Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Met non-disasters: I guess these weren't total fails

It's honestly come to this. Being excited about outfits that weren't totally awful.

Still not punk, but not totally shit. So. That's something. (But really, was the word 'PUNK' written clearly enough on the invite? Was it legible? Maybe it was just scrawled in some graffiti-type text and these boring Hollywood types couldn't read it properly? Maybe an audio CD would have been more effective?)

Anyway. Well done you lot for looking pretty alright. You've done a decent job and for this you will be politely applauded.

Christina Ricci: Her makeup is nice. And this dress is ok. Overall the effect is quite nice. She looks pretty. I'm scraping the barrel here.

Dakota Fanning: Honestly, she can just do whatever she wants and I will be all over it. Are you some kind of dark angel? I don't know, I don't care, I love you. I hate your shoes though.

Ginnifer Goodwin: I am a hardcore Ginnifer lover and even though I hate her eye makeup, I think she's rocking it. Well done you, you gorgeous adorable pixie.

Gwen Stefani: Hmm. Going through my choices again, I'm struggling to remember the reasoning behind their inclusion on this list but I think mostly it's their attitude. Look at Gwen's steeze. She is confident and she is owning that midriff-baring satin dress. And she's 40-something. Dayum.

Kirsten Dunst: Kiki! I hate your makeup but I am enjoying this dress choice. As usual. But I wish you would let me be in charge of your beauty choices, I would change everything from the neck up.

Nicholas Hoult: Well aren't you just a hot, hot piece of British ass? I like to imagine that you are here because you are back together with Jennifer Lawrence (especially as you were seen having dinner together last week!) and this brings me great joy, even if her boring outfit did not:

I really just wanted to post this photo. Because even if it is blah, it is kinda gorgeous. Too much gorgeous in one photo. I'm all flustered. How could anybody stand that close to Marion Cotillard and look so chilled out and not hyperventilating-y?

Rooney Mara: I extreeeeemely grudgingly admit that this dress is phenomenal. But did Giselle already wear it last year...?

Sienna Miller: Fine, it's a studded jacket on top of a plain white dress. But it's an amazing jacket. And an amazing face. Oh my god. So pretty. So, so pretty. I can't even look directly at her...

Sarah Jessica Parker: Now if she'd just left her crotch underneath her dress, she could have remained solely on this list.

Diane Kruger: Pretty safe dress really but I appreciate the styling. I appreciate everything about the divine Diane really. Most importantly, Joshua Jackson. Yes.

Anne Hathaway: Clearly, in a sea of blah, Annie wins the Met Gala. THIS is how you do sideboob. I wish she was more platinum, but it's a minor grievance. Love this dress. She should have worn it to the Oscars instead of that disgusting pink satin thing. I forgive her for everything this year, that's how much I like this dress. Every acceptance speech, every interview, every cloying emphatic smile. All of it.

And now that's over too for another year. I am putting a general plea out there in Hollywoodland though - please stop being so boring. After a sea of blush nude gowns during awards season, I really thought the Gala would be more exciting. How depressing.

Anyway, by next year surely Harper Seven will be ready to walk the red carpet, right? There's hope!

Met Horrors even for the Met

Like, damn.

I said 'outrageous and fun' not straight-up gross. It's a fickle world, the world of fashion and it's a fine line between werking couture and looking like you've lost yo' dang mind. Please see below for examples of the latter.

Kristen Stewart: Bad makeup, unflattering colour, boring shoes...WHO AM I KIDDING LOOK AT IT, IT'S THE WORLD'S WORST CAMEL TOE! My vagina hurts.

Nicole Richie: If she'd only done something else with her hair. Anything else. Literally, anything. This could have been salvageable, if not extremely boring (lesbereal, she would have been disqualified). I just don't understand the hair choice? When did punks spray their hair with white powder, if it wasn't up their nostrils?

Blake Lively: HAHAHAHA LOOK AT BOOBS LEGSLY THINKING SHE IS SO FASHIONY. She's so funny sometimes. Gurl, you may think you are so cool and innately stylin' to work without an actual stylist but your dress doesn't even goddamn fit. And that's the least of your problems. Also, FUCK YOU. I am still bitter about that tease of a wedding spread in Martha Stewart Living. Whyyyy, why would you do that? Not even one picture of your dress? Nothing! I always knew you were the worst BUT SERIOUSLY YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST. I didn't even WANT to see you piece of shit Marchesa dress. Whatever. I don't even care.

Elle Fanning: Look, I acknowledge that Elle Fanning is a delightful and talented young girl who always experiments with her outfits and I appreciate these this. Infinitely preferable to a boring pretty blonde girl who wears boring pretty blonde girl outfits. However. Her makeup actually scares me. I am scared.

Giselle Bundchen: The only question I had about this particular ensemble is whether or not it deserved to be disqualified or in my 'worst' list. She gets worse punishment because she is capable of so much more. Props for popping out two kids though.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Ewwwwwwwwww! This is another one that is so, so, so disappointing to me. I love when Gwyneth looks amazing. I love when she stands there all smug and perfect and knowing that we hate her for her perfection. I love that Gwyneth. I hate this Gwyneth. Ugh, it reminds me of her ill-fitting pink taffeta Oscars tragedy. She even looks unsure of herself. If she was standing there and staring back at me like "I got this, you're just a peon who doesn't understand fashion and therefore I care not for your opinion, also you should try these kale chips dipped in spelt" I would probably put it in a 'best dressed' list. I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU ANYMORE GWYNNIE. BE BETTER THAN ME.

Jaime King: Love love love loooove Jaime King, I am girl-crushing all over her lately and stylistically speaking, I am all over the idea of this outfit...but in execution, she fails. If the suit was tailored better...with a more modern cut...cooler shoes...maybe? I don't know. It just needs to be fixed. Great from the neck up though.

Katy Perry: Ew. Just ew. It's mumsy and actually kinda 'safe'. Like, Perry for once I would be okay with your over-the-top shenanigans. You could wear this on Sunday to your dad's church. Ya dig?

Kanye West's Girlfriend aka Kim K: Hahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahaha. This is so bad. Hahahahahaha. The matching floral shoes really are the icing on this disgusting cake. I couldn't find the picture again, but I saw one today where she's blatantly holding the split apart to show more of her leg. Which...I mean...I'm not sure why she's choosing that feature to highlight right now. Did I mention the high neckline by the way? She looks like a blob. No shape, nothing. There must have been a more flattering dress somewhere out there. But I'm glad she looks like ass because she should not have even been there in the first place. It's blasphemy on the Met steps.

Madonna: Presented without comment.

Sarah Jessica Parker: What is happening from the crotch down? What are those boots? Why is she holding her dress up like that? I can see crotch.

Taylor Swift: Look, I hear you guys. Obviously this could have been in the 'disqualified' list but where's the fun in that? Swifty obviously tried here so she deserves to be judged. Pageant hair and a black 'edgy' (for Taylor) dress - there is an obvious disconnect here. And I'm not just talking about Taylor and every dude everywhere, ever. (Oi, Harry Styles, if you have Taylor on Google Alerts and you're reading this, hit me up dude...you're 19 right? Definitely over 18 at least yeah? Cool.)

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen: Believe it or not, I did actually expect more from these two. At least Ashley looks like she put some thought into finding that atrocity of an outfit but did MK even know she was going until 20 minutes beforehand?

Miley Cyrus: Call me crazy but I don't tooootally hate this. I think the hair pushed it over the edge into 'Fucking Shit' territory. I would have been down with a mohawk. I probably would have loved it actually. What is happening.

Beyonce: This is heartbreaking. I don't know what to say. I don't even know what I'm feeling. Upset is definitely part of it. Devastated. Confused. Is this the same person from 2012, mere months after birthing out a tiny human who turned up to the Gala in this Givenchy confection...?

All in all, one of the most disappointing Met Galas in recent times. It's worse when your expectations are so high and the people who are safe bets to be AWESOME look like ass. It feels like a personal affront. Don't they know I only want/expect the best from them? How could Gwyneth do this to me? Why didn't Beysus and Gwynnie get together and brainstorm? My heart hurts. So do my eyes.

Met Gala 2013: Disqualified

Did you feel the excited anticipation in the air as fashionistas, bloggers and wannabes the world over (okay, they're all the same thing) clamoured to get a glimpse of this year's Met Costume Institute Gala offerings?! Note the very telling inclusion of the word 'costume' in the title.  If you're not familiar with this particular event, welcome back from under your rock! Behold, sunlight! This is not your regular red carpet, and nor should it be.

This is a place to be outrageous, have fun with fashion and showcase the very best of haute couture i.e. don't play it safe for once. There is no room for your blush-coloured sparkly ball gowns here!

The theme for 2013 was PUNK and the dumb bitches below seem not to have received that memo. I am the sole sartorial judge in Want world and none of these ingrates even qualify to be in the running. They are wearing glorified ball gowns which I wouldn't even consider a success at the Golden Globes. It's the Met Gala for fuck's sake, show some fucking respect.

Anyway. Let the rambling rage be accompanied by some pictures now, yes? Yes.

Jessica Alba: Just because it's black, doesn't mean it's punk you hemp-diaper pimp. It's a glorified fishtail gown with cutouts. And a perfect top knot. How dare. We get it, you're some angelic Earth mother now (that seems to be her primary occupation, while she 'waits for the right role to come along' as if anyone is asking Alba to be in their films and she is simply being choosy while she poses with her picture-perfect children for the paparazzi, but I digress) who doesn't want to challenge the middle-of-the-road mummy majority BUT YOU ARE AT THE MET COSTUME INSTITUTE GALA. BOR-RING.

Amber Heard: used to be a cool-ass lesbian with a hot girlfriend who got to make out with Dr. Spencer Reid on Criminal Minds (in a pool!). Now she's dating loserJohnny Depp (he's a loser now, we can all agree on that, yeah? The millions of necklaces, ditching the mother of his children and bad-mouthing her in the press while he goes clubbing with a bunch of 20-somethings - total loser) and she's in red lace. BRIGHT RED. UUUUGH. She looks like a figure skater.

Jessica Biel: Oh honey. This is not technically a bad dress, in fact I rather like it, but you are not edgy enough to pull it off and make it punk. Accessorised with blah diamonds, blah hair and blah shoes while posing delicately with your hand on your hip - this is not what a banging' Gala ensemble makes. It's just Try.

Chloe Sevigny: Now this is the kind of thing I would expect Chloe to turn up in at, like, a funeral. Or a premiere. This, for me, is Chloe's 'safe' outfit. And she wore it to the Met. I don't even know who you are any more Sevigny. I used to so look forward to your sartorial choices and now you leave me cold. Or even worse - nonplussed.

Emilia Clarke: God, what a babe. Pity she is raping my eyes with an ill-fitting, wrinkled, red satin gown. So many bad things in that sentence. This would be unforgivable at a school prom. A dangly cross earring ain't enough to save you now homie.

Emmy Rossum: Damn she's awful. If I ever had to be alone with Rossum for a minute I'd probably scratch my ear drums out in about 3 seconds. So it wouldn't actually even be the full minute, but it would feel like an eternity. I find her insufferable at the best of times (did you sort of get the gist of that already?) and then she turns up to the PUNK Met Costume Institute Gala in a blush coloured sparkly ball gown with a fucking braid on her head. GET THE FUCK OUT. YOU DON'T BELONG HERE.

January Jones: This is a short sequinned cocktail dress with some cool shoes. That one might wear to a costume party. Slightly weird makeup but overall, this is a cocktail party outfit. She wears electric blue space-age Versace to the Emmys and she wears an LBD to the Met Gala. I just. I can't. Fine, let's relive the magic once again, here she is in one of my all-time favourite red carpet moments brought to you by yours truly:

Sigh. I remember seeing it for the first time, it was heart-stpping.

Jennifer Lopez: Well at least she didn't have her loser boyfriend fronting next to her but it's J-Lo!!! She could have done some crazy ass shit on her awesome crazy ass body but she went for a J-Lo standard. STANDARD.

Kate Bosworth: I hate this talentless attention whore but even I can begrudgingly admit she usually looks awesome. However, this is just a cute short sequinned dress. With black pumps. And lank hair. At the Met. 'Nuff said.


Michelle Williams: Oh Michelle. Michelle, Michelle, Michelle. This is truly painful, to not have you on my best-dressed list. I just...I can't with this. You would have had the perfect hair and look to kick the PUNK thing in the dick...but you wore this. With your hair softly blow-dried and side-parted fringe. Whyyyy? In my head, I see a glorious mix of androgyny and sweetness, of a perfectly tailored Tom Ford tux and immaculately styled faux-hawk. Oh, what could have been.

Zooey Deschanel: I'm sorry, is it time for afternoon tea on the porch at Ralph Lauren's Hamptons weekender? Is that...cotton? Is this the way 'quirky-cool' manifests itself when it is actually a perfectly acceptable time to be genuinely quirky and different? Though now that I think about it, Deschanel has pretty assy style in general. It's always blush-coloured and pouffy and this is that but downgraded about a billion levels.

Stay tuned for 'Met Horrors Even For the Met' and 'Met Default Standouts Coz It Was Damn Slim Pickin's This Year' still to come.