Monday, January 13, 2014

People who had me wanting to punch myself in the face with rage

But before we get down to the dirty glossy gown gossip - Merry Awards Show Season! May we have an abundantly fruitful buffet of Gossip and boozy acceptance speeches in 2014!

It's definitely my favourite time of year so please join me in dissecting every single second. And my, wasn't there a lot of shit on the red carpet this year? Seriously, on top of the vile trash gowns, the red carpet this morning was literally covered in sewage. Like, actual shit. Which means that all your favourites had to wade through faeces as they made their way inside the venue.

Stars, they're just like us.

Anyway onto the show! Below you will find what I thought were the worst offerings on display today and why I felt this way. Or I will present the picture without comment, with a deluge of vitriolic slander  or simply some heinous swearing. And you will just have to accept this. Sidenote: this is the most colour we have seen from a red carpet in a while though! My powers, they're working.

Amber Heard has old lady hair and thinks she is worthy of being at the Globes because she is banging Johnny Depp. But Johnny Depp is a joke now and has dumb hair and ditched the mother of his children to be with this one. Kate Moss, Winona Ryder, Vanessa Paradis, Amber of these things is not like the others. Also did I mention that her hair is super ugly and the satin of this dress was super heavy and vile? 

I always hope for so much more from Amy Adams. Genuinely adore her, but I'm sure most girls from my generation remember styling their own hair like this back in the day. For school photos. Or just, like, a Thursday. Also the super long necklace, shades of red, odd fit, and the lack of makeup did nothing to enhance lovely Amy's beauty.

Ugh. We get it Drew Barrymore you are pregnant and experiencing the miracle of life. Nobody in the history of the world has ever been pregnant before you (other than Natalie Portman obviously). Hate when cool people get lame and try and shove motherhood down the throats of the mommy majority. Also pink and red flowers. Blegh.

Not that I expected more from Giuliana Rancic, but the consistency of her shit choices somehow continues to surprise me. What even is this. On TV it looked like a poo-red colour. It is a boring ballgown. AND it looked like she had foundation over her lips - I hate this. A subtle pink gloss would have done wonders.

It may be Tom Ford but Hayden Panettiere did not pull this off. Hate this neckline on her and I hate her hair. But I guess props for trying?

I can't even...

JULIE BOWEN WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT TAFFETA BEFORE. IT SHOULD NEVER BE SEEN LET ALONE WORN. Also purple + red? Is it Valentine's Day? Hate the old timey hair too. But I will give her points for great makeup. She often fucks this up but she did look gorgeous today.

Haha. Hahahahahaha. Kaley Cuoco probs thought she would still be fake-dating Superman at this point, and it all went tits up (due to being a blatantly, awkwardly obvious PR stunt). And now the shit from the red carpet is leaching into her dress and working its way up. Hahaha.

I guess this is sort of an improvement for Kelly Osbourne but this is just a mediocre re-tread of a dress that has been done to death. Also her hair is still purplegrey and those shoes are gross. No points.

WHY WITH THE TAFFETA? AND THE YELLOW! I just...what? It is clearly ill-fitting, and therefore unflattering, the colour is obscene and this face Lena Dunham was making all day was ridiculous. This dress actually makes me mad. I quit this bitch. (Jokes! New season of Girls tonight which is actually very exciting)

See what happens when you start banging Ashton Kutcher? His grossness seeps into your pores and your skin turns to shit and your style flies out the window. This could have been saved because the top is quite good, but overall it's just a big old mess. I had high hopes for you Mila Kunis, but you've been infected by something nasty and it shows.

I don't know why Paula Patton is ever at these things but she needs to sit the fuck down. Also those dirty ruffles on her shoulder made me laugh. This ain't about you lady so take your filthy sheets and hide under them with your gross husband.

I'm not biased with regards to Reese Witherspoon. Like, I hate her, and I think her tirade when she got arrested last year was perfectly indicative of the bitch I believe her to be, but I don't like putting her on all my 'Worst' lists lately. I used to love Reese's red carpet steeze. Those days seem to truly be gone now though. Insert sadface here. I'll remember you always, vintage black beaded Valentino...

This one hurts. I love, love, love Taylor Schilling in 'Orange is the New Black' but this is awful. The worst part was how baggy the front section was whenever she moved. Horrifically unflattering ( is this possible, with that body?) and the styling was just as bad. 

Fucking taffeta. You know how I feel about this material (see above). Then again, I feel similarly about Taylor Swift (should never be seen on a red carpet, rigid, stiff, unpleasant to have around, etc.) so maybe they're a match made in heaven. Taffeta and Taylor Swift deserve each other. 

Genuinely do not understand how someone as beautiful as Zooey Deschanel can look so awful. I've really come around to Zooey since watching 'New Girl' so I do want the best for her...but this is not it. Oh, also: nail art can die now, yes?

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