Joan's face

If you've got the 'Mad Men' bug/have a human pulse you're probably a bit in love with Joan. She is a total sex-bomb. Which you know, because you have eyes. And if you don't, I'm sure you can feel her sexy energy radiating at you from your computer screen. But guess what? You too can look like Joan! You CAN. If you want to feel a bit extra sexy-pouty today, Joan-ify your makeup and you'll be struttin' in time.

Makeup is so fun. It really really is. And if you, like most of my gorgeous lady-friends, rely heavily on a pencil eyeliner/mascara/foundation uniform, you should try something different every now and then. If you want. I mean, I'm just saying, sometimes dressing up and changing your face a bit makes you feel so much better. And I'm going to tell you how to do this.


The inspiration: 

The tools: 

Lancome Hypnose mascara (or Maybelline Falsies)

Sephora cheek and lip stain (any will do - The Body Shop does a great one, as does Benefit)

Rimmel Exaggerate liquid eyeliner

Benefit Boi-ing concealer

 Napoleon China Doll foundation

Laura Mercier lipstick in 'Mistress'

The Method:

Relax, it's easy I promise, don't run away because of the liquid eyeliner (it's optional anyway). Also, it's wicked-long coz I bang on a bit, not coz that's how many things you have to do. Stay with me. 

1. Moisturise and prime your face. I don't care what you use, I'm not a product Nazi with the ultimate opinion on everything. Your preference totally counts too. Hah, but seriously, I like First Aid Beauty Repair Day Cream and Laura Mercier foundation primer. In case you were wondering. Don't forget to prime your eyelids too. Laura Mercier does a great one or go for the famous Urban Decay eye primer.

2. Apply your foundation all over your face, including eyelids. While I normally rock Chanel's Vitalumiere Aqua on a daily basis, Napoleon's China Doll (or any other similarly matte foundation) will do a better job for this look. You will also greatly benefit from a flawless base here. Take care of your skin. Or at least make it look flawless. 

3. Go back and conceal what needs to be given a little TLC. Boi-ing is a great concealer because it covers blemishes ('heinous pimples') like a dream AND can be used under the delicate eye area. Also, it's important to eradicate any redness/capillaries because the lippy is a reddy-pink-coral and will highlight any red/pink tinges in your skin so you want them gone. 

4. If you want to liquid-line your eyes, now is the time. I personally prefer a felt-tip pen-type liner, but if you like gel + brush application you may also do that. Keep it close to the lash line, make the line a bit thicker above the centre of your pupil, and extend out to complete the flick. Use sticky tape (extending out from your lower lash line) to help keep the line straight if you want.

5. If you choose not to line your eyes (very pretty daytime look) apply mascara now, like a demon. 

6. Grab a cheek stain (or any berry-coral-etc coloured blush you can find; a stain just looks really clean and flawless) and apply a thin line to your cheek - use fingertips to LIGHTLY blend it into the skin. Apply again if need be, but you're just going for a soft flush so you don't look dead.

7. FACT: This is the EXACT lipstick worn by Christina Hendricks/Joan on MM. Tap your finger on the end of your lipstick and press the colour into your lips with your fingertip. This kind of application warms up the product on your skin so it really melts in and stays there. Once you have a sort of soft-stained effect you can leave it be and start your day, or you can apply another coat directly with the lipstick for a more 'done' look.

And then you're done. Seriously. How easy. I bet you look pretty. 

Beyonce wins the Met Gala

Ahhh, the Met Gala, the greatest red carpet event of the year. Better than all of them rolled into one. A time for fashion as opposed to 'pretty' and celeb-friendly. An opportunity for all our faves to don their most fabulous and interesting ensembles and one-up each other. Fuck it LET'S LOOK AT THE DRESSES.

PARTICIPATION AWARDS (even simply for entertainment purposes)

Most fucking ugly: SJP. Valentino it may be, but grandma's ill-fitting curtains is what it looks like. FAIL.

Most tragic: Coco Rocha. Gurl, are you just playing coz you such a babe? Otherwise, I don't get it.

Most relieving: Chloe Sevigny. I don't give a shit what Chloe wears to be honest, as long as it's pretty weird and she is owning it. You rock that MiuMiu honey.

Most BLAH and SHIT and TRY-HARD: Jessica Biel and her cheating douche, I mean fiancee, Justin Timberlake. I hate that fringe. I hate all of it. What is that hem?

Most delightful: Amy Adams. Oh well done, pretty lady with your Veronica Lake waves, stunning red lips and perfectly tailored Giambatista Valli. Hearts and kisses.

Most fierce: Anna Wintour. Duhhh. I couldn't find a pic of her without the fur shawl (which is great anyway) but the dress was quite pretty, if I remember correctly. That gold thing went around her body. Could only have been improved with a splash of blood thrown by PETA. Ah well.

Most disappointing: Diane Kruger. This is only ok if it turns out she's pregnant with Pacey Witter's offspring.

Most acceptable: Emma Stone. I don't know? I liked it more yesterday. I wish it had...something else. Another exciting element? If it was exactly like that, but longer, as opposed to babydoll?

Most dumb: Florence Welch. I am not on the Florence bandwagon and as such, I cannot get down with this. I mean...I get it...I'm sure some people are dying over it. It's McQueen, it's over-the-top, it should work. But it doesn't on her.

Most pitiful: Gisele Bundchen. I know, she's spectacular. It's Givenchy, it's STUNNING, she looks SICK, Tom Brady looks hot (apart from his hair - what is that? what's happening?) she thought she had it in the bag...and then Beyonce turned up. Goddamn. She just lost her own personal Superbowl with seconds left in the game. Tough break this year guys. Go back and wallow in your perfect little existence.

Most insulting: Kristen Stewart. Bitch, you are wearing Balenciaga, you are not worthy as it is. Then you turn up with that hair, that stance and I want to slap yo damn ass. Perk up and rock it, or wear an LBD.

Most surprising (bad): Gwyneth Paltrow. I can't even...Someone on twitter wrote that it looked like Gwynnie was on her way to the gyno - in space. I agree. Her body looks amazing, as always, her legs go on for days, but from the side-boob to the ill-fitting heavy material, this was a bomb for Goopy.

Most annoyingly good: Rooney Mara. Fuck. I loathe Rooney with a passion and yet I can't fight my urge to embrace this dress. It's great, isn't it? Would be better on somebody else though, who didn't half-heartedly stand pigeon-toed in one position.

Most ugly supermodel: Anja Rubik. Oh Anja. I can't believe I'm saying this to my second-favourite hot babe lesbian supermodel but you look a mess. Eat a steak, take the sheet off and find a proper dress honey.

Most undecided: Cameron Diaz. I don't know if I'm down or not. It's inoffensive, it's a great colour on her, she's covered up for once, but is it too loose? And her hair is bad. If people are referencing "There's Something About Mary", it's bad.

 BEST Supermodel: Jessica Stam. OH MY GOD, I DIE. This is perfection. The pose, the giant 'fuck off' she has written on her forehead (with 'I'm the shit' in parentheses), the elaborate bodice...I bow down to the gorgeous Jessica. Beautiful.

Most wtf: Kirsten Dunst. Oh Kiki, what happened?!? You usually nail the red carpet! I even like your weirdo choices! But this is just ugly and boring! And a bad, bad colour. That is a very unflattering red and it clashes with the carpet too. No points.

Most surprising (good): Rosario Dawson. Wow. Where did you come from in your perfectly tailored leather?? I love a leather dress anyway, but this one is also floor-length, superbly fitted, and covering a tight body. Well done.

BEST EVER EVER

No surprise here, Cate Blanchett knocked it out of the park, out of the Upper East Side, out of the goddamn city. Flawless, as usual. And yet I never get sick of how perfect she is. I am always amazed.

Oh well done January Jones. Look at you in colour! In yellow!!! I don't even know what I like about it so much. I think it's the tailoring. I'm really into tailoring right now. Also, bitchface as she is, I am predisposed to liking everything Betty Draper wears ever since I saw her rock that electric blue Armani number (Google it if you don't know what I'm talking about - still incredible).

Marc Jacobs. In a lace see-through dress. There's nothing else to say.

Rihanna in Tom Ford is a vision, no? I gasped when I saw her. And I appreciate that she didn't mess with her face and ruin everything. She's so beautiful, I love when she looks like this. Who am I kidding, I love her always.

Carey Mulligan!!! Oh, sooooo beautiful. SO gorgeous, SO unexpected, SO spectacular. This was my favourite all night until this next bitch rocked up...

I mean...what is there to say? Does this need justification? Are any words that could aptly describe this? It took me a while to even realise there were purple feathers on it, I was so blinded by everything else, and then I almost passed out from the exquisiteness of what was happening. Beyonce in sheer, corseted Givenchy, mere months after giving birth - it sounds too much to ask for, doesn't it? So I shan't say anything else about it, I shall simply praise her on bended knee while I gaze at her adoringly. I don't know what we mere mortals did to deserve this gift, but I am grateful.

And that's it, another Met Gala done and dusted for the year. NOW what do we look forward to?

Evangelista for the win

If you follow celebrity gossip, fashion, are alive, etc, you may have heard about the current trial between Linda Evangelista and her ex-boyfriend Henri Francois-Pinault. They were together for four months when he dumped her for getting pregnant. He then requested that she get an abortion (these aren't my assumptions, he has admitted to both these facts in court). She opted to have the baby - her first, at 41 years old.

The trial is kind of a big deal because she's asking for $46,000 a month in child support (it would be a landmark case if she is successful). She's been branded a gold digger, selfish, unreasonable, etc. She does, after all, earn $1.8 million a year. Pinault earns a $5 million salary and he and his family are worth an estimated $13 billion. That ain't no typo, that is indeed billion. He also has a child with Salma Hayek, who he rekindled his relationship with soon after finishing it with Evangelista. Hayek soon got pregnant herself. They got married, and she had the baby.

Evangelista had had her son, Augustin, at this point but was not receiving any child support for the first few years of his life (he, like Hayek's daughter Valentina, is now 4). At the time, Pinault and Hayek were having some troubles with their pregnancy, believing their child to have Down's Syndrome. He asked L.E. to post-pone the trial during this stressful time. She acquiesced. He did not offer any financial support.

I can understand why many would see L.E. as a money-hungry gold-digger, trying to get hers. I can also understand that this would seem like an inordinately large amount of money for child support (for nannies, bodyguards, etc).

However.

Valentina, Pinault's 'legitimate' daughter with Hayek has a multi-million dollar trust fund already set up in her name. She also has a house worth $12 million that she is set to inherit when she turns 18. Not to mention the current status of her lavish lifestyle which she reaps the benefit from, and the luxuries Pinault heaps on her daily. He neglected to buy his son a gift for his last birthday and 'doesn't recall' what he bought him for Christmas.

Pinault does, however, spend approximately $260,000 on WATCHES for HIMSELF each year. He has a personal collection. But he can't shell out $46,000 a month for his CHILD. This is petty change to this douchebag.

L.E. is asking for a lot, and the kid probably doesn't need $46,000 each month. But as Pinault's other child, he is entitled to what Valentina gets. Who the fuck is Pinault to decide which offspring is worthy and more important? They're both yours, you douche. Sell a few of your watches, maybe?

Anyway, go Linda go! #getmoneybitch

My sanity...

So. Turns out watching Criminal Minds til all hours of the night, with your own pre-established anxious OCD tendencies in place, is a bit of a stupid idea. Consequences may involve lack of sleep, hallucinating strange men trying to kill you and standing over your bed, watching you sleep. Not exactly the makings of a peaceful night's sleep.

This show is addictive and hard as I try I cannot stop watching. In the past 24 hours I've bought 3 more seasons. I am self-aware enough to realise that I'm not exactly changing my situation (one could say I am exacerbating it...) so I deserve all my schizophrenic bouts of paranoia. But seriously it's gotten so bad, I'm wary of everybody. EVERYBODY. I imagine snipers on buildings, strangers on the street who approach me as murderers (no seriously, I had to stop myself running away from a middle-aged man who said "good day" to me on the street), I've even started spying on my new neighbours to see if they're weirdo psycho killers. And then I realised, if I can see them THEY CAN TOTALLY SEE ME!

Oh my God. My breathing is out of control. I love this show so much. But I'm scared of the dark, I think there are people under my bed and in my closet...and these idiosyncrasies were present before I became a fan of this show. Goddamn. If only the people in the show weren't so darn adorable and witty. This isn't just a murder crime show (which I would love anyway), but the people make it so much more than that.

I want to marry Spencer Reid. I want a relationship like Morgan and Garcia have (but I'll settle for just a Morgan). I want a Gideon to give me wise life advice. I want a Hotch-like stern, reasonable, overseeing presence. I also totally want nothing to do with any of them because oh my God, I would totally be murdered for sure if I had such strong ties with all of them. Held hostage and tortured at least. Which would obv be worse, I would clearly NEVER have a full nights'  sleep again. It'd be worth it though. I love these characterssss!

So I keep watching.

And looking over my shoulder.

And under my bed and in my wardrobe and into rooms as I pass and alleyways and INTO PEOPLES' WINDOWS.

This has to end.

Can't wait until S2 and 3 arrive though. After all, now that I'm all caught up on Gossip Girl (HI, THANKS WRITERS, CLEARLY YOU HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO ME, I AM IN HEAVEN) I have no other distractions. Woo! (Except for Survivor. But that can wait. I have too many shows.)

Oscars 2012: Dress Porn

There was no Cate Blanchett in Givenchy couture, but there were still a few hot babes at yesterday's Academy Awards. Props to everybody (most people) though for largely putting blush nude sparklies on the back burner. There was just so much colour! On some surprising people too! Kinda loved it. Note: I am indeed a hypocrite. I, myself, am never in colour and would probably choose a rad black outfit...but whatever. SO SUE ME. It's not like bloggers serve as the moral ethical compass of the universe. However, even Rooney Mara wasn't in black last night! There's hope for everybody! Even me.

And nowwwwww onto the dress porn!

I know, it IS reminiscent of Nicole's Balenciaga a few years ago, but I like Emma's better. I generally just like Emma better. She looks absolutely gorgeous and the bottom of the dress is a lot nicer than Nicole's was. I am just all over it. The fuchsia with the red hair is such a great combination. And what a face. If only she had Andrew Garfield on her arm...what a winning accessory that would've been. Sigh.

This isn't one of the better pics of Maya Rudolph's dress, but it did illustrate the back perfectly. It's a beautiful colour on her, fits well, drapes nicely, and the embellishment is just glamorous enough. Also, her hair and face. Whatta beauty.

I am not 'The Help's biggest fan, but even I had to acknowledge that this was Octavia Spencer's night. Holy crap, she looked amaze-balls. The draping and beading could not have been more beautiful or more flattering on her teeny little waist. This gown fits her like a glove, and she is owning it like.a.boss. She also went and kissed Jessica Chastain (co-star, nominee in same category) when she won so she is obviously gracious and thoughtful. There is nothing bad to say about this woman. She is faultless.

This physically pains me. I put Tina Fey on another Worst list and Rooney on my Best list. I hate myself. But even I cannot deny that this white creation is totally beautiful. I love it. I like seeing her in white, I like the boob bit, the red lipstick...it all works (bit sick of her blunt fringe though - we get it, you're 'edgy'). I would get married in this dress.

MICHELLE. IN COLOUR. She hasn't been in a colour this bold since her Vera Wang showstopper at the Oscars in 2006 (which will always, always go down in history as one of my all-time favourites, ever). It's not the most perfect dress, but it's pretty and it's RED and her hair is great. Total winner. Love seeing Michelle smiling and giddy and in colour. Happy claps!

Rose Byrne, you saucy little minx you. Where did all this chic sexiness come from? From the fab white jumpsuit at the Globes, to this glittery confection, I am all over it. I really particularly like the bottom of the dress, how it sort of nips in at the ankles as opposed to mermaid-ing out. Flawless styling. By the way: APPARENTLY this is actually midnight blue...I don't see it, but if it is, EVEN BETTER. But it doesn't translate.

Well, it's not all about the dress porn I guess. Christopher Plummer rocked a blue velvet tux and I DIE. Look at him! He is the king! He was a lock for Best Supporting Actor and I still jumped like a maniac when they announced his name. Dude is 82 years old, the oldest Oscar winner ever and he expected a standing ovation - which he rightfully received. And let's face it, his wife is a babe too. She was better dressed than a lot of young bitches in attendance.

BRANGELINAAAA!!!!! So she was in black, and doing weird poses all night, BUT OH MY GOD SO GORGEOUS!!!! The structured beauty of this dress, the hair, that face, BRAD, it was all workin' for the Brange last night. Can you indulge me as I post some more pics of them pleeeeaaase? Sweet.

Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! King and Queen of Hollywood, you continue your reign with beauty and Pitt Porn. Love it.

And now, for my top two! Dun dun dunnn.

NO, DUH. GWYNETH. IN TOM FORD. AND A CAPE. It doesn't get much better than this folks, this was a proper Fashion Moment. There were audible gasps when Gwynnie appeared on the red carpet. I am still in awe. SHE WORE A CAPE. A beautifully designed cape. The crisp white and clean lines make this the perfect minimalist Oscars gown. Oh my God.

Was there ever any doubt? My girl Jessica Chastain had wowed me already during this awards season with the white Givenchy and she did not disappoint at the Oscars. Her tumbling red waves and porcelain skin off-set this McQueen gown to perfection. It fit her like a second skin (but, better) and enhanced her curves while still being fashionable and interesting. This lady is one to watch in her career but also, always, on the red carpet. Very interesting choices. And she is so gosh darn sweet. You just sort of want all good things for her, ya know? L-O-V-E.

Oscars 2012: Try Harder Bitches

Look, let's not beat around the bush...it was NOT a standout year. There were no glaring horrors, but there were no gasp-inducing showstoppers either (well, except maybe one...).

SO TRY HARDER NEXT YEAR YOU DUMB HOES, YOU GET PAID MILLIONS TO DRESS YOURSELVES UP AND HAVE YOUR PICTURE TAKEN SO GIVE US SOMETHING GOOD.

Ugh.

I may be coming down a little hard on them though. At least there wasn't a whole fucking wash of blush nude sequin things. Blah blah, you're probably scrolling past me ranting...onto the dresses!

Get yer shit together, repeat offenders!

Really Cam? She of the customised Chanel couture? A nude, strapless, ruffled thing? This is all you have to offer? It must be the shame of humping on P. Diddy getting you down. Good. You SHOULD feel ashamed of yourself. You're better than this. In every way. Still loving your cute bob though. Props where props are due.

HOW has this woman been to the Academy Awards ten times? TEN. TIMES. A DECADE. She has never been nominated! To put this into perspective...Brad has attended three times. That's Brad Pitt. Also, she looks like shit. This ain't the Grammy's you dumpster-diving ho (seriously, I hate Caspar Smart. I can't believe she can't see what we see. A pathetic, gross faux-mance with a little boy!)

Oh. I guess this is kinda cute. Stacy came dressed as an Oscar, because she thought her bf would have one at the end of the night. Pity it's cheap and nasty and vile. Dear Lord. By the way, George, you're standing pigeon-toed...and you look short...time to trade this one in my friend. And please keep in mind that this strategy isn't working for you. The average-but-pretty, nondescript escort is not necessary. You are so damn charming and funny, that's all you needed for your Oscar campaign. That's how Jean swiped it from ya. (Okay, there might have been other factors, but don't doubt me my friends - Stacy is a strategy and nothing more, I promise you. And she, as a strategy, failed.)

Kristen. Kristen Kristen Kristen. After a series of boring, nude, blah ensembles throughout the awards season, you turn up to the Academy Awards in a boring, nude, blah ensemble. I don't know what to say about this. I love and adore you and I know you're better than this. you've disappointed me. You wrote a hilarious, fun, raunchy, amazing comedy and you mack on with FABRIZIO MORETTI. WHAT. IS. THIS?

I mean, it's not her worst...and I totally understand her desire to have her arms covered, but the sleeves are my least favourite bit. I feel like this could have been saved with different sleeves...more structured material maybe? It just feels like an overwhelming abundance of flawy material. Yep, needed different, slim-fitting sleeves. STUNN-ING face though. Heavenly.

Oh God, I am so torn about this. It started off as a hot mess for me, then I decided I loved it, now I don't know? In some pics it looks so much nicer...but in most, it looks like a bit of a gold disaster. I like the style, the draping, her teeny waist...yeah, I dunno.

As if it's not bad enough that it's sanctimonious douchelord Natalie Herschlag, she goes and rocks up in polka dots. I mean...it's like you're not even trying. Is the message you're trying to send here "ugh, I already have one of these, don't you know I have a baby now? Fine, I'll perform by Best Actress duties then I am going to immerse myself back into the creation of creation that is creating Motherhood. Also, no big deal, but look how tiny my waist is"? Because we get it. But we also fucking hate you for it.

Argh, this one pains me. I love you Pene but really? A lavender ball gown? Come onnnn it's not interesting or nice AT ALL. But you're so pretty....however, you didn't bring Javier Bardem with you. You stay in the Bad Book.

Tina. Tina Tina Tina. After so many years of being one of my 'Bests', always, lately you've been disappointing me. This dress looks largely inoffensive (the top half at least), but I have a problem with stiff material that sort of drapes and hangs...it looks so unflattering. If it's not fitted to perfection...it just looks like a lot of excess material. Is it...baby brain? Kidding, I love you, don't hate me!

I think I may have heard some fashion commentators speaking of this outfit positively...in which case...maybe they have baby brain too. I find this to be a horrendously unflattering fit, a frankly offensive colour and also...I just don't get it. So many details. So much extra. P.S. No offence, but so glad Viola Davis didn't win Best Actress!!! I hate The Help. So racist and dangerous. Props for the Academy for not rewarding it so lavishly like everybody else did.

Et voila! Another awards show, another Worst post. Coming up next, my Bests and my fave moments. Stay tuned lovers x