Roger Federer

Dear Foxtel,

If you would be so kind, I have a request to make of you. Could you please play a fucking Roger Federer match at a fucking decent hour so I can watch one of his fucking matches during the French Open? I have not had a chance to see ONE!!!! I understand you're being teases and trying to get the audience to keep watching but fyi, most of us have jobs and cannot afford to lose 5 hours of sleep to wait up for a tennis match. We would LIKE to but our sanity and ability to stay awake do not allow us the luxury of doing so.

Many of you non-tennis fans (or simple ignorami) may be thinking, "but hey there Aphrodite - it is not our fault what time the match is on - Fox Sports is LIVE". But according to the scheduling program on the official French Open website, many matches are on at the SAME TIME. Therefore Foxtel wanks are making executive decisions with regards to what matches they show when. It is irritating.

Sure, I can sit through a Djokovic match. I can enjoy a Nadal match. But when you show 2 WOMEN'S matches in a row, we have a problem. Show Federer at a fucking decent time. He is my only reason for watching. You are about to lose me as a viewer. Do something.

Yours sincerely,
Aphrodite

P.S. This part is an open letter to everyone in general. If you are one of those fuckers who is all "Roger Federer is boooring! I am so sick of him being number 1. Nadal all the way!" I say this: Yes, Nadal is great, funny, enjoyable to watch and a perfect #2. But Federer is The Greatest. What has become 'boring' to you is simply how amazing he is. He makes RIDICULOUS, AWESOME shots look effortless. But make no mistake, he is brilliant, and indeed, the best.

Feast your eyes and marvel in awe (N.B. This is shithouse quality but it is the only video of this that I could embed. Go here for a much better version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVSXAXevWro&feature=related)



And some of his best shots ever (be warned, it's hard to look away. He does shockingly incredible things while looking totally at ease and in control):



I love him.

dress porn

I know I talk a lot about shoes and jewelery but I do also have other interests. Like dresses. I am always on the hunt for another perfect dress and if I had the $$$ and the ass for these, I would be a happy lady. Enjoy mes amies x

Digital Prints

I have mentioned before that I don't like to wear colour. The most vibrant my outfits get extends to a fluro orange nail or a purple pair of Miu Miu platforms. I.e. accessories. I will make the choice to go bold with accessories as I need them to liven up my monochromatic wardrobe. However, lately I have been swept away by the digital print trend. It started with Marios Schwab last year and my obsession has only intensified. My faves:


Alexander McQueen


Again, Alexander McQueen (miss you, love you)


Willow. Is this even digital print? Do I even care? Looks stunning.


Erdem


Helmut Lang


More Helmut Lang (I would have chosen different shoes though. Probably a black Burberry platform or DVF wedges)


Josh Goot


McQ


Peter Pilotto


More Peter Pilotto. I die.

As you can see, digital prints are the perfect choice of colour for those you are chromatically-challenged. I tend to wear a lot of black, I like the way it flatters the body, I like its edginess, I like its timelessness. But fuck me, digital prints are so tough and hot and kind of explosive, I am totally converted.

3.1 Phillip Lim

I have a love affair with Phillip Lim dresses. They are perfect party dresses, but they are also incredibly versatile. And pretty. Would very much like to purchase each and every one of these from net-a-porter right now.






This is toootally a Sienna Miller dress, am I right? Although she may have already had a gold sequin moment. Ok, I'm pretty sure she has. But I would forgive her for having another.


Sigh. The perfect white lace dress. Love love love. In an English rose, sun-dappled courtyard, picnic-on-the-grass with Ryan Gosling kinda way.


I know this dress looks entirely ordinary. However I love it. It is pretty, yes, but you can also wear it a hundred different ways. With a pair of heels for a cocktail party. With flats for a day of shopping (in New York, obviously, not Sydney). With tights and boots on a pub crawl/trashy club trail. At a red-carpet premiere. With a black leather bomber jacket for the model-off-duty look. With a tuxedo jacket for the Gwyneth Paltrow "look at my amazing legs, did you forget I was hot?" look. Read: ANYWHERE.

Cannes

It's warm on the other side of the world and while looking at pretty dresses last night, a painful desire to be on the French Riviera with Ryan Gosling overcame me. This is what I would wear if we were dating and I went with him to Cannes last week and it was hot and beautiful and I was hot and beautiful (duh, coz I would be banging Ryan G).


I don't even LIKE Missoni usually but I could soooo wear this while sight-seeing around France.


Marc Jacobs presents: The Perfect White Summer Dress!


Vivienne Westwood


Vivienne Westwood


Oh and let's not forget some fancy McQueen for when Ryan takes me out to fancy French dinners.

LBD

We all have one. We are all always searching for a possible replacement in case our current fave lbd turns to threads and falls apart due to constant wear-and-tear. So here are some viable options.


Preen


Miu Miu


Alexander Wang

With each of these, you could throw on a leather biker jacket, a tuxedo jacket, a sequined blazer, a winter cape, tights, etc. They are perfect.

Alas, Escape Time is over. Now I return to my thesis, waiting for Mr. Computer Man to come and fix my computer, getting back out of pjs and going grocery shopping. It was nice while it lasted.

Another Runaway

It's official. I have converted. I am a part of team K-Stew.

I have oscillated wildly between my feelings for one Miss Kristen Stewart from scathing hatred to 'ooh she's a bit hot and subversive of bimbo Hollywood stereotypes'. But now I simply adore her. Yes, she seems like an angsty teen. Yes, she looks a bit stoned in many pictures. Yes, she seems awkward in a lot of her interviews.

However I truly believe she is just shy and totally self-reflexive. If you've seen the Oprah interview, you know what I mean. She attempts to verbalise the trouble she has verbalising what she wants to stay, and you can see her visibly struggling to get the best words out so she is not msirepresented and it is kind of endearing.

Also, I have never been able to hate someone that good-looking. It's not in my nature.

Anyway, speaking of K-Stew, I reeeally really want to see "The Runaways" (her upcoming film with Dakota Fanning, playing Joan Jett and Cherie Curry, respectively). It looks super fabulously good. The kiss scene alone has sold me on how rad it will be. Take a gander for yourself:



Also, the chemistry between them in real life is so sweet. I believe this comfort may positively influence Kristen's acting in "The Runaways". She doesn't seem so stoic and worried (at least judging from the trailer - see below)


The trailer:


Can you belieeeeve Dakota Fanning is 16? She's amazing.

As is my homegirl Kristen. I indulge in daydreams which consist of her coming to study at Sydney Uni (shut up she has expressed a desire to do so in interviews - she wants to come here because her mum is Australian and study English Literature at Usyd WHICH IS WHAT I DID) and she asks me for directions, and I keep my cool and suppress the Twi-Hard and we become bffs and she wants a roommate so I get to live with her in a cool house for free and R-Pattz comes to visit all the time. I haven't really thought about it that much.

Celeb couples I want to get together

I must admit, I quite enjoyed compiling this post. There may some that doubt my choices of fantasy celebrity couples, and I will admit, yes, some couplings do seem questionable. However, make no mistake - I researched the shit out of this. Each couple has had a lot of thought and reasoning behind it. Isn't it amazing how much effort I put into a blog when I have a pressing essay that I need to write by Monday? I know, I'm a good person. I am thinking of many of you struggling through work on this fine Friday, longing for the weekend, and praying for some fluff celebrity blog to tide you over.

I am here to serve you. Not my own self interest, no.

So here we goooo! My pick of possible celebrity couples who I want to see get together. Enjoy.

Colby and Amanda (from Survivor)


Who? COLBYYY! My fave Survivor bf! Me and Colby go wayyyy back. All the way back to his first season of Survivor (in the Australian Outback) when he was ROBBED of his $1 million by stupid Tina who was so stupid she never did anything just stupidly rode on Colby's coattails and was so stupid and was stupid in all the challenges and is now still stupid. But COLBY is awesome and after seeing how gorgeous Amanda is alongside him in the current season of Survivor (Heroes v Villains - they are both heroes, duh) I think they should get married and have beautiful Survivor babies. Yes. Oh and then their babies plus Rob and Amber's babies can be THE NEW GENERATION OF SURVIVORS. WOO!

Zac Efron and Emma Stone


YO HEAR ME OUT. Before you even think of dissing Zefron, have you seen "17 Again"? If the answer is no, then shut up until you do. He will change your mind. Just how he changed mine. And now I love him. However I do not love Vanessa Hudgens. She is shit, and boring, and dumb, and shit. Emma Stone on the other hand, is divine (see: Superbad, The House Bunny). Her voice alone makes me weak. I think she is the perfect partner to Zac and will give him the bit of cred he needs for more people to accept him as cool. Because he is. He is funny and he is sweet and can rock a leather jacket and skinny tie like nobody else. I don't even need to tell you how great Emma is, just see the trailer I attached at the bottom for one of her new movies coming out this year, "Easy A". These two would be the perfect young hot Hollywood couple whose eyes you DON'T want to scratch out.

Anne Hathaway and Josh Hartnett


She is blah and she keeps going out with retard criminals. What is wrong with her? She is Hollywood A-list. Sure, she's not the hottest actress in Hollywood but she has cred, recognition, her pick of movies, and therefore men. Josh has a considerably lower profile in 2010 then in 2005 but who cares? I just have a feeling about these two. I think it can work. Can't you see it? But if it can't be Annie I can see him with Kiki:


Did they already date? I can't remember. I don't think they did, but I could be wrong. N.B. I'm not often wrong with celebrity history, but it COULD happen. I guess.

Jason Segel and Kristen Wiig


I am just imagining these two together and trying not to die laughing. Have you seen the deleted scene from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" where she is the yoga instructor? Genius. So much lulz. These two could be the next Will Arnett and Amy Poehler. But better. Because Kristen was in "Whip It" and therefore rules more. Also, Jason > Will (who I only like in "Arrested Development").

Ellen Page and Michael Cera


Need I say more? Like, really. If E-Page ain't a lesbian, then the only man I can picture her with is Michael Cera. So cute.

Sara Kiersten Quin (of Tegan and Sara) and Rihanna


Hehehe. Sara is in love with Rihanna (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jpem2tlBdE) and I think Rihanna would toootally dig Sara. And apart from anything else, I simply cannot imagine a hotter couple in the whole wide world. I have quivers.

Chace Crawford and Ed Westwick






These two get more than one picture because, I mean, just look at them. Also, I felt like you guys wouldn't believe the deep deep love that these two already share without hardcore evidence. So there it is. Look at the body language alone - legs crossed towards each other...that's an unequivocal sex invite. Plus, they lived together for years. I want them to know that society supports their love and can they just be open about it now so we can have more pictures to assist our fantasies please.

Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio




She is newly divorced and he is dating a swimsuit model who is so blah that I forget what her face looks like as soon I've seen a picture of her. BLAH. He is so obviously biding his time, waiting for the right moment for his and Kate's souls to be finally bound together. And the picture of them with the kids...I don't even know whose kids those are (hers?) but are they not the picture-perfect loving family? They are.

Sandra Bullock and George Clooney


I have mentioned before how deeply I despise George's current gf Elisabetta Canalis or whatever. She is GROSS-looking, bitch-facey, and I don't like him with her. He was mean and not like himself at the most recent Oscars. Grr. And obviously we all know what Sandy B's been through recently. I started thinking of these two together before I even saw this photograph of them together. But it encapsulates how I feel about them: very, very funny people both with an amazing sense of humour, gorgeous, intelligent and in my opinion, they are equals. Potential Hollywood Royalty.

McJakey!


Again, in my Oscars post I mentioned that these two should get together. He is the only appropriate substitute for her since she's not with Ryan Gosling anymore. Intelligent, cool, laidback, funny, and totally banging. These two have it goin' ON. PLUS they have chemistry. All perfect ingredients for a fulfilling, beautiful relationship.

Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams






These two have recently made the movie "Blue Valentine" together. Apparently they had some intense chemistry. Ahem. Now, since Ryan hasn't fallen in love with me yet, I am happy for him to get involved with Michelle Williams. Go and watch any interview of them together and you too will see the magic. I know they have been friends since foreverz apparently, but previous friendship can set a solid foundation for a blissful relationship. Just sayin'.

Drew Barrymore and Fabrizio Moretti


I KNOW THEY ALREADY DATED. But I forgot to put them in my "celeb couples I want to get back together" post, so here they are. This was my favourite Drew. This was Drew at her best. Adorable, funny, indie cool Drew. Get it back together folks pleeeeaaase!

And as promised, the hilarious trailer(s) of Emma Stone's upcoming film, "Easy A" (I included the full trailer as well because it shows how awesome the movie will be, as well as how awesome Emma is):




You're welcome.

a solid understanding of Judith Butler

"What is at stake is less a theory of cultural construction then a consideration of the scenography and topography of construction. This scenography is orchestrated by and as a matrix of power that remains disarticulated if we presume constructedness and materiality as necessarily oppositional notions."

WHAT. THE. FUCK. I AM SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND THIS. SHE (JUDITH BUTLER, AKA THE DEVIL) GOES ON LIKE THIS FOR PAGES AND PAGES AND PAGES.

To give you an idea of how fucked MY brain feels, even spellcheck in blogspot does not recognise three words contained in the statement above. BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT REAL. Butler is fucking with my brain. Tonight, the only homework I set for myself was to read the Butler articles that I struggled through on Sunday because I was too tired to understand. Well, I thought it was because I was too tired. I know now that it is because she is a mental.

Seriously, I have another quote:
"I want to ask how and why "materiality" has become a sign of irreducibility, that is, how is it the materiality of sex is understood as that which only bears cultural constructions and, therefore, cannot be a construction? What is the status of this exclusion? Is materiality a site or surface that is excluded from the process of construction, as that through which and on which construction works?"

AND I WANT TO ASK YOU WHAT THE HELL YOU MEAN. Honestly, both of those quotes are only from one page of "Bodies that Matter", imagine what the whole reading is like.

Sob. I wish somebody else was the most important theorist of performativity instead of ole Judith here. You know, someone who wrote a little more in my realm of comprehension. I mean, I'm sure Judith Butler is a genius (she obviously thinks she is very clever, judging by her alarming use of big words) but it is too hard for my simple little brain.

Gill Valentine, on the other hand, is my homegirl.

P.S. Above quotes taken from the text I am supposed to be taking notes on right now, Judith Butler's "Bodies that matter: on the discursive limits of sex", Routledge, 1993. In case you wanted some light reading.

Celeb couples I NEVER want to break up [or my world will end]

Why yes, I am obsessing a lot over celebrity couples lately. Well, it would seem like more than usual but really I am just posting about it here more. I am always obsessing about celebrities. The next celeb couples help give my life meaning. If any of these couples were to separate I would have to question everything I thought was real and pure and good and RIGHT in the world.

It almost pains me to write this post because I don't want to jinx these couples. I am lit-er-ally biting my lip. Phew.

PLEASE UNIVERSE DO NOT USE THIS AGAINST ME I JUST WANT EVERYBODY TO BE HAPPY AND IN LOVE! I AM PERPETUATING LOVE! I AM BEING NICE! THAT IS RARE! JUST GO WITH IT, OK UNIVERSE?

icouldnotbearthedissolutionoftheserelationshipsiamtooinvested

Bennifer (Jennifer Garner + Ben Affleck)


I don't necessarily love these two individually, but I like them as a couple. I like who he seems to be with her, I like her more in a relationship with him, and I think their daughters are ridiculously, mindbogglingly adorable. These two must always be together! Even simply for the sake of the kids! Violet must never stop grinning!



Jay Z and Beyonce


I mean, duh. Obviously these two are 1000% perfect for each other. They are a perfect match. King and Queen of the Pop world. Nobody else is as good for each of them as they are for each other. I have heard people mention that he is not good looking enough for her. But he is amazing enough for her. He is powerful, talented, loaded, intelligent - i.e. of equal status as her. Beyonce can't be with some hot pretty boy with no substance or power. And as my dear friend Huna so wisely pointed out - their child will obviously be the President of the United States one day. (P.S. Look at them performing at Coachella together. Awww. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNlfIrpneTs)

David Beckham and Victoria Beckham


I have been 100% behind this couple since like, their second date. So so into them. So gorgeous, so funny, so in love - we have a very strong couple here. This is a couple who has survived infidelity allegations (get back in your corner Rebecca Loos you skanky whore); moves around the world for husband David's career; rejection before subsequent acceptance in the U.S.A.; and a new business venture (Victoria's fashion label) - AND THEY ARE STILL TOGETHER AND HAPPY. I have no doubt there is a lot of love between them. They are complementary. VB is the brains behind the VB empire and David is the pretty talent. It works. It's a good combo. I LOVE them. Also, she is very funny and I feel she is overlooked too much. Open up your hearts guys and let her in, the world is a better place with VB.

Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi


Again, my passion for these two is not necessarily because I am so into the individuals themselves. I like Ellen and Portia because they are totally sweet and in love, yes, but also because they are an important prominent couple in America. Ellen's show is incredibly far-reaching and she has been incredibly successful. Middle America (aka the Minivan Majority) has accepted her and her wife. I believe this is a milestone for gay rights. Ellen and Portia demonstrate that queers are not insane perverts who are going to be the downfall of society - they are just like you. Only a little bit cooler.

Freddie Prince Jr and Sarah Michelle Gellar


WOAH can you say 'random' much? These two are extremely important for 90s me. If these two break up 90s me will be heartbroken. I grew up with these two. Also, congrats on the birth of their daughter Charlotte this year. I bet she's a cutie.

Heidi Klum and Seal


Ahh Heidi and Seal. Heal. Seidi. Hmm I guess their names are incompatible for a lame-cute celebrity moniker, but they themselves seem to be hugely compatible. Without Heidi and Seal parading in front of us from the pages of glossy magazines and the interview couches of Oprah, giving us just that little bit too much detail regarding their sex lives, the world would be a bleaker place. Truefax.

Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher


They made a very cute baby together. There is another future very cute baby on the way. Cute families should stay together. Funny families should stay together. Everything about these two works for me. So much sweet love. Also, I will never tire of seeing photos of them standing next to each other - Gigantor Borat (always in my mind) and almost-midget redhead. What's not to love?

Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis


Ok re: Vanessa, I'll be honest - I never really felt it. But Vanessa with JOHNNY is a different story. I feel like these two could only be as amazing as they are with each other. He credits Vanessa and his kiddies for saving his life and as an observant outsider, I would have to agree. His career is better than ever, his health is better (drugs are bad for you fyi), and seeing a hot guy as a dad is a very highly rated girl's fantasy. Love the intensity of their love.

Princess Mary and Prince Frederick of Denmark (or whatever their official titles are)


Um. A gorgeous, intelligent, charming Australian royal and a gorgeous, intelligent, charming Prince. Need I say any fucking more? Apart from, obviously, THEIR BABIES ARE SO SO SO CUTE.



Nicole Richie and Joel Madden


WOULD YOU JUST LOOK AT THEIR DAUGHTER HARLOW? DO I EVEN NEED TO GO ANY FURTHER? THEIR GENES ARE OBVIOUSLY PERFECT FOR REPRODUCING AND CREATING A GORGEOUS NEW GENERATION. Also, I looooooove who she has become since being with him and having a baby. It is so obvious that Harlow changed Nicole Richie's life. From a drunk-driving, possibly drug-taking mess,we now have a gorgeous, healthy, intelligent, philanthropic Nicole Richie. The world is a better place.

ROBERT DOWNEY JUNIOR AND SUSAN DOWNEY. AKA THE RADDEST FUCKING COUPLE ALIVE.


There are no words to describe how MINDBLOWINGLY awesome these two are, or my extremely intense love for the two of them. They are my favourite celeb couple. First of all, RDJ alone is like, one of my favourite celebs of all time. To see him being all gorgeous and in love with his wife is the icing on the motherfucking cake. And it is so obvious that she must be as rad as he is. Like, we all know RDJ would not be with some lame flake who isn't intelligent, funny, and able to have a good time. All we have to do is look at every picture of them together and we can gain a small insight into just how awesomely amazing their life is together. Robert and Susan I am so glad you found each other. You've enriched each others' lives as much as you've enriched my fantasy life. I bet we would all be great friends.













P.S. This post is for Alex. So enthusiastic, full of praise and good for my ego, that I had to write again a-sap x