a little insight perhaps

Tonight I got something I have been wanting for a very long time. I received Tegan and Sara's new album 'Sainthood', and the three books that accompany it. I expected this package at least 8 days after this day. This made me happy. Opening the package made me happy. Quickly flicking through the pages of each book made me happy. Seeing documentation of the Sydney show I attended made me happy.

For those of you who know me personally, I am a histrionic, slightly dramatic, obsessive personality. I know this. And I know often it seems (and is) superficial and slightly exaggerated. But there are times, usually at concerts, when I feel the full extent of my obsession; and I won't lie, it feels amazing.

Tonight I listened to 'Sainthood' through for the first time lying on my bed in a t-shirt and knee-high socks. For the songs I didn't know, I lay back and closed my eyes and listened to them from start to finish. For the six I knew (that I did not download - I watched live performances of them on youtube) I finally got to scream along to them with the right lyrics. They sounded much better than their slightly inferior youtube recordings. I also realised, about halfway through the first listen, that this was the first time EVER that I had listened to a Tegan and Sara album for the first time after purchasing a newly released cd.

I downloaded their first four albums in 2004 when someone told me they were great. They were. I downloaded a leaked copy of 'The Con' before I bought it, justifying it by telling myself I wanted to know the songs beforehand, so I would enjoy it more when I had the cd. I actually abstained from streaming 'Sainthood' and I'm so glad I did. I also became quite emotional tonight. I don't actually know why, but reading through the first book and listening to the album made me cry. Sara is pretty, they are funny, and endearingly sweet in print as well as in person. Again, I don't know why this made me cry.

Unfortunately, the last two books are going to have to wait. I have a research proposal to write. I hate myself for it, but I have left the books on my bed for another time. I just would not enjoy them while anxiously thinking of this proposal in the back of my mind. So I have something to look forward to - for the first time in a while, truly.

As a final note, last week I read 'Juliet, Naked' by Nick Hornby. It is not a porno. It is not even dirty at all. It is about a middle-aged man who has been obsessed with a reclusive rocker for over fifteen years. It is probably an enjoyable, interesting book for whoever reads it. But I believe that unless you too are an obsessive, perhaps you will not be able to truly appreciate the depth and meaning of this book. This is going to be super crazy long, but I want to leave you with a quote from the book. Again, it is long. It is not necessarily my feelings pertaining to Tegan and Sara. But it sums up one of the many factors of obsession that I experience.

Duncan to his hero, the reclusive Tucker Crowe:
"well, you asked us to listen. And some of listened a little too hard... I'm not the only person who thinks you're a genius. And while you might think we're...we're inadequate as people, we're not necessarily the worst judges in the world. We read, and watch movies, and think... I still haven't peeled it all away, I don't think, even after all this time. I don't pretend to understand what those songs mean to you, but it's the forms of expressions you chose, the allusions, the musical references. That's what makes it art. To my mind. And...sorry, sorry, one last thing. I don't think people with talent necessarily value it, because it all comes so easily to them, and we never value things that come easy to us. But I value what you did on that album more highly than anything else I've heard. So thank you."