The highlights package

Ahhh one awards show is already over for the year. It's bittersweet, especially as Amy and Tina did such a magnificent job hosting again, but that's just how the world works and we have to accept it. Awards Season is fleeting, intense and spectacular and I wouldn't have it any other way.

1. Amy and Tina
Pretty much anything associated with one or the other is bound to be good, but the two of them together create true magic. And giggles. My two favourites were:

"Gravity: It's the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age!"

"And now, like a supermodel's vagina, let's all give a warm welcome to Leonardo Dicaprio!"

OH AND RANDY!

And Tina throwing some shade on Taylor Swift made my night. After Amy won, Tina ecstatically hugged her and said "I love you, there's a special place in hell for you!" Swifty of course infamously said of Amy and Tina, "there's a special place in hell for women who don't support other women" after they made a joke about her hooking up with Michael J Fox's son at last year's Golden Globes. Because Swift is the worst. But Tina is the best and so she slammed her.

Whatever, it's all the best, just watch it.

2. LESLIE KNOPE FINALLY WINS.

See above video.

3. JLaw and Nicholas Hoult finally attend something proper together 
So now I can watch them be like, the hottest couple ever.

4. Julia Louis Dreyfus snubs Reese Witherspoon 

And it's the best.

5. Elisabeth Moss flips off the stupid Mani Cam
TWICE!

6. Two of my favourite people become one
Tina: Amy Poehler is nominated for her work on Parks and Recreation
Amy: I believe Amy is here tonight. Can we get a shot of her?
Tina: She looks fantastic!
Amy: She looks amazing! Wow, radiant! It is hard to believe she's a 42-year old mother of two.

7. Cate Blanchett. Just everything.
Especially when she told Leonardo Dicaprio that she hated Ryan Seacrest right after her interview. Hahahaha. Haha. Love her.

8. Robert Downey Jr
It's the WORST when he isn't at an award's show. I always miss him. I'm glad he was at this one.

9. Emma Thompson
For entertaining us and being Emma Thompson.

10. Jennifer Lawrence photo-bombing Taylor Swift
This would have been better if they didn't then fawn all over each other and gush about their friendship. Instead, I prefer to pretend that right after the photo bomb happened, JLaw crash-tackled Swifty to the ground.

Aaaaaand I'm out. But don't worry my gorgeous Gossip Lovers, awards season has only just begun. Come back for the Grammy's, SAGs, and whatever other trash in between. Yay!

The very best of the 71st Golden Globe Awards

Finally! We are getting to the light at the end of a sometimes bleak and often shit-covered tunnel!

With no further ado let's get to the good stuff.

Lupita Lyong'o is so bloody beautiful it's ridiculous. Collective gasps around the office proved this was an immediate favourite (even if it has the essence of Gwyneth's white Tom Ford cape...still good).

Yaaaaaay Tina recovered beautifully from the flamingo tragedy that will heretofore never be mentioned again!

HOLY HELL HOW STUNNING IS AMY POEHLER? I mean, I already knew but DAMN she is looking INCREDIBLE. I don't believe there is any language superfluous enough to describe her. 

FIST PUMP ALSO FOR LESLIE KNOPE FINALLY WINNING A GODDAMN AWARD. 

Should I even bother explaining? Flawless Cate remains flawless. Forever. Cate Blanchett wins alllll of the awards. Seriously. Just give her all of them.

Oh hey Margot Robbie you are so my new favourite!!! Really like that she did not pair this with a boring white shoe or something. So, so, so gorgeous and that dress fits her like a glove. And can we please note how effortlessly she recovered from having nothing to read on the teleprompter? Not bad for a rookie.

Honourable Mention

This bitch. Love everything.

PHEW. So clothes are done for another year I just have one last post coming up with highlights from the show! Stay tuned and thanks for reading! I just love award season. Swoooon.

I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed

WHICH IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN ANGER BECAUSE I EXPECTED BETTER FROM ALL OF YOU WHAT THE HELL.

I had to create a whole new list because I couldn't bear to put these ladies on a 'Worst' list. That's how painful this is for me. That's how deep the love is. I just want you all to know this is as hard for me as it is for you to hear. Okay? Let's still be friends afterwards.

Believe it or not, this is Emma Watson. Emma Watson is usually elegant, tastefully edgy and refreshingly youthful. And today she wore a red jersey half-dress over black pants with blue shoes. What is happening.

Noooooooo! JLaw!!!!!! I don't even hate the dress, but WHY is she wearing blue eye-shadow, brown lipstick and green earrings?! Who allowed this to happen? How can anyone even make Jennifer Lawrence anything less than perfectly stunning? Is Rachel Zoe still her stylist? I don't get it. My heart hurts.

Psht. This is largely inoffensive but it's so...blah. I thought Kerry would be a really cool and stylish pregnant starlet a la Cate Blanchett because she is such a risk-taker usually. But this is such a mediocre Balenciaga I can't help but feel robbed. Also...she is belly cupping. Ugh.

Oh Sandy, Sandy, Sandy. I have no words. But just know that I still love you. And we will forget this ever happened, okay?

Literally gasped and covered my face with my hands when I first saw her, right Chris? Right. The flamingoes, the fabric, the sad half-up, half-down hair, it's all bad. I can't think of a single thing to save her from this ensemble. OTHER THAN HOW AWESOME SHE IS. So Tina still wins. Phew.

People who make me want to punch myself in the face with excitement

...because I don't want to punch myself in the face with rage.

Which is an improvement, I guess? Solid effort from these guys, with an altogether pleasing after-effect. Like palate cleansers, even!

Okay, okay hear me out. Elisabeth Moss looked stunning when I first saw her, and I don't think the bottom is enough to detract from how pleased this initially made me. Also she added some more vibrant red lippy which was divine when she won her award and graced the stage. Some eyeliner wouldn't have gone astray though, and better shoes. Just saying.

Emilia Clarke has barely ever had a mis-step I think. This was really structured and made me smile and I can't hate on Daenarys, lesbereal.

Jordan Catalano has a Golden Globe!!! How lovely is Jared Leto when he comes to play?? So dapper and pretty and that luscious hair! Oh how I wish he wore it out. Just divine.

This isn't the best picture of Jessica Chastain's dress, but you can see the detail nicely. This is a good black dress for when you know the evening is not about you, but you still want to look nice. Well done gorgeous Jessica, my gorgeous queen. But just like last year, this hair is not working for me (or you) and also some eye makeup would have enhanced everything so nicely...

I just really like this picture. HEY GUYS LEMME BE YOUR FRIEND.

Gorgeous, gorgeous family. Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon are so bangin' still, and look so in love, I would be devastated if anything happened to this union. Stunning daughter too, but how could she fail with those genes?

Another ridiculously gorgeous couple. Liev's suit fits impeccably and Naomi is stunning in Tom Ford. Not that she ever gets it wrong anyway. I wish I could find a picture of the back detail too, that neckline extended down the low-cut back of the dress, so pretty.

Ladies and gents, Nicholas Hoult, aka my #2 (preceded only by my #1 Taylor Kitsch) who also happens to be dating my #2 lady, Jennifer Lawrence (Sara Quin is #1 forever as if you needed to ask). Look at those eyes. Oh my goodness, my stomach is doing somersaults.

Sort of pains me to admit as I don't really like her but she looks stunning. Super pregnant, super beautiful. Credit where credit is due Olivia Wilde. 

People who had me wanting to punch myself in the face with rage

But before we get down to the dirty glossy gown gossip - Merry Awards Show Season! May we have an abundantly fruitful buffet of Gossip and boozy acceptance speeches in 2014!

It's definitely my favourite time of year so please join me in dissecting every single second. And my, wasn't there a lot of shit on the red carpet this year? Seriously, on top of the vile trash gowns, the red carpet this morning was literally covered in sewage. Like, actual shit. Which means that all your favourites had to wade through faeces as they made their way inside the venue.

Stars, they're just like us.

Anyway onto the show! Below you will find what I thought were the worst offerings on display today and why I felt this way. Or I will present the picture without comment, with a deluge of vitriolic slander  or simply some heinous swearing. And you will just have to accept this. Sidenote: this is the most colour we have seen from a red carpet in a while though! My powers, they're working.

Amber Heard has old lady hair and thinks she is worthy of being at the Globes because she is banging Johnny Depp. But Johnny Depp is a joke now and has dumb hair and ditched the mother of his children to be with this one. Kate Moss, Winona Ryder, Vanessa Paradis, Amber Heard...one of these things is not like the others. Also did I mention that her hair is super ugly and the satin of this dress was super heavy and vile? 

I always hope for so much more from Amy Adams. Genuinely adore her, but I'm sure most girls from my generation remember styling their own hair like this back in the day. For school photos. Or just, like, a Thursday. Also the super long necklace, shades of red, odd fit, and the lack of makeup did nothing to enhance lovely Amy's beauty.

Ugh. We get it Drew Barrymore you are pregnant and experiencing the miracle of life. Nobody in the history of the world has ever been pregnant before you (other than Natalie Portman obviously). Hate when cool people get lame and try and shove motherhood down the throats of the mommy majority. Also pink and red flowers. Blegh.

Not that I expected more from Giuliana Rancic, but the consistency of her shit choices somehow continues to surprise me. What even is this. On TV it looked like a poo-red colour. It is a boring ballgown. AND it looked like she had foundation over her lips - I hate this. A subtle pink gloss would have done wonders.

It may be Tom Ford but Hayden Panettiere did not pull this off. Hate this neckline on her and I hate her hair. But I guess props for trying?

I can't even...

JULIE BOWEN WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT TAFFETA BEFORE. IT SHOULD NEVER BE SEEN LET ALONE WORN. Also purple + red? Is it Valentine's Day? Hate the old timey hair too. But I will give her points for great makeup. She often fucks this up but she did look gorgeous today.

Haha. Hahahahahaha. Kaley Cuoco probs thought she would still be fake-dating Superman at this point, and it all went tits up (due to being a blatantly, awkwardly obvious PR stunt). And now the shit from the red carpet is leaching into her dress and working its way up. Hahaha.

I guess this is sort of an improvement for Kelly Osbourne but this is just a mediocre re-tread of a dress that has been done to death. Also her hair is still purplegrey and those shoes are gross. No points.

WHY WITH THE TAFFETA? AND THE YELLOW! I just...what? It is clearly ill-fitting, and therefore unflattering, the colour is obscene and this face Lena Dunham was making all day was ridiculous. This dress actually makes me mad. I quit this bitch. (Jokes! New season of Girls tonight which is actually very exciting)

See what happens when you start banging Ashton Kutcher? His grossness seeps into your pores and your skin turns to shit and your style flies out the window. This could have been saved because the top is quite good, but overall it's just a big old mess. I had high hopes for you Mila Kunis, but you've been infected by something nasty and it shows.

I don't know why Paula Patton is ever at these things but she needs to sit the fuck down. Also those dirty ruffles on her shoulder made me laugh. This ain't about you lady so take your filthy sheets and hide under them with your gross husband.

I'm not biased with regards to Reese Witherspoon. Like, I hate her, and I think her tirade when she got arrested last year was perfectly indicative of the bitch I believe her to be, but I don't like putting her on all my 'Worst' lists lately. I used to love Reese's red carpet steeze. Those days seem to truly be gone now though. Insert sadface here. I'll remember you always, vintage black beaded Valentino...

This one hurts. I love, love, love Taylor Schilling in 'Orange is the New Black' but this is awful. The worst part was how baggy the front section was whenever she moved. Horrifically unflattering (which...how is this possible, with that body?) and the styling was just as bad. 

Fucking taffeta. You know how I feel about this material (see above). Then again, I feel similarly about Taylor Swift (should never be seen on a red carpet, rigid, stiff, unpleasant to have around, etc.) so maybe they're a match made in heaven. Taffeta and Taylor Swift deserve each other. 

Genuinely do not understand how someone as beautiful as Zooey Deschanel can look so awful. I've really come around to Zooey since watching 'New Girl' so I do want the best for her...but this is not it. Oh, also: nail art can die now, yes?

Stop slut-shaming Miley

And hop on the bandwagon before you realise you're the only one left. Seriously.

This is not a girl who is going off the rails. This is not a girl who is spiralling out of control. And most importantly, this is not one fucked up ex-Disney kid. In her own words, "it's a strategic hot mess."

But before I delve further and start ranting about my favourite topic lately, let's address the slut-shaming. Why, ladies? Because it's mostly you, judging by those I speak to. To be clear right off the bat, Liam Hemsworth, dreamy Australian dreamboat that he is, cheated on Miley. Apparently multiple times. He stepped out on her with January Jones right back in February and there are many,  many more rumours and blind items in gossip-land where that came from. Even Hollyscoop knows that if Lainey said it, that shit is true.

BUT ANYWAY, Miley likes to party. She is discovering her independence. SHE CUT HER HAIR. Well obviously I guess he HAD to cheat. Please. Trying to put the blame on Miley in this situation is bullshit.

And while we're talking about slut-shaming, in the time Miley was exclusively dating Liam Hemsworth, Taylor Swift publicly dated Taylor Lautner, Jake Gyllenhaal (how could you Jakey?!), John fucking Mayer, Connor Kennedy and Harry Styles (that one still hurts). And those are just the ones we know about. Clearly, slut-shaming Miley is not actually about her being a slut but simply about aesthetic appeal, or lack thereof, according to the vapid masses (though even if she was banging 100 dudes a day, who gives a shit? Ladies we need to stop slut-shaming!)

Really though, she wasn't being 'pretty' and sexy and that was the problem. Miley killed Hannah Montana so she's the devil and Taylor Swift apparently spends her free time making jam and continuing to remind you that big bad meanie Kanye West hurt her feelings and can therefore bang as many guys as she wants and still maintain her pristine reputation.

No, seriously:

I'd rather hang out with Miley any day of the week. She is funny, strangely unfiltered, and self-aware (as her SNL hosting gig would attest) and she's refreshingly honest for a celebrity. Especially one that has grown up in the public eye and should, by all intents and purposes, be a robot/incarcerated by now.

If you haven't seen the documentary 'The Movement', hurry up, it's fascinating viewing. It's glaringly obvious that this is somebody who is in control of her career and understands the importance of growing up with your audience in order to have any kind of longevity. Tellingly, her idol is Britney Spears. It was Britney that so successfully did what so many others could not (Christina, Avril, etc). She was one step ahead of her audience but they grew, even 'moved' with her. Miley gets it.

So it doesn't matter that she keeps you talking by dancing half naked and grinding up on Robin Thicke (who, of course, escaped any criticism after the VMAs despite being a middle-aged married man grinding up on a 20-year old girl, but hey, after the vile misogyny in his "Blurred Lines" vid, I guess I should just accept society is down with Robin Thicke and willing to give him a free pass). It just matters that you're talking about Miley.

"That's why I never complain about people wanting autographs or pictures. Because if there were a few days where no one asked, I'd probably be like, 'What the fuck's going on? Do people not like me?' I hate the paparazzi - but when they're not sitting there waiting for, you're like 'Who's bigger news? Who are you trying to get a picture of?'"

See? She gets it. Not all celebrities are that candid, but they're all the same and they're all playing the game.

And FINALLY. She has the talent to back it all up. I think she surprised a lot of people on Saturday night and I think she will continue to do so.

P.S. Read her Rolling Stone interview. Definitely worth ten minutes of your time.

How to cope with the abrupt cancellation of your new favourite show

So that show that you love, the one that you watch every week online to stay super current mere seconds after it first gets broadcast in the US, gets cancelled by those jerks, The Man. Lately, such important artistic works as ‘30 Rock’, ‘The Bitch in Apt 23’ and my personal favourite ‘Good Christian Bitches’ are dead. And yet 'The Big Bang Theory', 'Two and a Half Men' and 'Dancing with the Assholes' continue to prosper. 

It’s a lot to take.

So how does one process all the disappointment year after year after year? Why even bother becoming attached to a new show? Why watch to begin with? Is it better to remain oblivious to the weird, very specific joy, one feels when one has found one’s new show? Or is it worth all the pain just to have that blissful discovery of a new season/pilot? 

It is worth it, it totally is. Sure, there will be anxiety and disappointment when the series about the Aesthetically Perfect Teens who want to be together but who might also be siblings and their friends, the Gay Couple made up of one confused dude and a girl masquerading as a guy at an all-boys boarding school (R.I.P. ‘Young Americans’ – never forget) gets canned, but hey, a select few will always cherish those six amazing episodes. Note: this show aired and ended thirteen years ago and it still hurts to talk about. Imagine my pain as I currently struggle with the fact that I discovered and watched 'Good Christian Bitches' two weekends ago and now will only ever have those ten blissful, hilarious episodes in my lifetime.

It’s just important to know how to cope with the inevitable demise of awesome batshit insane tv shows and go through the 5 important stages of grieving.

1      1.  Shock: it’s hard to believe that not everybody appreciates the genius that you so clearly see. Don’t doubt yourself – it’s definitely them, your show is rad.

  

        2.  Sadness: it’s okay to be sad. You should mourn what you had. The next little bit will feel bad.

3 

        3.  Anger: THOSE DICKS! HOW DARE THEY TAKE YOUR HAPPINESS AWAY. NOW WHAT WILL YOU DO ON A SATURDAY NIGHT WHEN YOU LIE TO YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT WHY YOU CAN'T GO OUT JUST SO YOU CAN STAY IN BED WATCHING TV IN YOUR PAJAMAS? (I never do this. I love you guys. I just get really unexpectedly busy sometimes so I absolutely, positively have to cancel on you).

4 

        4. More extreme sadness: you’ve realized just how much you’re going to be missing and at this point, it’s perfectly acceptable to cry. Also, watch the entire series chronologically from the beginning. This helps.

5 

        5. Oh, freakin’ sweet, Mindy Kaling got her own show? It's already been renewed for a new season? Cool.

        At least we won't have to worry about Game of Thrones for a while...