Step it up Hollywood!

So the Golden Globes were on Monday. Jesus fucking Christ what a disappointment. Never have I been so saddened by such a huge cohort of Hollywood celebs and their fashion sense. What is the goddamn excuse to look like shit in a puffball metallic sateen ballgown covered in bows and/or daisies? WHAT?

Ugh, I have lots to vent about so let's get started.

Green
Green was obviously the colour of the night. I don't take particular offence to the colour itself, but rather, the way in which it is worn.

Elisabeth Moss was DEFINITELY the worst of the green wearers. This dress, I heard, was made specifically for her. Then what the hell is the excuse for such a terrible fit? She is a petite girl, why the awkward bunching around the hips? Why the misplaced draping around her midsection? Vom. 

I am kind of ambivalent about Mila Kunis. It's not a disaster, but it's not particularly flattering. Gorgeous colour on her though, nice shape, and beautiful coral makeup to offset the green. Overall: approve.

Angelina Jolie still has me perplexed. I have ranged from overwhelmingly ecstatic that she is wearing colour (!!!) to horrified by the awkward fit on her very thin frame (note how she's still trying to cover her arms) to just 'meh'. So. I dunno.

Catherine Zeta-Jones on the other hand, knocked this outta the park. And thank God, because I miss the divine CZJ. Also, I sniffled when Michael Douglas got a standing ovation when he came onstage and said "there must be an easier way to get a standing ovation than this" - sads! But awe.

Vomit. Just...vomit.
Totally horrified by all of these, for various reasons.

UUUGHHH. She is so talented and yet she makes me despise her so. She is so damn full of Try! Gurl, you are SO YOUNG you don't need to do the ball gown to every damn red carpet. ESPECIALLY not the Globes. ESPECIALLY not in nausea-inducing bubblegum pink. And let's not get started on the overwhelming emotion you felt when your buddy Chris Colfer won. Just quietly, to me, it looked like you were in pain. Like the universe had robbed you of the spotlight you so deserved. Vom to you.

I hate Country Bitch Carrie Underwood. Apparently she is notoriously bitchy and high maintenance so I have the right to irrationally hate her. But more importantly, I hate her style, or lack thereof. It is always sparkly, it is always showgirl and it is always Blah. To further add insult to injury, she has had her hair styled in a french twist (!!!!!!!!) She was not the only one to do so, but her french twist coupled with the two tendrils at her jawline is just too much to handle.

Another french twist. Memo to Hollywood lameshits: stop trying to make them happen, they're not going to happen. I have never been a fan of Eva Longoria. She always seems to be in fishtail gowns (blegh anyway, blegh again for repeated offences) and at the Globes it was patently clear that she was trying to remind us "Hey look! I am getting divorced! I am a victim and mourning for my marriage! I can't even smile or wear lipstick for the Globes!" C'mon now, if you were suffering so bad, why are you there? You're not nominated or anything.

Self-explanatory really. I love you Halle but WHAT. 

Heidi Klum. For me, she is another repeat offender. I always seem to hate her hair and makeup especially. This is no different. What a fucking mess. She looks like a half-assed clown.

I have issues with sparkly and I have issues with ball gowns. Olivia Wilde you disappoint me on both accounts. To further shit all over this, you have not even bothered to put your hair up. A loose, messy chignon would have elevated this already faltering look but instead, your limp tresses leave little to be desired. I don't get you.

HAHAHAHA. Oh J-Lo did you make me LOL or what when I saw this. Seriously. I just...what? What is that? That sparkly veil thing? Are you serious? Is this what you think will endear you to middle America just as you're about to debut on 'American Idol'?You look like you're going to a fancy quincinera. And it's YOUR quincinera.

And at the after party it just got worse. 

Jennifer Love Hewitt despite the fact that this is revolting, I have to forgive you for your Globes outfit. I mean, you were there nominated for your role as a hooker who worked as a manicurist who had to turn to hooking because of the recession. You were nominated alongside Clare Danes as Temple Grandin and Dame Judi Dench. So instead of slaughtering you, I want to thank you for making that happen. 

MICHELLE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? You are like my favourite! I fucking love you! What is going on here? Daisies aren't a thing! Daisies have never been a thing! YOUR DRESS IS BEING HELD UP BY SEASHELLS! SEASHELLS!!!! And despite your divine coral makeup (how long have I been harping on about coral for? Seriously. Gorgeous.) I know what you are capable of. So this makes me sad. Remember this:

 

Groan-worthy acceptance speech here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLVUwSZtJMs

 Look at it. Look at That Thing that she chose to wear. It gets worse at every angle. It is a fucking pink sheet held up by a sparkly red rose. Is it Valentine's Day? This girl is campaigning HARD for an Oscar. Her bullshit stance on keeping her private life private is bullshit. She is milking her pregnancy and her romance for this Oscar and her speech nearly made me set myself on fire. Never in a million years did I think I would hate on Natalie Portman for anything, but all my love for her is gone. GONE. Also, apparently she is a big bitch. I believe it. Oh and she's also rockin' the french twist. Because it's 1983 and she is a wealthy 45-year-old socialite. 

 




















Kate Hudson is here to remind us that there is NO EXCUSE for looking fug and uncool while pregnant. No excuse!

I like.
All of these following looks appealed to me at the Globes. You may wanna fight me, but I don't care. But there's something about each of them that stands out amongst the shit.

I know, I know. But it's different. It's not a sparkly sugary princess confection. She's not trying to be That Girl and I love her for it. She did it with that AMAHZING Versace number at the Emmy's last year and she did it again. This is how you do. Love her or hate her she is a breath of fresh air. Also, her hair and makeup are always perfection.

Clean, beautiful lines and a gorgeous colour. Emma Stone can do no wrong in my eyes and I really liked the minimalism of this dress. She doesn't need Swarovski crystals.

 

Kyra Sedgwick = uber babe. One half of one of my fave Hollywood couples and totally banging. Love the colour, love the jewellery, love the gorgeous ponytail. This is my new favourite hairstyle.

Annie! Annie was my absolute favourite!!! So glad I have met her and like her now so I can be loving all over this without hating myself. But it's so polished and glam and sexy that I feel like I should be calling her Anne now. Divine. Good job Team Zoe! And good job Anne for pulling it off so splendidly.

Honourable mention: Amber Riley. I know it is sparkly. BUT it fits her so gorgeously, clings in all the right spots and flatters her so perfectly, how can I deny that she knocked this outta the park? Also, like Anne's, it's a bit hardcore and metallic and therefore a bit edgy so Amber and Anne definitely win out of all the sparklies.

Who cares?
These three ladies are so rad and nutso, it really does not matter what the fuck they decide to wear. Team crazy!

Helena Bonham Carter is wearing odd shoes!!! I fucking love her. She's sure to make the 'Worst Dressed' lists next week but I don't know why those mags bother - it's HBC! She can do whatever the fuck she wants! Ditto for Tilda. And actually, Annette does not look half so kooky as I have come to expect. Team Annette for the Best Actress Oscar! Fuck you N.Port.

The Men
Seriously, the men really showed how it's done at the Globes this year. Sure, it's one thing showering and putting on a suit compared to what the women go through but these dudes all showed us how to be elegant, yet stylish and how important it is to wear an outfit that fits right. Rawr.

My new love Andrew Garfield is looking very suave isn't he? I really like his gait. His posture, his body in a suit, that face...so fine. Jake Gyllenhaal is just a given. Any excuse to put him on my blog. On the other hand, it's been a while since R-Pattz got any love from me but I did so love his navy suit the other night. It fit like a dream and he owned it. Nothing much better than a sexy man in a sexy suit. I'm lookin' at you Ryan Gosling.

Cringe-worthy
Ugh. Nicole Kidman. Why must you torture me so? Not only was your outfit completely blah but I was actually physically cringeing when I a) saw your face and b) witnessed your embarrassing and overt false displays of affection. We get it. You love each other. Stop trying to sell it to us. And go back to wearing amazing dresses! I truly used to consider your style infallible. Also, I miss your face.

P.S. Most pics borrowed from LaineyGossip.com, JustJared.com, gofugyourself.com, InStyle.com - I think.
P.P.S. Oh and you've seen Ricky Gervais' monologue right? Amazing, non? I swear I almost came when he referred to the closeted Scientologists (I have been telling all y'all that Tom Cruise and John Travolta are gay for a million years but nobody listens to me!!!) and called out the HFPA for wanting The Brange to come so bad that they bribed them with nominations. So much love. It's here if you haven't seen it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvHXzP2SpLA

Hot pieces of male ass

Unf. Lately I have become a terrible example of an objectifying asshole re: the way I talk about erm, hot pieces of male ass. I have never been that person (well, sometimes but it doesn't count as part of who you are if it is only Drunk You) but all of a sudden, I became a lewd, crude objectifying machine. And it is rather enjoyable. So for my own pleasure I compiled a whole lot of sexy pictures of sexy people that make me happy inside.

I am putting my whole self out there with this post. I am including EVERY single man-person that gets me going. Some of them are cliche hot boys, others you personally may not 'get', and others you may judge me for. I am ready to take you on. My desire is a natural, all-pervasive force. I cannot, and will not, fight it.

Oh, also, I may have forgotten the odd hot celeb here or there, but I'm sure you won't be too mad if I post a part 2. Enjoy.

Robert Downey Jr


Um. Clearly I could've posted any and every RDJ pic that exists. It took a LOT of time narrowing it down to this gorgeous, vulnerable pic by Sam Taylor-Wood, but I got there. It shows his sexiness AND his sensitivity. Love.

Anthony Kiedis


Duh. Hot rock boys are the best type of boys.

Anderson Cooper aka The Silver Fox


If you don't know who he is, educate yourself please. Preferably with candid paparazzi shots of him going to the gym. If that's your thing. Oh, also, he's smart.

Zac Efron


Whatever, I know most of you are already fighting with me. I am sick of justifying this one so to better your own lives just go and watch "17 Again". Trust.

Alexander Skarsgard


Have you seen the video of him with a face full of male ass? Youtube itttt. Now he just has to drop that skank bitch gf who has really nice clothes and doesn't deserve them, and he will be perfect. You're better than that ASkars. You were in a Lady Gaga video.

Bradley Cooper


Not gonna lie, BCoop did NOTHING for me until I saw "The Hangover". It's that smug, shit-faced, asshole smirk that does it. Mmm. Oh and he speaks French. Fluently. Rawr.

Caleb Followill


I have a public apology to put out there for Caleb: for years I used to think Jared was the hottest one in Kings of Leon. I was mistaken. Caleb, you cut your hair and shaved your beard and stopped fighting the Hot and now you are the sexy beast I never knew you to be. Thank you.

Colin Farrell


Irish bad boy turned good and obsessed with his special needs son. Um, need I say more?

Ed Westwick


I'm a bit ashamed of this one considering all the recent chest-hair cleavage pics that have been popping up. But Mr. Chuck always wins out in the end.

Gale Harold aka Brian Kinney




Gale gets a HD pic and a sexy one too. I was so obsessed with his character in "Queer as Folk", Brian Kinney, that when I was 13 I wanted to be a gay man. Confused, yes. But also the beginning of a lifelong love affair? Absolutely. I used to think Gale would make the perfect Dorian Gray in a movie adaptation. Sadly, he's probably too old now.

Prince Harry aka Prince Hot Ginge


Deluded 10 year old me used to be obsessed with marrying Prince William and being a Queen. Teenage me developed hormones and suddenly understood the appeal of Harry.

Jason Segel and Paul Rudd


I don't necessarily have a thing for Jason and Paul together, but this picture was too adorable not to post. But goddamn. Paul Rudd how do you manage to get so good-looking as you get older? Because I didn't even look at you twice in "Clueless". And Jason...I don't even know. Just so cute. I bet he'd be a good boyfriend.

Johnny Depp


...

Pacey Witter I mean Joshua Jackson


Looooooved Pacey back in the day, still obsessed with Pacey/Andie in fact. From "The Mighty Ducks", to Dawson's, to "The Skulls", to now, Josh always has a place in my heart. Also, if he's good enough for Diane Kruger...

Denzel Washington


Such a handsome man. Such a hot man. Every time he yells in "Remember the Titans"...mmm, a little bit of me dies inside. In a good way.

Leonardo DiCaprio circa "Romeo and Juliet"


I love Leo. He's an amazing actor, he's an activist, he loves his mum. But I pretty much only want to bang him from this era. When he's smoking the cigarette sitting on Venice Beach...love.

Nick Hoult


Who woulda thought the kid from "About a Boy" would grow up to be asshole Tony on "Skins"? Such pretty blue eyes. And a promising career also. Yay can't wait to see more!

Ryan Kwanten


Yeah.

Timothy Olyphant aka the serial killer in Scream 2


Always thought he was a psychotic hottie. And then he just got hotter. See "Rock Star" for reference. He has bad hair but there's a scene where Jennifer Aniston cuts him out of his undies while he's wearing leather pants. Well, I think it was his character. I may just be projecting a fantasy. If it happened, it was hot.

Rafael Nadal


Roger, you have my heart but Rafael has my...well. Talented, ripped, funny, rich, and not afraid of male-on-male affection - Rafael may be perfect. Oh and he speaks broken English so we wouldn't fight that much.

Robert Schwartzman


Robert played Michael in "The Princess Diaries" so I automatically fell in love with him as soon as he first appeared onscreen as my Dream Man. But then I discovered he is also the lead singer of Rooney and that was it. Full-blown love. And yes, his surname does indicate he is part of the Hollywood Schwartzman/Coppola dynasty. Nephew of Francis Ford. Cousin of Sophia. Jackpot!

Dylan Moran


You may not believe me but there were SO MANY adorable pictures of Dylan to post, that I did struggle. But I feel like this one encapsulates him perfectly: adorable, bemused and drunk.

Ewan McGregor


Ewan in anything but "Moulin Rouge". Don't get me wrong, I loved the film and I cry every single time I watch it and he has a very pretty singing voice, but no, he is not hot in it.

Denny Duquette


This is who I Googled, I don't even know the actor's name. But I think he is so very gorgeous and I used to always get him confused with Javier Bardem. In fact, I am including him in this post as a substitute. You see, ever since watching "No Country For Old Men" for uni I am terrified of Javier Bardem and cannot fully enjoy his hotness. Damn you uni you are ruining my life!!!

Guillaume Canet


This hot French dude used to be married to Diane Kruger and is now married to Marion Cotillard. Clearly, he has something going for him.

XZibit


Yeah, I don't know. "Pimp My Ride" made me fall in love with him. I think it's the adorable laugh he has. He is so cute. Awe.

David Beckham


Well this is no big shock. And yes, there are a million pics of him with his shirt off but I chose this one. Why? For me personally, the fact that he seems to be such an amazing dad makes him a million times hotter. Go figure.

Russell Brand


He is very funny and has had a lot of 'experience'. These two facts make me very interested indeed.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers circa "Bend it Like Beckham"


He is an alcoholic asshole now, but in "BILB" and "Velvet Goldmine" he captured my lusty heart.

T.I.


I think it was the hilarious interviews he did with Chelsea Handler that really made me keen on T.I. And then I realised he was very, very sexy. And then he got married to a gross troll-like thing but I still love him. But they have been together for over 10 years and she did stand by and wait for him while he was in prison, so I guess I can accept their union.

Jon Hamm


Initially I thought the appeal of Jon Hamm was Don Draper, but then I started reading interviews and saw videos of him on youtube and I realised he is even sexier as himself. He is intelligent, a little bit ruffled, funny and totally devoted to his gf. I love him. And his abs. And his blue eyes. And his smile. And his legs in a baseball uniform (Google it). Mmm.

Which brings us to the top two. The amount of love/lust I have for these two gents is insurmountable.

Ryan Gosling


Initially I did not want to post a pic of Ryan with an ex-girlfriend but all the sexiest photos of him are when he is making out with Rachel McAdams. And who am I to deny you of The Hot? Grr. He is so sexy and funny and charming and I am currently turning to mush.

Jake Gyllenhaal aka my future husband


I'm thinking about doing a whole post dedicated to my Jakey, because I simply cannot express my love for him sufficiently in this little caption. The videos, the pictures...there is so much I want to share with you all. So enjoy this little taste, there's more to come.

And I'm done. You're welcome.