Dress porn, Dudes In Suits porn

Finally, some refreshingly gorgeous dresses during a very dull awards season. I'm not going to lie, some of these ladies shocked me. I did not anticipate that a lot of them would make my Best Dressed list. In fact, I was ready to harpoon them and laud many others that ended up being disasters. The world truly is full of surprises.

You had me at 'not nude/blush, taffeta or ill-fitting fishtail gown'

Duh. Always stunning, always flawless, always in a dress that is totally flattering on her gorgeous frame. And damn, that face. I was totally breathless watching her perform. She is totally enchanting and  it is a pleasure being under Adele's spell. Can we be best friends? Me, J-Law and Adele would be the bestest of best friends. 

I guess this isn't everyone's cup of tea but how can you deny that face?? I love that her hair is still short (it was for 'Mad Max'), I love how simple her makeup is and I love the perfect construction and fit of this gown. Only Charlize.

I am truly in shock. So often do I shit on Giuliana Rancic, that this feels foreign. I can't believe what a difference a great haircut can make! Farewell to the days of stringy balayage-ridden extensions and hello to a softly tousled glossy brunette bob. Wow.

Can this stunning lady do no wrong?! It took me a quick second but then I was all over it. She has such a way of wearing a gown. It has a belt! It's white! And yet...I am fawning at her feet. Go figure.

This little badass won the Oscars just purely by having the best time amirite?? Can't wait to see her be adorable as Annie.

Memo to Melissa McCarthy: take note. This is how you do.

Queen Meryl is incredible. It's a familiar silhouette on her and yet it's still one of the most interesting and different dresses that I saw today. Love the shoulder detail. And the Miranda Priestly hair. And the fact that she and Daniel Day Lewis are each other's professional equal. Young asshole Hollywood folk please pay attention - it takes humility, talent, hard work, grace and respect for people to get to this level. And confident self-awareness to look this damn good.

Not only did I not see Stacy Keibler being on my BEST DRESSED LIST but I didn't even seeing her making it to a second Oscars!!! The girl has done what no other has done before. Props were props are due. That being said, I still want George Clooney to know that he doesn't need a half-rate nobody to win Oscars. He is actually more charming and endearing when he is alone at these things.

Am I crazy? Why do I like this? Is it just because she's so damn banging at her age? Is it the colour? The fit and structure of the dress? I don't know. All of the above.

Second best of the night has to be Jessica Chastain. Are you yelling at me about the blush-like colour of the gown? Go ahead, it looked bronze on-screen and apparently in person also. It's intricate, it fits her beautifully and her hair and makeup is ridiculously perfect. Sometimes Jessica doesn't get it quite right (the Golden Globes fiasco still makes me shudder) but when she does, the result is angelic. Not as PHWOAR as her look last year (the year before? I dunno), but I feel that much amazingness can never again be replicated. Let's revisit...

Aaaaaand #1 is of course Naomi Watts. Obviously.

I mean right?! I don't know what other words to use that aren't superfluous and hyperbolic but it is incredibly striking on her. Naomi has NEVER done me wrong (amazing record) but she still manages to surprise and delight me. Every detail is working for her. Beauty-wise and accessories-wise, she totally nailed it. Loooooove. (Also, just me, or is it a bit reminiscent of the one-shoulder Chanel gown Cameron Diaz wore that Rachel Zoe thought was too 'weird' for the Oscars and that nobody would get it so she had the sleeve altered? So glad Naomi kept it).

GUYS IN SUITS

I'm not actually a huge fan of the rumpled, slightly-too-large suit and the unfortunate Hangover hair that Bradley is sporting here, but I really do like him. It's always nice to glimpse him on camera, with those baby blues. It wasn't not your year love but hold out, it'll happen.

God, as much as I wanted Hugh to win, I can't hate on Daniel Day Lewis. How can you hate on DDL?  He is wearing a perfectly tailored navy tux. He is charm and charisma personified. If he could bottle his stage presence... Also adore his lovely wife Rebecca. She seems fun.

Aside from the irritating belly stroking on the red carpet, these two are damn cute. I sort of like that Channing Tatum is a devoted husband and future baby-daddy. It makes him hotter. Is that weird? Or is it totally normal because he seems so genuinely lovely and not an asshole and yet he looks like that how is this man possible?

BOOM. Eddie Redmayne wearing the shit out of his tux and showing his peers how it's done. He has owned every awards show this season, best dressed dude of 2013, hands down. Even when vomming his guts out at the SAGs due to a virus. Still stylin'.

Awwwww. I really thought it was Hugh's year. He's always so dapper and sweet and apparently the nicest guy in Hollywood. How can you not be rooting for the nicest guy in Hollywood to win?! Great performance too, but then, he's always great. This man is a triple-threat and he will get his Oscar some day. It might take a little while, but look at Colin Firth. It'll happen eventually.

Best couple, best Oscars campaign, best awards season campaign, best everything. Ben Affleck did not let the Best Director snub get him down. He kept slogging it out with weekly trips to the Farmer's Market with his kids, romantic paparazzi-shot trips to Paris with his wholesome gorgeous wife, and remained humble and gracious with every award he received in the lead-up to the Oscars. And THEN he posed WITH JENNIFER GARNER on the red carpet at the press wall TOGETHER for the first time. It all paid off Afflecks! Enjoy the victory!

Also this happened. Apparently they were entertaining everyone backstage with their standup routine. I wish they'd hosted instead of Seth McFarlane.

Until next year folks! Let's see how long it takes Adele to achieve the incredibly rare and prestigious EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony). She's only 24 and she's halfway there.

Fun red carpet gowns! Oh wait, just a sea of mediocrity.

Honestly, why doesn't Hollywood just LISTEN to me? I said NO more blush/nude/sparkly gowns, NO to taffeta, and NO to unflattering mermaid gowns!!!!

I say this with love, but most of the crowd tonight looked like a steaming pile of boring-ass shit. No offence. Fine. Some offence.

I don't even know if I have enough good to create a post around 'the good, the bad, and the ugly' so I'm just going to wade through the crap first and pick my faves at the end. Cool? Cool.

You've all let me down

Oh, Amy. So gorgeous and usually so well turned out. Remember the blue sequinned sheath, Veronica Lake waves and gorgeous emeralds you were dripping with only a few Oscars ago? Or the purple and turquoise number the year you were nominated for 'Doubt'? What is this frothy Oscar de la Renta creation? I get it. As a 5 year old, this would have been my dream dress. But it's so...unoriginal. Which you, gorgeous Amy Adams, are not.

How fucking dare. She, despite her many, many grating tendencies, she who is always on my best dressed lists - how fucking dare she. What is this? It's actually (unbelievably) worse from the back. Worse than the nipples!!!!! Vile blush-pink boring colour, ill-fitting and tacky. I am at a loss. I have never disliked a single thing Annie has worn. Even when it's a liiiittle off the mark, I appreciate that she always tries to be different and push the boundaries. But THIS. UGH. I weep for the Armani Prive scalloped gown and the perfect Saint Laurent tuxedo she graced us with only a few weeks ago. I actually would have preferred the immaculate tux than this horror.

Ok, I get that it's McQueen. It's interestingly detailed and the neckline is different than the usual. The problem is, I don't think Amanda Seyfriend here, with her big dagga hair-do and matchy pastel makeup is quite pulling it off. Like at all. She looks like a WASP-y grandma.

 

Fine, she looked awful in her red-carpet dress. It's gold, it's blingy, it's cleavage-heavy, it's very Catherine Zeta Jones. BUT fuck me, she looked amazing when she was performing didn't she? So effing cool.

AAAAAAARGHHHHHHHH. Apart from Annie, this one brings out the most rage in me. BRIGHT RED. TAFFETA. BALL GOWN. None of these things should be seen!!! This was supposed to be Jenny's big night! No Brange around, it was all hers for the taking! To shove it to Angelina's leg! And she turns up in this monstrosity. Honestly, why can't I style these people? Absolute worst of the night. Oh my god and I haven't even mentioned the hair. Just once, can't she do something different with it?? A slick pony, a chic chignon, anything!

Oh gurl, now you know I love you, and I thought I loved what you were wearing, and then you turned around. Not that you've ever been one to wow me Jennifer Garner, but throughout this whole awards season, we have seen many, many consistent wins for you. And then you go ahead and go with the back ruffle. Shoutout to Tara at work who said that "it looks like a dinosaur suit or something". TRUTHS.

A wrinkled, $80 gown from H&M? Really, Helen Hunt? I want you to go sit in a corner and think about what you've done.

This is not a weight thing, obviously. This is a "Melissa McCarthy you are rich and famous and can afford to get something made custom" thing. There's no need for this. Or the hair. Dear lord, the hair. There is really no excuse for the hair.

Actually, I could re-write exactly what I wrote for Melissa McCarthy verbatim for K-Stew. You can get something made that fits your boobies girl! And you could probably afford to get a decent hairdresser FOR THE OSCARS. And it's blush-nude. I was legit rage-screaming at the TV as I saw indiscriminate boring gowns come down the red carpet one after another. Kristen, you are another disappointment to me. I will do a lot for you usually. I would defend your weirdo interesting red carpet choices, but I won't defend a blah, ill-fitting gown. I won't.

Yet another unfortunate gown from one of my usual Best Dressed ladies. I almost wish it was all bronze, or there were just less sequins in the black part, and the straps were different...I don't know what it is. But it's not working. And this makes me sad.

Oh Reese. Sartorially, you have been sliding for a while now. I hated your 60s-mod black and white concoction last year, and I hate this squishy-boob black-stripe horror this year. OH AND DID I MENTION THE  STIFF, UNFLATTERING TAFFETA? I can't work out why she went with this...the black stripe across her boob makes her chest area look halved and the black panels down the side, instead of being utilised as a clever slimming optical illusion stop at her waist and instead makes her bottom half look bigger?

It physically pains me to include Jennifer Lawrence in this list, but I can't, in good conscience, say that I like this. It is a big, white, mermaid tail gown. Dior or not, I just can't. Everything else about her is flawless perfection though. Including her stumble because, damn, she's adorable. Have I mentioned that I love her? Sally Field loves her too, look! Everybody backstage loved her. Leo Dicaprio loved her over the weekend (not like that - but apparently he was utterly charmed by her at a pre-Oscars party and hung out with her all night aww). She's amazing, as is her hair and makeup and choice of jewellery. But the dress ain't.

Part 3 coming soon! Expect: the sartorial highlights of the red carpet and the hot dudes.

Less gushing Annie, more charming Hugh

Before we get to the good stuff in my next post (read: actually kind of awful fashions) let's look at the show.

First and foremost, my ultimate girl crush and all-round hilarious babe, Jennifer Lawrence won Best Actress. In recent history I cannot recall being so overjoyed by a Best Actress win (Natalie Portman still hurts). Even though she stacked it up the stairs, she laughed at herself, she was as charming as always and we got to see Hugh Jackman being adorable and gentleman-like. It was ridiculously sweet. Apparently, in the press room afterwards Jennifer spent a lot of time answering questions and engaging people and pretty much making everyone fall in love with her all over again. There's something about this girl, she just cannot put a foot wrong (even when she really, really puts a foot wrong like, on the wrong step). LOVE.

Next up, Flawless Queen Adele. She sounded incredible, she looked amazing, and she was so SO cute when accepting her award. "YOU'RE ALL AMAZING!" Good grief, my heart. Also, apparently Adele was still in the press room when Jennifer Lawrence won and she jumped and exclaimed "Jennifer Lawrence won Best Actress woo hoo!!!" I mean, please.

Best Film obviously had to go to 'Argo'. I'm glad it did, because Ben Affleck really was snubbed for Best Director so I guess this was the Academy's way of saying "sorry, we fucked up, can we give you an Oscar for Gigli to make up for it?" (not that anybody kept mentioning it throughout the speeches or anything...). Anyway. It was a flawless campaign run, Ben didn't let himself get beaten by the snub, instead he manned up and made a series of perfectly strategised public appearances with America's new First Lady, Jennifer Garner and swept awards season. This was as much her win as it was his. She really was the perfect partner throughout the campaign. And what a perfectly executed campaign.

Surprisingly, I actually quite enjoyed the ode to the musical medley. I didn't expect to, I just wanted to watch Adele and not have more Annie to deal with.

But Catherine Zeta Jones goddamn she knocked it out of the park! Sometimes I forget how dang talented she is, but there's a reason she won the Oscar for 'Chicago'. It's like no time at all had passed, she's still got it. I had goosebumps watching her and I felt so happy to see her perform again. Whereas as charismatic and energetic CZJ was, did anybody else find Jennifer Hudson sort of...dull? I'm not sure what it was, but it was definitely lacking something.

But the 'Les Miserables' cast did an amazing job. Due in large part, obviously, to Hugh Jackman. Not Anne Hathaway's overworking mouth. I loved that the whole cast came out and sang, and all the the flags, and did I mention Hugh Jackman? I had mega chills.

Those were the only good points of the show though. Seth McFarlane was a bust, I don't understand why William Shatner did that thing and I found the whole overtone of the night downright bizarre. It must have sucked for the Academy that Tina and Amy won the Oscars weeks ago by being so amazing at the Globes (I guess they know what to do next year hey??). Seth McFarlane was just such a weird choice! He seemed like he was too cool to be hosting, like being there was beneath him and actually it really just came off as a defence mechanism to fall back on in case he sucked (which, incidentally, he did). I did not laugh once at any of his jokes. In fact, I just wanted to slap his weird, smug, ugly face.

And then there was Anne Hathaway. As much as I didn't want her to win, I was genuinely concerned for her wellbeing if she didn't. The whole world would have heard the wailing first-hand, not to mention being swept away by her tidal wave of emotions. Her breathy, gratuitous ohmigosh emotions when she wins are bad enough. She really is the Taylor Swift of Hollywood, isn't she? Also, for someone who was in an epic film with a huge cast for all of 20 minutes, she really found a way to make it all about her didn't she?

Lainey (of LaineyGossip.com) was covering the Oscars for eTalk Canada and was backstage in the press room to interview the stars after they came off stage. She said Jennifer Lawrence joined them immediately after coming off stage and was engaging, funny and happy to have a chat. Anne Hathaway on the other hand, over two hours after she won, had still not come back to the press room. In fact, she waited until everybody else had done their interviews (including the winners for Best Actor and Best Film - i.e. the two biggest awards of the night as well as Best Actress).

What a rude, narcissistic, self-obsessed bitch. Honestly, what the hell was she doing all that time?!

The best bit though is the shit that spills out of her mouth when she's trying to show gratitude and you know, just how deeply she feels things. Lainey tweeted some hilarious snippets of her interview (again, after keeping the room waiting for literally hours):

On how wonderful her husband is (the first thing she brought up): "He makes everything better, clearer, more real", just like my vomit.

False, irritating modesty: "All I can hear are the notes I didn't quite hit" YEAH THAT'S WHY THEY GAVE YOU THE OSCAR.

On the handsomest singing, dancing, acting machine: "Hugh Jackman made the film soar" FINE, TRUTH. He really was robbed of best actor. Daniel Day Lewis is amazing and all (seriously love him) but c'mon he already has two. Nobody was rooting for him this time.

On making people wanting to stab their eardrums: "I had a dream...and it came true. And that can happen. It can and it did. Criticism gets to me but you have to remember in that...the miracle of the universe is that there is 51% matter and 49% anti-matter". What. The. Actual. Fuck. Shut uuppppp Annieeeeeee!

So I think that pretty much sums it up. Onto the important things like goooowns! Stay tuned.

The problem(s) with 'Girls'

I'm obviously talking about the show and not in fact my gorgeous fellow ladies in general.

I like 'Girls' and I have seen every episode. I will probably continue to do so. I've been watching from the beginning and I am invested. Just like a real friendship, sometimes I get annoyed, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I roll my eyes, but I look forward to our weekly rendezvous and I'm in it for the long haul.

But goddamn is Lena Dunham irritating as fuck.

If you haven't seen her grating, obsequious display at the Golden Globes, you really should check that shit out before we continue:

Ugh. As you can see, Tina Fey was not impressed. Like really, Lena, everybody else exists just to make your life easier and make you feel accepted and happy and flowers and rainbows? Heads up: 'Girls' getting any kind of recognition is not the universe's way of validating you. Every cast and crew member does not work on the show simply to give your life meaning.

By the way, Tina really did not care for that remark. Look at her face. In her beautifully sardonic manner, Tina Fey brilliantly calls Lena out on her shit. And then tears Taylor Swift a new asshole. WHERE WERE YOU CAMERA MAN? WHY DID NOBODY CUT TO HER FACE? I SHOULD BE RUNNING THIS SHOW!

But I digress. I'm not just trying to cyber bitchface Lena Dunham in this post, I do have a point.

And that point is, if Dunham herself is so cluelessly un-self-aware (heads up: you had a very comfortable background growing up and got a $3 million book deal before you'd even written a word - the world is not out to get you and you don't need to do the overwhelmed Swifty "oh my gosh is it really me?!" thing every time something good comes your way) how will Hannah herself grow as a character?

The most unbearable part of each episode of 'Girls' (apart from Jessa, everything about Jessa) is Hannah's complete lack of self perception coupled with her emotional immaturity. And after Dunham's display at the Golden Globes I realised that she too exhibited these very characteristics. Which leads me to believe that whatever hope I had for Hannah to demonstrate any form of personal growth might be as fruitful as hoping for a Gosling/Mendes breakup any day now (he just cast her in his first directorial debut - i.e. pre-production, filming, post-production, promotion, premiere...ugh).

It's not happening anytime soon.

Which means Shosh, it's all on you to continue being as adorable and sweet as possible in your first-ever relationship with Ray to not let the team down. They are doing great so far and I think it comes down to Zosia Mamet's acting abilities (so, so incredibly endearing) as opposed to Dunham's writing. No offence.

Also: Marnie is a jerk. Charlie is a jerk. Charlie's girlfriend is a jerk. Jessa, as alluded to above, is a jerk. Adam is a gross jerk.

Just because you're trying to be hipster and edgy and different doesn't mean everybody has to be a jerk! In real life, people have redeeming qualities. Enough to make you care about them. 'Girls' is really taking its time in making this happen and soon we, the audience, will stop being invested in a bunch of white jerks running around NYC.

N.B. Lena, what is with the brief flashes of guest character arcs? Are new people only ever written in for 2-3 episodes? That is not enough! Take some time to develop a new character as opposed to giving us the divine Donald Glover for two meagre episodes (in which his arc made no sense - you can't just spring 'Republican' on us in the second episode with no background or foresight and hope that's enough of a plot twist to get rid of him, nor is it enough to 'diversify' the show). Chris O'Dowd was also severely under-utilised. Next up apparently is Patrick Wilson. Again, keep the guest stars, and give us someone new and meaty to get stuck into.