Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I want you all to be more like Swifty

I KNOW, I KNOW. I hate Taylor Swift. I hate her sanctimonious butter-wouldn't-melt sugar sweet persona. I hate how she dates millions of douches (WITH THE EXCEPTION OF JAKEY) but everyone still hails her as a sweet, innocent ingenue who's just looking for love. Most importantly, I hate how she always looks exactly the same. Safe, and exactly the same. Ringlets, glossy lips, sparkly gowns, etc etc.

BUT. Last night, at the 2011 Met Gala (in honour of Alexander McQueen) Swifty turned up like this:

Goooorgeous, no? Ugh, I could eat her face/hug her/do jumpy happy claps. She looks like a more gorgeous, edgier, more interesting version of herself. L-O-V-E. I can see past our troubled history and give this one to Swifty. Let's look at the rest shall we?

With the exception of a few ladies, I am hugely underwhelmed by the turnout/outfits last night. So many people played it safe and others just got it wrong. BO-RING. I'll start with the ones I like (as there aren't many) and we'll get into the good shit later.

A job well done
Emma, my angel, you are perfect as always. I can't find one fault. You've even finally figured out how to werk the blonde. Love you. Always.

Is it weird that I like this Chanel on Freida Pinto? Only on her.

 LOVE Diane always (even if this is a bit lacklustre for her). She gets bonus points for Joshua Jackson though. Best boyfriend ever, he always says he loves standing back and watching her. Also, she picked his outfit. Which, adorable.

MICHELLE!!! You are not in white/off-white/ivory!!!! It's not colour, but it is a departure from your recent offerings. And there are no daisies anywhere. You win. Gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous.


Seriously what is that material? Just because you're cute and pregnant doesn't mean you can get away with this shit Alba. You're a nobody now so you gotta at least keep yourself somewhat relevant with your style a la Bilson and Bosworth (and stop pimping out your cute daughter at the park).

REALLY? The ratty fake ass extensions, the fit of the dress, the blah colour, THE HEADPIECE - REEEAALLY? I love you gurl. Don't ever do this to me again.

Kiki is dat chu?

The tiny adorable pixie of my heart...why do you have huge hips and super ugly things on your feet? You're better than this. Also, smile. At least you're wearing COLOUR.

Oh Gwyneth. You used to be one of the greatest. Fashion-forward and couldn't give a shit about the masses...and now you're in a bedazzled nude sheath...and peach satin shoes. For shame.

I like her. I do. And good for her for losing so much weight and getting healthy. But goddamn her people do not know how to dress for her new body + tits. you WANT me to think of you only as teen vampire goth trash? You're too good for this! And so, so achingly beautiful. Why do you make it so hard for me to love you wholly?

I'm so sick of Alexa Chung. What is that? The sad sack + the blank 'nonchalance'...I am so over Alexa Chung's blah sameness.

I've never liked Isabel Lucas and this reaffirms that, but I've got to wonder - what to the trash mags see in her? She always looks vacant and aloof and is always wearing stupid clothing (and shit on her head). Go away Isabel Lucas.

 Another one who used to be great. Another nude bedazzled sheath. Ugh.

Could be better

Unlike the ladies above who are just all-round gross, these next ones are 'ok'. And this pains me more than just OMGTHATISSOSHIT because I expect BETTER from them. I've SEEN them looking better and I know they CAN look better and forfuckssake this night was in honour of LEE. MCQUEEN. For SHAME ladies! (Ok, Kanye caps-locking is done for now)

Really, Zoe Saldana? Calvin Klein minimalist chic to a costume gala and this to the Oscars:

Chloe. Chloe, Chloe, Chloe. This is not 'bad' per se, but it is a floor-length tight black lace number. It is McQueen, yes, but when you wear things like this: like, the polo and boring premieres, we expect more from you. You are kooky Chloe! You're crazy and fashiony and that's why we love you! D-.

Sure I like the dress. The shoes are pretty cute too I guess. And your hair and makeup are stunningly flawless, but remember when you wore this:
 The Met Gala is the PERFECT time to wear shit like this and I actually preferred your whacko outfit from that year than the basic black one from this year. (If you're reading this, are we fighting?)

But sadly, SJP had to be my biggest disappointment. I don't always LOVE what she's got goin on but she's generally quite fashion forward and takes risks with her sartorial statements. And despite wearing a pretty McQueen gown (nude, bedazzled...are we sensing a theme here?) to honour him, Lee McQueen was a good friend of hers, and he deserved better. She was his muse for the 2006 Anglomania Met Gala and has worn him on a number of occasions, including boring premieres. It seems wrong that THIS is what she chose on his big night.

I mean RIGHT???


When it comes to haute couture though, I guess we better leave it to the best. Nobody had nothin on Anna Della Russo and, happy sigh, Daphne Guiness.

P.S. Doesn't it seem that Kunty Karl has finally come to realise what we've all been thinking?:

"Jesus Christ what have I been doing Blake Lively is THE SHITS. Get off me you insolent vapid American! I'm too good for this. I should call Anna and stop trying to make Boobs Legsly happen, she's never going to happen. Lucky I have such an otherwise immaculate career or I would be heading straight to Dante's 7th circle of hell for this."

P.P.S. I kinda (randomly) wished that January Jones turned up to the Met Gala. Considering what she wears to like, the (pretty safe-ish) Golden Globes, I would have been interested to see what she wore for this.

One of my faveouritest faves of all time.

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