Monday, November 5, 2012

Grant my wishes oh holy Gossip Genie pt1

You guys. You guys. What is happening with the celeb world? Ryan Reynolds MARRIED Boobs Legsly, Ryan Gosling is STILL banging Eva Mendes, Heidi and Seal broke up and Robsten remains unbroken?! What the hellllll is going on.

You know, my prayers to Gossip Genie have occasionally been answered in the past. Lea Michelle and Cory Monteith got together after I wrote my blog on 'celeb couples I think should get together' (so that he could calm her ass down and demonstrate his nice Canadian-ness on her) and Jakey G ditched Swifty as soon I posted about how shit she was and how many more viable options there were for him out there (I even included dude options, because, let's face it, Jake Gyllenhaal is without a doubt the infamous Toothy Tile So it's not like this doesn't work sometimes.

As the celeb world has indeed gone so batshit insane, we need to pray together to Gossip Genie to make it a better place. In my first instalment we visit celeb couples who nobody is rooting for.

Break these dumb bitches the fuck up
Seriously, these hot messes have gone too far. It's time they were stopped in their tracks and given a rude awakening i.e. everybody hates them (together).

Oh Ryan. Ryan, Ryan, Ryan. You were once in my top 5. TOP 5. My Berg, my love, what has happened to you? You were taken in by some fake tits, scraggy blonde hair and some home-baked cupcakes??? For shame. You know, at first I was pretty upset for you when your marriage with Scarjo ended. But then you hooked up with Boobs Legsly here and I remembered your sketchy romantic past. Engaged to Rachel Leigh Cook (no marriage), engaged to Alanis Morisette (long engagement, no marriage), engaged to ScarJo (quiet, short-lived marriage) and now this. There's a common denominator here. Boobs Legsly is all-round foul, but you actually had promise. You've done this to yourself. But maybe there's still hope? Cut the bad shit from your life boy.

Kanye, don't you look at Jay Z and Beyonce and think "Awe, that's what I want"? You hang out with the two coolest, most talented, well-matched people on the planet and you bring this to the table? Ideally, Gossip Genie, Kanye is actually a closeted homosexual and I will only forgive him his terrible taste in women if my friend Huna and I are correct in our estimation that Kanye is indeed Frank Ocean's first love, who he so eloquently wrote about here: (fact: they worked on an album together around this time, I think).

WAKE UP MILA! IT'S NOT TOO LATE FOR YOU! PINCH YOURSELF YOU'RE IN A NIGHTMARE THIS CAN BE THE ONLY EXPLANATION FOR THE GROSSNESS INVOLVED WITH RIDING THIS DOUCHE WAKE UPPPPPP! Credible alternative: Russell Brand. Failing that, maybe Mila and Macauley Culkin should get back together because ever since they broke up...well, I've been worried about him.

Kourtney, I don't actually hate you. You're no Khloe, but I actually kind of like you. Ditch the dick.

Compare the above images. Who would you rather Ryan Gosling going home to at night? If it can't be you, wouldn't you rather he was romancing the pants off the adorable, endearing, crazy-talented Carey Mulligan? Don't you wish she'd ditch her gross Mumford husband and Ryan would ditch the old lady (an on-set affair that has carried on far too long) and the two would look at these pictures of themselves on the internet and be like "DAMN we are so cute together, I wanna tap that all day!" I actually really, really want for this to happen. GOSSIP GENIE PLEASE LISTEN TO ME AND DON'T LET THE GOS GO AS FAR AS VAN WILDER AND MAKE US HATE HIM, DON'T DO IT.

Now, obviously I want Rihanna to stay the fuck away from Chris Brown and not be back together with him. But more importantly, I want Chris Brown to go die in a fire and disappear off the face of the Earth. I genuinely do not understand how a human being so vile can still have a) fans; b) people that defend him, c) people that don't really see the big deal and are sort of apathetic about him. All of these people worry me. This is a man who violently beat up his girlfriend, leaving her for dead on a highway, then went partying after his court hearing; went on a rage-fueled bender and smashed a window after his GMA interview because he didn't like the questions he was asked THAT HE HAD APPROVED IN ADVANCE; has severe ragey aggressive tendencies with no capability for remorse, self-awareness or humility; got a tattoo of a battered woman on his neck and who dressed up as a member of the Taliban for Halloween. I mean...

Woah woah woah easy Twi-Hards. I'm not trying to hurt you. I don't actually even hate Kristen Stewart. In fact, I'm kind of loving how badass she has been looking lately. And I loooove Robert Pattinson, pretty intensely even. I just think Robsten has reached the end of its due course. Rob needs to ditch her and find himself a new awesome girlfriend (ooooh like Lizzie Olsen!) and stop looking like such a pussy. Honestly, he was totally winning this battle with his brilliant performance on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He nailed it. Now he's just undone all his good work by taking her back. Similarly, I think she has outgrown her co-star. She needs someone edgier and badass and good for gossip. Or become a lesbian. Seriously. That would be amazing. I'm not even kidding right now, please let this happen.

And I'm not just saying all this because now I know someone who knows someone who knows R-Pattz and therefore I am pretty much almost dating him.

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