mean...I'm not sure why she's choosing that feature to highlight right now. Did I mention the high neckline by the way? She looks like a blob. No shape, nothing. There must have been a more flattering dress somewhere out there. But I'm glad she looks like ass because she should not have even been there in the first place. It's blasphemy on the Met steps.

Madonna: Presented without comment.

Sarah Jessica Parker: What is happening from the crotch down? What are those boots? Why is she holding her dress up like that? I can see crotch.

Taylor Swift: Look, I hear you guys. Obviously this could have been in the 'disqualified' list but where's the fun in that? Swifty obviously tried here so she deserves to be judged. Pageant hair and a black 'edgy' (for Taylor) dress - there is an obvious disconnect here. And I'm not just talking about Taylor and every dude everywhere, ever. (Oi, Harry Styles, if you have Taylor on Google Alerts and you're reading this, hit me up dude...you're 19 right? Definitely over 18 at least yeah? Cool.)

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen: Believe it or not, I did actually expect more from these two. At least Ashley looks like she put some thought into finding that atrocity of an outfit but did MK even know she was going until 20 minutes beforehand?

Miley Cyrus: Call me crazy but I don't tooootally hate this. I think the hair pushed it over the edge into 'Fucking Shit' territory. I would have been down with a mohawk. I probably would have loved it actually. What is happening.

Beyonce: This is heartbreaking. I don't know what to say. I don't even know what I'm feeling. Upset is definitely part of it. Devastated. Confused. Is this the same person from 2012, mere months after birthing out a tiny human who turned up to the Gala in this Givenchy confection...?

All in all, one of the most disappointing Met Galas in recent times. It's worse when your expectations are so high and the people who are safe bets to be AWESOME look like ass. It feels like a personal affront. Don't they know I only want/expect the best from them? How could Gwyneth do this to me? Why didn't Beysus and Gwynnie get together and brainstorm? My heart hurts. So do my eyes.

Met Gala 2013: Disqualified

Did you feel the excited anticipation in the air as fashionistas, bloggers and wannabes the world over (okay, they're all the same thing) clamoured to get a glimpse of this year's Met Costume Institute Gala offerings?! Note the very telling inclusion of the word 'costume' in the title.  If you're not familiar with this particular event, welcome back from under your rock! Behold, sunlight! This is not your regular red carpet, and nor should it be.

This is a place to be outrageous, have fun with fashion and showcase the very best of haute couture i.e. don't play it safe for once. There is no room for your blush-coloured sparkly ball gowns here!

The theme for 2013 was PUNK and the dumb bitches below seem not to have received that memo. I am the sole sartorial judge in Want world and none of these ingrates even qualify to be in the running. They are wearing glorified ball gowns which I wouldn't even consider a success at the Golden Globes. It's the Met Gala for fuck's sake, show some fucking respect.

Anyway. Let the rambling rage be accompanied by some pictures now, yes? Yes.

Jessica Alba: Just because it's black, doesn't mean it's punk you hemp-diaper pimp. It's a glorified fishtail gown with cutouts. And a perfect top knot. How dare. We get it, you're some angelic Earth mother now (that seems to be her primary occupation, while she 'waits for the right role to come along' as if anyone is asking Alba to be in their films and she is simply being choosy while she poses with her picture-perfect children for the paparazzi, but I digress) who doesn't want to challenge the middle-of-the-road mummy majority BUT YOU ARE AT THE MET COSTUME INSTITUTE GALA. BOR-RING.

Amber Heard: used to be a cool-ass lesbian with a hot girlfriend who got to make out with Dr. Spencer Reid on Criminal Minds (in a pool!). Now she's dating loserJohnny Depp (he's a loser now, we can all agree on that, yeah? The millions of necklaces, ditching the mother of his children and bad-mouthing her in the press while he goes clubbing with a bunch of 20-somethings - total loser) and she's in red lace. BRIGHT RED. UUUUGH. She looks like a figure skater.

Jessica Biel: Oh honey. This is not technically a bad dress, in fact I rather like it, but you are not edgy enough to pull it off and make it punk. Accessorised with blah diamonds, blah hair and blah shoes while posing delicately with your hand on your hip - this is not what a banging' Gala ensemble makes. It's just Try.

Chloe Sevigny: Now this is the kind of thing I would expect Chloe to turn up in at, like, a funeral. Or a premiere. This, for me, is Chloe's 'safe' outfit. And she wore it to the Met. I don't even know who you are any more Sevigny. I used to so look forward to your sartorial choices and now you leave me cold. Or even worse - nonplussed.

Emilia Clarke: God, what a babe. Pity she is raping my eyes with an ill-fitting, wrinkled, red satin gown. So many bad things in that sentence. This would be unforgivable at a school prom. A dangly cross earring ain't enough to save you now homie.

Emmy Rossum: Damn she's awful. If I ever had to be alone with Rossum for a minute I'd probably scratch my ear drums out in about 3 seconds. So it wouldn't actually even be the full minute, but it would feel like an eternity. I find her insufferable at the best of times (did you sort of get the gist of that already?) and then she turns up to the PUNK Met Costume Institute Gala in a blush coloured sparkly ball gown with a fucking braid on her head. GET THE FUCK OUT. YOU DON'T BELONG HERE.

January Jones: This is a short sequinned cocktail dress with some cool shoes. That one might wear to a costume party. Slightly weird makeup but overall, this is a cocktail party outfit. She wears electric blue space-age Versace to the Emmys and she wears an LBD to the Met Gala. I just. I can't. Fine, let's relive the magic once again, here she is in one of my all-time favourite red carpet moments brought to you by yours truly:

Sigh. I remember seeing it for the first time, it was heart-stpping.

Jennifer Lopez: Well at least she didn't have her loser boyfriend fronting next to her but it's J-Lo!!! She could have done some crazy ass shit on her awesome crazy ass body but she went for a J-Lo standard. STANDARD.

Kate Bosworth: I hate this talentless attention whore but even I can begrudgingly admit she usually looks awesome. However, this is just a cute short sequinned dress. With black pumps. And lank hair. At the Met. 'Nuff said.


Michelle Williams: Oh Michelle. Michelle, Michelle, Michelle. This is truly painful, to not have you on my best-dressed list. I just...I can't with this. You would have had the perfect hair and look to kick the PUNK thing in the dick...but you wore this. With your hair softly blow-dried and side-parted fringe. Whyyyy? In my head, I see a glorious mix of androgyny and sweetness, of a perfectly tailored Tom Ford tux and immaculately styled faux-hawk. Oh, what could have been.

Zooey Deschanel: I'm sorry, is it time for afternoon tea on the porch at Ralph Lauren's Hamptons weekender? Is that...cotton? Is this the way 'quirky-cool' manifests itself when it is actually a perfectly acceptable time to be genuinely quirky and different? Though now that I think about it, Deschanel has pretty assy style in general. It's always blush-coloured and pouffy and this is that but downgraded about a billion levels.

Stay tuned for 'Met Horrors Even For the Met' and 'Met Default Standouts Coz It Was Damn Slim Pickin's This Year' still to come.