Monday, March 3, 2014

Oscars Best

And just like that, awards season is over for another year.

Ellen did an amazing job hosting and I'm sort of glad there was no dancing. The tweet that broke the internet, the Liza Minelli drag queen joke and the "if 12 Years a Slave doesn't win best picture, you're all racists" comment were all perfectly en pointe. Well done lady!

It was a festive, exciting, tense, wonderful day, better than Christmas and my birthday and NYE all rolled together. It should be a public holiday! I bet not everyone is lucky enough to be able to watch at work and let's be honest, is there anything that sounds more fun than an Oscars party? Imagine the drinking games!

But until then, it's time to wrap up for another year. Thanks for reading, I hope it inspires some healthy discussion about dresses and beauty looks and who deserved to win or not. But ultimately, I hope you agree with me and see that I'm 100% right.

BRANGELINA!!! The ultimate in celebrity royalty (Jay Z and Beyonce are the Presidents obviously, relax) they came to play and they did not disappoint. Firstly, Angelina is not wearing black (or white, for that matter). It is a beautiful steely grey that offset her complexion to perfection and I can't even hate on the sleeves. She can wear whatever she damn wants and be the most stunning person in the room. And Brad! Brad looks amazing! Whatever he's doing (fillers? botox? WHAT IS IT??) it's working a treat on him! Great hair too! Too many exclamation marks?! My heart is fluttering. This is what Pitt Porn does to me. Congrats on the first Oscar Brad! Loveyouguyscallmeokbye!

I love how pretty much every time Catherine Martin works on a big production they just give her all of the awards. And quite rightly might I add. 'The Great Gatsby' was a feat of gorgeous fantasy. And I like this dress weirdly a lot. I'm not sure why, but I enjoyed looking at it. So there.

More collective office gasping for Charlize, let me tell you. I really love her hair and the neckline of this dress and that diamond hanging off her neck…dayum. Has she ever had a dramatic moment in black before? Was this the moment? I enjoyed it.

Pretty sure not even Kate-haters can hate on this dress (note: I am not one of them, I love her). It just kept getting better and better the more camera panned up and down it! Beautifully fit and structured, ugh and that glowy face! Simply divine. I feel like I'm gushing, am I gushing? I'm probably gushing. 

This one delighted me at first, then I wasn't sure, then I decided I loved it. I think. Wait. Yep, I think I do. Particularly: the sharp shoulders, interesting clutch and cool hair quiff. 

Previously it was in no particular order but now these are my top two. Sandra Bullock in Alexander McQueen is a revelation. She is crazy-beautiful, charming and incredibly sweet and I only ever want the best for her and this dress is The Best. I feel like fist-pumping (I will refrain). Yay Sandy!

I mean, duh. Lupito Nyong'o wowed us throughout the entire awards season and then she turns up in Prada looking like this. What a win. I'm not sure there's anybody else more universally beloved at the moment and I'm not sure I want there to be. I love watching her - on film, what she wears, how she speaks, everything, everything, everything. She is simply delightful. Special mention must also go to her carefully-thought-out accessories that elevated her entire look - I want a headband like that now and those cuff earrings were badass. Also can we please be best friends Lupita if you're reading this? Your half of the friendship necklace is already in the mail.

The big winners. Exactly as I predicted. What a great way to end awards season! Actually the only way to top it would be with a Lupita and Jared wedding…let's make it happen team.

The dudes

It's very easy for the boys to fly under the radar at awards shows with a black tux, decent hair and non-orange foundation and therefore, be successful at looking acceptable.

So imagine my shock and delight this year when it was the DUDES who turned up in whacky coloured outfits! Shock and delight I tell you! Shock. And. Delight.

Look, if Bill Murray turns up anywhere it is a good day. Let's just be thankful for his presence and smilye at his little wonky green bow-tie.

All-round gasps in the office today when handsome Hemsworth appeared let me tell you! Not gonna lie, I didn't even realise his tux was maroon until I started googling images of him hours later. Because I was dazzled by his face. I was not however dazzled enough to not notice his wife's outfit (like another workmate of mine, ahem) which was gross. Why must it belly cup itself? We can see you are pregnant and also very thin. Well done. You didn't need to do this to yourself Elsa Pataky.

Jared Leto is 42 years old. I repeat, Jared Leto, he of the luscious ombre locks, perfect golden skin and sparkling blue eyes is 42 years old. Jordan Catalano is 42 and has an Oscar. So let's all process that, yeah? I was obviously overjoyed he won (AS I PREDICTED) and thought his speech was incredibly sweet and can now see where he gets his amazing genes from. HOWEVER. I'm not sold on the red tie. It's a little…tacky. Lesbereal he didn't even need a bow-tie, I would have been mesmerised by his eyes/hair if that garish red thing wasn't screaming for my attention.

I didn't even notice him on the red carpet, was he there?! Did I miss it?? Anyway, Leo looks fine I guess. He will never be as pretty as his 'Romeo and Juliet' days but he is looking better than he has in a while. Well done sir, credit where credit is due. And relax all you crazies, Leo will get his Oscar and he will get it soon. This was not his time, so just chill. It will happen. 

On the other hand, welcome to the McConaissance! What a delightful career comeback to witness! Alright alright alright, fight it as you may, it was McConaughey's time. It's more fun to just accept this fact and forget about Leo okay? His speech was pretty loopy but I wouldn't have him any other way. Just keep livin'. 

Michael B. Jordan is a TALENTED BABE and is wearing AWESOME SHOES. I might love him. I think I do love him. Yep, I do. It's love.

Pharrell is in shorts. So. That happened. And whoever is with him is dressed in that awesome outfit. My love can stretch to these two too. So much love! 

Disappointment is worse than anger

It's worse when someone is staring at you with disappointment and it's a shittier feeling to have than just being mad at ugly dresses.

I'm disappointed with Kerry, J-Law and Cate because I have seen them do so much better and they should be fail-safe happy places for me. For all of us. But especially Cate. I could not even manage to put her on the 'beige blah' list because it hurt too much. I couldn't have a 'worst' list because I might have to put her on it, based on the sheer level of disappointment.

So I created a new list. For Queen Cate. Who I can't hate on.

Kerry Washington

So. This is what Kerry Washington wore today. Yep, a rumpled-looking sheet the colour of dirty dishwater held up by a pin. WHILE BELLY CUPPING. Below is the usual kind of standard we can expect from Olivia Pope. Please note how much more interesting and colourful and structured and different she usually looks. Like, I look forward to a red-carpet appearance by Kerry and today she disappointed me to an extent where I felt a pang in my chest where the cold dark void used to be filled with a heart.

Jennifer Lawrence

Before you jump down my throat, yes, it's largely inoffensive. It fits well, it's a different silhouette to her usual Dior and it's colour. I agree with all of the above positive facts. HOWEVER. I generally hate red on a red carpet. She has also had multiple 'red' moments before. The first one was her best and will never be repeated and she looked like a sexy bombshell. 

ALSO she wore a backwards necklace dangling down her back last year. You can't do that two years in a row. ALSO ALSO her hair (which I love short btw) just made her look old. ALSO ALSO ALSO was she even wearing makeup?! I'm not saying she should be plastered with it because she is so beyond stunning and flawless, but a liiiiittle something to emphasise her eyes wouldn't have gone astray. I miss this J-Law:

Cate Blanchett

Of course it's not bad. It's just…so far below Cate's usual standard that it truly upsets me. Because if I can't rely on Cate who CAN I rely on in this world?! 

Obviously, it's beige-nude. It's sparkly. And it has netting shoulders. Her face however, continues to take my breath away because, look at her. She is a walking SK-II advert. I'm so sad about this dress though because La Blanchette is usually my best dressed of the night and each of the below outfits are now some of my all-time favourites ever, ever! Let's revisit some of her best.

See Cate?! This is why you should never play safe!!! Argh, she is going to strike me down with an icy stare from afar isn't she?

The Dark Side

On the other hand, we now have the dark moody ones (aka those closest to my heart). I feel like if tweaked some of these, they would be outstanding. As they are in their current states though, well, I have thoughts.

Look clearly this isn't bad, I just feel like it could be better. As discussed at length today, I think her hair should be red (italics are fun and emphatic) because it would really make her features pop. She could also use some jewels I think. Besides, she has already had her navy moment and it was good

Oh my gorgeous Anna Kendrick are you doing the Angelina leg?!?! What's happening at your midriff??? I enjoyed the back (cannot find pic yet sorry) but…no. Nice hair and makeup though, I appreciate the red lip.

First and foremost - well done on improving the boob dart situation from last year. I do actually really like this cut and style and the theory of this dress, however I wish the chest area wasn't clad in crystals. I think this would have been so, so, so amazing if it was like, metal or something fuck-off badass like that. You know? You know. Also she seemed to be on the verge of tears while presenting and I want to shake her and say "STOP APOLOGISING FOR YOUR EXISTENCE. YOU ARE VERY TALENTED." One day.

I weirdly like this. It seems a bit sporty up top but it kind of works considering her role here today? Which is to say, not nominated and not a focus at all. And LOVE her red lip, it makes such a difference. I think I have an issue with the hair though? It looks…messy. And like she doesn't know how to work her extensions. I wish she was still rocking her short hair, it must be a pretty sweet bob by now. Can we be friends Emma? I just want to help because I like you is all.

Snooze-fest. And maybe a bit witchy? Whatever, are you even still reading this? Look at that face. She is dazzling.

ARGH. LOVE SO MUCH. Great fit, red lip, beautiful accessories Miss Karen O has nailed this look. I actually get surprised when musicians don't fail at the Oscars. Which is not fair, but history dictates this is often the case. All over this one though. I actually got no shade to throw. 

This looks better from certain angles than others, and at this angle, it is pretty damn good. Oh hai Margot Robbie! I feel like a cherry red lipstick would have elevated this to a whole other level though, as opposed to the very dark plum thing she has happening because it's a bit much. 

Sigh. Olivia Wilde is really working hard to win me over and I think she's done it. I love this black velvet design on her and I really love that she didn't stoop to the dreaded belly-cupping on the red carpet. It's a pet hate of mine and she passed the test with flying colours. Stunning. Also snaps for Jason Sudeikis who is looking so great at the moment. 

I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can underwhelmed, but can you ever just be 'whelmed'?

I think you can in Europe.

So I'm choosing to be today, because I'm totally European, duh.

AS PER USUAL we had an abundance of beige 'meh' FAILURES on the red carpet today. It made me upset and I craved some colour or something dramatic to break it up (look I know it's a bit rich coming from me, but I didn't get dressed today to entertain millions of people, I got dressed to watch the Oscars). I missed Zoe Saldana actually, she never disappoints.

All in all, 2014 was pretty average on the fashion front. Let's do this.

UGH. Probably her worst offering in…like…a long fucking time. Was really glad not to actually have her on the red carpet asking inane questions this year though like 'How did you get ready today?' which she asked JLaw last year, to which she replied 'What do you mean?…I showered…and then I got my hair and makeup done…and then I put this on.' So. At least we were spared that. But it honestly looked like Giuliana had white concealer on her lips. It was horrifying. I bet this is Marchesa too. I just looked it up (professionalism!) and it's just a nothing designer. So it may as well be Marchesa.

I can't lie, I expect nothing from Jennifer Garner. But I'll always be optimistic, just in case. Eh, at least it's pretty gorgeous from the neck up and she's not wearing a dinosaur tail like last year - improvement!

HAH. I don't care if this is Chanel, Jessica Biel is the wooooorst and this is the worst. How do these people look in the mirror and not even acknowledge they could use some colour on their faces?! She is literally the same shade from top to toe, other than her hair.


Another opposite-of-favourite (read: I hate her), Kristen Bell is dressed in an ill-fitting disaster. Props for losing baby weight, blah blah, it's ugly and I want to shake her weird wispy hair out. It looks plastered to her head, and very prom-ish. And just to clarify my very harsh, unbiased feelings on K-Bell - I love Veronica Mars but this real-life person is married to Dax Shephard. 'Nuff said. There's other stuff too but I feel like that is a pretty significant indicator.

Awe. Pene you are better than this. Also, where is Javier?!?! Still, she is so very, very beautiful that I can forgive her for this boring thing. At least it's not feathered and mermaid-taily. Bright sides! I can see them!

Sally Hawkins…I just…I can't...this makes me so sad :(

Unfortunately, this is the best photo I could find of Sarah Paulson at this early stage. Love her, but this was honestly the same from her shoes to her face. She is better than this. And also better as a blonde. But I really like her haircut so that's a good thing! Straws, I am grasping at them.

Okay WE MADE IT! There are more posts coming but I had to get these basic bitches out of the way first so SORRY if you have melted into a puddle of boredom already, but it's over now.