Props for the Original Lisbeth, and the Best.

I saw the new 'The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo' movie today. I'm not going to lie, I went in with very low expectations because I a) loved the original films so much; b) don't think an American one needed to be made so soon after the Swedish version was released and; c) hate Rooney Mara.

So I was a little biased, but truly willing to enjoy it. Because I love the damn series so much. And Lisbeth Salander hellz yeaaaahhh whatta babe.

It wasn't awful. Not at all. But the soundtrack was the best part (well done Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, I want the music immediately). The worst part was the accents. From British to fake-Swedish to twangs of American  that shit was ALL OVER THE PLACE. Daniel Craig just seemed to give up on the Swedish early on and decided to just be a posh English bloke (who appears to constantly have pink eye, seriously, all the time, even in pap shots - he should get it checked out).

Was I supposed to love Mikael Blomqvist like I did in the original versions? Because Daniel Craig was so lacklustre and just 'there', that I had nothing to project onto. It was almost biazarre how blah he was. Not heroic at all. Also, apparently he reeeaaally had to let himself go for this film, eating "lots of pizza and drinking red wine", to make his character as "ordinary" as possible as opposed to James Bond. Okay, sure. Mmm...fail.

Sup, Fatty?

Then there are the extreme liberties that have been taken with the storyline. Duh, I know it's a Hollywood version. Duh, I know it's a film adaptation and details from novels are always changed to make it work for film...but I mean big plot points. Like, entire characters. The first movie was extremely successful and largely remained faithful to the source material. I'm just sayin'. It actually even made me confused. I've read the entire trilogy and am familiar with the storyline and I was like "WHAT? How can that happen???" Just...such superfluous changes.

Furthermore, in addition to the bad accents and weirdly altered storyline, there was a distinct lack of intensity in this film. If you've seen either version and/or read the book, you know there's a particularly pivotal, hardcore scene that takes place with Lisbeth and her guardian. In the first movie, I still watch it with my hands over my eyes, racing pulse, squirming in my seat, with a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach and I feel like my heart is gonna drop out my ass. Today, watching the U.S. version, I flinched. I thought 'ew'. And then I carried on watching. I expected Hollywood to throw fireworks and action and just more excess into the re-make but they seem to have done the opposite and made it as bleak as possible. Again, it was fine, just lacking.

Finally, Rooney Mara. Surprisingly (shockingly) she was the least annoying person in this movie. I know. I totally hate her. And yet she looked really good, her body was sick, she didn't over-act (like I suspected). She did a fine job. However. Like the film as a whole, she was too...meh. There was NO intensity about her. I wasn't really rooting for her. She was almost dead in the eyes. Maybe that's the direction David Fincher was going, but it didn't ring true to the book or the first film, where I was fist-pumping for her and dancing around in my chair with nervous energy.

She just did not do enough to convince me that she was a better or more true or more believable Lisbeth. Everyone keeps banging on about how she got pierced and cut her hair for the role and therefore is totally amazing but I'm just saying...Noomi did it all first. She seemed like more of a badass, but also like she genuinely had feelings and was troubled and cared about what was happening. But Rooney, like I said, seemed kinda dead behind the eyes and blank. Which, again, could've been the direction they were going for but it was a lot less powerful. It sort of kills me that this version will go on to get so many heralding accolades (I have twitter, I see what people are saying) when Noomi Rapace was so perfect as Lisbeth. She IS Lisbeth. Always and forever. Please, please, if you haven't seen it and do want to watch the new one, also watch the original. Just so you can see the amazing Noomi. Or just watch the Swedish version. Hah! 

Behold, Rooney as Lisbeth:

And my girl, Noomi:

Seeeeeeeeee? She IS Lisbeth!!! You have to see her in the role. She's flawless. I love her.

Essentially, what I'm trying to say is, if you're going to make a remake of such a recent film and you don't improve on it or add a new dimension to the story...it is totally pointless. This film is totally pointless. It is not revolutionary, no does it make any impact on the world at all.

P.S. In the U.S. version, I actually find Rooney/Lisbeth's hair quite bizarre. It's quite a detailed, very specific, cut and throughout the film she has quite complex hairstyles happening. Lisbeth Salander, in my opinion, judging from the novels, would not be assed to style her hair in such elaborate do's on any given day. I just don't see it. Nor would she be bothered to (pointlessly) bleach her eyebrows on a regular basis. But I mean, that's just me.

Golden Globes Memorable Moments

And finally, for my Globes wrap-up I shall finish with my top 10 Memorable Moments from the broadcast.

10. Giuliana Rancic is a class act
I've always liked Giuliana and thought she was a great red carpet interviewer, and coincidentally I've always hated Adam Levine. So during their interview when he was being a smug sanctimonious douche, I was astounded at how Giuliana was able to not only keep her cool, but actually continue to be sweet and try and keep the conversation going. I probably would have told him to suck it, and be happy he was getting any air time at all. I said it yesterday, and I'll say it again today: show some respect you asswipe. If you can't placate and go along with a lady battling cancer and a double mastectomy you need to sit yo ass down. Found the video:

9. Peter Dinklage
A moment of Peter Dinklage is a moment of win. Especially as he did actually win. And even though I was sort of backing Guy Pearce (I don't watch 'Game of Thrones' yet, so sue me), Dinklage made me smile with his acceptance speech and I was able to accept defeat graciously (I had to do this a lot throughout the night, but not everybody was as wonderful as Dinklage and so I felt a lot more bitter about it).

8. Jessica Alba has no career and subsequently, nothing to say
I laughed so.damn.hard. during Alba's red carpet interview with Ryan Seacrest (Gaycrest). I am so not on the Alba bandwagon, and much like Natalie Portman, I don't understand why people adore her. She's beautiful, yes, but she's vapid, talentless and she uses her kids for paparazzi shots constantly. You can avoid the paps if you want to, she chooses not to (see: Johnny Depp, Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio - all massive stars who largely manage to avoid getting papped). Anyway, the interview was hilarious because they plainly had nothing to talk about - she has no career to speak of, other than showing up, looking hot at events, and whoring out her kids. So they spoke about her kids and she asked him about his holiday. I can't find a video of it, but that's seriously it in a nutshell.

7. Ricky Gervais' Opening Monologue
Not as funny as last year, certainly not as scathing, but I still had a giggle. Might need to change it up next year though, he was way too nice to be asked back AGAIN. If the producers wanted him because of the controversy and the ratings last year, why shut him up this year?

6. Lea Michele pose-harding and loving herself sick
Oh my God. I have never laughed so hard in my life. Watching Lea Michele pose on the red carpet is hilarious and looks severely painful. But we covered this in my first blog. She needs to lighten up. This 'moment' is sort of split into two parts, because they have the same theme. During her interview with Ryan Seacrest she revealed her extreme narcissism again. It was so good. This is mainly because RyRy called her out on it. She swans up and immediately starts looking for the monitors and states "I always love coming here so I can see what I look like" to which Ryan responds with "boy you knew exactly where those were." OOOH. BURN. Skip to 1:20 for a glimpse of Leo and then Lea's interview.

5. Leonardo DiCaprio's general awesomeness and Scorsese bromance
Ummm. How hot did Leo look at the Globes? Dear Lord (Lady Gaga), I had shivers. There was one moment as they were going to a commercial break where the camera panned to Leo and he had one of those "oh shit, I'm on camera moments" and it was crazy adorable. I also just thought he was really, really cute when everyone was giving Scorcese a standing ovation and he was all clappy and grinning and awe.

4. Meryl Streep's acceptance speech
She was, quite clearly, shocked to win and therefore unprepared. So, of course, Clooney tried to help her by passing her glasses along to the stage and it was a bonus C-Bomb adorable moment. Even unprepared she managed to deliver a beautiful, gracious speech, thanking talented actresses who were not even nominated/present (like the lovely Mia Wasikowska). And then and then she thanked "God...Harvey Weinstein" and I almost died laughing. But the BEST part was when she thanked "everybody in England that let me come and trample all over their history" AND THEN THE CAMERA GOES TO MADGE!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my Harvey Weinstein, I almost died. DIED. (Because, um, she did exactly that with her stupid Nazi-sympathiser movie about Wallis Simpson). MERYL STREEP WINS AT LIFE.

3. Sofia Vergara. Everything about Sofia Vergara.
Can we just get Sofia Vergara to host everything, ever, everywhere? From her red carpet interview "She sends me dresses that they zip and they close" to her hilarious acceptance of 'Modern Family's award. Love her. Poor Julie Bowen, having to stand next to that.

2. Tina Fey video bomb
Tina was a little off last night, but she's still fucking awesome.Note: yes, I know both she and Amy were robbed. A lot of people were last night. Phew. It's a hard time, but I feel like we can all get through it.

1. ANYTHING WITH GEORGE CLOONEY IN IT, DUH. AND SUBSEQUENTLY BRANGELINA AND FASSY
Sooooo much great C-Bomb action last night, amirite??? From the cane, to the Brad bromance, to the Fassbender dick jokes...I mean, it was sort of Clooney's coming out. Which, by the way, I am totally cool with. But, before I get to those videos (no reason for me to write about it, George is better on film, always) I also want to give our man a different sort of props. I remember watching the red carpet live telecast and being absolutely downright shocked to see Clooney be interviewed so early on the red carpet. Like, I almost missed him. Folks this means that he was one of the first to arrive on the red carpet, and subsequently gave a shit-tonne of interviews. Yes, he is werking his Oscar campaign, but if you cast your mind back to 2011 you'll remember that it was Natalie Portman's year. She was a lock and she knew it. She turned up horrendously late to the Oscars and barely gave any interviews to any media outlet, not even taking advantage of her chance to shine a little spotlight for everybody else involved in the film, nothing. Clooney may be campaigning but he does it with a good attitude, a charming smile and gives good interview. So I DO want him to win, and I'll be happy for him if he does. Or Brad does. Or Fassy does. Or Gosling (as if, but still). Anyway, ENOUGH RANTING, onto the vids!

George Clooney makes fun of Brad's cane (skip to 0:50)

Full acceptance speech, bromancing Brad and coming out with his adoration of Fassy:

Thank you, once again, for making these things happen:

Best

Now for my Best lists! Yay! Don't we all feel much happier being positive and lovely about other women and stuff in general? Yes? Good. Unfortunately for us all though, it was slim-pickin's at the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards. Indeed, I believe I liked (statistically) more dude outfits than ladies last night! I mean, it's not as hard for a guy to dress up but still. Onto the clothes!

Best Dressed (Ladies)

OBVIOUSLY Tilda Swinton cannot put a foot wrong. From the moment I saw the very top of her perfect quiff and nothing else, she was on my 'BEST EVER HELL YES' list. So. Yes. It's just a bonus that her outfit is also batshit awesome. As always.

I personally don't really care a whole lot for this one, but I can see it's one of the best, I guess. I like the headband. It's a pretty silhouette on her. She is very pretty. It's better than when she went to the Oscars as an Oscar.

A little Michelle Williams at the Oscars circa 2011 perhaps, but no less fabulous on Amy. This dress was also backless, so she had that going for her. As well as Will Arnett alongside her. And her gorgeous face. And glowy, shiny hair. AMY, I LOVE YOU. Just fyi.

Claire Danes' dress was clearly so fab because of the back detail, which she admitted herself, in her interview with Ryan Seacrest ("this is an over-the-shoulder dress *fierce pose*"). It's true. Love her red lipstick too, so sick of nude lipgloss on celebs. I may be biased with Claire right now because I just watched the most adorable, awesome video ever of her and Leo rehearsing the pool scene for 'Romeo + Juliet' so I have a lot of love for her at the moment. Deal.

Oh. My. God. Is there anyone more adorable and humble and gracious and lovely as Jessica Chastain?! If you've seen her in ANY interview you'd know the answer is a resounding 'no'. She's also fabulously talented and wearing beautifully detailed Givenchy. So, she wins. In fact, I'll tell you a little story about Miss Chastain. Last week, at the Palm Springs Film Festival, Jessica was in the middle of an interview and answering a question about who she wanted to meet that night/was simply excited to see. About 10 seconds after she said 'Gary Oldman', he comes up next to her, grabs her by the shoulders and says (according to Lainey), "looking sincerely into her eyes (not in a pervy way) that he thinks she’s lovely and how much he enjoys her work" to which she responded by bursting into tears and trying to compose herself. I mean...she's a big, big deal but totally endearingly oblivious to that fact. (Ok, fine, I don't like the mum hair, but I forgive her).

WHATEVER, I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK I'M A HYPOCRITE IT'S JULIANNE MOORE. Look at that face! I think she is one of the most beautiful women on the planet. Her hair, that skin, those earrings...I'm in heavennnn.

 I didn't hate Melissa McCarthy's Emmy dress as much as everybody else, but I do think this is much, much better. It's custom Badgley Mischka and it's the same colour as her eyes. Goooorgeous.

MICHELLE. IN COLOUR. SMILING. WITH A CUTE HEADBAND. AND BUSY PHILLIPS AS HER DATE. Nothing Michelle does is ever bad for me (with the exception of the daisy dress last year) but this actually makes me super happy. The last time she wore all-colour on a major red carpet was the beautiful yellow Vera Wang at the Oscars, with Heath. Awe. Now that Kiki appears to be out of the running, I hope Michelle wins the Oscar.

I know. I didn't love this at first glance either, but it grew on me. SMG has a habit of being stupidly, adorably endearing and I can't help myself. YOU WIN AGAIN BUFFY.

Dame Helen. I mean, yep. Look for yourself. That waist, that skin, that colour...it's all good. Glad to see navy having a moment (as opposed to RED like last year).

Heidi got here just by the skin of her teeth. It's a bit shapeless, yes, but the turquoise jewellery really elevates the look. And I like the back. While her hair and makeup is also a general improvement on what she usually looks like, she should be rocking a coral lip with this peachy-nude ensemble. Just sayin'.

Best Dressed (Ladies - Overall)

Was there ever any doubt? Emma Stone in Lanvin captured my heart. The colour looks sublime on her and she has an eagle belt buckle. So. Yes. She wins at life. Particularly as she is currently banging Andrew Garfield.

I also expected great things from Evan Rachel Wood and I was not disappointed. The second I saw her, I gasped and did a few happy claps. It's a gorgeous colour on her/the carpet, the sequins, the feathers...so many stunning details. Look at her. She knows she rocked it. Her kiss and cuddle with George Clooney during the ceremony also made me squeal, but would have loved to see her cavorting with her brand new fiance, Jamie Bell. Sigh. 

 Best Dressed (Dudes)

A man not in black! Well done Ricky Gervais, you win this one. Even if you did leave your own Golden Globes at home and behaved yourself this year. Bor-ring. I expected more from you.

 Colin Firth in what I'm assuming is, as always, Tom Ford. It's a winning combination, every time.

FASSY!!!! I don't know if it's actually possible for him to look bad, ever, but Michael Fassbender looks downright bangin'. I'd hit it. All day. And forever. Zoe Kravitz you are seriously deranged leaving Fassy for LONELY BOY (aka Penn Badgley) you crazy, crazy girl.

Leo has DEFINITELY still got it. You start to see him in all these paparazzi shots, and he's in shorts and long socks and you forget how mighty his appeal can be when he turns it on. A shower, slicked back hair and a well-cut suit later...I feel all hot and flustered.

Best Dude

NO, DUH. George Clooney was the big winner of the night (as long as it's not the dude from 'The Artist' at the Oscars, I'll be alright with whoever wins Best Actor. As long as it's George or Brad or Fassy) and he looked it. I just wish he knew that while Stacy seems like a very nice lady, he doesn't need her for his Oscar campaign. We'll love him anyway. You can do it without her George! I love you, but. Do whatever you want. Kiss. George Clooney for President! Of Hollywood, anyway.

Best Couple (Double DUH)

If George Clooney is the President of Hollywood, Brangelina are obviously King and Queen. I look forward to seeing them on the red carpet so badly, I crave the Pitt Porn. Every detail about them as a couple, in public, is pre-determined, down to the tiniest little detail. They reveal exactly as much as they want, and they decide what they want to say about themselves as a couple, with juuust enough to give us a taste and leave us wanting more. And I love it. I love watching them. I love what she's wearing, I LOVE her red lipstick, I love how only he ever opens her car door, I love how they look at each other when they're on stage, I love when she reminds us why we fawn all over her beauty, I. LOVE. IT. Brangelina forever!

Best 'if only'

If only these people actually attended/were nominated/whatever last night, my life would have been a lot happier today and these Best lists would have been a little bit longer, I just know it.

Kirsten Dunst
Ryan Gosling
Ryan Reynolds
Elizabeth Olsen

You were all missed.

Worst

The Golden Globes took place on Jan 16th and as you can imagine, I have a lot of thoughts. Mostly, they went along the lines of "WHAT? WHYYY?", "That person is drunk", "I want to sleep with that person", and "George Clooney, don't you know you don't need to have a lame-ass girlfriend to win these things? You're the Boss!"

But mostly I care about the clothes. Happily, THANKFULLY, there was NOT an overwhelming display of blush, nude, sparkly ballgown numbers around (though there was a lot of nudey peach, but that's more acceptable) but there also really wasn't much of anything really. I hope we can expect more from the Oscars because the Globes, in terms of outfits, were entirely underwhelming and the men impressed me much more than the women.

I've got a few blogs coming up, because if I write about all my feelings re: Globes in one post, it will go on forever and nobody will read it.

SO. We begin, of course, with worst dressed. This list sort of surprises/pains even me because so many of these beauteous creatures are usually on my Best Dressed List. And now they're not. Step up your game folks!

Worst Dressed

 

Oh, Amanda Peet. Did you wear this horrendous thing so that people would be talking about you again? Here's a hint: dress pretty and find a way to get me Jack and Jill on DVD and I'll talk about you then.

If you read my blog last week, you know my thoughts about Natalie Portman. And this disgusting, vile pink and red monstrosity has done nothing to assuage how I feel about her. PINK. AND. RED.

Ah, the first of the fishtail/mermaid gowns. This was a glaring trend last night and an awful one. You know me, I've always hated a fishtail. I don't think it suits ANYBODY, it's unflattering, it's weird and it looks like you can't walk. Too difficult. And not even The Body can make this silhouette work. Also it's just, like, an ugly dress.

I don't think Freida Pinto has ever made one of my Worsts lists, and yet, here she is. This makes me sad. The colour is kinda nice and the bodice fits well...that's about it really. The bottom part...well, it's unflattering at best.

Kate! Noooooooooo! I went back and forth with this one, but only after I saw this pic. During the red carpet and ceremony, I hated it. So I'm sticking with my original gut feeling. I'm thinking it didn't move very well? It looked like it didn't fit right, and yet, I quite like the top bit in this picture. Hmmm. Maybe it's just better stationary. That wasn't very helpful. Stoked she won though! ALSO: no Leo + Kate moment?! WTF?? THEY ARE BEST FRIENDS AND WE GET NOTHING?

The way I feel about Rooney Mara is akin to how I feel about Natalie Portman. However, Rooney is more open about the fact that she is a cunt (refers to herself as 'aloof', bitches about all her previous acting jobs which apparently were unworthy of her extreme talent, etc.) so I guess we give her props for that. She also, apparently, finds it beneath her to smile/show appreciation for being nominated/acknowledge what an honour this is for an actor or actress/demonstrate any form of humility/act like a decent human being. Take some lessons from Jessica Chastain, bitch.
                                                      

HEY YOU GUYS, DID YOU KNOW THAT JESSICA BIEL IS GETTING MARRIED THIS YEAR? She turned up in a wedding dress, so I'm guessing that's why she was there? To remind us? That she gets to marry a loser cheater and be his #1 girl. Which he is finally cool with, coz she'll let him get his on the side, as long as she gets to be his bona fide? Ugh. Her career certainly isn't adequate enough reason to let her present "Best Television Series for a Comedy or Musical". Also, Leighton did it better last year, in Burberry.

Sigh, another painful one. Kristen Wiig I LOVE your ass, and I so, so wanted 'Bridesmaids' to win (you were robbed) and yet when you turn up like this, you give me no choice (I love commas!). There's no colour! Your hair is so dark and monochrome! I like your necklace though. And that you're currently banging Fabrizio Moretti from The Srokes. But mostly, I like how you used to look before you figured you had to 'grow up' or something.

Haha. Hahahahaha. Not only is this a butt-ugly dress, but Lea Michele actually looks like she's in pain, trying to contort herself into those positions. Have you seen her try to do it on film? She's become renowned for it now and people mock her...yet, she doesn't stop. Does she think she looks good? Does she think people admire her fierce contortions? Gurl, relax, we just want to shake you out.

Durrr. This is effing disgusting. I will give Madge props though for her new new face. It looks great, much better than her old new face.

I know. I KNOW. It's Meryl Streep. Who gives a shit what list she is on, she is above petty lists by pathetic anonymous bloggers, and yet...she was nominated. She was one of the frontrunners. What the hell? She usually turns it out when she thinks she has a chance of winning. I don't know.

Another one not usually on my Worst list! Sad, saggy blah black dress? Boring makeup? She was very, very 'meh' all evening, even in her interviews. Perk up, ladypants, you can't always be in a hugely nominated film! You take what you can!

Why is, Kelly Osbourne? Shit, I hate her. How dare she be allowed to provide commentary on other people's fashions when she turns up looking like this, and worse. Joan Rivers may be a kook but at least she's funny! Giuliana may not always be stunning but at least she's likeable! All Kelly does is point out when other women look fat and pat herself on the back for losing weight. Also, her hair is purple. Far out. I can't even...

So, Dianna Agron is a figure skater now? If Rachel McAdams only just barely pulled off her version (in context: Cannes, and she was the star of the premiere), Dianna should be slaughtered for even trying.

Oh. Piper Perabo. I don't even...I just...nope, I don't have anything. I just can't with this.

Reese Witherspoon is trying to be sexy now, did you know? Good for her, but 'sexy' ain't her bag. Beautiful, yes. Elegant, definitely. Sexy? Hellz no. On top of the fact that it was red (on the red carpet...) and it was a fishtail gown, it didn't fit right. It looked tight and bunched-up around her middle and reaaally precariously loose on her boobies. You can kind of see it in the second pic, but watching footage of her...I was worried we were gonna see the girls. Plus her hair just looks messy. Reese looks better sleek.

This one kpisses me off the most. Of all the people in Hollywood, Salma Hayek has no excuse. With her connections (her husband Francois-Henri Pinault is the CEO of a company that owns YSL, Gucci and Balenciaga to name a few) she should be wearing something amazing, not this disgusting shiny thing. Oh my God.

Tinaaaa!!!! Nooooooooo! I almost put this on the Best list, just because of Tina, but I really can't. It's a (voluminous!) fishtail, it's ruched in places it shouldn't be...eek. I WILL give her snaps for colour and a stunning, stunning face though. Her hair and makeup are divine. I'm sorry Tina. I love you. Always. Oh geez, I'm starting to sweat and my hands are shaking...I should put this in the best column, shouldn't I?! I LOVE YOUU <3

Zooey, not so much. I think she has finally moved herself from the 'cute and a little bit quirky' to just 'plain annoying' column. A lot of pictures in my Google search were of her doing stupid cutesy poses like that. Also, her 'custom' Prada dress fit badly and looked like it was about three different outfits in one. I like Emily better now! See how genuine and adorbs she looks?! OH AND look at the hideous sideburn type things happening with Zooey's hair!!! What IS that?!

Worst Boys

Adam Levine is SUCH a douchebag, I know this, and yet still he surprises me. I intensely dislike him. Also, he was incredibly, incredibly rude to Giuliana Rancic during his interview and she remained so charming and professional and sweet and I just wanted to punch him. Dude, why were you even there?! Shut your damn mouth with your goddamn attitude and refusal to answer questions - what the hell else was Giuliana supposed to ask you about (seeing as though you pretty much have no reason to be there)??? Ugh, sit DOWN Adam Levine. Props to Giuliana though, the consummate professional. Who, by the way, is battling breast cancer and a double mastectomy and would probably much rather be doing other things than interview your ungrateful, sanctominous ass so show some goddamn respect ADAM.

Duh. The douchiest of douchey douchebags. Such a vile sleaze and yet this twat gets celebrated and rewarded every day in Hollywood (I'm talking about his paycheck and being asked to present an award). Blegh.

Gerard Butler. I don't get it ladies/some gentlemen. Really? This scruffy, spitty, sleazebag? REALLY? I mean, sure I cried in 'P.S. I love you' but...really? Yes? This is a sexy dream guy for so many of you? I give up.

Stay tuned for my Best list + what I think were the most memorable moments.