Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Met Gala 2013: Disqualified

Did you feel the excited anticipation in the air as fashionistas, bloggers and wannabes the world over (okay, they're all the same thing) clamoured to get a glimpse of this year's Met Costume Institute Gala offerings?! Note the very telling inclusion of the word 'costume' in the title.  If you're not familiar with this particular event, welcome back from under your rock! Behold, sunlight! This is not your regular red carpet, and nor should it be.

This is a place to be outrageous, have fun with fashion and showcase the very best of haute couture i.e. don't play it safe for once. There is no room for your blush-coloured sparkly ball gowns here!

The theme for 2013 was PUNK and the dumb bitches below seem not to have received that memo. I am the sole sartorial judge in Want world and none of these ingrates even qualify to be in the running. They are wearing glorified ball gowns which I wouldn't even consider a success at the Golden Globes. It's the Met Gala for fuck's sake, show some fucking respect.

Anyway. Let the rambling rage be accompanied by some pictures now, yes? Yes.

Jessica Alba: Just because it's black, doesn't mean it's punk you hemp-diaper pimp. It's a glorified fishtail gown with cutouts. And a perfect top knot. How dare. We get it, you're some angelic Earth mother now (that seems to be her primary occupation, while she 'waits for the right role to come along' as if anyone is asking Alba to be in their films and she is simply being choosy while she poses with her picture-perfect children for the paparazzi, but I digress) who doesn't want to challenge the middle-of-the-road mummy majority BUT YOU ARE AT THE MET COSTUME INSTITUTE GALA. BOR-RING.

Amber Heard: used to be a cool-ass lesbian with a hot girlfriend who got to make out with Dr. Spencer Reid on Criminal Minds (in a pool!). Now she's dating loserJohnny Depp (he's a loser now, we can all agree on that, yeah? The millions of necklaces, ditching the mother of his children and bad-mouthing her in the press while he goes clubbing with a bunch of 20-somethings - total loser) and she's in red lace. BRIGHT RED. UUUUGH. She looks like a figure skater.

Jessica Biel: Oh honey. This is not technically a bad dress, in fact I rather like it, but you are not edgy enough to pull it off and make it punk. Accessorised with blah diamonds, blah hair and blah shoes while posing delicately with your hand on your hip - this is not what a banging' Gala ensemble makes. It's just Try.

Chloe Sevigny: Now this is the kind of thing I would expect Chloe to turn up in at, like, a funeral. Or a premiere. This, for me, is Chloe's 'safe' outfit. And she wore it to the Met. I don't even know who you are any more Sevigny. I used to so look forward to your sartorial choices and now you leave me cold. Or even worse - nonplussed.

Emilia Clarke: God, what a babe. Pity she is raping my eyes with an ill-fitting, wrinkled, red satin gown. So many bad things in that sentence. This would be unforgivable at a school prom. A dangly cross earring ain't enough to save you now homie.

Emmy Rossum: Damn she's awful. If I ever had to be alone with Rossum for a minute I'd probably scratch my ear drums out in about 3 seconds. So it wouldn't actually even be the full minute, but it would feel like an eternity. I find her insufferable at the best of times (did you sort of get the gist of that already?) and then she turns up to the PUNK Met Costume Institute Gala in a blush coloured sparkly ball gown with a fucking braid on her head. GET THE FUCK OUT. YOU DON'T BELONG HERE.

January Jones: This is a short sequinned cocktail dress with some cool shoes. That one might wear to a costume party. Slightly weird makeup but overall, this is a cocktail party outfit. She wears electric blue space-age Versace to the Emmys and she wears an LBD to the Met Gala. I just. I can't. Fine, let's relive the magic once again, here she is in one of my all-time favourite red carpet moments brought to you by yours truly:

Sigh. I remember seeing it for the first time, it was heart-stpping.

Jennifer Lopez: Well at least she didn't have her loser boyfriend fronting next to her but it's J-Lo!!! She could have done some crazy ass shit on her awesome crazy ass body but she went for a J-Lo standard. STANDARD.

Kate Bosworth: I hate this talentless attention whore but even I can begrudgingly admit she usually looks awesome. However, this is just a cute short sequinned dress. With black pumps. And lank hair. At the Met. 'Nuff said.


Michelle Williams: Oh Michelle. Michelle, Michelle, Michelle. This is truly painful, to not have you on my best-dressed list. I just...I can't with this. You would have had the perfect hair and look to kick the PUNK thing in the dick...but you wore this. With your hair softly blow-dried and side-parted fringe. Whyyyy? In my head, I see a glorious mix of androgyny and sweetness, of a perfectly tailored Tom Ford tux and immaculately styled faux-hawk. Oh, what could have been.

Zooey Deschanel: I'm sorry, is it time for afternoon tea on the porch at Ralph Lauren's Hamptons weekender? Is that...cotton? Is this the way 'quirky-cool' manifests itself when it is actually a perfectly acceptable time to be genuinely quirky and different? Though now that I think about it, Deschanel has pretty assy style in general. It's always blush-coloured and pouffy and this is that but downgraded about a billion levels.

Stay tuned for 'Met Horrors Even For the Met' and 'Met Default Standouts Coz It Was Damn Slim Pickin's This Year' still to come.

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