Oh hai. I have lost my mind. I have lost my sanity, my rationality, and my sense of self. I have had a RIDICULOUS day (keep reading) and quite frankly it scares me to think that I have to continue facing the world while I am in such a state of disarray. I could die, I have been acting so stupid.
First of all, yesterday I really nearly did die. For any of you who follow me on twitter (@aphrokap) you know how my clumsiness almost resulted in a fatal accident. After almost breaking my neck (twisted it funny while almost falling off the COMPLETELY STATIONARY chair) I began choking. Alone. In a room. Bashing myself up against the wall/chair/desk/whatever I could find. Once I recovered from this horrifying ordeal I quickly escaped the room hoping to reach solace in the presence of my parents (who could hit me on the back if I choked again) - except I almost fell down the stairs in the process.
I assumed today would be better. I was wrong.
After completing my 7-9am shift at work, I jumped on a bus to go to uni, my second stop of the day (to be followed by a trip to the city). However when I returned my pre-paid bus ticket to my wallet, I discovered, to my horror, that it was empty. No driver's licence (on my Ls shut up), no KEY CARD, no money apart from $3.80. I.e. nothing. Nada. Zilch. PRETTY MUCH NAKED AND HELPLESS.
I agonised about my situation all through the 25-minute bus ride to uni. Once at uni I legged it to the bank (which had MOVED from it's previous location, confusing the fuck out of me even further). The man who worked at the bank was, I think, my angel. He was ridiculously lovely and did not even laugh at me (he did judge me though. He repeatedly asked "wait - so you left the house with nothing? Nothing at all in your wallet? Not even your atm card? How does that even happen?"). I did not even know my account number so he just let me provide my client number and some personal deets. And then we laughed and chatted for a bit while I tried not to snatch the cash out of his hand and run away. Commonwealth Bank employee at Sydney Uni - I love you.
Did I mention that I had also run out of credit? Yep. I couldn't even text my mum to get her to help me. So, with crisp bills in my hand I went and bought credit and gum. The next part of the story is UTTER stupidity. After I put my gum in my bag I guess I forgot that I had also bought credit. So I mistook the piece of paper I was holding as a mere receipt. So I threw it out. In the bin. The trash. Into a public garbage bin. And then I kept walking for about 500m before I realised what I had done. I ALMOST kept walking, too embarrassed to go back. But that would be like THROWING TEN DOLLARS AWAY.
I anxiously pondered my options. Go back to the newsagent and ask her to print out another voucher? Yeah right. A) bitch was naaasty and B) I don't think you can do that. Instead, I went back to the bin. I peered inside it. I rejoiced over the fact that it was Monday and the bins were relatively empty of shit. I looked around for any observers. And then I reached my hand INSIDE the bin and pulled out the wadded paper I could see at the bottom - my credit voucher. And then I gagged and tried not to vomit.
FOLLOWING THAT MESS THAT IS MY LIFE, I met my honours supervisor to pick something up. Except as she is RAD she also let me rant a lot and we bitched about the new SATC movie. It was fun. She is the best. THANKS LB!
Finally, I made my way into the city to enjoy a little retail therapy. HOWEVER, THIS TOO WAS ALSO A F.A.I.L. I exchanged the vomit green nail polish my mum bought for me for a (seemingly) lovely mint green + purchased a powder blue colour also. I just tried both of these and they look disgusting. Pastels are a nice idea but they do not work. I hate when I follow a trend and it is shit. Argh. I am now going to try and exchange these as well. As if I will succeed. Oh well. And I actually wanted these colours for soooo long. Sad. I did get a Chelsea Handler book though! FINALLY. Do you know how hard it is to track down her books? I had to search in 4 different bookstores and in about 100 different sections (biography, humour, relationships, sex, etc. FFS). I know she is worth it though.
Oh and then when I thought I had a green light at some traffic lights I crossed the road and almost died because they were green for people going the other way. I only noticed when I was on the other side and everyone was honking at me.
FOR FUCK'S SAKE JUST LET IT ENDDDDDDD
P.S. I didn't have anything in my wallet because I had switched to a teeny bag on Saturday night and put my cards in there as wallet did not fit. Obviously.