I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can underwhelmed, but can you ever just be 'whelmed'?

I think you can in Europe.

So I'm choosing to be today, because I'm totally European, duh.

AS PER USUAL we had an abundance of beige 'meh' FAILURES on the red carpet today. It made me upset and I craved some colour or something dramatic to break it up (look I know it's a bit rich coming from me, but I didn't get dressed today to entertain millions of people, I got dressed to watch the Oscars). I missed Zoe Saldana actually, she never disappoints.

All in all, 2014 was pretty average on the fashion front. Let's do this.

UGH. Probably her worst offering in…like…a long fucking time. Was really glad not to actually have her on the red carpet asking inane questions this year though like 'How did you get ready today?' which she asked JLaw last year, to which she replied 'What do you mean?…I showered…and then I got my hair and makeup done…and then I put this on.' So. At least we were spared that. But it honestly looked like Giuliana had white concealer on her lips. It was horrifying. I bet this is Marchesa too. I just looked it up (professionalism!) and it's just a nothing designer. So it may as well be Marchesa.

I can't lie, I expect nothing from Jennifer Garner. But I'll always be optimistic, just in case. Eh, at least it's pretty gorgeous from the neck up and she's not wearing a dinosaur tail like last year - improvement!

HAH. I don't care if this is Chanel, Jessica Biel is the wooooorst and this is the worst. How do these people look in the mirror and not even acknowledge they could use some colour on their faces?! She is literally the same shade from top to toe, other than her hair.

Sidenote: I KNOW THIS IS ALL VERY SAME-Y. STAY WITH ME. YOUR EYES MAY BE GLAZING OVER, BUT WE CAN GET THROUGH IT TOGETHER.

Another opposite-of-favourite (read: I hate her), Kristen Bell is dressed in an ill-fitting disaster. Props for losing baby weight, blah blah, it's ugly and I want to shake her weird wispy hair out. It looks plastered to her head, and very prom-ish. And just to clarify my very harsh, unbiased feelings on K-Bell - I love Veronica Mars but this real-life person is married to Dax Shephard. 'Nuff said. There's other stuff too but I feel like that is a pretty significant indicator.

Awe. Pene you are better than this. Also, where is Javier?!?! Still, she is so very, very beautiful that I can forgive her for this boring thing. At least it's not feathered and mermaid-taily. Bright sides! I can see them!

Sally Hawkins…I just…I can't...this makes me so sad :(

Unfortunately, this is the best photo I could find of Sarah Paulson at this early stage. Love her, but this was honestly the same from her shoes to her face. She is better than this. And also better as a blonde. But I really like her haircut so that's a good thing! Straws, I am grasping at them.

Okay WE MADE IT! There are more posts coming but I had to get these basic bitches out of the way first so SORRY if you have melted into a puddle of boredom already, but it's over now.