Tuesday, May 3, 2016

More Bloody Machina


Ok now that we've got THAT out of the way, and you can see sort of the tone this is going to take may I just say, sheeeeeit it has been a while since we've talked awards season fashun. Not entirely sure what happened to me between October-Right Now, but fair to say the time has come again. I'm ready.

The theme was "Manus x Machina: Fashion in the Age of Technology"…which as I mentioned apparently translates to a lot of white and silver. I just want it known that the Boobs Legslys and the Mindy Kalings and the Kate Hudsons and the Amber Heards of the world will not be featured here today. Because such giant epic failures of thematic disappointment have yet to exist until now (evidently I've lived a charmed life). So. Hope we are on the same page here.

Things That Made Me Go "Ugh, no...oh…maybe…yeah...it's good!"...As in, I've been thinking about it all day and looked at the angles and ok maybe I was wrong the first time and I will HAPPILY ADMIT IT.

THESE ARE PANTS. Who knew? This was also like entirely made out of plastic bottles or something. I ended up loving it. I am always biased for Emma.

Yes, this did look like another boring white + flash of silver ensemble initially but then I saw it on screen and the armour-like quality of the 'belt' dazzled me. It's so much more than a belt. She looks like the bloody queen of dragons.

This looks incredibly boring and goes against every nature of my being to include such a 'ball gown' in this column but…the birds lit up with her twitter mentions! THE BIRDS. TWITTER. 

God this is good. She is the only Kardashian I am featuring here because it was the only look I could stomach today. She looks perfectly modern and fresh and futuristic AND she got to feature her amazing body with those cutouts. Everyone wins.

Just, Nope.

Yes, yes, yes, it lights up. I get it. But it did not even light up on the red carpet. It was just yet another ill-fitting, pastel, taffeta Zac Posen ball gown number and I just can't accept that. I never will. Technology fail.

What. The theme…I just…nope. And you are so much better than this Chastain.

Nah but for real the China: Through The Looking Glass theme was last year. Did she miss the memo?

Of ALL the things Kristen Stewart could have worn for a theme that is so perfectly well suited to her, she chose this. A re-tread of a look she has already done better.

This was also assless. And the bandages look like they are cutting into her. Anyway. Just leaving this here.

Oooooh Nicki. Whyyyy? It's not even just whacky in a fun cracked out way it's just bad.

Purely here for underwhelming me. One of my all time faves despite it all, I expect so much more from Sienna. Like a star pupil who fails even with a solid B+.

Doesn't hurt as much as this one though. From an annual highlight who brings such lewks as thisthis, and this I don't even know where this casual little Sunday pantsuit came from. It's like when Carrie wore the fugly ass fugly skirt suit to her own damn wedding. Crushing disappointment and the knowledge that nothing is right in the world.

HAHAHA Little J is right alright. This one here looks like a deranged ballerina who is desperately trying to live up to her bleached blonde hair. And failing miserably. How DARE she co-chair alongside my boy Idris.

She's a…peacock…at an event revolving around technology. I think I missed the link here. Maybe they are recycled bottle caps or something.


My girl FKA Twigs can do no wrong and I think she looks like a stunning modern warrior woman. I'm into it. And R-Pattz has never been more attractive than when he is standing next to her. GET MARRIED ALREADY!

Hot. Mess. And yet...I am here for it. All of it. #nailedit

Idris Elba. In Tom Ford. Smizing at me. My heart is lit-er-ally a-flutter.

I want these boots *insert whinging emotional emoji distressed face*

I mean. Obviously. Queen Lupita continues to Queen all over us and I am basking in the glory.

No but really, I want these boots. I miss Michelle Williams so much throughout the year that I genuinely get excited to see her at the Met. I think she killed this look in the way only she could. Unless, like, Tavi.

There have never been cooler siblings ever and I accept I will never be worthy. Look at them! The attitude seeps out from the screen and I feel blessed just taking it all in.

Honestly, nothing groundbreaking really, but fucking hell they are a gorgeous couple. He also has robot arms, which I applaud. One of the more interesting male ensembles of the evening. Also Gigi omg you're so pretty. Love you.

Not to jinx it but I can't imagine a world where Zendaya will ever be on any other list than a "YAS, SLAY, YAS" list. I am so deeply into her, I need to chill.


Phew. Obviously Lemonade took over my life since the moment my Queen Bey dropped it and just when I thought she wasn't coming to the Met this year because of her tour, she goes and does this to me. And then Solange was Lemonade. I literally cannot. How can one make latex such an impressive silhouette and so perfectly crafted to a person's physique? And how does she legit look so flawless in it? I don't know. But there she goes, so reckless in her Givenchy dress, as I pick my damn self off the floor. I bet those two had the best time at the party.

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