I say this with love, but most of the crowd tonight looked like a steaming pile of boring-ass shit. No offence. Fine. Some offence.
I don't even know if I have enough good to create a post around 'the good, the bad, and the ugly' so I'm just going to wade through the crap first and pick my faves at the end. Cool? Cool.
You've all let me down
Oh, Amy. So gorgeous and usually so well turned out. Remember the blue sequinned sheath, Veronica Lake waves and gorgeous emeralds you were dripping with only a few Oscars ago? Or the purple and turquoise number the year you were nominated for 'Doubt'? What is this frothy Oscar de la Renta creation? I get it. As a 5 year old, this would have been my dream dress. But it's so...unoriginal. Which you, gorgeous Amy Adams, are not.
How fucking dare. She, despite her many, many grating tendencies, she who is always on my best dressed lists - how fucking dare she. What is this? It's actually (unbelievably) worse from the back. Worse than the nipples!!!!! Vile blush-pink boring colour, ill-fitting and tacky. I am at a loss. I have never disliked a single thing Annie has worn. Even when it's a liiiittle off the mark, I appreciate that she always tries to be different and push the boundaries. But THIS. UGH. I weep for the Armani Prive scalloped gown and the perfect Saint Laurent tuxedo she graced us with only a few weeks ago. I actually would have preferred the immaculate tux than this horror.
Ok, I get that it's McQueen. It's interestingly detailed and the neckline is different than the usual. The problem is, I don't think Amanda Seyfriend here, with her big dagga hair-do and matchy pastel makeup is quite pulling it off. Like at all. She looks like a WASP-y grandma.
Fine, she looked awful in her red-carpet dress. It's gold, it's blingy, it's cleavage-heavy, it's very Catherine Zeta Jones. BUT fuck me, she looked amazing when she was performing didn't she? So effing cool.
AAAAAAARGHHHHHHHH. Apart from Annie, this one brings out the most rage in me. BRIGHT RED. TAFFETA. BALL GOWN. None of these things should be seen!!! This was supposed to be Jenny's big night! No Brange around, it was all hers for the taking! To shove it to Angelina's leg! And she turns up in this monstrosity. Honestly, why can't I style these people? Absolute worst of the night. Oh my god and I haven't even mentioned the hair. Just once, can't she do something different with it?? A slick pony, a chic chignon, anything!
Oh gurl, now you know I love you, and I thought I loved what you were wearing, and then you turned around. Not that you've ever been one to wow me Jennifer Garner, but throughout this whole awards season, we have seen many, many consistent wins for you. And then you go ahead and go with the back ruffle. Shoutout to Tara at work who said that "it looks like a dinosaur suit or something". TRUTHS.
A wrinkled, $80 gown from H&M? Really, Helen Hunt? I want you to go sit in a corner and think about what you've done.
This is not a weight thing, obviously. This is a "Melissa McCarthy you are rich and famous and can afford to get something made custom" thing. There's no need for this. Or the hair. Dear lord, the hair. There is really no excuse for the hair.
Actually, I could re-write exactly what I wrote for Melissa McCarthy verbatim for K-Stew. You can get something made that fits your boobies girl! And you could probably afford to get a decent hairdresser FOR THE OSCARS. And it's blush-nude. I was legit rage-screaming at the TV as I saw indiscriminate boring gowns come down the red carpet one after another. Kristen, you are another disappointment to me. I will do a lot for you usually. I would defend your weirdo interesting red carpet choices, but I won't defend a blah, ill-fitting gown. I won't.
Yet another unfortunate gown from one of my usual Best Dressed ladies. I almost wish it was all bronze, or there were just less sequins in the black part, and the straps were different...I don't know what it is. But it's not working. And this makes me sad.
Oh Reese. Sartorially, you have been sliding for a while now. I hated your 60s-mod black and white concoction last year, and I hate this squishy-boob black-stripe horror this year. OH AND DID I MENTION THE STIFF, UNFLATTERING TAFFETA? I can't work out why she went with this...the black stripe across her boob makes her chest area look halved and the black panels down the side, instead of being utilised as a clever slimming optical illusion stop at her waist and instead makes her bottom half look bigger?
It physically pains me to include Jennifer Lawrence in this list, but I can't, in good conscience, say that I like this. It is a big, white, mermaid tail gown. Dior or not, I just can't. Everything else about her is flawless perfection though. Including her stumble because, damn, she's adorable. Have I mentioned that I love her? Sally Field loves her too, look! Everybody backstage loved her. Leo Dicaprio loved her over the weekend (not like that - but apparently he was utterly charmed by her at a pre-Oscars party and hung out with her all night aww). She's amazing, as is her hair and makeup and choice of jewellery. But the dress ain't.
Part 3 coming soon! Expect: the sartorial highlights of the red carpet and the hot dudes.