Met non-disasters: I guess these weren't total fails

It's honestly come to this. Being excited about outfits that weren't totally awful.

Still not punk, but not totally shit. So. That's something. (But really, was the word 'PUNK' written clearly enough on the invite? Was it legible? Maybe it was just scrawled in some graffiti-type text and these boring Hollywood types couldn't read it properly? Maybe an audio CD would have been more effective?)

Anyway. Well done you lot for looking pretty alright. You've done a decent job and for this you will be politely applauded.

Christina Ricci: Her makeup is nice. And this dress is ok. Overall the effect is quite nice. She looks pretty. I'm scraping the barrel here.

Dakota Fanning: Honestly, she can just do whatever she wants and I will be all over it. Are you some kind of dark angel? I don't know, I don't care, I love you. I hate your shoes though.

Ginnifer Goodwin: I am a hardcore Ginnifer lover and even though I hate her eye makeup, I think she's rocking it. Well done you, you gorgeous adorable pixie.

Gwen Stefani: Hmm. Going through my choices again, I'm struggling to remember the reasoning behind their inclusion on this list but I think mostly it's their attitude. Look at Gwen's steeze. She is confident and she is owning that midriff-baring satin dress. And she's 40-something. Dayum.

Kirsten Dunst: Kiki! I hate your makeup but I am enjoying this dress choice. As usual. But I wish you would let me be in charge of your beauty choices, I would change everything from the neck up.

Nicholas Hoult: Well aren't you just a hot, hot piece of British ass? I like to imagine that you are here because you are back together with Jennifer Lawrence (especially as you were seen having dinner together last week!) and this brings me great joy, even if her boring outfit did not:

I really just wanted to post this photo. Because even if it is blah, it is kinda gorgeous. Too much gorgeous in one photo. I'm all flustered. How could anybody stand that close to Marion Cotillard and look so chilled out and not hyperventilating-y?

Rooney Mara: I extreeeeemely grudgingly admit that this dress is phenomenal. But did Giselle already wear it last year...?

Sienna Miller: Fine, it's a studded jacket on top of a plain white dress. But it's an amazing jacket. And an amazing face. Oh my god. So pretty. So, so pretty. I can't even look directly at her...

Sarah Jessica Parker: Now if she'd just left her crotch underneath her dress, she could have remained solely on this list.

Diane Kruger: Pretty safe dress really but I appreciate the styling. I appreciate everything about the divine Diane really. Most importantly, Joshua Jackson. Yes.

Anne Hathaway: Clearly, in a sea of blah, Annie wins the Met Gala. THIS is how you do sideboob. I wish she was more platinum, but it's a minor grievance. Love this dress. She should have worn it to the Oscars instead of that disgusting pink satin thing. I forgive her for everything this year, that's how much I like this dress. Every acceptance speech, every interview, every cloying emphatic smile. All of it.

And now that's over too for another year. I am putting a general plea out there in Hollywoodland though - please stop being so boring. After a sea of blush nude gowns during awards season, I really thought the Gala would be more exciting. How depressing.

Anyway, by next year surely Harper Seven will be ready to walk the red carpet, right? There's hope!

Met Horrors even for the Met

Like, damn.

I said 'outrageous and fun' not straight-up gross. It's a fickle world, the world of fashion and it's a fine line between werking couture and looking like you've lost yo' dang mind. Please see below for examples of the latter.

Kristen Stewart: Bad makeup, unflattering colour, boring shoes...WHO AM I KIDDING LOOK AT IT, IT'S THE WORLD'S WORST CAMEL TOE! My vagina hurts.

Nicole Richie: If she'd only done something else with her hair. Anything else. Literally, anything. This could have been salvageable, if not extremely boring (lesbereal, she would have been disqualified). I just don't understand the hair choice? When did punks spray their hair with white powder, if it wasn't up their nostrils?

Blake Lively: HAHAHAHA LOOK AT BOOBS LEGSLY THINKING SHE IS SO FASHIONY. She's so funny sometimes. Gurl, you may think you are so cool and innately stylin' to work without an actual stylist but your dress doesn't even goddamn fit. And that's the least of your problems. Also, FUCK YOU. I am still bitter about that tease of a wedding spread in Martha Stewart Living. Whyyyy, why would you do that? Not even one picture of your dress? Nothing! I always knew you were the worst BUT SERIOUSLY YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST. I didn't even WANT to see you piece of shit Marchesa dress. Whatever. I don't even care.

Elle Fanning: Look, I acknowledge that Elle Fanning is a delightful and talented young girl who always experiments with her outfits and I appreciate these this. Infinitely preferable to a boring pretty blonde girl who wears boring pretty blonde girl outfits. However. Her makeup actually scares me. I am scared.

Giselle Bundchen: The only question I had about this particular ensemble is whether or not it deserved to be disqualified or in my 'worst' list. She gets worse punishment because she is capable of so much more. Props for popping out two kids though.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Ewwwwwwwwww! This is another one that is so, so, so disappointing to me. I love when Gwyneth looks amazing. I love when she stands there all smug and perfect and knowing that we hate her for her perfection. I love that Gwyneth. I hate this Gwyneth. Ugh, it reminds me of her ill-fitting pink taffeta Oscars tragedy. She even looks unsure of herself. If she was standing there and staring back at me like "I got this, you're just a peon who doesn't understand fashion and therefore I care not for your opinion, also you should try these kale chips dipped in spelt" I would probably put it in a 'best dressed' list. I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU ANYMORE GWYNNIE. BE BETTER THAN ME.

Jaime King: Love love love loooove Jaime King, I am girl-crushing all over her lately and stylistically speaking, I am all over the idea of this outfit...but in execution, she fails. If the suit was tailored better...with a more modern cut...cooler shoes...maybe? I don't know. It just needs to be fixed. Great from the neck up though.

Katy Perry: Ew. Just ew. It's mumsy and actually kinda 'safe'. Like, Perry for once I would be okay with your over-the-top shenanigans. You could wear this on Sunday to your dad's church. Ya dig?

Kanye West's Girlfriend aka Kim K: Hahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahaha. This is so bad. Hahahahahaha. The matching floral shoes really are the icing on this disgusting cake. I couldn't find the picture again, but I saw one today where she's blatantly holding the split apart to show more of her leg. Which...I mean...I'm not sure why she's choosing that feature to highlight right now. Did I mention the high neckline by the way? She looks like a blob. No shape, nothing. There must have been a more flattering dress somewhere out there. But I'm glad she looks like ass because she should not have even been there in the first place. It's blasphemy on the Met steps.

Madonna: Presented without comment.

Sarah Jessica Parker: What is happening from the crotch down? What are those boots? Why is she holding her dress up like that? I can see crotch.

Taylor Swift: Look, I hear you guys. Obviously this could have been in the 'disqualified' list but where's the fun in that? Swifty obviously tried here so she deserves to be judged. Pageant hair and a black 'edgy' (for Taylor) dress - there is an obvious disconnect here. And I'm not just talking about Taylor and every dude everywhere, ever. (Oi, Harry Styles, if you have Taylor on Google Alerts and you're reading this, hit me up dude...you're 19 right? Definitely over 18 at least yeah? Cool.)

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen: Believe it or not, I did actually expect more from these two. At least Ashley looks like she put some thought into finding that atrocity of an outfit but did MK even know she was going until 20 minutes beforehand?

Miley Cyrus: Call me crazy but I don't tooootally hate this. I think the hair pushed it over the edge into 'Fucking Shit' territory. I would have been down with a mohawk. I probably would have loved it actually. What is happening.

Beyonce: This is heartbreaking. I don't know what to say. I don't even know what I'm feeling. Upset is definitely part of it. Devastated. Confused. Is this the same person from 2012, mere months after birthing out a tiny human who turned up to the Gala in this Givenchy confection...?

All in all, one of the most disappointing Met Galas in recent times. It's worse when your expectations are so high and the people who are safe bets to be AWESOME look like ass. It feels like a personal affront. Don't they know I only want/expect the best from them? How could Gwyneth do this to me? Why didn't Beysus and Gwynnie get together and brainstorm? My heart hurts. So do my eyes.

Met Gala 2013: Disqualified

Did you feel the excited anticipation in the air as fashionistas, bloggers and wannabes the world over (okay, they're all the same thing) clamoured to get a glimpse of this year's Met Costume Institute Gala offerings?! Note the very telling inclusion of the word 'costume' in the title.  If you're not familiar with this particular event, welcome back from under your rock! Behold, sunlight! This is not your regular red carpet, and nor should it be.

This is a place to be outrageous, have fun with fashion and showcase the very best of haute couture i.e. don't play it safe for once. There is no room for your blush-coloured sparkly ball gowns here!

The theme for 2013 was PUNK and the dumb bitches below seem not to have received that memo. I am the sole sartorial judge in Want world and none of these ingrates even qualify to be in the running. They are wearing glorified ball gowns which I wouldn't even consider a success at the Golden Globes. It's the Met Gala for fuck's sake, show some fucking respect.

Anyway. Let the rambling rage be accompanied by some pictures now, yes? Yes.

Jessica Alba: Just because it's black, doesn't mean it's punk you hemp-diaper pimp. It's a glorified fishtail gown with cutouts. And a perfect top knot. How dare. We get it, you're some angelic Earth mother now (that seems to be her primary occupation, while she 'waits for the right role to come along' as if anyone is asking Alba to be in their films and she is simply being choosy while she poses with her picture-perfect children for the paparazzi, but I digress) who doesn't want to challenge the middle-of-the-road mummy majority BUT YOU ARE AT THE MET COSTUME INSTITUTE GALA. BOR-RING.

Amber Heard: used to be a cool-ass lesbian with a hot girlfriend who got to make out with Dr. Spencer Reid on Criminal Minds (in a pool!). Now she's dating loserJohnny Depp (he's a loser now, we can all agree on that, yeah? The millions of necklaces, ditching the mother of his children and bad-mouthing her in the press while he goes clubbing with a bunch of 20-somethings - total loser) and she's in red lace. BRIGHT RED. UUUUGH. She looks like a figure skater.

Jessica Biel: Oh honey. This is not technically a bad dress, in fact I rather like it, but you are not edgy enough to pull it off and make it punk. Accessorised with blah diamonds, blah hair and blah shoes while posing delicately with your hand on your hip - this is not what a banging' Gala ensemble makes. It's just Try.

Chloe Sevigny: Now this is the kind of thing I would expect Chloe to turn up in at, like, a funeral. Or a premiere. This, for me, is Chloe's 'safe' outfit. And she wore it to the Met. I don't even know who you are any more Sevigny. I used to so look forward to your sartorial choices and now you leave me cold. Or even worse - nonplussed.

Emilia Clarke: God, what a babe. Pity she is raping my eyes with an ill-fitting, wrinkled, red satin gown. So many bad things in that sentence. This would be unforgivable at a school prom. A dangly cross earring ain't enough to save you now homie.

Emmy Rossum: Damn she's awful. If I ever had to be alone with Rossum for a minute I'd probably scratch my ear drums out in about 3 seconds. So it wouldn't actually even be the full minute, but it would feel like an eternity. I find her insufferable at the best of times (did you sort of get the gist of that already?) and then she turns up to the PUNK Met Costume Institute Gala in a blush coloured sparkly ball gown with a fucking braid on her head. GET THE FUCK OUT. YOU DON'T BELONG HERE.

January Jones: This is a short sequinned cocktail dress with some cool shoes. That one might wear to a costume party. Slightly weird makeup but overall, this is a cocktail party outfit. She wears electric blue space-age Versace to the Emmys and she wears an LBD to the Met Gala. I just. I can't. Fine, let's relive the magic once again, here she is in one of my all-time favourite red carpet moments brought to you by yours truly:

Sigh. I remember seeing it for the first time, it was heart-stpping.

Jennifer Lopez: Well at least she didn't have her loser boyfriend fronting next to her but it's J-Lo!!! She could have done some crazy ass shit on her awesome crazy ass body but she went for a J-Lo standard. STANDARD.

Kate Bosworth: I hate this talentless attention whore but even I can begrudgingly admit she usually looks awesome. However, this is just a cute short sequinned dress. With black pumps. And lank hair. At the Met. 'Nuff said.

Katie Holmes: WHAT. PUNK. THE THEME WAS PUNK. WHAT IS THIS. HOW. WHY WAS THIS EVEN A CONSIDERATION? IS IT THE QUIFF? IS THAT THE PUNK BIT? ON TOP OF THE FLOATY WHITE DRESS AND TRAIN? GEE-ZUS.

Michelle Williams: Oh Michelle. Michelle, Michelle, Michelle. This is truly painful, to not have you on my best-dressed list. I just...I can't with this. You would have had the perfect hair and look to kick the PUNK thing in the dick...but you wore this. With your hair softly blow-dried and side-parted fringe. Whyyyy? In my head, I see a glorious mix of androgyny and sweetness, of a perfectly tailored Tom Ford tux and immaculately styled faux-hawk. Oh, what could have been.

Zooey Deschanel: I'm sorry, is it time for afternoon tea on the porch at Ralph Lauren's Hamptons weekender? Is that...cotton? Is this the way 'quirky-cool' manifests itself when it is actually a perfectly acceptable time to be genuinely quirky and different? Though now that I think about it, Deschanel has pretty assy style in general. It's always blush-coloured and pouffy and this is that but downgraded about a billion levels.

Stay tuned for 'Met Horrors Even For the Met' and 'Met Default Standouts Coz It Was Damn Slim Pickin's This Year' still to come.

An ode to Tegan and Sara and their hardcore obsessive fans

Cognitively, I know I’m a – somewhat arguably – rational, functioning adult. I’m 24 years old, I own an iPhone 5, I have an Honours degree, I’ve been to New York fucking City, I have a job. I don’t have a driver’s license, but hey, neither do Tegan or Sara.

And yet, as I sit here listening to them, re-living the two concerts I attended last week at the Sydney Opera House (yep, I went back-to-back nights because that's real love) in my Tegan and Sara t-shirt, leaning back on my Tegan and Sara printed-pillow cases (bought from their merch stand, therefore officially sanctioned creepiness*) and brooding over useless crushes – I feel distinctly (and somewhat uncomfortably) 15 again in a way that only listening to Tegan and Sara can elicit.**

Because I, Aphrodite, am a Tegan and Sara-obsessed fan and have been for the last 9.5 years or so (oh my god I feel old, how has it been that long? I feel like I discovered my hilarious secret little band just yesterday and now they play the Opera House!) and I just want to say a big, public thank you to Tegan and Sara for being the bestest, most lovely, engaging, appreciative, funny, adorable band in the whole world. 

My friends, family and anyone who’s ever met me or internet-met me knows about this long-running obsession I have. They also indulge me and keep me up-to-date on any upcoming tours or press that I might be interested in. I’ve probably already seen it three days earlier because I have my finger on the motherfucking pulse, but I appreciate the sentiment.

I know many people don’t get into anything the way I’m ‘into’ Tegan and Sara and they think it’s sort of odd to be so invested in a couple of thirty-year-old adorable, funny, sweet sisters from Canada. I guess it sort of is, but that doesn’t mean there’s not a payoff.

Luckily for me, it came very early on in my TnS love affair. My very first time seeing them live (at the Yallah Roadhouse on the Princes Highway en route to Wollongong aka the Middle of Fucking Nowhere) resulted in me meeting and hanging out with the two objects of my obsession as they bemusedly found themselves in this bizarre venue. They were sweet, attentive, witty, endearing and ridiculously kind. And to be fair, this had to be one of the shittiest places they would have ever performed at. If I turned up at that hole, I would have been hell pissed. Instead, both girls took time to mingle before and after the show and thusly created a very special evening for every single diehard fan that had trekked it out there.

I met them again a year later after their Sydney gig at the Gaelic Theatre (which they called one of their ‘best shows ever’). They were as adorable as ever. Note the glowy-about-to-explode-out-my-skin joy radiating from me. Tegan obviously thinks I'm very funny.

OMG I've also only just noticed this: all of our jeans are exactly the same wash of denim. We should be best friends!

Anyway, what I’m saying is, for hardcore fans, and Tegan and Sara fans in particular, the heartwrenching glorious angst of listening to two strangers perfectly articulate ideas and feelings you thought unique to your very own mind/heart is enough. Seeing them live is a bonus (which I’ve been incredibly lucky enough to experience 7 times). Meeting them in person and not having them let you down or disappoint you is enough to send us through the stratosphere. Of course, the beauty of being a TnS fan is that they care enough about you too that they would never let that happen. They genuinely seem to care about us almost as much as we care about them.

Exhibit A, Tegan has the feels:

I could go on for days about how wonderful they are and I could show you literally hundreds of hilarious banter videos which they are now renowned for and I could write essays about why Tegan and Sara mean so much to so many people but instead I’m going to leave you with two (TWO! Please note the amazing amount of restraint I am exhibiting here***) videos that capture a bit about what I’m talking about.

A compilation of some Tegan and Sara funnies:

Skip to 5:00 for the hilariousness in this one:

Aaaand my two current jams, both coincidentally by my girl Sara (every TnS fan has a favourite, it is not a big deal, most people are into Tegan and I really do love them both but oh man...Sara…oh, Sara. How are you so perfect?)

I'm not your hero

How come you don't want me

FINE. Here's one more, since you asked.

Now I'm all messed up

(All videos above credited to the lovely wojo4hitz, beloved by all Tegan and Sara fans everywhere for her mad skillz and dedication)

* Ahem.

** None of this is an exaggeration. Like, any of it. As is evidenced by the above, somewhat incriminating picture. Whatever, I challenge you to watch all the videos I've posted and not love these girls by the end of it.

*** OH WAIT I just remembered this one. I'm laughing just thinking about it. Just fucking watch it, ok? Oh my god I have a problem. This happens on a regular basis. One banter vid on youtube and 7 hours later I emerge from my hole. Worth it.

None of the videos are mine/made by me, I just like them. Thanks to whoever did make them!

Dress porn, Dudes In Suits porn

Finally, some refreshingly gorgeous dresses during a very dull awards season. I'm not going to lie, some of these ladies shocked me. I did not anticipate that a lot of them would make my Best Dressed list. In fact, I was ready to harpoon them and laud many others that ended up being disasters. The world truly is full of surprises.

You had me at 'not nude/blush, taffeta or ill-fitting fishtail gown'

Duh. Always stunning, always flawless, always in a dress that is totally flattering on her gorgeous frame. And damn, that face. I was totally breathless watching her perform. She is totally enchanting and  it is a pleasure being under Adele's spell. Can we be best friends? Me, J-Law and Adele would be the bestest of best friends. 

I guess this isn't everyone's cup of tea but how can you deny that face?? I love that her hair is still short (it was for 'Mad Max'), I love how simple her makeup is and I love the perfect construction and fit of this gown. Only Charlize.

I am truly in shock. So often do I shit on Giuliana Rancic, that this feels foreign. I can't believe what a difference a great haircut can make! Farewell to the days of stringy balayage-ridden extensions and hello to a softly tousled glossy brunette bob. Wow.

Can this stunning lady do no wrong?! It took me a quick second but then I was all over it. She has such a way of wearing a gown. It has a belt! It's white! And yet...I am fawning at her feet. Go figure.

This little badass won the Oscars just purely by having the best time amirite?? Can't wait to see her be adorable as Annie.

Memo to Melissa McCarthy: take note. This is how you do.

Queen Meryl is incredible. It's a familiar silhouette on her and yet it's still one of the most interesting and different dresses that I saw today. Love the shoulder detail. And the Miranda Priestly hair. And the fact that she and Daniel Day Lewis are each other's professional equal. Young asshole Hollywood folk please pay attention - it takes humility, talent, hard work, grace and respect for people to get to this level. And confident self-awareness to look this damn good.

Not only did I not see Stacy Keibler being on my BEST DRESSED LIST but I didn't even seeing her making it to a second Oscars!!! The girl has done what no other has done before. Props were props are due. That being said, I still want George Clooney to know that he doesn't need a half-rate nobody to win Oscars. He is actually more charming and endearing when he is alone at these things.

Am I crazy? Why do I like this? Is it just because she's so damn banging at her age? Is it the colour? The fit and structure of the dress? I don't know. All of the above.

Second best of the night has to be Jessica Chastain. Are you yelling at me about the blush-like colour of the gown? Go ahead, it looked bronze on-screen and apparently in person also. It's intricate, it fits her beautifully and her hair and makeup is ridiculously perfect. Sometimes Jessica doesn't get it quite right (the Golden Globes fiasco still makes me shudder) but when she does, the result is angelic. Not as PHWOAR as her look last year (the year before? I dunno), but I feel that much amazingness can never again be replicated. Let's revisit...

Aaaaaand #1 is of course Naomi Watts. Obviously.

I mean right?! I don't know what other words to use that aren't superfluous and hyperbolic but it is incredibly striking on her. Naomi has NEVER done me wrong (amazing record) but she still manages to surprise and delight me. Every detail is working for her. Beauty-wise and accessories-wise, she totally nailed it. Loooooove. (Also, just me, or is it a bit reminiscent of the one-shoulder Chanel gown Cameron Diaz wore that Rachel Zoe thought was too 'weird' for the Oscars and that nobody would get it so she had the sleeve altered? So glad Naomi kept it).

GUYS IN SUITS

I'm not actually a huge fan of the rumpled, slightly-too-large suit and the unfortunate Hangover hair that Bradley is sporting here, but I really do like him. It's always nice to glimpse him on camera, with those baby blues. It wasn't not your year love but hold out, it'll happen.

God, as much as I wanted Hugh to win, I can't hate on Daniel Day Lewis. How can you hate on DDL?  He is wearing a perfectly tailored navy tux. He is charm and charisma personified. If he could bottle his stage presence... Also adore his lovely wife Rebecca. She seems fun.

Aside from the irritating belly stroking on the red carpet, these two are damn cute. I sort of like that Channing Tatum is a devoted husband and future baby-daddy. It makes him hotter. Is that weird? Or is it totally normal because he seems so genuinely lovely and not an asshole and yet he looks like that how is this man possible?

BOOM. Eddie Redmayne wearing the shit out of his tux and showing his peers how it's done. He has owned every awards show this season, best dressed dude of 2013, hands down. Even when vomming his guts out at the SAGs due to a virus. Still stylin'.

Awwwww. I really thought it was Hugh's year. He's always so dapper and sweet and apparently the nicest guy in Hollywood. How can you not be rooting for the nicest guy in Hollywood to win?! Great performance too, but then, he's always great. This man is a triple-threat and he will get his Oscar some day. It might take a little while, but look at Colin Firth. It'll happen eventually.

Best couple, best Oscars campaign, best awards season campaign, best everything. Ben Affleck did not let the Best Director snub get him down. He kept slogging it out with weekly trips to the Farmer's Market with his kids, romantic paparazzi-shot trips to Paris with his wholesome gorgeous wife, and remained humble and gracious with every award he received in the lead-up to the Oscars. And THEN he posed WITH JENNIFER GARNER on the red carpet at the press wall TOGETHER for the first time. It all paid off Afflecks! Enjoy the victory!

Also this happened. Apparently they were entertaining everyone backstage with their standup routine. I wish they'd hosted instead of Seth McFarlane.

Until next year folks! Let's see how long it takes Adele to achieve the incredibly rare and prestigious EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony). She's only 24 and she's halfway there.