LESS. FUCKING. RED. ON THE RED CARPET. And other eye-twitch inducing outfits.

I just had a few glasses of wine, sorry for getting so shouty so early. You should have heard me in real-time watching the actual red carpet/awards ceremony today. Shit got real.

Basically…I say this every year…and, unbelievably, Hollywood still is not listening (I know, I really thought my over-inflated sense of ego was more influential than it was) and today the red carpet was a sea of samey red. And samey silver. And underwhelming blahs.

Basicaly, it was a less-than-dazzling array on display.

Dresses that had me seeing red (I can't think of a better pun, I'm so tired, shut up, YOU have bags under your eyes! I'm sorry, wait, you're pretty)

No shade, Allison Janney is great. She can wear whatever fucking colour she wants to.

This is a red ball gown. On a boring Allison Williams. I have nothing else to say here. It is what it is.

Oh look, more red. CZJ is looking pretty great though. So, that's a thing. 

If you do it like Dame Helen Mirren, fine. If not, GTFO. No exceptions.

Literally my brain is running out of my ears I can't think of anything else to say about these red dresses. Julianna Marguiles is very pretty though, I'm always shocked again by how striking her face is. Just saying.

I refuse to dedicate any further specific thought/attention to Lena Dunham. She's clearly trolling us by wearing the most ill-fitting dresses in the universe so she can continue to do so as is her will. I'm over her schtick.

This is better than her usual. In that I didn't cringe when I saw it. Well, not for any other reason than it was red. Small victories!!!

I felt like the sea of red was overwhelming today and it was just like 'oh man ANOTHER one?' and it felt relentless. This sounds dramatic. But when one (me) looks forward to awards show season all year (since the last show) with the utmost anticipation (more than Christmas) and then they're not blown away (pouting at my desk pondering the meaning of life), it's quite a comedown. For a more in-depth analysis of my feelings on the crimson hued gowns of award shows past, read literally any other blog post I've written.

The sparkly blush nude of 2015

She seems as blah and generic and 'nothing' as Anastasia Steele. So, I guess, good job.

Ugh, SWOON. What a standout couple. I may be biased due to Pacey Witter hanging off her arm but Diane Kruger never ever disappoints me. She has elevated this hue to something stunning and interesting.

The SECOND she stepped onto the red carpet (and I glimpsed her lady bits) I mused that she was probably wearing Zuhair Murad. She was. It was not a compliment. 

I wanted to like this more than I did. But I was over feathers in 2013. Also…Ricardo Tisci's association with that Kardashian have tainted him forever in my eyes. She should have stuck to Tom Ford. But let's be real, this stunning redhead can never look bad.

WHO is Kate Beckinsale sleeping with to keep getting invited to present every year?!?! Seriously, who? Asking for a friend...

This was even more underwhelming on screen than it is here. I get that she's probably building to a big Oscar moment…but…it's been so long since we've even had a great Reese Witherspoon moment that I am not optimistic (remember the post-divorce canary yellow Nina Ricci?? Or the vintage black Valentino at her first Globes? Or the amazing, amazing vintage Dior gown when she won her Oscar?!). But I am hopeful. Because when she does it well, Reese knocks it out of the park. But maybe let's leave Calvin Klein aside for a while now, it has not served her well.

The Not-distinctive-enough-to-create-a-new-category-but-should-probably-be-acknowledged-anyway Category

This actually pains me. God, I love her. But why the gloves. Dammit. I feel like maybe my astronomical expectations were slightly too high. Pretending this just didn't happen and you can't convince me otherwise lalalala otherwise it's perfect.

On the red carpet, Claire said she was wearing 'art'. I didn't see that dress but I did see this blanket one!

Emily Blunt will always get bonus points from me regardless, but this is a beautiful (if not slightly ordinary) dress anyway. She gets to be married to John Krasinski too. And she is awesome in her own right. EMILY WHEN CAN WE BE FRIENDS ALREADY?

Amy was going to be torn apart by me for being boring and then I was overcome by gowns of red and silver and magically, Amy Adams was then elevated beyond 'blah'. Which I am happy about because I actually really like her and am looking forward to her own Oscar year as it will be so beyond well-deserved.

This was actually pretty awful and I naively thought Jen would try harder. The sequins looked cheap, the accessories were dated, her hair look stringy somehow even in an UP-DO, and her shoes are from 2001. I can't even. For somebody so banging, Jennifer Aniston consistently disappoints (but then, she's always had assy style).

I just…I don't know what to do here. From far away she looks great, but up close, that material is tacky as fuck (i.e. it's a big old mess. i.e. she's a Monet). That face though…and her hair…! I would pay big bucks to buy every strand and follicle of those locks from her scalp and have them for myself. Stunning.

Naomi has already had a 'Yellow' moment. But this is beautiful. So it's a wash. No points lost.

TOO PAINFUL, CAN'T TALK. LOVE YOU ALWAYS OLIVIA BUT WHYYYY? I WISH YOU WOULD HAVE JUST LET ME FIX THIS.

Haha. Hahahahahahaha. Baby brain is funny. Keira boasted about her gown taking 'more than 30 people' from Chanel 'over a week to make this dress' but I barely heard her because I was still laughing at her recycled toilet brush holder 'dress'.

My clouded, biased judgment of Kate Hudson almost made me overlook this Versace abomination. I inexplicably adore her beyond words but this dress looked trashy. I already know she has an incredible physique, she didn't have to show me like this.

This is…fine. Julia Louis Dreyfus is always fine, but I'm ready to be wowed by her now. Somebody this fabulous has to have a better gown selection than this.

Another case of letting my expectations reach stratospheric heights…I don't actually recall ever seeing Rosamund Pike in something I *don't* love in recent times. Seriously. LOVE. And then she turned up in this dress today and then everything I knew to be truth and fact and real in this world was destroyed. I don't even know. 

So that wraps up the 'mehs' - I'm sorry if you're asleep or you didn't make it through that post but you wouldn't even know because you wouldn't have made it this far down so my apology is worthless and yet, here I am, apologising. Stay tuned though - the highlights are still to come!

Emmys 2014

I'm not gonna lie - I barely heard any of the Emmys itself today. I was at work (shocking, I know, I actually do it sometimes) and missed most of the show, so for once I will keep my opinions to myself and not try and pretend I know what the highlights were.

Just insert something witty and pithy here and marvel at my well-researched entertainment blog. Go ahead, I'll wait.

I DO however have opinions on the winners/losers/FASHUN. Well actually regarding the first two categories, I basically just disagree with almost every single award and it makes me a little ragey to think about it again. Pretty much the only one I cheered for was Julia Louis Dreyfus for Veep, and even then I was quietly hoping for Leslie Knope Poehler.

Whatever.

Tatiana Maslany wasn't even nominated, Downton Abbey was, The Big Bang Theory and Modern Family still won stuff and it was glaringly evident that the Emmys are still living in about three years ago. So I guess we just wait for them to catch up and look at the dresses. Are you even still reading this?

It was tough, but I narrowed it down to the worst/best 10.

Worst
In no particular order, these dresses all made me mad. Eugh.

I'm never really into Alison Williams and this is no exception. Way too much Try. And still boring. Go home, Marnie.

Just…a total hot mess. The print, the cut, the hair, the belly cupping, cannot get down with any of it. Amanda Peet I never thought you'd make me mad. But here we are.

RED. TAFFETA. I CAN'T.

Ugh, again with the belly cupping. Can we all agree this is just gross? I can see you're pregnant, I get it, you'll get a few extra shots in Us Weekly for being with child, you don't have to cup the damn belly. 

OMG. This is actually horrendous. As annoying as she is, Kaley Cuoco is cute and blonde and it shouldn't be this hard to make her look good. I don't even know.

Hahaha. Hahahahahaha. Totally apt for Kathine Heigl. Hahahaha.

Now Kerry, don't be pissing me off. Everything you used to do was amazing! What's happening here?! Is that a sparkly disco skirt peaking through your gown?!?!

I know at this point Lena is doing this on purpose. I am still putting her on my Worst list, even if she orchestrated it this way for her own hipster agenda. You're not actually Sia bitch!

Again with the red taffeta. And accompanied by a crop top no less. I mean. Sarah Hyland, ladies and homosexual gentlemen. 

UUUUUGHHHHH. This is the best pic I could find that truly illustrated the nature of this dress. This cutesy, ill-fitting disaster of a dress. Zooey, once again, we get it. You are the quirky pretty girl with the baby doll eyelashes but your aesthetic is so forced that it's completely unpalatable. I quit this bitch. Let's cleanse…

Best

It was a weirdly blah awards show and this was by far the best on offer, but I was actually pleasantly surprised by a few people! Like, super unlikely contenders. Maybe I am maturing or something and opening my mind but seriously…wow. 

MY GIRL! You are looking spectacular Anna Chlumsky and also simultaneously making me feel extremely old. 

No big deal, Christine Baransky just turning it out and showing em all how it's done. This might be the best of the night. I mean damn.

She's insane and her hair could use some work and it's red, but fuck me if January Jones doesn't always make it onto my best dressed list. There's always interesting details in her outfits and the fit is heavenly and I want those shoes. Yet another win for this crazy babe!

Wait this might be my other total overall favourite of the night…I'm torn. Definitely the best legs for sure. I am a little shocked quite frankly because I haven't seen Julia looking this fantastic in a long time, sartorially speaking (let's be real, she is stunning always but her outfits are often more than a little cracked out). Yay!

Look, credit where credit is due. Julie Bowen usually always makes it onto my Worst list but I am big enough to admit that this is straight-up gorgeous. It's an interesting print, great cut, and it's not red or blushnudesparkly. Additionally, her makeup is really flattering and that usually always lets her down! Great job Carol Vessey, you knocked it out of the park (but Team Bonnie forever ngl). Just, seriously, have I mentioned how pleasantly surprised I am? This isn't taffeta!!!

Kiernan Shipka always and forever belongs on the Best list. How she always nails 'stunning', 'age-appropriate', 'interesting', 'classic' and 'fashion-forward' is beyond me, but this 14 year old is going places and I'm excited to witness it. 

Kristen Wiig is that you?! Once again, someone usually found in something drab or blushnudesparkly looks like an absolute knockout and it pleases me. I knew she had it in her. Honestly, I'm getting choked up.

I can't find a good enough picture that illustrates why I liked this so much onscreen, but to be honest, it's slim pickings from this year's red carpet so Lucy can stay. Chris we did like this today right?!

THIS IS HOW YOU DO RED. AND CURVES. I MEAN SHIT. Octavia Spencer is so beautiful and this gown hugs her in all the right places and just…I'm speechless. 

First of all, she was robbed. Second of all, DAAAAAYUMMMMM! Robin wins. Errrrthing. Oh dang. I am breathless and fanning myself I'm not even being dramatic. Bow down bitches.

Okay, I'm tired and I'm worried I don't know what I like anymore and if we're maybe fighting now, but there it is. The Emmys are over for another year. I love awards shows. 

Yonce all in his mouth like liquor...

I can't get this damn song out of my head. I don't want to get this damn song out of my head. I want to play Yonce all night and all day and most importantly, I want her to keep playing me. It is just so damn enjoyable.

Of course she's playing us with these amazing stunts like the 2014 BeyonceMAs but she does it so darn well that I'm happy to go along with it. She trotted out the BIC and I can't throw shade because it was endearing and sweet and all the good things. When she clapped and exclaimed 'Go mommy!' my dusty, cold, cavernous heart burst with joy and adoration and AWW. A few ovaries exploded, I'm sure. Blue Ivy Carter is adorable and I cannot wait until she is President of the Free World.

I don't even know what to say about Bey's performance of every song from her album that probably hasn't been said on the internet already. I mean DAMN. Why did anyone else even bother to show up?! (To revel in her glory, I guess?) Because nothing would have defeated me more as an artist than seeing Queen B SLAY like that. There are no words. We were just privileged to witness it.

Unfortunately, the video seems to have disappeared from the internet (did it fall off???) but as if you can even forget. Look at the pretty and remember:

I CAN'T EVEN.

And while we're on the topic, I'm happy to share my thoughts in a public forum about what is goin' down with this billion dollars on the elevator. I think it's coming. It's inevitable. The conscious uncoupling will arrive and it will be handled flawlessly and in Bey's own time. She started out as an ingenue she and Jay quickly became equals and it seemed insane to even picture them apart because they are so perfectly matched.

However.

The time has come where Yonce has outgrown him. He's played his part in her history and now she is more relevant and iconic than ever. It's inescapable. But she'll be fine and she'll let us know when it's happening. I've made peace with it in advance. And besides, they will both be there at BIC's Inauguration (possibly performing).

Honourable Mention

Haters gonna hate but I feel like more haters are letting it go and getting on board with Miley nowadays, as I've always predicted. Twerking had it's place and time and it achieved everything she wanted, resulting in her award for 'Wrecking Ball'. Miley knows when it's time to grow and how to make statements in diverse and interesting ways and I am so curious to see where this goes. And I think she looks great.

Dishonourable Mention

Bitch, how DARE. 

I don't care if it was meant as a positive homage or what, but Katy Perry is not, and will never be, Britney Spears, or even anywhere in the same realm. Before Yonce decided to take the universe and claim it as her own, the VMAs were Britney's and hers alone. So, so many of it's iconic moments we continue to relive today are due to her performances (snake around her shoulders for 'I'm a Slave 4 U', nude sequinned bodysuit, mackin' on with Madonna, etc.) that for Katy to try and hijack one of them…NO.

Never forget, Justin. This is where you came from. Britney made you.