Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Met Horrors even for the Met

Like, damn.

I said 'outrageous and fun' not straight-up gross. It's a fickle world, the world of fashion and it's a fine line between werking couture and looking like you've lost yo' dang mind. Please see below for examples of the latter.

Kristen Stewart: Bad makeup, unflattering colour, boring shoes...WHO AM I KIDDING LOOK AT IT, IT'S THE WORLD'S WORST CAMEL TOE! My vagina hurts.

Nicole Richie: If she'd only done something else with her hair. Anything else. Literally, anything. This could have been salvageable, if not extremely boring (lesbereal, she would have been disqualified). I just don't understand the hair choice? When did punks spray their hair with white powder, if it wasn't up their nostrils?

Blake Lively: HAHAHAHA LOOK AT BOOBS LEGSLY THINKING SHE IS SO FASHIONY. She's so funny sometimes. Gurl, you may think you are so cool and innately stylin' to work without an actual stylist but your dress doesn't even goddamn fit. And that's the least of your problems. Also, FUCK YOU. I am still bitter about that tease of a wedding spread in Martha Stewart Living. Whyyyy, why would you do that? Not even one picture of your dress? Nothing! I always knew you were the worst BUT SERIOUSLY YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST. I didn't even WANT to see you piece of shit Marchesa dress. Whatever. I don't even care.

Elle Fanning: Look, I acknowledge that Elle Fanning is a delightful and talented young girl who always experiments with her outfits and I appreciate these this. Infinitely preferable to a boring pretty blonde girl who wears boring pretty blonde girl outfits. However. Her makeup actually scares me. I am scared.

Giselle Bundchen: The only question I had about this particular ensemble is whether or not it deserved to be disqualified or in my 'worst' list. She gets worse punishment because she is capable of so much more. Props for popping out two kids though.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Ewwwwwwwwww! This is another one that is so, so, so disappointing to me. I love when Gwyneth looks amazing. I love when she stands there all smug and perfect and knowing that we hate her for her perfection. I love that Gwyneth. I hate this Gwyneth. Ugh, it reminds me of her ill-fitting pink taffeta Oscars tragedy. She even looks unsure of herself. If she was standing there and staring back at me like "I got this, you're just a peon who doesn't understand fashion and therefore I care not for your opinion, also you should try these kale chips dipped in spelt" I would probably put it in a 'best dressed' list. I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU ANYMORE GWYNNIE. BE BETTER THAN ME.

Jaime King: Love love love loooove Jaime King, I am girl-crushing all over her lately and stylistically speaking, I am all over the idea of this outfit...but in execution, she fails. If the suit was tailored better...with a more modern cut...cooler shoes...maybe? I don't know. It just needs to be fixed. Great from the neck up though.

Katy Perry: Ew. Just ew. It's mumsy and actually kinda 'safe'. Like, Perry for once I would be okay with your over-the-top shenanigans. You could wear this on Sunday to your dad's church. Ya dig?

Kanye West's Girlfriend aka Kim K: Hahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahaha. This is so bad. Hahahahahaha. The matching floral shoes really are the icing on this disgusting cake. I couldn't find the picture again, but I saw one today where she's blatantly holding the split apart to show more of her leg. Which...I mean...I'm not sure why she's choosing that feature to highlight right now. Did I mention the high neckline by the way? She looks like a blob. No shape, nothing. There must have been a more flattering dress somewhere out there. But I'm glad she looks like ass because she should not have even been there in the first place. It's blasphemy on the Met steps.

Madonna: Presented without comment.

Sarah Jessica Parker: What is happening from the crotch down? What are those boots? Why is she holding her dress up like that? I can see crotch.

Taylor Swift: Look, I hear you guys. Obviously this could have been in the 'disqualified' list but where's the fun in that? Swifty obviously tried here so she deserves to be judged. Pageant hair and a black 'edgy' (for Taylor) dress - there is an obvious disconnect here. And I'm not just talking about Taylor and every dude everywhere, ever. (Oi, Harry Styles, if you have Taylor on Google Alerts and you're reading this, hit me up dude...you're 19 right? Definitely over 18 at least yeah? Cool.)

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen: Believe it or not, I did actually expect more from these two. At least Ashley looks like she put some thought into finding that atrocity of an outfit but did MK even know she was going until 20 minutes beforehand?

Miley Cyrus: Call me crazy but I don't tooootally hate this. I think the hair pushed it over the edge into 'Fucking Shit' territory. I would have been down with a mohawk. I probably would have loved it actually. What is happening.

Beyonce: This is heartbreaking. I don't know what to say. I don't even know what I'm feeling. Upset is definitely part of it. Devastated. Confused. Is this the same person from 2012, mere months after birthing out a tiny human who turned up to the Gala in this Givenchy confection...?

All in all, one of the most disappointing Met Galas in recent times. It's worse when your expectations are so high and the people who are safe bets to be AWESOME look like ass. It feels like a personal affront. Don't they know I only want/expect the best from them? How could Gwyneth do this to me? Why didn't Beysus and Gwynnie get together and brainstorm? My heart hurts. So do my eyes.

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