Grant my wishes oh holy Gossip Genie pt1

You guys. You guys. What is happening with the celeb world? Ryan Reynolds MARRIED Boobs Legsly, Ryan Gosling is STILL banging Eva Mendes, Heidi and Seal broke up and Robsten remains unbroken?! What the hellllll is going on.

You know, my prayers to Gossip Genie have occasionally been answered in the past. Lea Michelle and Cory Monteith got together after I wrote my blog on 'celeb couples I think should get together' (so that he could calm her ass down and demonstrate his nice Canadian-ness on her) and Jakey G ditched Swifty as soon I posted about how shit she was and how many more viable options there were for him out there (I even included dude options, because, let's face it, Jake Gyllenhaal is without a doubt the infamous Toothy Tile http://www.blinditemsexposed.com/2010/04/vintage-bv-toothy-tile.html). So it's not like this doesn't work sometimes.

As the celeb world has indeed gone so batshit insane, we need to pray together to Gossip Genie to make it a better place. In my first instalment we visit celeb couples who nobody is rooting for.

Break these dumb bitches the fuck up
Seriously, these hot messes have gone too far. It's time they were stopped in their tracks and given a rude awakening i.e. everybody hates them (together).

Oh Ryan. Ryan, Ryan, Ryan. You were once in my top 5. TOP 5. My Berg, my love, what has happened to you? You were taken in by some fake tits, scraggy blonde hair and some home-baked cupcakes??? For shame. You know, at first I was pretty upset for you when your marriage with Scarjo ended. But then you hooked up with Boobs Legsly here and I remembered your sketchy romantic past. Engaged to Rachel Leigh Cook (no marriage), engaged to Alanis Morisette (long engagement, no marriage), engaged to ScarJo (quiet, short-lived marriage) and now this. There's a common denominator here. Boobs Legsly is all-round foul, but you actually had promise. You've done this to yourself. But maybe there's still hope? Cut the bad shit from your life boy.

Kanye, don't you look at Jay Z and Beyonce and think "Awe, that's what I want"? You hang out with the two coolest, most talented, well-matched people on the planet and you bring this to the table? Ideally, Gossip Genie, Kanye is actually a closeted homosexual and I will only forgive him his terrible taste in women if my friend Huna and I are correct in our estimation that Kanye is indeed Frank Ocean's first love, who he so eloquently wrote about here: http://leloveimage.blogspot.com.au/2012/07/my-first-love-frank-oceans-coming-out.html (fact: they worked on an album together around this time, I think).

WAKE UP MILA! IT'S NOT TOO LATE FOR YOU! PINCH YOURSELF YOU'RE IN A NIGHTMARE THIS CAN BE THE ONLY EXPLANATION FOR THE GROSSNESS INVOLVED WITH RIDING THIS DOUCHE WAKE UPPPPPP! Credible alternative: Russell Brand. Failing that, maybe Mila and Macauley Culkin should get back together because ever since they broke up...well, I've been worried about him.

Kourtney, I don't actually hate you. You're no Khloe, but I actually kind of like you. Ditch the dick.

Compare the above images. Who would you rather Ryan Gosling going home to at night? If it can't be you, wouldn't you rather he was romancing the pants off the adorable, endearing, crazy-talented Carey Mulligan? Don't you wish she'd ditch her gross Mumford husband and Ryan would ditch the old lady (an on-set affair that has carried on far too long) and the two would look at these pictures of themselves on the internet and be like "DAMN we are so cute together, I wanna tap that all day!" I actually really, really want for this to happen. GOSSIP GENIE PLEASE LISTEN TO ME AND DON'T LET THE GOS GO AS FAR AS VAN WILDER AND MAKE US HATE HIM, DON'T DO IT.

Now, obviously I want Rihanna to stay the fuck away from Chris Brown and not be back together with him. But more importantly, I want Chris Brown to go die in a fire and disappear off the face of the Earth. I genuinely do not understand how a human being so vile can still have a) fans; b) people that defend him, c) people that don't really see the big deal and are sort of apathetic about him. All of these people worry me. This is a man who violently beat up his girlfriend, leaving her for dead on a highway, then went partying after his court hearing; went on a rage-fueled bender and smashed a window after his GMA interview because he didn't like the questions he was asked THAT HE HAD APPROVED IN ADVANCE; has severe ragey aggressive tendencies with no capability for remorse, self-awareness or humility; got a tattoo of a battered woman on his neck and who dressed up as a member of the Taliban for Halloween. I mean...

Woah woah woah easy Twi-Hards. I'm not trying to hurt you. I don't actually even hate Kristen Stewart. In fact, I'm kind of loving how badass she has been looking lately. And I loooove Robert Pattinson, pretty intensely even. I just think Robsten has reached the end of its due course. Rob needs to ditch her and find himself a new awesome girlfriend (ooooh like Lizzie Olsen!) and stop looking like such a pussy. Honestly, he was totally winning this battle with his brilliant performance on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He nailed it. Now he's just undone all his good work by taking her back. Similarly, I think she has outgrown her co-star. She needs someone edgier and badass and good for gossip. Or become a lesbian. Seriously. That would be amazing. I'm not even kidding right now, please let this happen.

And I'm not just saying all this because now I know someone who knows someone who knows R-Pattz and therefore I am pretty much almost dating him.

To have a job where I can watch awards shows all day long

OH WAIT dreams CAN come true because that's exactly what I did today. I started a real big girl job last week but don't you worry possums, I will still find time to blog. Especially about inane wonderful joys such as television awards shows WHICH I CAN WATCH FROM MY DESK. I know, living the dream, I am doing it. Also, I just got my last pay from my old job and bought 6 things from Asos. Don't hate.

Anyway onto some bitches in dresses am I right, am I right? I'm not right - they are beautiful, wonderful, elegant ladies made all the more so as they bask in the glow of my flawless Queen, Amy Poehler. Well, some of them are beautiful and others are prime examples of what one likes to call a 'hot mess'.

Alas, as I WAS at work today and indeed, actually doing work while watching, I didn't catch some of the finer details of the event. i.e. who designed what dress, and who made craptacular acceptance speeches that made you cringe with glee. But don't worry, I gleaned the important stuff. And by that I mean fashion.

The 'so bad it hurts my eyes' sea of disappointments 

First and foremost, props for the pops of colour. I know my main complaint is the beige sparkly sea of blah that these events are so often comprised off, but damn if you're gonna wear bright citrus yellow do it right or go home.

Aw I love you Claire Danes but this is a mess of a pregnancy gown. For future reference see Blanchett, Cate.

Oh Heidi. Heidi, Heidi, Heidi. Always with the harsh smoky eye makeup. Please try a softer eye and a bright lip beauty combo. You would be crazy amazed at the wonderful effect it would have on your whole blonde, tanned being. Trust.

Oh, this one hurts. Julianne, I ADORE you and am thrilled to pieces that you won but I just can't with this. It's sort of ill-fitting, the high neck and sleeves feel constricting, and there needs to be some other detail that differentiates this dress. It is a very one-note dress. But gosh, your face (and hair!) is breathtaking. Love.

Yet another yellow gown and yet another disappointment. This was almost a win for Julie Bowen because I did truly love the colour on her, but the scary frizzy hair and harsh smoky makeup tipped this one in the ugly side of the scale. So close. Oh and it's taffeta. 

I know, I know. Christina 'Great Personality' Hendricks is a goddess. A sexy, womanly goddess wearing a dress that hugs her in all the right places. But what the fuck is that belt. Also, I want to see her in a colour. She is fast becoming a pastel/blah repeat offender. 

I like Elisabeth Moss' hair here, and appreciate the effort and again, this was almost a win but...it's all in the detail. She looks uncomfortable and the bottom is a bit too flamenco-y for such a strong, dramatic print. Great, great hair and beauty though.

What the hell. What a sea foam nightmare. Impeccable tailoring of an awful, mermaid mess. Can't stand Julianne Hough, can't stand this tragic dress. It's like a 5-year-old's dream Miss Universe outfit. Gross. Totally offensive.

OH MY GOD KRISTEN WIIG. HOW DARE YOU KEEP DISAPPOINTING ME LIKE THIS. ANOTHER BEIGE BLAH NIGHTMARE? I DON'T CARE IF IT'S BALENCIAGA, HOW MANY TIMES WILL YOU DO THIS TO ME? DON'T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU? YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. YOU ARE BANGING FABRIZIO MORETTI FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. Oh my god.

Unlike my lovely Kristen Wiig, I could care less about Zooey Deschanel. I am so not on the bandwagon. I find her cutesy-ness nauseating and I just don't get it I guess. Gross. I find her so overwhelmingly gag-worthy. Ditto for this dress.

The 'so good I want to take them behind a middle school and get them pregnant' standout delights in a realm of mediocrity

Some old favourites who don't disappoint and some pleasant surprises. When these lovely ladies do it well, they do it very, very well. Much to the delight of my eyes and resulting in many silent happy claps at my desk.

Ahhhh, Ginnifer Goodwin. Possibly my favourite of the night. What a standout. I loooove her and I love when she goes a bit dramatic and I loved this dress when I saw it. Gorgeous.

Hmm. I was toying with the idea of putting this in the VOM category because, let's face it, the dress is defs vommy, but goddamn look at that body. Who cares. Why even bother critiquing her? 

HOLY HELL. Look at my girl T-Fey! In COLOUR! In a gorgeous, well-tailored, coloured gown! So great to have her back at her stunning best after that Carolina Herrera fiasco at the Oscars. Sublime.

Mrs. Coach! Look, it's not the most exciting gown I've ever seen on the red carpet, but she looks stupendous. And she hasn't fucked up a normal dress with some weirdo kooky element like she usually does. Definitely a win for Mrs Tami Taylor. 

What a beautiful, ethereal dress on Emily van Camp. I do like this kind of thing. Well done lady. 

SHOSH!!!! LOOK AT SHOSHANNA! AND LENA DUNHAM! I am downright shocked. Amaze-balls. Woah.

As much of a douche as she is, damn, I can't ever hate on January Jones' sartorial choices. Ever since that electric blue Versace number (I know, I'll never let it go) she has never failed to delight me. This is a fabulously dramatic black moment, and her slicked back ginger hair and perfect makeup...sigh. She's a bitch but she's an impeccably presented bitch. Can't hate.

Wolf-whistle. Drool. Howl. Whatever. Kat Dennings is a sexy, gorgeous lady and for once, I really like how she's styled. It's all so...right. The dress looked great from the side, her boobies were a wonder and that face...swoon. So beautiful.

HALLELUJAH! Melissa McCarthy in a flattering, well-fitting gown! I am speechless! And awed! What a difference decent tailoring makes. And what a kick-ass clutch. You win this round Sookie.

Awe, Mindy Kaling. What a fab colour this is on you. Understated, but beautiful because it hasn't been fucked up by ugly embellishments or accessories. Wonderfully simple and elegant. 

Look it's My Girl! She made me feel very old today but she deserves props because she looked so pretty. I can't believe it's Veda.

Holy crap. This Emilia Clarke person from Game of Thrones is positively resplendent in Chanel. Such an exquisite dress on such a gorgeous girl, I have yet to see for quite some time. I really, really like the slash of deep purple and her understated makeup. How pretty!

Am I strange for liking this? I don't care, I like this Antonio Berardi dress on Nic Kidman. I feel like she's had a lot of misses lately and this one is vaguely reminiscent of the acid yellow Galliano gown she wore to the Oscars in 1997. I think it's the structure. Anyway, she can have this one.

The goddess herself, Miss Amy Poehler. Well there's a way to publicly debut after a (very sad) public divorce. As much as my heart aches for this ex-union of Poehler + Arnett, if she looks this spectacular post-split, I guess she's happy? I mean, she's glowing. I might be sadder about this split than the people in question are. Awwwe. And of course, lots of funny was to be had during the nominations for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy. It's always Amy's idea and it's always hilarious. I adore you, oh faultless Queen. 

And just like that, another red carpet is done and dusted again. Until next time my loves x

Kristen Stewart v World

I know, how did I wait so long to blog about this? To be honest, I was kind of keen to watch it play out and see if it would go how I thought it would go. And it did. Sometimes, I hate being right.

Kristen Stewart is being overwhelmingly vilified as a trampy, slutty, evil whore and definitely copping the worst judgment. Like out-of-control crazy judgment from everybody and everywhere. It is not just because she is the more famous of the guilty parties. That is bullshit.

Rupert Sanders, the director and Kristen's superior, was married and the father of two young children and is now getting divorced. He is the most likely candidate to direct the sequel to 'Snow White and the Huntsman' and Kristen Stewart has been fired. Sanders has also signed on to a new project regarding a crime novel adaptation.

Robert Pattinson has, quite rightly, received outpourings of public support and presented himself brilliantly now that he's making appearances. Maybe he should never get a publicist because he is charming and funny and wonderful and has never looked better. His Jon Stewart interview was perfect. I feel bad for him and I adore him always, but he will be okay and his career will climb to even greater heights. Good. I'm so glad because he so deserves it. L-o-v-e.

Now, let me state that I think cheating is wrong. It is a shit and cowardly way to get out of a relationship that maybe you wanted to get out of. Doing it in daylight, in public, and being very famous is a very stupid way to get caught. It. Is. So. Dumb. Kristen Stewart is a dumb 22-year-old for doing it and for ruining her relationship with her boyfriend. DUUUUMMMBBBB.

BUT. Rupert Sanders is 42, her director, and married with two kids. Married. As in, he made a vow and commitment to his WIFE. In my opinion, he did the dirtier deed here and is definitely the biggest asshole douchebag in this whole scenario. And yet his career is blossoming (pre-SWATH he directed commercials, now he's getting rights to big-ass new developments) and he seems to have escaped everybody's wrath.

So, seriously, why is everybody coming down so hard on Kristen Stewart? As much as I loathe defending her right now (and I do), I just think the hatred and venom she has been receiving is insane and yes, unfair. Oh but it's not just the Twi-Hards either who are pissed at the grungy surly girl with straggly hair who broke Edward Cullen's heart, it's overwhelming from all sides.

Kristen Stewart is the scapegoat for the vanilla mainstream majority who need to differentiate themselves from the bad girl adulteress and who strongly identify with the Jennifer Annistons of the world (side note: how happy am I that Jenny is engaged? Crazy, out of this world ecstatic. LOVE her and Justin! Bring on the race to the alter! Bring on the wedding showdown! Bring on the baby bump!!!!!). The problem for K-Stew is that Angelina Jolie's image was a bit more salvageable - after all, adultery is more easily forgiven if the two naughty parties end up together and therefore it was about 'love' i.e. an uncontrollable force between two soulmates (see: Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig; Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied; Julia Roberts and Danny Moder. Compare to: Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe - her career never quite recovered from the scandal and he won an Oscar).

So.

I don't believe Kristen is being judged in the spotlight and vilified to the extreme because she is the more famous of the cheaters. She is being punished because she is a woman and she was already thought of as a bitch by other women. Also, she doesn't have blonde hair and a sparkling smile. She did cheat on her boyfriend and she did ruin their relationship, but I don't think she needs to be castrated just yet. Rupert Sanders on the other hand, well, he broke up a family.

For further insightful reading, click here:
http://www.laineygossip.com/Articles/Details/24348/Lisa-Ling-calls-out-Kristen-Stewart-on-Twitter

And here:
http://www.laineygossip.com/Articles/Details/24347/Rupert-Sanders-career-not-affected-by-Kristen-Stewart-cheating-scandal

VaJohnny

Sigh. VaJohnny is no more. It's a day I hoped would never come (I even wrote a blog about it http://wantwantwant-want.blogspot.com.au/2010/05/celeb-couples-i-never-want-to-break-up.html).

While I have never particularly liked Vanessa Paradis because she seems cold and kind of bitchy, to be honest, I always thought she and Johnny were a perfect couple. And by that I mean perfect for each other. Johnny himself has said that he is not the perfect boyfriend but "the perfect boyfriend for Vanessa" and thus they had two beautiful children and were happy. Shit, they had their own private island and a chateau in France, of course they were happy.

But now they've split and my love for Johnny has also (shockingly) regressed. This is somebody who I believed was categorically perfect. Inconceivably gorgeous and so, so, so talented. The fact that my gushing obsession has diminished in any way, shape or form is something I never thought possible.

Now, everything I loved about JD (his eccentricity, his adoring relationship with Vanessa, his quirky movie roles) is everything that pisses me off about him! His 'eccentricity' feels contrived and forced (just how long does it take him to string 38 chains around his neck?), the mother of his children and partner of 14 years is no longer enough for him (he apparently stepped out on her with his publicist, Robin Baum) and he keeps making the same shit movies over and over again (how many times can you phone in the same character in the same Tim Burton/Disney film and continue to be such a Hollywood powerhouse?).

Sigh. But Johnny Depp is such a fucking cash cow his career will continue on, unfettered. He will keep making millions and millions and millions because that's all he cares about now and the one thing that was grounding him is no more. I worry for the newly single Johnny Depp who reportedly spent much of the filming period for 'The Tourist' getting drunk with his mates.

'Wino forever': dodgy regrettable tattoo or unintentional scary prophecy?

I'll always remember this quote of his about the first time they met: "We met briefly years ago. I remember thinking, 'Ouch.' It was just hello, but the contact was electric. That was in 1993. It wasn't until 1998, when I went to do the Polanski film The Ninth Gate and was in the lobby of the hotel, getting messages. I turned around and across the lobby saw this back. She had on a dress with an exposed back. I thought, 'Wow.' Suddenly the back turned and she looked at me. I walked right over and there were those eyes again. I knew it was her. She asked, 'Do you remember me?' I said, 'Oh, yeah.' We had a drink and it was over at that point. I knew I was in big trouble."

And: "As a person, I was pretty much a lost cause at that point of my life. She turned all that around for me with her incredible tenderness and understanding. Very quickly, I realised I couldn't live without her."

Awe and I just found this interview thing where she talks about what she loves about him: http://www.inadepptrance.com/Quotes-AA-Vanessa.htm Definitely two people who were made for each other. SAD, RIGHT?

Joan's face

If you've got the 'Mad Men' bug/have a human pulse you're probably a bit in love with Joan. She is a total sex-bomb. Which you know, because you have eyes. And if you don't, I'm sure you can feel her sexy energy radiating at you from your computer screen. But guess what? You too can look like Joan! You CAN. If you want to feel a bit extra sexy-pouty today, Joan-ify your makeup and you'll be struttin' in time.

Makeup is so fun. It really really is. And if you, like most of my gorgeous lady-friends, rely heavily on a pencil eyeliner/mascara/foundation uniform, you should try something different every now and then. If you want. I mean, I'm just saying, sometimes dressing up and changing your face a bit makes you feel so much better. And I'm going to tell you how to do this.


The inspiration: 

The tools: 

Lancome Hypnose mascara (or Maybelline Falsies)

Sephora cheek and lip stain (any will do - The Body Shop does a great one, as does Benefit)

Rimmel Exaggerate liquid eyeliner

Benefit Boi-ing concealer

 Napoleon China Doll foundation

Laura Mercier lipstick in 'Mistress'

The Method:

Relax, it's easy I promise, don't run away because of the liquid eyeliner (it's optional anyway). Also, it's wicked-long coz I bang on a bit, not coz that's how many things you have to do. Stay with me. 

1. Moisturise and prime your face. I don't care what you use, I'm not a product Nazi with the ultimate opinion on everything. Your preference totally counts too. Hah, but seriously, I like First Aid Beauty Repair Day Cream and Laura Mercier foundation primer. In case you were wondering. Don't forget to prime your eyelids too. Laura Mercier does a great one or go for the famous Urban Decay eye primer.

2. Apply your foundation all over your face, including eyelids. While I normally rock Chanel's Vitalumiere Aqua on a daily basis, Napoleon's China Doll (or any other similarly matte foundation) will do a better job for this look. You will also greatly benefit from a flawless base here. Take care of your skin. Or at least make it look flawless. 

3. Go back and conceal what needs to be given a little TLC. Boi-ing is a great concealer because it covers blemishes ('heinous pimples') like a dream AND can be used under the delicate eye area. Also, it's important to eradicate any redness/capillaries because the lippy is a reddy-pink-coral and will highlight any red/pink tinges in your skin so you want them gone. 

4. If you want to liquid-line your eyes, now is the time. I personally prefer a felt-tip pen-type liner, but if you like gel + brush application you may also do that. Keep it close to the lash line, make the line a bit thicker above the centre of your pupil, and extend out to complete the flick. Use sticky tape (extending out from your lower lash line) to help keep the line straight if you want.

5. If you choose not to line your eyes (very pretty daytime look) apply mascara now, like a demon. 

6. Grab a cheek stain (or any berry-coral-etc coloured blush you can find; a stain just looks really clean and flawless) and apply a thin line to your cheek - use fingertips to LIGHTLY blend it into the skin. Apply again if need be, but you're just going for a soft flush so you don't look dead.

7. FACT: This is the EXACT lipstick worn by Christina Hendricks/Joan on MM. Tap your finger on the end of your lipstick and press the colour into your lips with your fingertip. This kind of application warms up the product on your skin so it really melts in and stays there. Once you have a sort of soft-stained effect you can leave it be and start your day, or you can apply another coat directly with the lipstick for a more 'done' look.

And then you're done. Seriously. How easy. I bet you look pretty. 

Beyonce wins the Met Gala

Ahhh, the Met Gala, the greatest red carpet event of the year. Better than all of them rolled into one. A time for fashion as opposed to 'pretty' and celeb-friendly. An opportunity for all our faves to don their most fabulous and interesting ensembles and one-up each other. Fuck it LET'S LOOK AT THE DRESSES.

PARTICIPATION AWARDS (even simply for entertainment purposes)

Most fucking ugly: SJP. Valentino it may be, but grandma's ill-fitting curtains is what it looks like. FAIL.

Most tragic: Coco Rocha. Gurl, are you just playing coz you such a babe? Otherwise, I don't get it.

Most relieving: Chloe Sevigny. I don't give a shit what Chloe wears to be honest, as long as it's pretty weird and she is owning it. You rock that MiuMiu honey.

Most BLAH and SHIT and TRY-HARD: Jessica Biel and her cheating douche, I mean fiancee, Justin Timberlake. I hate that fringe. I hate all of it. What is that hem?

Most delightful: Amy Adams. Oh well done, pretty lady with your Veronica Lake waves, stunning red lips and perfectly tailored Giambatista Valli. Hearts and kisses.

Most fierce: Anna Wintour. Duhhh. I couldn't find a pic of her without the fur shawl (which is great anyway) but the dress was quite pretty, if I remember correctly. That gold thing went around her body. Could only have been improved with a splash of blood thrown by PETA. Ah well.

Most disappointing: Diane Kruger. This is only ok if it turns out she's pregnant with Pacey Witter's offspring.

Most acceptable: Emma Stone. I don't know? I liked it more yesterday. I wish it had...something else. Another exciting element? If it was exactly like that, but longer, as opposed to babydoll?

Most dumb: Florence Welch. I am not on the Florence bandwagon and as such, I cannot get down with this. I mean...I get it...I'm sure some people are dying over it. It's McQueen, it's over-the-top, it should work. But it doesn't on her.

Most pitiful: Gisele Bundchen. I know, she's spectacular. It's Givenchy, it's STUNNING, she looks SICK, Tom Brady looks hot (apart from his hair - what is that? what's happening?) she thought she had it in the bag...and then Beyonce turned up. Goddamn. She just lost her own personal Superbowl with seconds left in the game. Tough break this year guys. Go back and wallow in your perfect little existence.

Most insulting: Kristen Stewart. Bitch, you are wearing Balenciaga, you are not worthy as it is. Then you turn up with that hair, that stance and I want to slap yo damn ass. Perk up and rock it, or wear an LBD.

Most surprising (bad): Gwyneth Paltrow. I can't even...Someone on twitter wrote that it looked like Gwynnie was on her way to the gyno - in space. I agree. Her body looks amazing, as always, her legs go on for days, but from the side-boob to the ill-fitting heavy material, this was a bomb for Goopy.

Most annoyingly good: Rooney Mara. Fuck. I loathe Rooney with a passion and yet I can't fight my urge to embrace this dress. It's great, isn't it? Would be better on somebody else though, who didn't half-heartedly stand pigeon-toed in one position.

Most ugly supermodel: Anja Rubik. Oh Anja. I can't believe I'm saying this to my second-favourite hot babe lesbian supermodel but you look a mess. Eat a steak, take the sheet off and find a proper dress honey.

Most undecided: Cameron Diaz. I don't know if I'm down or not. It's inoffensive, it's a great colour on her, she's covered up for once, but is it too loose? And her hair is bad. If people are referencing "There's Something About Mary", it's bad.

 BEST Supermodel: Jessica Stam. OH MY GOD, I DIE. This is perfection. The pose, the giant 'fuck off' she has written on her forehead (with 'I'm the shit' in parentheses), the elaborate bodice...I bow down to the gorgeous Jessica. Beautiful.

Most wtf: Kirsten Dunst. Oh Kiki, what happened?!? You usually nail the red carpet! I even like your weirdo choices! But this is just ugly and boring! And a bad, bad colour. That is a very unflattering red and it clashes with the carpet too. No points.

Most surprising (good): Rosario Dawson. Wow. Where did you come from in your perfectly tailored leather?? I love a leather dress anyway, but this one is also floor-length, superbly fitted, and covering a tight body. Well done.

BEST EVER EVER

No surprise here, Cate Blanchett knocked it out of the park, out of the Upper East Side, out of the goddamn city. Flawless, as usual. And yet I never get sick of how perfect she is. I am always amazed.

Oh well done January Jones. Look at you in colour! In yellow!!! I don't even know what I like about it so much. I think it's the tailoring. I'm really into tailoring right now. Also, bitchface as she is, I am predisposed to liking everything Betty Draper wears ever since I saw her rock that electric blue Armani number (Google it if you don't know what I'm talking about - still incredible).

Marc Jacobs. In a lace see-through dress. There's nothing else to say.

Rihanna in Tom Ford is a vision, no? I gasped when I saw her. And I appreciate that she didn't mess with her face and ruin everything. She's so beautiful, I love when she looks like this. Who am I kidding, I love her always.

Carey Mulligan!!! Oh, sooooo beautiful. SO gorgeous, SO unexpected, SO spectacular. This was my favourite all night until this next bitch rocked up...

I mean...what is there to say? Does this need justification? Are any words that could aptly describe this? It took me a while to even realise there were purple feathers on it, I was so blinded by everything else, and then I almost passed out from the exquisiteness of what was happening. Beyonce in sheer, corseted Givenchy, mere months after giving birth - it sounds too much to ask for, doesn't it? So I shan't say anything else about it, I shall simply praise her on bended knee while I gaze at her adoringly. I don't know what we mere mortals did to deserve this gift, but I am grateful.

And that's it, another Met Gala done and dusted for the year. NOW what do we look forward to?