Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Step it up Hollywood!

So the Golden Globes were on Monday. Jesus fucking Christ what a disappointment. Never have I been so saddened by such a huge cohort of Hollywood celebs and their fashion sense. What is the goddamn excuse to look like shit in a puffball metallic sateen ballgown covered in bows and/or daisies? WHAT?

Ugh, I have lots to vent about so let's get started.

Green was obviously the colour of the night. I don't take particular offence to the colour itself, but rather, the way in which it is worn.

Elisabeth Moss was DEFINITELY the worst of the green wearers. This dress, I heard, was made specifically for her. Then what the hell is the excuse for such a terrible fit? She is a petite girl, why the awkward bunching around the hips? Why the misplaced draping around her midsection? Vom. 

I am kind of ambivalent about Mila Kunis. It's not a disaster, but it's not particularly flattering. Gorgeous colour on her though, nice shape, and beautiful coral makeup to offset the green. Overall: approve.

Angelina Jolie still has me perplexed. I have ranged from overwhelmingly ecstatic that she is wearing colour (!!!) to horrified by the awkward fit on her very thin frame (note how she's still trying to cover her arms) to just 'meh'. So. I dunno.

Catherine Zeta-Jones on the other hand, knocked this outta the park. And thank God, because I miss the divine CZJ. Also, I sniffled when Michael Douglas got a standing ovation when he came onstage and said "there must be an easier way to get a standing ovation than this" - sads! But awe.

Vomit. Just...vomit.
Totally horrified by all of these, for various reasons.

UUUGHHH. She is so talented and yet she makes me despise her so. She is so damn full of Try! Gurl, you are SO YOUNG you don't need to do the ball gown to every damn red carpet. ESPECIALLY not the Globes. ESPECIALLY not in nausea-inducing bubblegum pink. And let's not get started on the overwhelming emotion you felt when your buddy Chris Colfer won. Just quietly, to me, it looked like you were in pain. Like the universe had robbed you of the spotlight you so deserved. Vom to you.

I hate Country Bitch Carrie Underwood. Apparently she is notoriously bitchy and high maintenance so I have the right to irrationally hate her. But more importantly, I hate her style, or lack thereof. It is always sparkly, it is always showgirl and it is always Blah. To further add insult to injury, she has had her hair styled in a french twist (!!!!!!!!) She was not the only one to do so, but her french twist coupled with the two tendrils at her jawline is just too much to handle.

Another french twist. Memo to Hollywood lameshits: stop trying to make them happen, they're not going to happen. I have never been a fan of Eva Longoria. She always seems to be in fishtail gowns (blegh anyway, blegh again for repeated offences) and at the Globes it was patently clear that she was trying to remind us "Hey look! I am getting divorced! I am a victim and mourning for my marriage! I can't even smile or wear lipstick for the Globes!" C'mon now, if you were suffering so bad, why are you there? You're not nominated or anything.

Self-explanatory really. I love you Halle but WHAT. 

Heidi Klum. For me, she is another repeat offender. I always seem to hate her hair and makeup especially. This is no different. What a fucking mess. She looks like a half-assed clown.

I have issues with sparkly and I have issues with ball gowns. Olivia Wilde you disappoint me on both accounts. To further shit all over this, you have not even bothered to put your hair up. A loose, messy chignon would have elevated this already faltering look but instead, your limp tresses leave little to be desired. I don't get you.

HAHAHAHA. Oh J-Lo did you make me LOL or what when I saw this. Seriously. I just...what? What is that? That sparkly veil thing? Are you serious? Is this what you think will endear you to middle America just as you're about to debut on 'American Idol'?You look like you're going to a fancy quincinera. And it's YOUR quincinera.

And at the after party it just got worse. 

Jennifer Love Hewitt despite the fact that this is revolting, I have to forgive you for your Globes outfit. I mean, you were there nominated for your role as a hooker who worked as a manicurist who had to turn to hooking because of the recession. You were nominated alongside Clare Danes as Temple Grandin and Dame Judi Dench. So instead of slaughtering you, I want to thank you for making that happen. 

MICHELLE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? You are like my favourite! I fucking love you! What is going on here? Daisies aren't a thing! Daisies have never been a thing! YOUR DRESS IS BEING HELD UP BY SEASHELLS! SEASHELLS!!!! And despite your divine coral makeup (how long have I been harping on about coral for? Seriously. Gorgeous.) I know what you are capable of. So this makes me sad. Remember this:


Groan-worthy acceptance speech here:

 Look at it. Look at That Thing that she chose to wear. It gets worse at every angle. It is a fucking pink sheet held up by a sparkly red rose. Is it Valentine's Day? This girl is campaigning HARD for an Oscar. Her bullshit stance on keeping her private life private is bullshit. She is milking her pregnancy and her romance for this Oscar and her speech nearly made me set myself on fire. Never in a million years did I think I would hate on Natalie Portman for anything, but all my love for her is gone. GONE. Also, apparently she is a big bitch. I believe it. Oh and she's also rockin' the french twist. Because it's 1983 and she is a wealthy 45-year-old socialite. 


Kate Hudson is here to remind us that there is NO EXCUSE for looking fug and uncool while pregnant. No excuse!

I like.
All of these following looks appealed to me at the Globes. You may wanna fight me, but I don't care. But there's something about each of them that stands out amongst the shit.

I know, I know. But it's different. It's not a sparkly sugary princess confection. She's not trying to be That Girl and I love her for it. She did it with that AMAHZING Versace number at the Emmy's last year and she did it again. This is how you do. Love her or hate her she is a breath of fresh air. Also, her hair and makeup are always perfection.

Clean, beautiful lines and a gorgeous colour. Emma Stone can do no wrong in my eyes and I really liked the minimalism of this dress. She doesn't need Swarovski crystals.


Kyra Sedgwick = uber babe. One half of one of my fave Hollywood couples and totally banging. Love the colour, love the jewellery, love the gorgeous ponytail. This is my new favourite hairstyle.

Annie! Annie was my absolute favourite!!! So glad I have met her and like her now so I can be loving all over this without hating myself. But it's so polished and glam and sexy that I feel like I should be calling her Anne now. Divine. Good job Team Zoe! And good job Anne for pulling it off so splendidly.

Honourable mention: Amber Riley. I know it is sparkly. BUT it fits her so gorgeously, clings in all the right spots and flatters her so perfectly, how can I deny that she knocked this outta the park? Also, like Anne's, it's a bit hardcore and metallic and therefore a bit edgy so Amber and Anne definitely win out of all the sparklies.

Who cares?
These three ladies are so rad and nutso, it really does not matter what the fuck they decide to wear. Team crazy!

Helena Bonham Carter is wearing odd shoes!!! I fucking love her. She's sure to make the 'Worst Dressed' lists next week but I don't know why those mags bother - it's HBC! She can do whatever the fuck she wants! Ditto for Tilda. And actually, Annette does not look half so kooky as I have come to expect. Team Annette for the Best Actress Oscar! Fuck you N.Port.

The Men
Seriously, the men really showed how it's done at the Globes this year. Sure, it's one thing showering and putting on a suit compared to what the women go through but these dudes all showed us how to be elegant, yet stylish and how important it is to wear an outfit that fits right. Rawr.

My new love Andrew Garfield is looking very suave isn't he? I really like his gait. His posture, his body in a suit, that fine. Jake Gyllenhaal is just a given. Any excuse to put him on my blog. On the other hand, it's been a while since R-Pattz got any love from me but I did so love his navy suit the other night. It fit like a dream and he owned it. Nothing much better than a sexy man in a sexy suit. I'm lookin' at you Ryan Gosling.

Ugh. Nicole Kidman. Why must you torture me so? Not only was your outfit completely blah but I was actually physically cringeing when I a) saw your face and b) witnessed your embarrassing and overt false displays of affection. We get it. You love each other. Stop trying to sell it to us. And go back to wearing amazing dresses! I truly used to consider your style infallible. Also, I miss your face.

P.S. Most pics borrowed from,,, - I think.
P.P.S. Oh and you've seen Ricky Gervais' monologue right? Amazing, non? I swear I almost came when he referred to the closeted Scientologists (I have been telling all y'all that Tom Cruise and John Travolta are gay for a million years but nobody listens to me!!!) and called out the HFPA for wanting The Brange to come so bad that they bribed them with nominations. So much love. It's here if you haven't seen it:


  1. I *love* what HBC wore... I've done the mismatched shoes before :-)

  2. Really? Oh I'm so jealous. I don't think I'd ever have the balls to do it, I'm not that awesome.

    But you are! x