Emmys 2014

I'm not gonna lie - I barely heard any of the Emmys itself today. I was at work (shocking, I know, I actually do it sometimes) and missed most of the show, so for once I will keep my opinions to myself and not try and pretend I know what the highlights were.

Just insert something witty and pithy here and marvel at my well-researched entertainment blog. Go ahead, I'll wait.

I DO however have opinions on the winners/losers/FASHUN. Well actually regarding the first two categories, I basically just disagree with almost every single award and it makes me a little ragey to think about it again. Pretty much the only one I cheered for was Julia Louis Dreyfus for Veep, and even then I was quietly hoping for Leslie Knope Poehler.

Whatever.

Tatiana Maslany wasn't even nominated, Downton Abbey was, The Big Bang Theory and Modern Family still won stuff and it was glaringly evident that the Emmys are still living in about three years ago. So I guess we just wait for them to catch up and look at the dresses. Are you even still reading this?

It was tough, but I narrowed it down to the worst/best 10.

Worst
In no particular order, these dresses all made me mad. Eugh.

I'm never really into Alison Williams and this is no exception. Way too much Try. And still boring. Go home, Marnie.

Just…a total hot mess. The print, the cut, the hair, the belly cupping, cannot get down with any of it. Amanda Peet I never thought you'd make me mad. But here we are.

RED. TAFFETA. I CAN'T.

Ugh, again with the belly cupping. Can we all agree this is just gross? I can see you're pregnant, I get it, you'll get a few extra shots in Us Weekly for being with child, you don't have to cup the damn belly. 

OMG. This is actually horrendous. As annoying as she is, Kaley Cuoco is cute and blonde and it shouldn't be this hard to make her look good. I don't even know.

Hahaha. Hahahahahaha. Totally apt for Kathine Heigl. Hahahaha.

Now Kerry, don't be pissing me off. Everything you used to do was amazing! What's happening here?! Is that a sparkly disco skirt peaking through your gown?!?!

I know at this point Lena is doing this on purpose. I am still putting her on my Worst list, even if she orchestrated it this way for her own hipster agenda. You're not actually Sia bitch!

Again with the red taffeta. And accompanied by a crop top no less. I mean. Sarah Hyland, ladies and homosexual gentlemen. 

UUUUUGHHHHH. This is the best pic I could find that truly illustrated the nature of this dress. This cutesy, ill-fitting disaster of a dress. Zooey, once again, we get it. You are the quirky pretty girl with the baby doll eyelashes but your aesthetic is so forced that it's completely unpalatable. I quit this bitch. Let's cleanse…

Best

It was a weirdly blah awards show and this was by far the best on offer, but I was actually pleasantly surprised by a few people! Like, super unlikely contenders. Maybe I am maturing or something and opening my mind but seriously…wow. 

MY GIRL! You are looking spectacular Anna Chlumsky and also simultaneously making me feel extremely old. 

No big deal, Christine Baransky just turning it out and showing em all how it's done. This might be the best of the night. I mean damn.

She's insane and her hair could use some work and it's red, but fuck me if January Jones doesn't always make it onto my best dressed list. There's always interesting details in her outfits and the fit is heavenly and I want those shoes. Yet another win for this crazy babe!

Wait this might be my other total overall favourite of the night…I'm torn. Definitely the best legs for sure. I am a little shocked quite frankly because I haven't seen Julia looking this fantastic in a long time, sartorially speaking (let's be real, she is stunning always but her outfits are often more than a little cracked out). Yay!

Look, credit where credit is due. Julie Bowen usually always makes it onto my Worst list but I am big enough to admit that this is straight-up gorgeous. It's an interesting print, great cut, and it's not red or blushnudesparkly. Additionally, her makeup is really flattering and that usually always lets her down! Great job Carol Vessey, you knocked it out of the park (but Team Bonnie forever ngl). Just, seriously, have I mentioned how pleasantly surprised I am? This isn't taffeta!!!

Kiernan Shipka always and forever belongs on the Best list. How she always nails 'stunning', 'age-appropriate', 'interesting', 'classic' and 'fashion-forward' is beyond me, but this 14 year old is going places and I'm excited to witness it. 

Kristen Wiig is that you?! Once again, someone usually found in something drab or blushnudesparkly looks like an absolute knockout and it pleases me. I knew she had it in her. Honestly, I'm getting choked up.

I can't find a good enough picture that illustrates why I liked this so much onscreen, but to be honest, it's slim pickings from this year's red carpet so Lucy can stay. Chris we did like this today right?!

THIS IS HOW YOU DO RED. AND CURVES. I MEAN SHIT. Octavia Spencer is so beautiful and this gown hugs her in all the right places and just…I'm speechless. 

First of all, she was robbed. Second of all, DAAAAAYUMMMMM! Robin wins. Errrrthing. Oh dang. I am breathless and fanning myself I'm not even being dramatic. Bow down bitches.

Okay, I'm tired and I'm worried I don't know what I like anymore and if we're maybe fighting now, but there it is. The Emmys are over for another year. I love awards shows. 

Yonce all in his mouth like liquor...

I can't get this damn song out of my head. I don't want to get this damn song out of my head. I want to play Yonce all night and all day and most importantly, I want her to keep playing me. It is just so damn enjoyable.

Of course she's playing us with these amazing stunts like the 2014 BeyonceMAs but she does it so darn well that I'm happy to go along with it. She trotted out the BIC and I can't throw shade because it was endearing and sweet and all the good things. When she clapped and exclaimed 'Go mommy!' my dusty, cold, cavernous heart burst with joy and adoration and AWW. A few ovaries exploded, I'm sure. Blue Ivy Carter is adorable and I cannot wait until she is President of the Free World.

I don't even know what to say about Bey's performance of every song from her album that probably hasn't been said on the internet already. I mean DAMN. Why did anyone else even bother to show up?! (To revel in her glory, I guess?) Because nothing would have defeated me more as an artist than seeing Queen B SLAY like that. There are no words. We were just privileged to witness it.

Unfortunately, the video seems to have disappeared from the internet (did it fall off???) but as if you can even forget. Look at the pretty and remember:

I CAN'T EVEN.

And while we're on the topic, I'm happy to share my thoughts in a public forum about what is goin' down with this billion dollars on the elevator. I think it's coming. It's inevitable. The conscious uncoupling will arrive and it will be handled flawlessly and in Bey's own time. She started out as an ingenue she and Jay quickly became equals and it seemed insane to even picture them apart because they are so perfectly matched.

However.

The time has come where Yonce has outgrown him. He's played his part in her history and now she is more relevant and iconic than ever. It's inescapable. But she'll be fine and she'll let us know when it's happening. I've made peace with it in advance. And besides, they will both be there at BIC's Inauguration (possibly performing).

Honourable Mention

Haters gonna hate but I feel like more haters are letting it go and getting on board with Miley nowadays, as I've always predicted. Twerking had it's place and time and it achieved everything she wanted, resulting in her award for 'Wrecking Ball'. Miley knows when it's time to grow and how to make statements in diverse and interesting ways and I am so curious to see where this goes. And I think she looks great.

Dishonourable Mention

Bitch, how DARE. 

I don't care if it was meant as a positive homage or what, but Katy Perry is not, and will never be, Britney Spears, or even anywhere in the same realm. Before Yonce decided to take the universe and claim it as her own, the VMAs were Britney's and hers alone. So, so many of it's iconic moments we continue to relive today are due to her performances (snake around her shoulders for 'I'm a Slave 4 U', nude sequinned bodysuit, mackin' on with Madonna, etc.) that for Katy to try and hijack one of them…NO.

Never forget, Justin. This is where you came from. Britney made you. 

Oscars Best

And just like that, awards season is over for another year.

Ellen did an amazing job hosting and I'm sort of glad there was no dancing. The tweet that broke the internet, the Liza Minelli drag queen joke and the "if 12 Years a Slave doesn't win best picture, you're all racists" comment were all perfectly en pointe. Well done lady!

It was a festive, exciting, tense, wonderful day, better than Christmas and my birthday and NYE all rolled together. It should be a public holiday! I bet not everyone is lucky enough to be able to watch at work and let's be honest, is there anything that sounds more fun than an Oscars party? Imagine the drinking games!

But until then, it's time to wrap up for another year. Thanks for reading, I hope it inspires some healthy discussion about dresses and beauty looks and who deserved to win or not. But ultimately, I hope you agree with me and see that I'm 100% right.

BRANGELINA!!! The ultimate in celebrity royalty (Jay Z and Beyonce are the Presidents obviously, relax) they came to play and they did not disappoint. Firstly, Angelina is not wearing black (or white, for that matter). It is a beautiful steely grey that offset her complexion to perfection and I can't even hate on the sleeves. She can wear whatever she damn wants and be the most stunning person in the room. And Brad! Brad looks amazing! Whatever he's doing (fillers? botox? WHAT IS IT??) it's working a treat on him! Great hair too! Too many exclamation marks?! My heart is fluttering. This is what Pitt Porn does to me. Congrats on the first Oscar Brad! Loveyouguyscallmeokbye!

I love how pretty much every time Catherine Martin works on a big production they just give her all of the awards. And quite rightly might I add. 'The Great Gatsby' was a feat of gorgeous fantasy. And I like this dress weirdly a lot. I'm not sure why, but I enjoyed looking at it. So there.

More collective office gasping for Charlize, let me tell you. I really love her hair and the neckline of this dress and that diamond hanging off her neck…dayum. Has she ever had a dramatic moment in black before? Was this the moment? I enjoyed it.

Pretty sure not even Kate-haters can hate on this dress (note: I am not one of them, I love her). It just kept getting better and better the more camera panned up and down it! Beautifully fit and structured, ugh and that glowy face! Simply divine. I feel like I'm gushing, am I gushing? I'm probably gushing. 

This one delighted me at first, then I wasn't sure, then I decided I loved it. I think. Wait. Yep, I think I do. Particularly: the sharp shoulders, interesting clutch and cool hair quiff. 

Previously it was in no particular order but now these are my top two. Sandra Bullock in Alexander McQueen is a revelation. She is crazy-beautiful, charming and incredibly sweet and I only ever want the best for her and this dress is The Best. I feel like fist-pumping (I will refrain). Yay Sandy!

I mean, duh. Lupito Nyong'o wowed us throughout the entire awards season and then she turns up in Prada looking like this. What a win. I'm not sure there's anybody else more universally beloved at the moment and I'm not sure I want there to be. I love watching her - on film, what she wears, how she speaks, everything, everything, everything. She is simply delightful. Special mention must also go to her carefully-thought-out accessories that elevated her entire look - I want a headband like that now and those cuff earrings were badass. Also can we please be best friends Lupita if you're reading this? Your half of the friendship necklace is already in the mail.

The big winners. Exactly as I predicted. What a great way to end awards season! Actually the only way to top it would be with a Lupita and Jared wedding…let's make it happen team.

The dudes

It's very easy for the boys to fly under the radar at awards shows with a black tux, decent hair and non-orange foundation and therefore, be successful at looking acceptable.

So imagine my shock and delight this year when it was the DUDES who turned up in whacky coloured outfits! Shock and delight I tell you! Shock. And. Delight.

Look, if Bill Murray turns up anywhere it is a good day. Let's just be thankful for his presence and smilye at his little wonky green bow-tie.

All-round gasps in the office today when handsome Hemsworth appeared let me tell you! Not gonna lie, I didn't even realise his tux was maroon until I started googling images of him hours later. Because I was dazzled by his face. I was not however dazzled enough to not notice his wife's outfit (like another workmate of mine, ahem) which was gross. Why must it belly cup itself? We can see you are pregnant and also very thin. Well done. You didn't need to do this to yourself Elsa Pataky.

Jared Leto is 42 years old. I repeat, Jared Leto, he of the luscious ombre locks, perfect golden skin and sparkling blue eyes is 42 years old. Jordan Catalano is 42 and has an Oscar. So let's all process that, yeah? I was obviously overjoyed he won (AS I PREDICTED) and thought his speech was incredibly sweet and can now see where he gets his amazing genes from. HOWEVER. I'm not sold on the red tie. It's a little…tacky. Lesbereal he didn't even need a bow-tie, I would have been mesmerised by his eyes/hair if that garish red thing wasn't screaming for my attention.

I didn't even notice him on the red carpet, was he there?! Did I miss it?? Anyway, Leo looks fine I guess. He will never be as pretty as his 'Romeo and Juliet' days but he is looking better than he has in a while. Well done sir, credit where credit is due. And relax all you crazies, Leo will get his Oscar and he will get it soon. This was not his time, so just chill. It will happen. 

On the other hand, welcome to the McConaissance! What a delightful career comeback to witness! Alright alright alright, fight it as you may, it was McConaughey's time. It's more fun to just accept this fact and forget about Leo okay? His speech was pretty loopy but I wouldn't have him any other way. Just keep livin'. 

Michael B. Jordan is a TALENTED BABE and is wearing AWESOME SHOES. I might love him. I think I do love him. Yep, I do. It's love.

Pharrell is in shorts. So. That happened. And whoever is with him is dressed in that awesome outfit. My love can stretch to these two too. So much love! 

Disappointment is worse than anger

It's worse when someone is staring at you with disappointment and it's a shittier feeling to have than just being mad at ugly dresses.

I'm disappointed with Kerry, J-Law and Cate because I have seen them do so much better and they should be fail-safe happy places for me. For all of us. But especially Cate. I could not even manage to put her on the 'beige blah' list because it hurt too much. I couldn't have a 'worst' list because I might have to put her on it, based on the sheer level of disappointment.

So I created a new list. For Queen Cate. Who I can't hate on.

Kerry Washington

So. This is what Kerry Washington wore today. Yep, a rumpled-looking sheet the colour of dirty dishwater held up by a pin. WHILE BELLY CUPPING. Below is the usual kind of standard we can expect from Olivia Pope. Please note how much more interesting and colourful and structured and different she usually looks. Like, I look forward to a red-carpet appearance by Kerry and today she disappointed me to an extent where I felt a pang in my chest where the cold dark void used to be filled with a heart.

Jennifer Lawrence

Before you jump down my throat, yes, it's largely inoffensive. It fits well, it's a different silhouette to her usual Dior and it's colour. I agree with all of the above positive facts. HOWEVER. I generally hate red on a red carpet. She has also had multiple 'red' moments before. The first one was her best and will never be repeated and she looked like a sexy bombshell. 

ALSO she wore a backwards necklace dangling down her back last year. You can't do that two years in a row. ALSO ALSO her hair (which I love short btw) just made her look old. ALSO ALSO ALSO was she even wearing makeup?! I'm not saying she should be plastered with it because she is so beyond stunning and flawless, but a liiiiittle something to emphasise her eyes wouldn't have gone astray. I miss this J-Law:

Cate Blanchett

Of course it's not bad. It's just…so far below Cate's usual standard that it truly upsets me. Because if I can't rely on Cate who CAN I rely on in this world?! 

Obviously, it's beige-nude. It's sparkly. And it has netting shoulders. Her face however, continues to take my breath away because, look at her. She is a walking SK-II advert. I'm so sad about this dress though because La Blanchette is usually my best dressed of the night and each of the below outfits are now some of my all-time favourites ever, ever! Let's revisit some of her best.

See Cate?! This is why you should never play safe!!! Argh, she is going to strike me down with an icy stare from afar isn't she?