LESS. FUCKING. RED. ON THE RED CARPET. And other eye-twitch inducing outfits.

I just had a few glasses of wine, sorry for getting so shouty so early. You should have heard me in real-time watching the actual red carpet/awards ceremony today. Shit got real.

Basically…I say this every year…and, unbelievably, Hollywood still is not listening (I know, I really thought my over-inflated sense of ego was more influential than it was) and today the red carpet was a sea of samey red. And samey silver. And underwhelming blahs.

Basicaly, it was a less-than-dazzling array on display.

Dresses that had me seeing red (I can't think of a better pun, I'm so tired, shut up, YOU have bags under your eyes! I'm sorry, wait, you're pretty)

No shade, Allison Janney is great. She can wear whatever fucking colour she wants to.

This is a red ball gown. On a boring Allison Williams. I have nothing else to say here. It is what it is.

Oh look, more red. CZJ is looking pretty great though. So, that's a thing. 

If you do it like Dame Helen Mirren, fine. If not, GTFO. No exceptions.

Literally my brain is running out of my ears I can't think of anything else to say about these red dresses. Julianna Marguiles is very pretty though, I'm always shocked again by how striking her face is. Just saying.

I refuse to dedicate any further specific thought/attention to Lena Dunham. She's clearly trolling us by wearing the most ill-fitting dresses in the universe so she can continue to do so as is her will. I'm over her schtick.

This is better than her usual. In that I didn't cringe when I saw it. Well, not for any other reason than it was red. Small victories!!!

I felt like the sea of red was overwhelming today and it was just like 'oh man ANOTHER one?' and it felt relentless. This sounds dramatic. But when one (me) looks forward to awards show season all year (since the last show) with the utmost anticipation (more than Christmas) and then they're not blown away (pouting at my desk pondering the meaning of life), it's quite a comedown. For a more in-depth analysis of my feelings on the crimson hued gowns of award shows past, read literally any other blog post I've written.

The sparkly blush nude of 2015

She seems as blah and generic and 'nothing' as Anastasia Steele. So, I guess, good job.

Ugh, SWOON. What a standout couple. I may be biased due to Pacey Witter hanging off her arm but Diane Kruger never ever disappoints me. She has elevated this hue to something stunning and interesting.

The SECOND she stepped onto the red carpet (and I glimpsed her lady bits) I mused that she was probably wearing Zuhair Murad. She was. It was not a compliment. 

I wanted to like this more than I did. But I was over feathers in 2013. Also…Ricardo Tisci's association with that Kardashian have tainted him forever in my eyes. She should have stuck to Tom Ford. But let's be real, this stunning redhead can never look bad.

WHO is Kate Beckinsale sleeping with to keep getting invited to present every year?!?! Seriously, who? Asking for a friend...

This was even more underwhelming on screen than it is here. I get that she's probably building to a big Oscar moment…but…it's been so long since we've even had a great Reese Witherspoon moment that I am not optimistic (remember the post-divorce canary yellow Nina Ricci?? Or the vintage black Valentino at her first Globes? Or the amazing, amazing vintage Dior gown when she won her Oscar?!). But I am hopeful. Because when she does it well, Reese knocks it out of the park. But maybe let's leave Calvin Klein aside for a while now, it has not served her well.

The Not-distinctive-enough-to-create-a-new-category-but-should-probably-be-acknowledged-anyway Category

This actually pains me. God, I love her. But why the gloves. Dammit. I feel like maybe my astronomical expectations were slightly too high. Pretending this just didn't happen and you can't convince me otherwise lalalala otherwise it's perfect.

On the red carpet, Claire said she was wearing 'art'. I didn't see that dress but I did see this blanket one!

Emily Blunt will always get bonus points from me regardless, but this is a beautiful (if not slightly ordinary) dress anyway. She gets to be married to John Krasinski too. And she is awesome in her own right. EMILY WHEN CAN WE BE FRIENDS ALREADY?

Amy was going to be torn apart by me for being boring and then I was overcome by gowns of red and silver and magically, Amy Adams was then elevated beyond 'blah'. Which I am happy about because I actually really like her and am looking forward to her own Oscar year as it will be so beyond well-deserved.

This was actually pretty awful and I naively thought Jen would try harder. The sequins looked cheap, the accessories were dated, her hair look stringy somehow even in an UP-DO, and her shoes are from 2001. I can't even. For somebody so banging, Jennifer Aniston consistently disappoints (but then, she's always had assy style).

I just…I don't know what to do here. From far away she looks great, but up close, that material is tacky as fuck (i.e. it's a big old mess. i.e. she's a Monet). That face though…and her hair…! I would pay big bucks to buy every strand and follicle of those locks from her scalp and have them for myself. Stunning.

Naomi has already had a 'Yellow' moment. But this is beautiful. So it's a wash. No points lost.

TOO PAINFUL, CAN'T TALK. LOVE YOU ALWAYS OLIVIA BUT WHYYYY? I WISH YOU WOULD HAVE JUST LET ME FIX THIS.

Haha. Hahahahahahaha. Baby brain is funny. Keira boasted about her gown taking 'more than 30 people' from Chanel 'over a week to make this dress' but I barely heard her because I was still laughing at her recycled toilet brush holder 'dress'.

My clouded, biased judgment of Kate Hudson almost made me overlook this Versace abomination. I inexplicably adore her beyond words but this dress looked trashy. I already know she has an incredible physique, she didn't have to show me like this.

This is…fine. Julia Louis Dreyfus is always fine, but I'm ready to be wowed by her now. Somebody this fabulous has to have a better gown selection than this.

Another case of letting my expectations reach stratospheric heights…I don't actually recall ever seeing Rosamund Pike in something I *don't* love in recent times. Seriously. LOVE. And then she turned up in this dress today and then everything I knew to be truth and fact and real in this world was destroyed. I don't even know. 

So that wraps up the 'mehs' - I'm sorry if you're asleep or you didn't make it through that post but you wouldn't even know because you wouldn't have made it this far down so my apology is worthless and yet, here I am, apologising. Stay tuned though - the highlights are still to come!