Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The highlights package

Ahhh one awards show is already over for the year. It's bittersweet, especially as Amy and Tina did such a magnificent job hosting again, but that's just how the world works and we have to accept it. Awards Season is fleeting, intense and spectacular and I wouldn't have it any other way.

1. Amy and Tina
Pretty much anything associated with one or the other is bound to be good, but the two of them together create true magic. And giggles. My two favourites were:

"Gravity: It's the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age!"

"And now, like a supermodel's vagina, let's all give a warm welcome to Leonardo Dicaprio!"


And Tina throwing some shade on Taylor Swift made my night. After Amy won, Tina ecstatically hugged her and said "I love you, there's a special place in hell for you!" Swifty of course infamously said of Amy and Tina, "there's a special place in hell for women who don't support other women" after they made a joke about her hooking up with Michael J Fox's son at last year's Golden Globes. Because Swift is the worst. But Tina is the best and so she slammed her.

Whatever, it's all the best, just watch it.


See above video.

3. JLaw and Nicholas Hoult finally attend something proper together 
So now I can watch them be like, the hottest couple ever.

4. Julia Louis Dreyfus snubs Reese Witherspoon 
And it's the best.

5. Elisabeth Moss flips off the stupid Mani Cam

6. Two of my favourite people become one
Tina: Amy Poehler is nominated for her work on Parks and Recreation
Amy: I believe Amy is here tonight. Can we get a shot of her?
Tina: She looks fantastic!
Amy: She looks amazing! Wow, radiant! It is hard to believe she's a 42-year old mother of two.

7. Cate Blanchett. Just everything.
Especially when she told Leonardo Dicaprio that she hated Ryan Seacrest right after her interview. Hahahaha. Haha. Love her.

8. Robert Downey Jr
It's the WORST when he isn't at an award's show. I always miss him. I'm glad he was at this one.

9. Emma Thompson
For entertaining us and being Emma Thompson.

10. Jennifer Lawrence photo-bombing Taylor Swift
This would have been better if they didn't then fawn all over each other and gush about their friendship. Instead, I prefer to pretend that right after the photo bomb happened, JLaw crash-tackled Swifty to the ground.

Aaaaaand I'm out. But don't worry my gorgeous Gossip Lovers, awards season has only just begun. Come back for the Grammy's, SAGs, and whatever other trash in between. Yay!

Monday, January 13, 2014

The very best of the 71st Golden Globe Awards

Finally! We are getting to the light at the end of a sometimes bleak and often shit-covered tunnel!

With no further ado let's get to the good stuff.

Lupita Lyong'o is so bloody beautiful it's ridiculous. Collective gasps around the office proved this was an immediate favourite (even if it has the essence of Gwyneth's white Tom Ford cape...still good).

Yaaaaaay Tina recovered beautifully from the flamingo tragedy that will heretofore never be mentioned again!

HOLY HELL HOW STUNNING IS AMY POEHLER? I mean, I already knew but DAMN she is looking INCREDIBLE. I don't believe there is any language superfluous enough to describe her. 


Should I even bother explaining? Flawless Cate remains flawless. Forever. Cate Blanchett wins alllll of the awards. Seriously. Just give her all of them.

Oh hey Margot Robbie you are so my new favourite!!! Really like that she did not pair this with a boring white shoe or something. So, so, so gorgeous and that dress fits her like a glove. And can we please note how effortlessly she recovered from having nothing to read on the teleprompter? Not bad for a rookie.

Honourable Mention

This bitch. Love everything.

PHEW. So clothes are done for another year I just have one last post coming up with highlights from the show! Stay tuned and thanks for reading! I just love award season. Swoooon.

I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed


I had to create a whole new list because I couldn't bear to put these ladies on a 'Worst' list. That's how painful this is for me. That's how deep the love is. I just want you all to know this is as hard for me as it is for you to hear. Okay? Let's still be friends afterwards.

Believe it or not, this is Emma Watson. Emma Watson is usually elegant, tastefully edgy and refreshingly youthful. And today she wore a red jersey half-dress over black pants with blue shoes. What is happening.

Noooooooo! JLaw!!!!!! I don't even hate the dress, but WHY is she wearing blue eye-shadow, brown lipstick and green earrings?! Who allowed this to happen? How can anyone even make Jennifer Lawrence anything less than perfectly stunning? Is Rachel Zoe still her stylist? I don't get it. My heart hurts.

Psht. This is largely inoffensive but it's so...blah. I thought Kerry would be a really cool and stylish pregnant starlet a la Cate Blanchett because she is such a risk-taker usually. But this is such a mediocre Balenciaga I can't help but feel robbed. Also...she is belly cupping. Ugh.

Oh Sandy, Sandy, Sandy. I have no words. But just know that I still love you. And we will forget this ever happened, okay?

Literally gasped and covered my face with my hands when I first saw her, right Chris? Right. The flamingoes, the fabric, the sad half-up, half-down hair, it's all bad. I can't think of a single thing to save her from this ensemble. OTHER THAN HOW AWESOME SHE IS. So Tina still wins. Phew.

People who make me want to punch myself in the face with excitement

...because I don't want to punch myself in the face with rage.

Which is an improvement, I guess? Solid effort from these guys, with an altogether pleasing after-effect. Like palate cleansers, even!

Okay, okay hear me out. Elisabeth Moss looked stunning when I first saw her, and I don't think the bottom is enough to detract from how pleased this initially made me. Also she added some more vibrant red lippy which was divine when she won her award and graced the stage. Some eyeliner wouldn't have gone astray though, and better shoes. Just saying.

Emilia Clarke has barely ever had a mis-step I think. This was really structured and made me smile and I can't hate on Daenarys, lesbereal.

Jordan Catalano has a Golden Globe!!! How lovely is Jared Leto when he comes to play?? So dapper and pretty and that luscious hair! Oh how I wish he wore it out. Just divine.

This isn't the best picture of Jessica Chastain's dress, but you can see the detail nicely. This is a good black dress for when you know the evening is not about you, but you still want to look nice. Well done gorgeous Jessica, my gorgeous queen. But just like last year, this hair is not working for me (or you) and also some eye makeup would have enhanced everything so nicely...

I just really like this picture. HEY GUYS LEMME BE YOUR FRIEND.

Gorgeous, gorgeous family. Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon are so bangin' still, and look so in love, I would be devastated if anything happened to this union. Stunning daughter too, but how could she fail with those genes?

Another ridiculously gorgeous couple. Liev's suit fits impeccably and Naomi is stunning in Tom Ford. Not that she ever gets it wrong anyway. I wish I could find a picture of the back detail too, that neckline extended down the low-cut back of the dress, so pretty.

Ladies and gents, Nicholas Hoult, aka my #2 (preceded only by my #1 Taylor Kitsch) who also happens to be dating my #2 lady, Jennifer Lawrence (Sara Quin is #1 forever as if you needed to ask). Look at those eyes. Oh my goodness, my stomach is doing somersaults.

Sort of pains me to admit as I don't really like her but she looks stunning. Super pregnant, super beautiful. Credit where credit is due Olivia Wilde. 

People who had me wanting to punch myself in the face with rage

But before we get down to the dirty glossy gown gossip - Merry Awards Show Season! May we have an abundantly fruitful buffet of Gossip and boozy acceptance speeches in 2014!

It's definitely my favourite time of year so please join me in dissecting every single second. And my, wasn't there a lot of shit on the red carpet this year? Seriously, on top of the vile trash gowns, the red carpet this morning was literally covered in sewage. Like, actual shit. Which means that all your favourites had to wade through faeces as they made their way inside the venue.

Stars, they're just like us.

Anyway onto the show! Below you will find what I thought were the worst offerings on display today and why I felt this way. Or I will present the picture without comment, with a deluge of vitriolic slander  or simply some heinous swearing. And you will just have to accept this. Sidenote: this is the most colour we have seen from a red carpet in a while though! My powers, they're working.

Amber Heard has old lady hair and thinks she is worthy of being at the Globes because she is banging Johnny Depp. But Johnny Depp is a joke now and has dumb hair and ditched the mother of his children to be with this one. Kate Moss, Winona Ryder, Vanessa Paradis, Amber Heard...one of these things is not like the others. Also did I mention that her hair is super ugly and the satin of this dress was super heavy and vile? 

I always hope for so much more from Amy Adams. Genuinely adore her, but I'm sure most girls from my generation remember styling their own hair like this back in the day. For school photos. Or just, like, a Thursday. Also the super long necklace, shades of red, odd fit, and the lack of makeup did nothing to enhance lovely Amy's beauty.

Ugh. We get it Drew Barrymore you are pregnant and experiencing the miracle of life. Nobody in the history of the world has ever been pregnant before you (other than Natalie Portman obviously). Hate when cool people get lame and try and shove motherhood down the throats of the mommy majority. Also pink and red flowers. Blegh.

Not that I expected more from Giuliana Rancic, but the consistency of her shit choices somehow continues to surprise me. What even is this. On TV it looked like a poo-red colour. It is a boring ballgown. AND it looked like she had foundation over her lips - I hate this. A subtle pink gloss would have done wonders.

It may be Tom Ford but Hayden Panettiere did not pull this off. Hate this neckline on her and I hate her hair. But I guess props for trying?

I can't even...

JULIE BOWEN WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT TAFFETA BEFORE. IT SHOULD NEVER BE SEEN LET ALONE WORN. Also purple + red? Is it Valentine's Day? Hate the old timey hair too. But I will give her points for great makeup. She often fucks this up but she did look gorgeous today.

Haha. Hahahahahaha. Kaley Cuoco probs thought she would still be fake-dating Superman at this point, and it all went tits up (due to being a blatantly, awkwardly obvious PR stunt). And now the shit from the red carpet is leaching into her dress and working its way up. Hahaha.

I guess this is sort of an improvement for Kelly Osbourne but this is just a mediocre re-tread of a dress that has been done to death. Also her hair is still purplegrey and those shoes are gross. No points.

WHY WITH THE TAFFETA? AND THE YELLOW! I just...what? It is clearly ill-fitting, and therefore unflattering, the colour is obscene and this face Lena Dunham was making all day was ridiculous. This dress actually makes me mad. I quit this bitch. (Jokes! New season of Girls tonight which is actually very exciting)

See what happens when you start banging Ashton Kutcher? His grossness seeps into your pores and your skin turns to shit and your style flies out the window. This could have been saved because the top is quite good, but overall it's just a big old mess. I had high hopes for you Mila Kunis, but you've been infected by something nasty and it shows.

I don't know why Paula Patton is ever at these things but she needs to sit the fuck down. Also those dirty ruffles on her shoulder made me laugh. This ain't about you lady so take your filthy sheets and hide under them with your gross husband.

I'm not biased with regards to Reese Witherspoon. Like, I hate her, and I think her tirade when she got arrested last year was perfectly indicative of the bitch I believe her to be, but I don't like putting her on all my 'Worst' lists lately. I used to love Reese's red carpet steeze. Those days seem to truly be gone now though. Insert sadface here. I'll remember you always, vintage black beaded Valentino...

This one hurts. I love, love, love Taylor Schilling in 'Orange is the New Black' but this is awful. The worst part was how baggy the front section was whenever she moved. Horrifically unflattering (which...how is this possible, with that body?) and the styling was just as bad. 

Fucking taffeta. You know how I feel about this material (see above). Then again, I feel similarly about Taylor Swift (should never be seen on a red carpet, rigid, stiff, unpleasant to have around, etc.) so maybe they're a match made in heaven. Taffeta and Taylor Swift deserve each other. 

Genuinely do not understand how someone as beautiful as Zooey Deschanel can look so awful. I've really come around to Zooey since watching 'New Girl' so I do want the best for her...but this is not it. Oh, also: nail art can die now, yes?