Oscars 2012: Dress Porn

There was no Cate Blanchett in Givenchy couture, but there were still a few hot babes at yesterday's Academy Awards. Props to everybody (most people) though for largely putting blush nude sparklies on the back burner. There was just so much colour! On some surprising people too! Kinda loved it. Note: I am indeed a hypocrite. I, myself, am never in colour and would probably choose a rad black outfit...but whatever. SO SUE ME. It's not like bloggers serve as the moral ethical compass of the universe. However, even Rooney Mara wasn't in black last night! There's hope for everybody! Even me.

And nowwwwww onto the dress porn!

I know, it IS reminiscent of Nicole's Balenciaga a few years ago, but I like Emma's better. I generally just like Emma better. She looks absolutely gorgeous and the bottom of the dress is a lot nicer than Nicole's was. I am just all over it. The fuchsia with the red hair is such a great combination. And what a face. If only she had Andrew Garfield on her arm...what a winning accessory that would've been. Sigh.

This isn't one of the better pics of Maya Rudolph's dress, but it did illustrate the back perfectly. It's a beautiful colour on her, fits well, drapes nicely, and the embellishment is just glamorous enough. Also, her hair and face. Whatta beauty.

I am not 'The Help's biggest fan, but even I had to acknowledge that this was Octavia Spencer's night. Holy crap, she looked amaze-balls. The draping and beading could not have been more beautiful or more flattering on her teeny little waist. This gown fits her like a glove, and she is owning it like.a.boss. She also went and kissed Jessica Chastain (co-star, nominee in same category) when she won so she is obviously gracious and thoughtful. There is nothing bad to say about this woman. She is faultless.

This physically pains me. I put Tina Fey on another Worst list and Rooney on my Best list. I hate myself. But even I cannot deny that this white creation is totally beautiful. I love it. I like seeing her in white, I like the boob bit, the red lipstick...it all works (bit sick of her blunt fringe though - we get it, you're 'edgy'). I would get married in this dress.

MICHELLE. IN COLOUR. She hasn't been in a colour this bold since her Vera Wang showstopper at the Oscars in 2006 (which will always, always go down in history as one of my all-time favourites, ever). It's not the most perfect dress, but it's pretty and it's RED and her hair is great. Total winner. Love seeing Michelle smiling and giddy and in colour. Happy claps!

Rose Byrne, you saucy little minx you. Where did all this chic sexiness come from? From the fab white jumpsuit at the Globes, to this glittery confection, I am all over it. I really particularly like the bottom of the dress, how it sort of nips in at the ankles as opposed to mermaid-ing out. Flawless styling. By the way: APPARENTLY this is actually midnight blue...I don't see it, but if it is, EVEN BETTER. But it doesn't translate.

Well, it's not all about the dress porn I guess. Christopher Plummer rocked a blue velvet tux and I DIE. Look at him! He is the king! He was a lock for Best Supporting Actor and I still jumped like a maniac when they announced his name. Dude is 82 years old, the oldest Oscar winner ever and he expected a standing ovation - which he rightfully received. And let's face it, his wife is a babe too. She was better dressed than a lot of young bitches in attendance.

BRANGELINAAAA!!!!! So she was in black, and doing weird poses all night, BUT OH MY GOD SO GORGEOUS!!!! The structured beauty of this dress, the hair, that face, BRAD, it was all workin' for the Brange last night. Can you indulge me as I post some more pics of them pleeeeaaase? Sweet.

Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! King and Queen of Hollywood, you continue your reign with beauty and Pitt Porn. Love it.

And now, for my top two! Dun dun dunnn.

NO, DUH. GWYNETH. IN TOM FORD. AND A CAPE. It doesn't get much better than this folks, this was a proper Fashion Moment. There were audible gasps when Gwynnie appeared on the red carpet. I am still in awe. SHE WORE A CAPE. A beautifully designed cape. The crisp white and clean lines make this the perfect minimalist Oscars gown. Oh my God.

Was there ever any doubt? My girl Jessica Chastain had wowed me already during this awards season with the white Givenchy and she did not disappoint at the Oscars. Her tumbling red waves and porcelain skin off-set this McQueen gown to perfection. It fit her like a second skin (but, better) and enhanced her curves while still being fashionable and interesting. This lady is one to watch in her career but also, always, on the red carpet. Very interesting choices. And she is so gosh darn sweet. You just sort of want all good things for her, ya know? L-O-V-E.

Oscars 2012: Try Harder Bitches

Look, let's not beat around the bush...it was NOT a standout year. There were no glaring horrors, but there were no gasp-inducing showstoppers either (well, except maybe one...).

SO TRY HARDER NEXT YEAR YOU DUMB HOES, YOU GET PAID MILLIONS TO DRESS YOURSELVES UP AND HAVE YOUR PICTURE TAKEN SO GIVE US SOMETHING GOOD.

Ugh.

I may be coming down a little hard on them though. At least there wasn't a whole fucking wash of blush nude sequin things. Blah blah, you're probably scrolling past me ranting...onto the dresses!

Get yer shit together, repeat offenders!

Really Cam? She of the customised Chanel couture? A nude, strapless, ruffled thing? This is all you have to offer? It must be the shame of humping on P. Diddy getting you down. Good. You SHOULD feel ashamed of yourself. You're better than this. In every way. Still loving your cute bob though. Props where props are due.

HOW has this woman been to the Academy Awards ten times? TEN. TIMES. A DECADE. She has never been nominated! To put this into perspective...Brad has attended three times. That's Brad Pitt. Also, she looks like shit. This ain't the Grammy's you dumpster-diving ho (seriously, I hate Caspar Smart. I can't believe she can't see what we see. A pathetic, gross faux-mance with a little boy!)

Oh. I guess this is kinda cute. Stacy came dressed as an Oscar, because she thought her bf would have one at the end of the night. Pity it's cheap and nasty and vile. Dear Lord. By the way, George, you're standing pigeon-toed...and you look short...time to trade this one in my friend. And please keep in mind that this strategy isn't working for you. The average-but-pretty, nondescript escort is not necessary. You are so damn charming and funny, that's all you needed for your Oscar campaign. That's how Jean swiped it from ya. (Okay, there might have been other factors, but don't doubt me my friends - Stacy is a strategy and nothing more, I promise you. And she, as a strategy, failed.)

Kristen. Kristen Kristen Kristen. After a series of boring, nude, blah ensembles throughout the awards season, you turn up to the Academy Awards in a boring, nude, blah ensemble. I don't know what to say about this. I love and adore you and I know you're better than this. you've disappointed me. You wrote a hilarious, fun, raunchy, amazing comedy and you mack on with FABRIZIO MORETTI. WHAT. IS. THIS?

I mean, it's not her worst...and I totally understand her desire to have her arms covered, but the sleeves are my least favourite bit. I feel like this could have been saved with different sleeves...more structured material maybe? It just feels like an overwhelming abundance of flawy material. Yep, needed different, slim-fitting sleeves. STUNN-ING face though. Heavenly.

Oh God, I am so torn about this. It started off as a hot mess for me, then I decided I loved it, now I don't know? In some pics it looks so much nicer...but in most, it looks like a bit of a gold disaster. I like the style, the draping, her teeny waist...yeah, I dunno.

As if it's not bad enough that it's sanctimonious douchelord Natalie Herschlag, she goes and rocks up in polka dots. I mean...it's like you're not even trying. Is the message you're trying to send here "ugh, I already have one of these, don't you know I have a baby now? Fine, I'll perform by Best Actress duties then I am going to immerse myself back into the creation of creation that is creating Motherhood. Also, no big deal, but look how tiny my waist is"? Because we get it. But we also fucking hate you for it.

Argh, this one pains me. I love you Pene but really? A lavender ball gown? Come onnnn it's not interesting or nice AT ALL. But you're so pretty....however, you didn't bring Javier Bardem with you. You stay in the Bad Book.

Tina. Tina Tina Tina. After so many years of being one of my 'Bests', always, lately you've been disappointing me. This dress looks largely inoffensive (the top half at least), but I have a problem with stiff material that sort of drapes and hangs...it looks so unflattering. If it's not fitted to perfection...it just looks like a lot of excess material. Is it...baby brain? Kidding, I love you, don't hate me!

I think I may have heard some fashion commentators speaking of this outfit positively...in which case...maybe they have baby brain too. I find this to be a horrendously unflattering fit, a frankly offensive colour and also...I just don't get it. So many details. So much extra. P.S. No offence, but so glad Viola Davis didn't win Best Actress!!! I hate The Help. So racist and dangerous. Props for the Academy for not rewarding it so lavishly like everybody else did.

Et voila! Another awards show, another Worst post. Coming up next, my Bests and my fave moments. Stay tuned lovers x

CAN EVERY YEAR BE THE YEAR OF ADELE?

So DUH the Grammys belonged to mah girl Adele Laurie Blue Adkins this year and I, for one, could not be more thrilled. I feel like I have been celebrating a personal friend's wonderful, victorious successes and I'm honestly grinning from ear-to-ear. Am I weird to be rejoicing in a celebrity's triumphs with such happiness and effervescence? Do I care? Doesn't everybody feel good when Adele wins? Don't we all want her to be happy and celebrated? Aren't we all rooting for her? (And aren't we all watching Simon Konecki with a fierce "be careful boy" side-eye?)

Anyway. I shall get to Adele. I can't give it all in the first paragraph can I? We need to work towards to the good stuff, get warmed up first.

The Good

I'm not going to lie, aside from Adele, there wasn't much. 

It's been a while since we've seen sleek sex-bomb Rihanna and I liked it. I love her always, no matter what she wears, but it feels like more of a win if I actually think she looks stunning and not just like I want to bang her. Honestly, she's like sex on legs. And it just got better when she put on a deep, plum lipstick later in the show. Gooorge.

Look at those dapper Followills! Jared (on the right) is my personal fave, but they all know how to rock a suit. Lily Aldridge, Caleb's wife also looked amazing. I mean, what a beautiful pregnant lady right? I don't even like her that much (she is def not my favourite Angel) but even I can see past my own bias. They are going to have one hella cute kid. P.S. Nathan's eyes do things to me. P.P.S. Why are they all settling down and getting hitched? Apart from Jared. YO JARED, HOLLA. LOVE YOU.

Only Jennifer Hudson could have done this tribute to Whitney. It was emotional, stunning, moving, all good things. It was also sad. My favourite Whitney song was done justice though. R.I.P.

The Bad

First and foremost, where was Amy? I know Whitney was the most fresh pain for everybody and is a Legend and it was huge, recent news, but I feel like Amy deserved a little more recognition than she got (which happened to be about 2.5 seconds in the Memorial montage).  But to be fair, this was a minor problem in the grand scheme of things.

Chris Brown, major Douche Lord of the Universe, was allowed to perform not once, but twice at the 2012 Grammy Awards. The same event at which his once-girlfriend was not able to attend three years ago because he beat her violently during an altercation, leaving her bruised and bloody on the side of the road. I won't post the picture here (I feel guilty because I adore Rihanna and I think she'd hate it to resurface all the time) but I think we can all remember it. Even if you can't, you know what he did. You can't excuse him, you can't explain it away. He is guilty. It happened. He is a jerk. He went out and celebrated after his trial, partying at some random Hollywood club because his sentencing was lenient as fuck and he is a smug little asshole who knows he got off easily. I don't think he knows what true remorse is.

Feeling really bad about his punishment

 He is an entitled little shit and had the gall to complain about radio stations, Oprah, old fans etc. not supporting him enough after his shallow half-hearted public apology (http://www.thesuperficial.com/chris_brown_to_oprah_why_didnt-09-2009). He clearly meant it so much that mere months after he assaulted Rihanna, he threw a fit backstage at a television studio because he didn't like the questions they were asking him (questions he and his people had seen beforehand by the way, and approved http://www.thesuperficial.com/chris-brown-approved-rihanna-questions-03-2011), yelled at everybody around him, and broke windows in his rage. Clearly, this violent fuck did not learn his lesson.

Three years on and this jerk douche asshole c--- was invited back to the Grammys to perform twice and even received an award. Ha ha domestic abuse...you're being way too sensitive about this. Come on, it's been three years, can't you all just get over it? He's changed and said sowwee. Screw you Grammys for celebrating such an awful person and making his actions okay. Screw you for making light of what he did. Screw you for validating Chris fucking Brown.

Anyway. Sorry. Didn't mean to make this post so Chris Brown-heavy but I think it's truly dangerous to let people like him get away with their miserable actions. That's my little lecture, moving on.

I love our Lady of Holiness, Gaga as much as anybody, but didn't you feel like she was such a non-event at the Grammys? How can somebody who has dominated so much in the last few years be so blah this year? Actually, no, wait, maybe it wasn't that. Maybe Gaga just knew it was Adele's year and chose not to make it all about her? Props for not showing up in an egg. Sorry, 'vessel'. Yeah, I think she knew. If this is the case, good for her. She's not in the bad column for being bad, but for sort of being nothing. Ya dig?

I wish Katy and Rihanna weren't such good friends because I fucking love Rihanna (and her deep, plummy lipstick! Oh my God! Heavenly!) but Katy reeeeaally gave me the shits last night. I think she really put the final nail in the coffin of our weird love-hate relationship. I'll still listen to her music but her ridiculous performance at the Grammys reminded me how much she can annoy me. First of all, she looked like shit. Secondly, what was that god-awful performance outfit? Thirdly, aren't you embarrassed at yourself after seeing people like Adele perform? But most importantly, how dare you project the image that Russell was a piece of shit husband who tried to take everything from you and that your marriage was meaningless. Only weeks ago you were both professing how amicable the divorce was and only DAYS ago it became public knowledge that Russell is not, in fact, taking shit from you, but walking away from $22 million that he is entitled to. So shut the fuck up and don't try and capitalise on your divorce. How pathetic.

Speaking of pathetic...I am so done with Taylor Swift. Ok, well, I always have been. The sugar fairy princess persona has always rubbed me the wrong way and the Grammys were no exception. Her annoyingness was on full display, she had an ugly fringe, she played a banjo and the "what?! little old me won?!" face was out in force. After a bazillion awards won throughout your career is it really necessary to act so shocked every damn time you win something? Ugh, fuck OFF.

The Ugly

UGLY DRESSES ARE UGLY.

I actually think if this wasn't all-the-way see-through I wouldn't have hated it so much. Or at all. I mean, it is the Grammys. It is a totally acceptable event to be dressed a little wacky. I encourage it, in fact. Just...not quite like this.

CARRIE UNDERWOOD. YOU ARE NOT AN UGLY PERSON. HOW CAN IT BE SO DIFFICULT TO MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD? Honestly, doesn't her outfit always scream "Thank you so much for the Country Music Award!" In a bad way. In a very, very bad way. N.B. Carrie also has an epic bitchface. EPIC. I prefer it so much to her fake Country Princess bullshit. http://www.laineygossip.com/Articles/Details/19104/5th-Row-Country-BitchFace

Sea urchin. Ugly. Stupid bow. Matches HAIR. Bitchface. Dumb-dumb head. Be nice to Russell, I bet that performance tore him up inside.

Yeah...I don't know. I guess Nicki is just wacky for being wacky right? That's what this is? Ok.

It's a testament to how much I love Robyn that I don't automatically just write her off after seeing this, um, ensemble. Geeeez. 

THE BEST EVER EVER EVERRRR, IN THE WHOLE WORLD

 

Really, what is there to say about Adele that you don't already know? She is beautiful. She is talented beyond belief. She is hilarious. She is engaging and warm and wonderful and I love her. I love that she is so successful, I love that she is so universally-loved, I love that she transcends musical boundaries. She deserves every bit of acclaim she gets and every one of those SIX awards she won last night.

Her speeches, as always, were endearing and heartfelt and definitely off-the-cuff ("oh, a bit of snot!"). And HER HAIR was even more spectacular. I thought I would hate her if she ever changed her hair colour from that beautiful 'ginger-nut' colour it was (her words) and yet I am all over the blonde. It's perfect for her! It's elegant, it's flattering, it's retro, it's grown-up. Oh, and her red lipstick! When I got my first glimpse of her in the pre-show I audibly gasped. I've never seen her with a red lip, and with the hair, and the gorgeous floor-length dress and her giddy smile...good lord...it was too much for me to handle.

She was pure perfection on Sunday night (always, forever, every day). Her style, her face, her voice...love love LOVE. Watching her win Album of the Year made my life. Like many I'm sure, I am emotionally attached to this record and I feel like my special little friend that has comforted me and made me cry and sent tingles down my spine has grown up and finished off a wonderful year in the most apt fashion.

It was her first time singing in five months, following her throat surgery and Adele gave us this show-stopping performance:

I AM STANDING OVATION-ING YOU FROM HOME, I LOVE YOU ADELE LAURIE ADKINS X