It likely started when I got to work and remembered that with my new fabulous corner-desk-with-a-view I no longer had a television nearby so that I could peak at the dresses, listen to the opening monologue and be immediately aware of a Julia Louis Dreyfuss audience-participation gag and get swept up in the experience. I mean, I am not complaining, I'm just saying. I was…disassociated.
It became worse whenever I caught a glimpse of Amy Poehler onscreen - where normally I would be overjoyed and excited, she's become painful to watch and it only reminds me of the three best Golden Globes of all time and pretty much every hilarious Emmys moment in recent history, but I just can't forgive her for this and it hurts.
Over in my corner and in the midst of the pain however, I did manage to grasp tidbits of updates and all I could think was "what the fuck is an Olive Kitteridge" time and time again as this random title took out award after award as I felt awash with misapprehension of my own knowledge, fearing the overwhelming sensation of everything I thought I knew becoming irrelevant. I was detached, too removed and out of touch with pop culture.
But who cares, because I still have unsolicited, unwarranted and hopefully entertaining opinions about the fashun.
Oh Claire Danes. You are just the literal worst. Your hair in particular makes me feel like this. I'm done with you.
YAS Danielle Brooks you SLAY. Twirl that gorgeous gown and keep being fabulous I have nothing bad to say about you ever, other than hurry up and get with Poussey and accept you love her. Just ignore me while I live in my fantastyland that OITNB is real.
As for this one…I don't get it. I don't get it for Alex, I don't get it for Donna and I just don't get it for Laura Prepon. And I sure as hell am not down with this dress bolero thing.
YAAAAAAAS GAGA YAAAAAAAAS!!!! You look gorgeous gurl. No shade here, this is flawless from head to toe and I'm so excited to feel it for you once again. I mean, I loved your crazy shit as much as the next lil monster but I'm ready for THIS era of Gaga. *Applause emoji x8500 times*
Gwendolyn Christie is Brienne and she is as flawless in Real Life as she is in Reel Life and I'll never say a bad word against her. Not that I have to, because LOOK.
This is not a surprise because I have literally never liked a single damn thing Heidi Klum has ever worn but this has to be one of the worst. It can't be that hard to make someone naturally stunning look even a little bit good. And yet, once again, she proves that it is? On what planet…?
And then you have Jamie Lee Curtis working what her mama gave her and being amazing at 56 years old, because why the fuck not. Beautiful.
Oh. Oh Jane Krakowski. I love you, but no matter how hard you pose you cannot make that dress look good. I'm so worried about how sore your back was after the red carpet.
I know what this looks like…I know it's a green pantsuit with a brooch and a weird neckline and yet…I can't hate on January Jones. For the final year of Mad Men at the Emmys, after always being a favourite with these shoes, this flawlessly crafted bodice, and my ultimate favourite Emmys dress of all time, I am glad you went out with a pantsuit and not a flamboyant pink ball gown or something gross and frou-frou like that for the finale of Mad Men.
Unlike Elisabeth Moss here.
Luckily, Julianne Hough and her brother Derek here remain the total fucking worst. Is that a figure skating outfit? Who knew I could hate a black outfit so vehemently? Who am I?
Julie Bowen on the other hand…! You know what, this is a pretty nothing dress and a totally forgettable Look but I have slammed her so many times I am legitimately overjoyed to give her this Win. Gone are the days of pink taffeta and red velvet as we welcome in a new age of perfectly fitting sleek black gowns. Yippee!
Kiernan Shipka is a flawless goddess who can do no wrong. And these perfectly tailored pants and fun dress are just as flawless. I am so excited to see her all grown up and picking as interesting outfits as her on-screen mum, January Jones. But Kiernan will be even better. I feel it in my bones.
I mean…every.single.detail. The yellow nails, the ring, the clutch, the colour of the gown and those perfectly placed cutouts…I bow at Laverne Cox's feet another day.
ACTUAL gasps for Lena Headey when I saw this. I fucking hate using the word 'fierce' but I actually don't know any other way to describe Queen Cersei. But Lena is even better. Swoooooon.
Maggie Gyllenhaal actually has interesting, stunning, beautiful style so I think she's fucking with me. So I will refrain from playing into her little game and commenting on the vile grossness which she has put on her body. I will refrain.
This…is not great. But I love Liev and Naomi so I'm going to go easy on her fugly, oddly-shaped dress and skip right along. Because favourites. We all have them.
More OITNB queens! Natasha Lyonne and Yael Stone are serving up copious amounts of attitude and mutual adoration and I am so into it.
HOLY CRAP IT'S RED! I'm speechless. I got nothing. I am obsessed with this. I can't stop staring at her. If ever an out-of-character transformation deserved a slow clap, I mean, this is it.
Oh, and here is Samira Wiley, my fantasy girlfriend looking straight-up fucking flawless. Of course. HI SAMIRAPOUSSEY I LOVE YOU, JUST CASUALLY OVER HERE WAITING FOR YOU TO LOVE ME BACK EVEN THOUGH YOU AND LAUREN MORELLI ARE PROBS ONE OF MY ALL-TIME FAVE COUPLES OF ALL TIME BEING ALL CUTE AND STUFF BUT I'M STILL KIND OF HOLDING OUT FOR REALLY A FICTIONAL CHARACTER IF WE'RE BEING REAL BUT WHATEVER, NBD.
Sarah Paulson always *just* upsets me with some kind of cray detail so I'm chalking this one up as a win. Great colour, detail and fit. I would have maybe chosen different makeup but now I'm just being picky. I already gave her the win, let's leave it at that.
I don't know if I like Sophie Turner's outfit or if I'm just excited she wore pants and there's something weird about the styling of it or if it's all just ugly I'm still not really sure I just can't figure it out I'm really tired and it's hurting my head so I'm just…posting the pic and leaving it. Next.
Damn this OITNB cast really is massive. Taryn Manning looks like an evil glamourous queen and I'm ok with that. I welcome it in fact.
Taylor Schilling/Piper is the worst. So is the hem of this gown. Pretty colour on her though and it's a hard one to pull off.
There are no words for how much I adore Uzo Aduba and the brilliance she brings to Crazy Eyes and the amount of crying I did when I finally watched her acceptance speech in full. So yes, she can wear pink taffeta and I will be happy about it.
Love this on Viola Davis but not as much as I loved her history-making win and honest, powerful acceptance speech.
I am annoyed at the world that I had to search for more than ten minutes for a single image of Tatiana Maslany on the red carpet and yet Julianna Fucking Hough was everywhere. I am annoyed at a world where people don't know how truly amazing an actress she is and how she disappears into the numerous brilliant characters she plays in a single show. Mostly I am annoyed that not enough people watch Orphan Black to know how amazing Tatiana Maslany is.
HO-LY SHIT. This might go down in history as one of my favourites of ALL DAMN TIME. Kerry Washington dang near blew my head off when I saw her arrive and stomp it out in this amazing ensemble in all her amazing glory. The whole thing is just…I don't even know…yep. I don't have to say anything. Just look.
And my favourite of the entire day/night. Taraji P. Henson is resplendent in this gown. Nothing could suit an individual more than this gown on Taraji with her ever-present essence of Cookie Lyon. I thought Cookie was my favourite fictional character on TV but actually I am so, so much happier that Taraji P. Henson exists in real life, in this dress, in my lifetime.