Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Met non-disasters: I guess these weren't total fails

It's honestly come to this. Being excited about outfits that weren't totally awful.

Still not punk, but not totally shit. So. That's something. (But really, was the word 'PUNK' written clearly enough on the invite? Was it legible? Maybe it was just scrawled in some graffiti-type text and these boring Hollywood types couldn't read it properly? Maybe an audio CD would have been more effective?)

Anyway. Well done you lot for looking pretty alright. You've done a decent job and for this you will be politely applauded.

Christina Ricci: Her makeup is nice. And this dress is ok. Overall the effect is quite nice. She looks pretty. I'm scraping the barrel here.

Dakota Fanning: Honestly, she can just do whatever she wants and I will be all over it. Are you some kind of dark angel? I don't know, I don't care, I love you. I hate your shoes though.

Ginnifer Goodwin: I am a hardcore Ginnifer lover and even though I hate her eye makeup, I think she's rocking it. Well done you, you gorgeous adorable pixie.

Gwen Stefani: Hmm. Going through my choices again, I'm struggling to remember the reasoning behind their inclusion on this list but I think mostly it's their attitude. Look at Gwen's steeze. She is confident and she is owning that midriff-baring satin dress. And she's 40-something. Dayum.

Kirsten Dunst: Kiki! I hate your makeup but I am enjoying this dress choice. As usual. But I wish you would let me be in charge of your beauty choices, I would change everything from the neck up.

Nicholas Hoult: Well aren't you just a hot, hot piece of British ass? I like to imagine that you are here because you are back together with Jennifer Lawrence (especially as you were seen having dinner together last week!) and this brings me great joy, even if her boring outfit did not:

I really just wanted to post this photo. Because even if it is blah, it is kinda gorgeous. Too much gorgeous in one photo. I'm all flustered. How could anybody stand that close to Marion Cotillard and look so chilled out and not hyperventilating-y?

Rooney Mara: I extreeeeemely grudgingly admit that this dress is phenomenal. But did Giselle already wear it last year...?

Sienna Miller: Fine, it's a studded jacket on top of a plain white dress. But it's an amazing jacket. And an amazing face. Oh my god. So pretty. So, so pretty. I can't even look directly at her...

Sarah Jessica Parker: Now if she'd just left her crotch underneath her dress, she could have remained solely on this list.

Diane Kruger: Pretty safe dress really but I appreciate the styling. I appreciate everything about the divine Diane really. Most importantly, Joshua Jackson. Yes.

Anne Hathaway: Clearly, in a sea of blah, Annie wins the Met Gala. THIS is how you do sideboob. I wish she was more platinum, but it's a minor grievance. Love this dress. She should have worn it to the Oscars instead of that disgusting pink satin thing. I forgive her for everything this year, that's how much I like this dress. Every acceptance speech, every interview, every cloying emphatic smile. All of it.

And now that's over too for another year. I am putting a general plea out there in Hollywoodland though - please stop being so boring. After a sea of blush nude gowns during awards season, I really thought the Gala would be more exciting. How depressing.

Anyway, by next year surely Harper Seven will be ready to walk the red carpet, right? There's hope!

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