Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Beyonce wins the Met Gala

Ahhh, the Met Gala, the greatest red carpet event of the year. Better than all of them rolled into one. A time for fashion as opposed to 'pretty' and celeb-friendly. An opportunity for all our faves to don their most fabulous and interesting ensembles and one-up each other. Fuck it LET'S LOOK AT THE DRESSES.

PARTICIPATION AWARDS (even simply for entertainment purposes)

Most fucking ugly: SJP. Valentino it may be, but grandma's ill-fitting curtains is what it looks like. FAIL.

Most tragic: Coco Rocha. Gurl, are you just playing coz you such a babe? Otherwise, I don't get it.

Most relieving: Chloe Sevigny. I don't give a shit what Chloe wears to be honest, as long as it's pretty weird and she is owning it. You rock that MiuMiu honey.

Most BLAH and SHIT and TRY-HARD: Jessica Biel and her cheating douche, I mean fiancee, Justin Timberlake. I hate that fringe. I hate all of it. What is that hem?

Most delightful: Amy Adams. Oh well done, pretty lady with your Veronica Lake waves, stunning red lips and perfectly tailored Giambatista Valli. Hearts and kisses.

Most fierce: Anna Wintour. Duhhh. I couldn't find a pic of her without the fur shawl (which is great anyway) but the dress was quite pretty, if I remember correctly. That gold thing went around her body. Could only have been improved with a splash of blood thrown by PETA. Ah well.

Most disappointing: Diane Kruger. This is only ok if it turns out she's pregnant with Pacey Witter's offspring.

Most acceptable: Emma Stone. I don't know? I liked it more yesterday. I wish it had...something else. Another exciting element? If it was exactly like that, but longer, as opposed to babydoll?

Most dumb: Florence Welch. I am not on the Florence bandwagon and as such, I cannot get down with this. I mean...I get it...I'm sure some people are dying over it. It's McQueen, it's over-the-top, it should work. But it doesn't on her.

Most pitiful: Gisele Bundchen. I know, she's spectacular. It's Givenchy, it's STUNNING, she looks SICK, Tom Brady looks hot (apart from his hair - what is that? what's happening?) she thought she had it in the bag...and then Beyonce turned up. Goddamn. She just lost her own personal Superbowl with seconds left in the game. Tough break this year guys. Go back and wallow in your perfect little existence.

Most insulting: Kristen Stewart. Bitch, you are wearing Balenciaga, you are not worthy as it is. Then you turn up with that hair, that stance and I want to slap yo damn ass. Perk up and rock it, or wear an LBD.

Most surprising (bad): Gwyneth Paltrow. I can't even...Someone on twitter wrote that it looked like Gwynnie was on her way to the gyno - in space. I agree. Her body looks amazing, as always, her legs go on for days, but from the side-boob to the ill-fitting heavy material, this was a bomb for Goopy.

Most annoyingly good: Rooney Mara. Fuck. I loathe Rooney with a passion and yet I can't fight my urge to embrace this dress. It's great, isn't it? Would be better on somebody else though, who didn't half-heartedly stand pigeon-toed in one position.

Most ugly supermodel: Anja Rubik. Oh Anja. I can't believe I'm saying this to my second-favourite hot babe lesbian supermodel but you look a mess. Eat a steak, take the sheet off and find a proper dress honey.

Most undecided: Cameron Diaz. I don't know if I'm down or not. It's inoffensive, it's a great colour on her, she's covered up for once, but is it too loose? And her hair is bad. If people are referencing "There's Something About Mary", it's bad.

 BEST Supermodel: Jessica Stam. OH MY GOD, I DIE. This is perfection. The pose, the giant 'fuck off' she has written on her forehead (with 'I'm the shit' in parentheses), the elaborate bodice...I bow down to the gorgeous Jessica. Beautiful.

Most wtf: Kirsten Dunst. Oh Kiki, what happened?!? You usually nail the red carpet! I even like your weirdo choices! But this is just ugly and boring! And a bad, bad colour. That is a very unflattering red and it clashes with the carpet too. No points.

Most surprising (good): Rosario Dawson. Wow. Where did you come from in your perfectly tailored leather?? I love a leather dress anyway, but this one is also floor-length, superbly fitted, and covering a tight body. Well done.


No surprise here, Cate Blanchett knocked it out of the park, out of the Upper East Side, out of the goddamn city. Flawless, as usual. And yet I never get sick of how perfect she is. I am always amazed.

Oh well done January Jones. Look at you in colour! In yellow!!! I don't even know what I like about it so much. I think it's the tailoring. I'm really into tailoring right now. Also, bitchface as she is, I am predisposed to liking everything Betty Draper wears ever since I saw her rock that electric blue Armani number (Google it if you don't know what I'm talking about - still incredible).

Marc Jacobs. In a lace see-through dress. There's nothing else to say.

Rihanna in Tom Ford is a vision, no? I gasped when I saw her. And I appreciate that she didn't mess with her face and ruin everything. She's so beautiful, I love when she looks like this. Who am I kidding, I love her always.

Carey Mulligan!!! Oh, sooooo beautiful. SO gorgeous, SO unexpected, SO spectacular. This was my favourite all night until this next bitch rocked up...

I mean...what is there to say? Does this need justification? Are any words that could aptly describe this? It took me a while to even realise there were purple feathers on it, I was so blinded by everything else, and then I almost passed out from the exquisiteness of what was happening. Beyonce in sheer, corseted Givenchy, mere months after giving birth - it sounds too much to ask for, doesn't it? So I shan't say anything else about it, I shall simply praise her on bended knee while I gaze at her adoringly. I don't know what we mere mortals did to deserve this gift, but I am grateful.

And that's it, another Met Gala done and dusted for the year. NOW what do we look forward to?

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