Dress Porn

Like I said, I was pleasantly surprised today. It's like Hollywood is finally, finally listening to me about the red and the taffeta and the blush-nude-sparkly gowns and branching out. And at the moment, that's enough for me.

***Flawless

Talk about a stunning couple. Eddie Redmayne and his gorgeous wife Hannah Bagshawe look amazing, each in custom McQueen. I was so excited for his win, I did legitimately squeal and I'm okay with that. Not sure if my co-workers are, but I've accepted it.

It seems that Gwyneth is having a pink moment of late, and so far it's fine, but I'd prefer if she switched it up now. This is beautiful, and she is beautiful, but enough pink now Gwynnie (and blue eye shadow…) Okay so it's not quite ***Flawless but she's pretty close. It's just that…she was the first to wear the cape. I want more of that now.

I am genuinely heart-achey that Julianne didn't wear Tom Ford for her big Win, but this Chanel is pretty delightful. White and sparkly always looks good with the statue, and it off-sets her incredible creamy complexion to perfection.

I want to be very clear - MELANIE is the 'best dressed' lady here. Holy COW she looks amazinggggg! I am still struggling to pick up my jaw off the floor. I chose a picture of her and Dakota together though to highlight the differences. Why is she in a red velvet gown with a split, WHY??

Credit where credit is due - this fits flawlessly and is incredibly flattering and basically I just think Oprah looks gorgeous, the end. Oh and also loved how excited she was to receive her Lego Oscar, Oprah provides me endless joy.

I did miss Sienna during awards season when she went off to grow up and her baby (which I'm very glad she did, by the way) but it is fabulous to have her back. Sure, it's a black dress, but it's a very interesting one with lots of clever details. I even like the bow. Also…damn she's pretty.

Solange, presented without comment. Because obviously. SOLANGE.

The Most ***Flawless

I know a top 4 is a weird number, but whatever, you don't own me. I loooooove this dress and I looooove her hair and makeup and I loooooove Naomi Watts. She is living, walking proof that interesting and non-boring gowns still exist in a sea of blush-nude-sparkly things, time after time. This is beyond beautiful.

Again…just a black dress, elevated to perfection though by the one and only Cate Blanchett. Her turquoise Tiffany necklace is stunning and so is she. Take note students of 2015: this is how a returning  Queen returns to her kingdom. 

And for that matter, take note from Princess Lupita! The peeaaarrrls, oh the pearls. Does she just get sent all the best dresses? Does she have the best pick of everything? I don't know if she just has the access to the best gowns or if her incredibly curated taste is the sole reason for her success on the red carpet, but she might be my all-time favourite now, along with Cate. Man, 2014 was a good year.

Collective gasps all-round for Margot Robbie. So, so, so stunning! The gown, the accessories, the lips, the hair, the steeze, it has all come together for a perfect red carpet look. You're doing your country proud lady! Also you threw shade at Ryan Seacrest and for that, you'll always be a legend. Aaaaaand just realised there are three Aussies in my top picks. I guess we just do it better, especially in Hollywood LaLaLand. 

Sigh. Another Awards Season has come to an end. I'm not really sure what to do myself now but I guess I can continue with the 14-episode Law and Order SVU binge I started yesterday while I figure it out.

Red Carpet, All Day

In an ideal world, it would be red carpet day every day. Alas, it wouldn't be such a treat if it was Christmas every day and it wouldn't be as exciting if it was AWARDS SEASON every day. So I take what I can and I savour every single moment. Every stitch, every awful gown, every fashion Moment, all of it. And it all makes me happy, vapid as it makes me.

Let's start with the 'Blahs'

This very emblematic of an Anna Kendrick dress: boring, and a little 'old'. Which is hard for me, because she is beyond fabulous, on Twitter, in Pitch Perfect, and in life. Just not on the red carpet.

For most, this would be a massive success. For Emma Stone…it's beneath her. Especially when she wears things like this, this, this, and THIS usually. But it's fine. I guess.

A win for JLo, a blergh for 'anyone' else. I'm pretty proud of her for not just wearing something entirely form-fitting though!

Sure, it's a diaper bag on her back. But she's Marion Cotillard and she gets a pass because she still made everyone gasp when she stepped out of the limo due to her stunning beauty.

I like this. She's great. All hail Queen Meryl who can do no damn wrong, even if it isn't exactly mind-blowing.

Again, a massive win for Patricia! There's usually something a little off about her overall look but I couldn't really fault this. I'm happy for her.

SO BORING REESE!!! She used to always be my best-dressed when she wore more interesting dresses. I mean, remember this post-divorce Moment? It made a splash because it was such a departure for her and now she just keeps wearing the same dress, slightly different! Look: Item #1, Item #2, Item #3, Item #4. Sorry, are you asleep yet?

I know there's a neck plate…and I hated this at first…but damn if her body is not out-of-this-world incredible. I think she elevated this dress. Maybe I just like her hair.

Nah. Unsalvageable.

Oh…no. I know it's custom McQueen but this design was just off. Or she was too short for it? I'm not sure but it looks like she's swimming in material and it's swallowing her whole. Got excited when I first saw the top half though and then…nah.

This looks like a gown Princess Diana would have worn. Jessica Chastain is young, and gorgeous and sexy and she's dressed like a middle-aged royal at a charity gala.

Eurgh. I hate this floral-earthy-cutesy schtick that so many pregnant women stick with. Keira Knightley has flawless style and I am blaming this and her Golden Globes gown on hormones because I can't think of what else possessed her.

THIS IS JUST BIZARRE. Nicole Kidman is one of my all-time red carpet faves ever ever and I usually froth over her interesting and stunning choices and this is so OFF. The colours together are also downright weird. I'm gobsmacked.

I love Rosamund and I thought she was incredible in 'Gone Girl' but this looks cheap as f-ck. Red, skintight, lace, split, and strappy heels. Rosamund is better than this gown and you can see this realisation in her face.

Another disappointment to me. Zoe Saldana is one of the very few who can wear weird, conceptual, interesting gowns and make them look amazing and now she wears spaghetti straps. I can't even.

Round 3 will be up soon with all my favourites. Be prepared for gushing, otherwise, look away.

Just a little more time to say goodbye!

As much as it excited me to see the culmination of Awards Season with the Oscars, it also pains me because it means the season is over. And that's like saying goodbye to Christmas. The gown bingeing, the parties, the champagne, snacks and all-round celebrations are my idea of the ultimate festivities.

I'm not sure if I just had supremely low expectations of this year's Academy Awards due to the lacklustre run leading up to them, but I was presently surprised! I barely raged at the television in our offices at all! Instead, it was more like a quiet, seething eye-roll at the sameyness but mostly it was quiet (hah) excitement.

First thing's first though! Quick rundown of the big moments for context:

- TEGAN AND FREAKIN' SARA ATTENDED AND PERFORMED!!! And everything is damn awesome in the world because it happened. I still can't believe it really did happen. So proud of my superstars, can't believe the little band I saw playing by the side of a highway in a nothing-place in country NSW are now Oscar nominee/performers. I may have screeched at the TV. And by that I mean I definitely did.

- Julianne Moore finally won. Well-deserved and also well-overdue (see: her performance in 'A Single Man' for reference). I was devastated she wasn't wearing Tom Ford for her big Moment though.

- Neil Patrick Harris was a great host…but he wasn't Amy and Tina. I miss Amy and Tina. Bring back Amy and Tina! Amy and Tina for the Oscars 2016! Honestly what's the point in trying after those two. ALTHOUGH his opening line was flawless, so no shade here, "Tonight we honour the best and whitest…sorry, I mean brightest!"#truth

- Common and John Legend. I mean…yeah, talk about feels. Not much to say here other than pretty sure everybody had chills. Actually, I know they did. Look at the reaction in the crowd…so beautiful.

- Amazing acceptance speech for 'Glory' too. So eloquent and perfectly said.

- Gaga had the unfortunate task of following this performance but she actually knocked it out of the park. I'm excited to see if she's reinventing herself to be, like, a regular. I think everybody forgot she could sing and I was so happy for her I may have been quietly fist-pumping. (Hate her diamond-shaped engagement ring though, so much).

- Patricia Arquette's speech was en pointe. Yeah they are all millionaires but when the Sony Hacks revealed that Jennifer Lawrence was paid less than her male counterparts for Silver Linings Playbook, the film she won an Oscar for, people realised it was fucked up. And now everybody has to listen because Patricia yelled at Hollywood! Such a great moment.

- OH REALLY ACADEMY? NO JOAN IN THE MEMORIAM SECTION? SHE'S THE ONLY REASON THE RED CARPET IS THE EVENT THAT IT IS TODAY DAMMIT. Just you wait for her punishment.

Okay enough of my boring opinions, ONTO THE FASHUN, as Joan would have wanted. Stay tuned.

More golden moments please, more more more!

Wheeeeeee onto the good stuff! Amongst the largely boring state of affairs this morning, rays of joy and sunlight broke through the clouds and shone down on the stars, and many other mixed analogies that are less confusing than this one but which generally mean ALL. GOOD. THINGS.

The Handsome Gentlemen

Chris Pratt, mah main man of 2014 looking DAPPER. AS. FUCK. with his gorgeous wife Anna Faris. These two. Goddamn. I wouldn't even mind being the lame third-wheel hanging out with them, I just want to hang out with them.

Did not expect to see Colin Firth this year, not sure why, but please note that it resulted in actual squee-ing at my desk. I'm sure I was super fun at work today.

His acceptance speech for the Cecil B. Demille award was pretty perfect. It was heartwarming, it was funny, it was poignant and I basically just cannot get over that he is married and publicly acknowledges this. I love that Amal is like the equivalent status of a rockstar to him as a rockstar would be to us plebs. She is a badass and they are my favourite celeb couple. DEAL WITH IT.

Navy seems to be having a moment with gorgeous dapper men on the red carpet at the moment, and I am okay with this if they look as fiiiine as Kit Harrington. 

Legit one of the only pictures I could find of my fave, Mark Ruffalo. Which is a travesty. Because look at him.

Dreamy, dreamy Matt Bomer WON FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR and I fully endorse this. Not only because of his dreamy blue eyes, but literally everything else about him. Including his very sweet acceptance speech that highlighted Mark Ruff's awesomeness.

OH HEY JAKEY YOU GET THREE PICTURES FOR BEING THE BEST BOYFRIEND TO ME ANY BOY COULD BE. So funny, so broody, so sweet. How are you everything?! When he teared up during sister Maggie's acceptance speech, I also may have had a little something in my eye. It's been too damn long since I've had Jakey around for regular updates so I'm really excited to have him back as a nominee and with like a billion films to promote. Yay! Swoon! Call me.

Best Dressed Ladies, in order

Christine Baranski, showing the young 'uns how it's done. Style, elegance and beauty in one gorgeous package. Us mere mortals could only dream of looking this good now, let alone at her age.

Gwyneth skipped the red carpet this year, but she pretty much always makes my best-dressed list and 2015 is no exception, I see you Gwynnie! It's not a white caped Tom Ford gown, but it's a great Globes dress. And her hair looks fantastic, better than it has in ages. Okay, fine, I've also been dazzled by dat ass.

A perennial fave, I don't remember the last time Sienna has disappointed me. I weirdly loved this from the second I saw her on-screen. Beautiful.

It was a CLOSE countdown to #1 but Lupita got allllll my best-dressed praise last year, so today, she is runner up. Holy moly this is stunning though. She looks like an incredible, live, hydrangea. And I mean that in the best, most gushing way possible. I. LOVE. HER.

Aaaaaaaaand best dressed this year goes to EMMA STONE in the most perfectly tailored jumpsuit known to the human race, and probably puppies too. Wow. It takes balls to wear this outfit and it takes even bigger ones to pull it off. She is faultless. I want her hair. And her skin. And her boyfriend. And to be at the butt of one of Amy and Tina's jokes and take it ever-so-graciously and then seem even cooler than I already was. And then kick back and chill out because I AM WEARING A RAD JUMPSUIT. Winning at life; Emma is doing it.

Part 3: Tina and Amy win the Globes again

Can we just bring them back forever? Why does their reign have to end? Remember "And now, like a supermodel's vagina, let's all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio!" Or, or "I haven't really been following the controversy over 'Zero Dark Thirty', but when it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron." Oh how we LAUGHED.

This year was no exception. They even made Robin Wright laugh! Out loud! With her mouth open! But re-live it and see for yourself. It's cool, I'll wait.

I don't even know where to begin on the Bill Cosby stuff but I'm actually glad they went there. They called him out YEARS ago on Weekend Update and now that they had the bigger platform, good on 'em for going there again. Not gonna lie, I almost wet myself and felt my jaw unhinge and hit the floor simultaneously. Which are both reactions a good opening awards show monologue should entail!

My favourite beyond favourite perfect quote of the entire evening which I will now leave you with once again is obviously:

"George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human right's lawyer who worked on the Enron case, an advisor to Kofi Annan on Syria and was appointed to a three-person commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip [pause] So tonight her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award." The delivery was flawless, and his reaction was priceless. 

Thanks for the laughs Amy and Tina! I will miss you next year, no matter who hosts instead!

I put my vote forward for Kristen Wiig though. Hollywood Foreign Press Association, you can just have that piece of advice for free. Do with it what you will. 

LESS. FUCKING. RED. ON THE RED CARPET. And other eye-twitch inducing outfits.

I just had a few glasses of wine, sorry for getting so shouty so early. You should have heard me in real-time watching the actual red carpet/awards ceremony today. Shit got real.

Basically…I say this every year…and, unbelievably, Hollywood still is not listening (I know, I really thought my over-inflated sense of ego was more influential than it was) and today the red carpet was a sea of samey red. And samey silver. And underwhelming blahs.

Basicaly, it was a less-than-dazzling array on display.

Dresses that had me seeing red (I can't think of a better pun, I'm so tired, shut up, YOU have bags under your eyes! I'm sorry, wait, you're pretty)

No shade, Allison Janney is great. She can wear whatever fucking colour she wants to.

This is a red ball gown. On a boring Allison Williams. I have nothing else to say here. It is what it is.

Oh look, more red. CZJ is looking pretty great though. So, that's a thing. 

If you do it like Dame Helen Mirren, fine. If not, GTFO. No exceptions.

Literally my brain is running out of my ears I can't think of anything else to say about these red dresses. Julianna Marguiles is very pretty though, I'm always shocked again by how striking her face is. Just saying.

I refuse to dedicate any further specific thought/attention to Lena Dunham. She's clearly trolling us by wearing the most ill-fitting dresses in the universe so she can continue to do so as is her will. I'm over her schtick.

This is better than her usual. In that I didn't cringe when I saw it. Well, not for any other reason than it was red. Small victories!!!

I felt like the sea of red was overwhelming today and it was just like 'oh man ANOTHER one?' and it felt relentless. This sounds dramatic. But when one (me) looks forward to awards show season all year (since the last show) with the utmost anticipation (more than Christmas) and then they're not blown away (pouting at my desk pondering the meaning of life), it's quite a comedown. For a more in-depth analysis of my feelings on the crimson hued gowns of award shows past, read literally any other blog post I've written.

The sparkly blush nude of 2015

She seems as blah and generic and 'nothing' as Anastasia Steele. So, I guess, good job.

Ugh, SWOON. What a standout couple. I may be biased due to Pacey Witter hanging off her arm but Diane Kruger never ever disappoints me. She has elevated this hue to something stunning and interesting.

The SECOND she stepped onto the red carpet (and I glimpsed her lady bits) I mused that she was probably wearing Zuhair Murad. She was. It was not a compliment. 

I wanted to like this more than I did. But I was over feathers in 2013. Also…Ricardo Tisci's association with that Kardashian have tainted him forever in my eyes. She should have stuck to Tom Ford. But let's be real, this stunning redhead can never look bad.

WHO is Kate Beckinsale sleeping with to keep getting invited to present every year?!?! Seriously, who? Asking for a friend...

This was even more underwhelming on screen than it is here. I get that she's probably building to a big Oscar moment…but…it's been so long since we've even had a great Reese Witherspoon moment that I am not optimistic (remember the post-divorce canary yellow Nina Ricci?? Or the vintage black Valentino at her first Globes? Or the amazing, amazing vintage Dior gown when she won her Oscar?!). But I am hopeful. Because when she does it well, Reese knocks it out of the park. But maybe let's leave Calvin Klein aside for a while now, it has not served her well.

The Not-distinctive-enough-to-create-a-new-category-but-should-probably-be-acknowledged-anyway Category

This actually pains me. God, I love her. But why the gloves. Dammit. I feel like maybe my astronomical expectations were slightly too high. Pretending this just didn't happen and you can't convince me otherwise lalalala otherwise it's perfect.

On the red carpet, Claire said she was wearing 'art'. I didn't see that dress but I did see this blanket one!

Emily Blunt will always get bonus points from me regardless, but this is a beautiful (if not slightly ordinary) dress anyway. She gets to be married to John Krasinski too. And she is awesome in her own right. EMILY WHEN CAN WE BE FRIENDS ALREADY?

Amy was going to be torn apart by me for being boring and then I was overcome by gowns of red and silver and magically, Amy Adams was then elevated beyond 'blah'. Which I am happy about because I actually really like her and am looking forward to her own Oscar year as it will be so beyond well-deserved.

This was actually pretty awful and I naively thought Jen would try harder. The sequins looked cheap, the accessories were dated, her hair look stringy somehow even in an UP-DO, and her shoes are from 2001. I can't even. For somebody so banging, Jennifer Aniston consistently disappoints (but then, she's always had assy style).

I just…I don't know what to do here. From far away she looks great, but up close, that material is tacky as fuck (i.e. it's a big old mess. i.e. she's a Monet). That face though…and her hair…! I would pay big bucks to buy every strand and follicle of those locks from her scalp and have them for myself. Stunning.

Naomi has already had a 'Yellow' moment. But this is beautiful. So it's a wash. No points lost.

TOO PAINFUL, CAN'T TALK. LOVE YOU ALWAYS OLIVIA BUT WHYYYY? I WISH YOU WOULD HAVE JUST LET ME FIX THIS.

Haha. Hahahahahahaha. Baby brain is funny. Keira boasted about her gown taking 'more than 30 people' from Chanel 'over a week to make this dress' but I barely heard her because I was still laughing at her recycled toilet brush holder 'dress'.

My clouded, biased judgment of Kate Hudson almost made me overlook this Versace abomination. I inexplicably adore her beyond words but this dress looked trashy. I already know she has an incredible physique, she didn't have to show me like this.

This is…fine. Julia Louis Dreyfus is always fine, but I'm ready to be wowed by her now. Somebody this fabulous has to have a better gown selection than this.

Another case of letting my expectations reach stratospheric heights…I don't actually recall ever seeing Rosamund Pike in something I *don't* love in recent times. Seriously. LOVE. And then she turned up in this dress today and then everything I knew to be truth and fact and real in this world was destroyed. I don't even know. 

So that wraps up the 'mehs' - I'm sorry if you're asleep or you didn't make it through that post but you wouldn't even know because you wouldn't have made it this far down so my apology is worthless and yet, here I am, apologising. Stay tuned though - the highlights are still to come!