Joan's face

If you've got the 'Mad Men' bug/have a human pulse you're probably a bit in love with Joan. She is a total sex-bomb. Which you know, because you have eyes. And if you don't, I'm sure you can feel her sexy energy radiating at you from your computer screen. But guess what? You too can look like Joan! You CAN. If you want to feel a bit extra sexy-pouty today, Joan-ify your makeup and you'll be struttin' in time.

Makeup is so fun. It really really is. And if you, like most of my gorgeous lady-friends, rely heavily on a pencil eyeliner/mascara/foundation uniform, you should try something different every now and then. If you want. I mean, I'm just saying, sometimes dressing up and changing your face a bit makes you feel so much better. And I'm going to tell you how to do this.


The inspiration: 

The tools: 

Lancome Hypnose mascara (or Maybelline Falsies)

Sephora cheek and lip stain (any will do - The Body Shop does a great one, as does Benefit)

Rimmel Exaggerate liquid eyeliner

Benefit Boi-ing concealer

 Napoleon China Doll foundation

Laura Mercier lipstick in 'Mistress'

The Method:

Relax, it's easy I promise, don't run away because of the liquid eyeliner (it's optional anyway). Also, it's wicked-long coz I bang on a bit, not coz that's how many things you have to do. Stay with me. 

1. Moisturise and prime your face. I don't care what you use, I'm not a product Nazi with the ultimate opinion on everything. Your preference totally counts too. Hah, but seriously, I like First Aid Beauty Repair Day Cream and Laura Mercier foundation primer. In case you were wondering. Don't forget to prime your eyelids too. Laura Mercier does a great one or go for the famous Urban Decay eye primer.

2. Apply your foundation all over your face, including eyelids. While I normally rock Chanel's Vitalumiere Aqua on a daily basis, Napoleon's China Doll (or any other similarly matte foundation) will do a better job for this look. You will also greatly benefit from a flawless base here. Take care of your skin. Or at least make it look flawless. 

3. Go back and conceal what needs to be given a little TLC. Boi-ing is a great concealer because it covers blemishes ('heinous pimples') like a dream AND can be used under the delicate eye area. Also, it's important to eradicate any redness/capillaries because the lippy is a reddy-pink-coral and will highlight any red/pink tinges in your skin so you want them gone. 

4. If you want to liquid-line your eyes, now is the time. I personally prefer a felt-tip pen-type liner, but if you like gel + brush application you may also do that. Keep it close to the lash line, make the line a bit thicker above the centre of your pupil, and extend out to complete the flick. Use sticky tape (extending out from your lower lash line) to help keep the line straight if you want.

5. If you choose not to line your eyes (very pretty daytime look) apply mascara now, like a demon. 

6. Grab a cheek stain (or any berry-coral-etc coloured blush you can find; a stain just looks really clean and flawless) and apply a thin line to your cheek - use fingertips to LIGHTLY blend it into the skin. Apply again if need be, but you're just going for a soft flush so you don't look dead.

7. FACT: This is the EXACT lipstick worn by Christina Hendricks/Joan on MM. Tap your finger on the end of your lipstick and press the colour into your lips with your fingertip. This kind of application warms up the product on your skin so it really melts in and stays there. Once you have a sort of soft-stained effect you can leave it be and start your day, or you can apply another coat directly with the lipstick for a more 'done' look.

And then you're done. Seriously. How easy. I bet you look pretty. 

Beyonce wins the Met Gala

Ahhh, the Met Gala, the greatest red carpet event of the year. Better than all of them rolled into one. A time for fashion as opposed to 'pretty' and celeb-friendly. An opportunity for all our faves to don their most fabulous and interesting ensembles and one-up each other. Fuck it LET'S LOOK AT THE DRESSES.

PARTICIPATION AWARDS (even simply for entertainment purposes)

Most fucking ugly: SJP. Valentino it may be, but grandma's ill-fitting curtains is what it looks like. FAIL.

Most tragic: Coco Rocha. Gurl, are you just playing coz you such a babe? Otherwise, I don't get it.

Most relieving: Chloe Sevigny. I don't give a shit what Chloe wears to be honest, as long as it's pretty weird and she is owning it. You rock that MiuMiu honey.

Most BLAH and SHIT and TRY-HARD: Jessica Biel and her cheating douche, I mean fiancee, Justin Timberlake. I hate that fringe. I hate all of it. What is that hem?

Most delightful: Amy Adams. Oh well done, pretty lady with your Veronica Lake waves, stunning red lips and perfectly tailored Giambatista Valli. Hearts and kisses.

Most fierce: Anna Wintour. Duhhh. I couldn't find a pic of her without the fur shawl (which is great anyway) but the dress was quite pretty, if I remember correctly. That gold thing went around her body. Could only have been improved with a splash of blood thrown by PETA. Ah well.

Most disappointing: Diane Kruger. This is only ok if it turns out she's pregnant with Pacey Witter's offspring.

Most acceptable: Emma Stone. I don't know? I liked it more yesterday. I wish it had...something else. Another exciting element? If it was exactly like that, but longer, as opposed to babydoll?

Most dumb: Florence Welch. I am not on the Florence bandwagon and as such, I cannot get down with this. I mean...I get it...I'm sure some people are dying over it. It's McQueen, it's over-the-top, it should work. But it doesn't on her.

Most pitiful: Gisele Bundchen. I know, she's spectacular. It's Givenchy, it's STUNNING, she looks SICK, Tom Brady looks hot (apart from his hair - what is that? what's happening?) she thought she had it in the bag...and then Beyonce turned up. Goddamn. She just lost her own personal Superbowl with seconds left in the game. Tough break this year guys. Go back and wallow in your perfect little existence.

Most insulting: Kristen Stewart. Bitch, you are wearing Balenciaga, you are not worthy as it is. Then you turn up with that hair, that stance and I want to slap yo damn ass. Perk up and rock it, or wear an LBD.

Most surprising (bad): Gwyneth Paltrow. I can't even...Someone on twitter wrote that it looked like Gwynnie was on her way to the gyno - in space. I agree. Her body looks amazing, as always, her legs go on for days, but from the side-boob to the ill-fitting heavy material, this was a bomb for Goopy.

Most annoyingly good: Rooney Mara. Fuck. I loathe Rooney with a passion and yet I can't fight my urge to embrace this dress. It's great, isn't it? Would be better on somebody else though, who didn't half-heartedly stand pigeon-toed in one position.

Most ugly supermodel: Anja Rubik. Oh Anja. I can't believe I'm saying this to my second-favourite hot babe lesbian supermodel but you look a mess. Eat a steak, take the sheet off and find a proper dress honey.

Most undecided: Cameron Diaz. I don't know if I'm down or not. It's inoffensive, it's a great colour on her, she's covered up for once, but is it too loose? And her hair is bad. If people are referencing "There's Something About Mary", it's bad.

 BEST Supermodel: Jessica Stam. OH MY GOD, I DIE. This is perfection. The pose, the giant 'fuck off' she has written on her forehead (with 'I'm the shit' in parentheses), the elaborate bodice...I bow down to the gorgeous Jessica. Beautiful.

Most wtf: Kirsten Dunst. Oh Kiki, what happened?!? You usually nail the red carpet! I even like your weirdo choices! But this is just ugly and boring! And a bad, bad colour. That is a very unflattering red and it clashes with the carpet too. No points.

Most surprising (good): Rosario Dawson. Wow. Where did you come from in your perfectly tailored leather?? I love a leather dress anyway, but this one is also floor-length, superbly fitted, and covering a tight body. Well done.

BEST EVER EVER

No surprise here, Cate Blanchett knocked it out of the park, out of the Upper East Side, out of the goddamn city. Flawless, as usual. And yet I never get sick of how perfect she is. I am always amazed.

Oh well done January Jones. Look at you in colour! In yellow!!! I don't even know what I like about it so much. I think it's the tailoring. I'm really into tailoring right now. Also, bitchface as she is, I am predisposed to liking everything Betty Draper wears ever since I saw her rock that electric blue Armani number (Google it if you don't know what I'm talking about - still incredible).

Marc Jacobs. In a lace see-through dress. There's nothing else to say.

Rihanna in Tom Ford is a vision, no? I gasped when I saw her. And I appreciate that she didn't mess with her face and ruin everything. She's so beautiful, I love when she looks like this. Who am I kidding, I love her always.

Carey Mulligan!!! Oh, sooooo beautiful. SO gorgeous, SO unexpected, SO spectacular. This was my favourite all night until this next bitch rocked up...

I mean...what is there to say? Does this need justification? Are any words that could aptly describe this? It took me a while to even realise there were purple feathers on it, I was so blinded by everything else, and then I almost passed out from the exquisiteness of what was happening. Beyonce in sheer, corseted Givenchy, mere months after giving birth - it sounds too much to ask for, doesn't it? So I shan't say anything else about it, I shall simply praise her on bended knee while I gaze at her adoringly. I don't know what we mere mortals did to deserve this gift, but I am grateful.

And that's it, another Met Gala done and dusted for the year. NOW what do we look forward to?

Evangelista for the win

If you follow celebrity gossip, fashion, are alive, etc, you may have heard about the current trial between Linda Evangelista and her ex-boyfriend Henri Francois-Pinault. They were together for four months when he dumped her for getting pregnant. He then requested that she get an abortion (these aren't my assumptions, he has admitted to both these facts in court). She opted to have the baby - her first, at 41 years old.

The trial is kind of a big deal because she's asking for $46,000 a month in child support (it would be a landmark case if she is successful). She's been branded a gold digger, selfish, unreasonable, etc. She does, after all, earn $1.8 million a year. Pinault earns a $5 million salary and he and his family are worth an estimated $13 billion. That ain't no typo, that is indeed billion. He also has a child with Salma Hayek, who he rekindled his relationship with soon after finishing it with Evangelista. Hayek soon got pregnant herself. They got married, and she had the baby.

Evangelista had had her son, Augustin, at this point but was not receiving any child support for the first few years of his life (he, like Hayek's daughter Valentina, is now 4). At the time, Pinault and Hayek were having some troubles with their pregnancy, believing their child to have Down's Syndrome. He asked L.E. to post-pone the trial during this stressful time. She acquiesced. He did not offer any financial support.

I can understand why many would see L.E. as a money-hungry gold-digger, trying to get hers. I can also understand that this would seem like an inordinately large amount of money for child support (for nannies, bodyguards, etc).

However.

Valentina, Pinault's 'legitimate' daughter with Hayek has a multi-million dollar trust fund already set up in her name. She also has a house worth $12 million that she is set to inherit when she turns 18. Not to mention the current status of her lavish lifestyle which she reaps the benefit from, and the luxuries Pinault heaps on her daily. He neglected to buy his son a gift for his last birthday and 'doesn't recall' what he bought him for Christmas.

Pinault does, however, spend approximately $260,000 on WATCHES for HIMSELF each year. He has a personal collection. But he can't shell out $46,000 a month for his CHILD. This is petty change to this douchebag.

L.E. is asking for a lot, and the kid probably doesn't need $46,000 each month. But as Pinault's other child, he is entitled to what Valentina gets. Who the fuck is Pinault to decide which offspring is worthy and more important? They're both yours, you douche. Sell a few of your watches, maybe?

Anyway, go Linda go! #getmoneybitch