Anyway onto some bitches in dresses am I right, am I right? I'm not right - they are beautiful, wonderful, elegant ladies made all the more so as they bask in the glow of my flawless Queen, Amy Poehler. Well, some of them are beautiful and others are prime examples of what one likes to call a 'hot mess'.
Alas, as I WAS at work today and indeed, actually doing work while watching, I didn't catch some of the finer details of the event. i.e. who designed what dress, and who made craptacular acceptance speeches that made you cringe with glee. But don't worry, I gleaned the important stuff. And by that I mean fashion.
The 'so bad it hurts my eyes' sea of disappointments
First and foremost, props for the pops of colour. I know my main complaint is the beige sparkly sea of blah that these events are so often comprised off, but damn if you're gonna wear bright citrus yellow do it right or go home.
Aw I love you Claire Danes but this is a mess of a pregnancy gown. For future reference see Blanchett, Cate.
Oh Heidi. Heidi, Heidi, Heidi. Always with the harsh smoky eye makeup. Please try a softer eye and a bright lip beauty combo. You would be crazy amazed at the wonderful effect it would have on your whole blonde, tanned being. Trust.
Oh, this one hurts. Julianne, I ADORE you and am thrilled to pieces that you won but I just can't with this. It's sort of ill-fitting, the high neck and sleeves feel constricting, and there needs to be some other detail that differentiates this dress. It is a very one-note dress. But gosh, your face (and hair!) is breathtaking. Love.
Yet another yellow gown and yet another disappointment. This was almost a win for Julie Bowen because I did truly love the colour on her, but the scary frizzy hair and harsh smoky makeup tipped this one in the ugly side of the scale. So close. Oh and it's taffeta.
I know, I know. Christina 'Great Personality' Hendricks is a goddess. A sexy, womanly goddess wearing a dress that hugs her in all the right places. But what the fuck is that belt. Also, I want to see her in a colour. She is fast becoming a pastel/blah repeat offender.
I like Elisabeth Moss' hair here, and appreciate the effort and again, this was almost a win but...it's all in the detail. She looks uncomfortable and the bottom is a bit too flamenco-y for such a strong, dramatic print. Great, great hair and beauty though.
What the hell. What a sea foam nightmare. Impeccable tailoring of an awful, mermaid mess. Can't stand Julianne Hough, can't stand this tragic dress. It's like a 5-year-old's dream Miss Universe outfit. Gross. Totally offensive.
OH MY GOD KRISTEN WIIG. HOW DARE YOU KEEP DISAPPOINTING ME LIKE THIS. ANOTHER BEIGE BLAH NIGHTMARE? I DON'T CARE IF IT'S BALENCIAGA, HOW MANY TIMES WILL YOU DO THIS TO ME? DON'T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU? YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. YOU ARE BANGING FABRIZIO MORETTI FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. Oh my god.
Unlike my lovely Kristen Wiig, I could care less about Zooey Deschanel. I am so not on the bandwagon. I find her cutesy-ness nauseating and I just don't get it I guess. Gross. I find her so overwhelmingly gag-worthy. Ditto for this dress.
The 'so good I want to take them behind a middle school and get them pregnant' standout delights in a realm of mediocrity
Some old favourites who don't disappoint and some pleasant surprises. When these lovely ladies do it well, they do it very, very well. Much to the delight of my eyes and resulting in many silent happy claps at my desk.
Ahhhh, Ginnifer Goodwin. Possibly my favourite of the night. What a standout. I loooove her and I love when she goes a bit dramatic and I loved this dress when I saw it. Gorgeous.
Hmm. I was toying with the idea of putting this in the VOM category because, let's face it, the dress is defs vommy, but goddamn look at that body. Who cares. Why even bother critiquing her?
HOLY HELL. Look at my girl T-Fey! In COLOUR! In a gorgeous, well-tailored, coloured gown! So great to have her back at her stunning best after that Carolina Herrera fiasco at the Oscars. Sublime.
Mrs. Coach! Look, it's not the most exciting gown I've ever seen on the red carpet, but she looks stupendous. And she hasn't fucked up a normal dress with some weirdo kooky element like she usually does. Definitely a win for Mrs Tami Taylor.
What a beautiful, ethereal dress on Emily van Camp. I do like this kind of thing. Well done lady.
SHOSH!!!! LOOK AT SHOSHANNA! AND LENA DUNHAM! I am downright shocked. Amaze-balls. Woah.
As much of a douche as she is, damn, I can't ever hate on January Jones' sartorial choices. Ever since that electric blue Versace number (I know, I'll never let it go) she has never failed to delight me. This is a fabulously dramatic black moment, and her slicked back ginger hair and perfect makeup...sigh. She's a bitch but she's an impeccably presented bitch. Can't hate.
Wolf-whistle. Drool. Howl. Whatever. Kat Dennings is a sexy, gorgeous lady and for once, I really like how she's styled. It's all so...right. The dress looked great from the side, her boobies were a wonder and that face...swoon. So beautiful.
HALLELUJAH! Melissa McCarthy in a flattering, well-fitting gown! I am speechless! And awed! What a difference decent tailoring makes. And what a kick-ass clutch. You win this round Sookie.
Awe, Mindy Kaling. What a fab colour this is on you. Understated, but beautiful because it hasn't been fucked up by ugly embellishments or accessories. Wonderfully simple and elegant.
Look it's My Girl! She made me feel very old today but she deserves props because she looked so pretty. I can't believe it's Veda.
Holy crap. This Emilia Clarke person from Game of Thrones is positively resplendent in Chanel. Such an exquisite dress on such a gorgeous girl, I have yet to see for quite some time. I really, really like the slash of deep purple and her understated makeup. How pretty!
Am I strange for liking this? I don't care, I like this Antonio Berardi dress on Nic Kidman. I feel like she's had a lot of misses lately and this one is vaguely reminiscent of the acid yellow Galliano gown she wore to the Oscars in 1997. I think it's the structure. Anyway, she can have this one.
The goddess herself, Miss Amy Poehler. Well there's a way to publicly debut after a (very sad) public divorce. As much as my heart aches for this ex-union of Poehler + Arnett, if she looks this spectacular post-split, I guess she's happy? I mean, she's glowing. I might be sadder about this split than the people in question are. Awwwe. And of course, lots of funny was to be had during the nominations for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy. It's always Amy's idea and it's always hilarious. I adore you, oh faultless Queen.
And just like that, another red carpet is done and dusted again. Until next time my loves x