Oscars 2011: Results!

So, I pretty much nailed it with my predictions yesterday apart from Best Picture. Although I did say I wanted 'The King's Speech' so maybe that counts? Totally stoked it won. Colin Firth was perfection. Anne Hathaway made me want to stab myself in the eye. Cate Blanchett was a goddess. Andrew Garfield did not disappoint in his sexy suit. But let's get into it more fully shall we?

Meh
These first few hoes left me cold. There was nothing terribly offensive about what they were wearing but nothing terribly fascinating either.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Michelle Williams

Natalie Portman

Sandra Bullock

 


































































I didn't dislike what Gwyneth was wearing (are we fighting?) but I just expect so much more from her. When she nails it, she really, really nails it. And when she bombs she really bombs - her performance...oh my god. I was cringeing and covering my eyes. Can't they take the Oscar back? She doesn't deserve to keep it. Michelle Williams...again, largely inoffensive but hasn't she worn this before? Natalie Portman...you know how she infuriates me. Her sugary sweet, butter-wouldn't-melt-Oscars-bullshit has turned me right off her and she didn't win me back with this dress. Mind you, it was better than the horrendous Globes rose dress but then, anything would be. Sandy B looked nice. I guess. It could've been better.

And just to illustrate why I'm so sad at Gwyneth and Michelle, I'm posting these pictures of them at past Oscars which show how truly marvellous they can be, thereby highlighting how disappointing their ensembles were this year.

Worst
Self-explanatory, really.

Busy Phillips

Halle Berry

Hilary Swank

Jennifer Hudson

Mandy Moore

Marisa Tomei

Nicole Kidman

Reese Witherspoon

Scarlet Johanssen

Taylor Swift

I know, for some of you a few of these may not necessarily be so awful as to be considered some of the 'worst' of the night but I am so goddamn sick of sparkly ballgowns. They're boring, unimaginative and they've been done. So that's my rationalisation for putting Halle, Hilary and Mandy here. Also, Mandy Moore looked RIDICULOUSLY angry and sort of...awkward? At some points she seemed to be unable to answer questions, then turned all glary...but she never seemed very present in the moment. She looked very confused. Swifty is...well, we all know Swifty has a penchant for short and sparkly and curly hair and so she is always my Worst. She is 21 and needs to grow out of her fairy princess stage. This is how an 8 year old would want to dress herself, you know? And you probably don't even remember Busy Phillips from Dawson's Creek but she was there last night as Michelle Williams' date. I love both of them. But Busy needs to SIT DOWN. She is there to accompany an Academy Award nominee and yet her dress is so overdone and full of Try and then is just a spectacular failure anyway.

Ok, I'll try to be more succinct about the others. Jennifer Hudson needs to learn to dress for her new tits. Reese Witherspoon looks like an asshole/country singer. Marisa Tomei's is just ugly. ScarJo looks CHEAP and tacky and the colour of the dress violently clashes with the red carpet. And Nicole...well, Nicole was my biggest disappointment of the night. I had such high hopes for her. Remember her amazing dresses from the Grammys and SAGs? Sigh.

Best
Might be some surprises here. You might want to fight me. I will throw down.

Amy Adams

Annette Bening

Celine Dion

Hailee Steinfeld

Helena Bonham Carter

HBC's garter!

Helen Mirren

Jennifer Lawrence

Mila Kunis

Christina Hendricks

Okay, I loooved Amy Adams in L'Wren Scot. The minute I saw her on camera I instantly liked it (I think it's better on camera than in pics) and I particularly liked the non-matchy, contrasting jewels. Also I just love her. I was rooting for Annette Bening all night, knowing she wasn't going to win so I was a bit sad. However, I was thrilled to see her knock it out of the park in that dress. She's beautiful, she tamed Warren Beatty, she's intelligent and her and Julianne Moore make a perfect couple...she's all of these things, but sometimes can be a bit hit-and-miss on the red carpet. So this was a victory. Celine is in this category for similar reasons - remember the backwards tuxedo she wore that one year? Look at her now. And mere weeks after giving birth to twins. Total fist-pump right?

Let's see, who else? Hailee Steinfeld was delightfully age-appropriate and adorable and such a gracious loser. Wise beyond her 14 years, no? Jennifer Lawrence has been sucking throughout the entire awards season so this Calvin Klein number was even more amaze. She looks like a glorious elegant sex pot. HBC is HBC and when she isn't playing it relatively safe she is always The Best. Love her. Loved her side-eye when Melissa Leo was giving her speech. Love everything about her. Ditto for Helen Mirren in Vivienne Westwood showing these young bitches how it's done. AND SHE SPOKE FRENCH! Lady boner. Now Mila...adore her. Adored the dress, her face, everything. But. I was constantly waiting for what seemed like an ienvitable nip-slip and it's a little (a lot) reminiscent of Christina Hendricks at the Emmy's last year, right?

But THE GREATEST, most amazing, divine, incredible goddess-like winner was obviously Cate Blanchett, AM I RIGHT? I gasped OUT LOUD when I first glimpsed her in this Givenchy creation/art work. Jesus Fucking Christ.

And in case you're too dazzled by the dress, how about a close-up so we can fully appreciate (again) how amaze her face is:

Best Couple
Pene and Javier ('Oscore') have always been a smoking couple. But they have NEVER walked the red carpet together, ever, anywhere and are notoriously private. Seeing them together totally made up for the lack of Pitt Porn.

Honourable mentions, always: RDJ and Susan Downey.

Anne Hathaway
Where to start? How about the outfits? Her first one (Valentino) worried me. Because I almost vommed.

The blue Armani Prive left me cold. It was ok. It didn't hurt my eyes. The second red dress had me confused. Why another red dress? You already did red (and it failed). The white Givenchy had me doing happy claps (seriously, just, can everyone wear Givenchy?). The fringed Oscar de la Renta number had me cringeing (did you see her stupid shake? Ugh. More on her annoying-ness later). The Tom Ford one that she ended with was nice, but failed to make an impression on me. My favourite was the tux that she performed in. Yeah.

So, on to her performance. Do I think she largely had to carry it for Stoner Franco? Yes. Do I think she had to put in a lot more work than him? Yes. Did I want to scratch her eyes out by the end of the night/second ad break? HELL YES. I can't do her justice like Michael K over at DListed.com can:

"Anne Hathaway is that annoying girl in drama class who takes the "invisible ball" exercise way too seriously, calls the theater teacher by their first name, chants "UN-IQUE NEW YORK" in the hallways and cries when you say that you thought Mary Poppins was dumb and boring. Anne is like Lea Michele's Glee character on Dexatrim and uppers that give you a manufactured form of peppiness. Annoying as fuck, but at least the ho tried."

So there's that. And for visual representation of why she caused me so much pain, viola:

The Men
 

Jesse Eisenberg. I love you. And you probably knew you had no chance. But you're nominated for a goddamn Academy Award. Wash your fucking hair and smile. Andrew Garfield on the other hand, my love, you always rock a suit. You looked hot as fuck. Call me.

Russell...I love you so much you could have turned up naked with a loincloth and I would have been happy. That being said, please grow your facial hair back because as a clean-shaven gentleman you unnerve me. Your mum is divine though. Also, I'm thinking about starting a petition for Helen Mirren/Russell Brand to host next year's Oscars. Or Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law.

Also, one of the best gaffes of the night was E!s Cat Sadler telling Russell at the end of the night that he looked like he needed "a glass of champagne" to which he replied "...I'm a recovering alcoholic."

How could I forget my main man Jakey?! He was adorable as always and so, so handsome in his tux. We will be back at the Kodak one day, together, and married. It will happen I tells ya. Otherwise, re: the last picture - can we make that happen please?

The Best of the Best of the Bestest
Duh. Colin Firth is, quite simply, perfection.

Charming, effervescent, funny, intelligent, eloquent, engaging, humble...and clad in custom made Tom Ford nonetheless. Colin Firth is the Man. Has there ever been a more universal show of support for an Oscar winner? Did anyone NOT want Colin Firth to win? Was anyone disappointed with any move he made throughout the awards season? He's always been The Best but last night was the culmination of his many years of talented acting and he was able to fully revel in all his glory. I can't gush about him enough so I will simply leave you with his perfect acceptance speech, from his perfect mouth, in his perfect suit, following his perfect performance in 'The King's Speech'.

EDIT: The video I posted sucked so here's another (not very good quality though)