Step it up Hollywood!

So the Golden Globes were on Monday. Jesus fucking Christ what a disappointment. Never have I been so saddened by such a huge cohort of Hollywood celebs and their fashion sense. What is the goddamn excuse to look like shit in a puffball metallic sateen ballgown covered in bows and/or daisies? WHAT?

Ugh, I have lots to vent about so let's get started.

Green
Green was obviously the colour of the night. I don't take particular offence to the colour itself, but rather, the way in which it is worn.

Elisabeth Moss was DEFINITELY the worst of the green wearers. This dress, I heard, was made specifically for her. Then what the hell is the excuse for such a terrible fit? She is a petite girl, why the awkward bunching around the hips? Why the misplaced draping around her midsection? Vom. 

I am kind of ambivalent about Mila Kunis. It's not a disaster, but it's not particularly flattering. Gorgeous colour on her though, nice shape, and beautiful coral makeup to offset the green. Overall: approve.

Angelina Jolie still has me perplexed. I have ranged from overwhelmingly ecstatic that she is wearing colour (!!!) to horrified by the awkward fit on her very thin frame (note how she's still trying to cover her arms) to just 'meh'. So. I dunno.

Catherine Zeta-Jones on the other hand, knocked this outta the park. And thank God, because I miss the divine CZJ. Also, I sniffled when Michael Douglas got a standing ovation when he came onstage and said "there must be an easier way to get a standing ovation than this" - sads! But awe.

Vomit. Just...vomit.
Totally horrified by all of these, for various reasons.

UUUGHHH. She is so talented and yet she makes me despise her so. She is so damn full of Try! Gurl, you are SO YOUNG you don't need to do the ball gown to every damn red carpet. ESPECIALLY not the Globes. ESPECIALLY not in nausea-inducing bubblegum pink. And let's not get started on the overwhelming emotion you felt when your buddy Chris Colfer won. Just quietly, to me, it looked like you were in pain. Like the universe had robbed you of the spotlight you so deserved. Vom to you.

I hate Country Bitch Carrie Underwood. Apparently she is notoriously bitchy and high maintenance so I have the right to irrationally hate her. But more importantly, I hate her style, or lack thereof. It is always sparkly, it is always showgirl and it is always Blah. To further add insult to injury, she has had her hair styled in a french twist (!!!!!!!!) She was not the only one to do so, but her french twist coupled with the two tendrils at her jawline is just too much to handle.

Another french twist. Memo to Hollywood lameshits: stop trying to make them happen, they're not going to happen. I have never been a fan of Eva Longoria. She always seems to be in fishtail gowns (blegh anyway, blegh again for repeated offences) and at the Globes it was patently clear that she was trying to remind us "Hey look! I am getting divorced! I am a victim and mourning for my marriage! I can't even smile or wear lipstick for the Globes!" C'mon now, if you were suffering so bad, why are you there? You're not nominated or anything.

Self-explanatory really. I love you Halle but WHAT. 

Heidi Klum. For me, she is another repeat offender. I always seem to hate her hair and makeup especially. This is no different. What a fucking mess. She looks like a half-assed clown.

I have issues with sparkly and I have issues with ball gowns. Olivia Wilde you disappoint me on both accounts. To further shit all over this, you have not even bothered to put your hair up. A loose, messy chignon would have elevated this already faltering look but instead, your limp tresses leave little to be desired. I don't get you.

HAHAHAHA. Oh J-Lo did you make me LOL or what when I saw this. Seriously. I just...what? What is that? That sparkly veil thing? Are you serious? Is this what you think will endear you to middle America just as you're about to debut on 'American Idol'?You look like you're going to a fancy quincinera. And it's YOUR quincinera.

And at the after party it just got worse. 

Jennifer Love Hewitt despite the fact that this is revolting, I have to forgive you for your Globes outfit. I mean, you were there nominated for your role as a hooker who worked as a manicurist who had to turn to hooking because of the recession. You were nominated alongside Clare Danes as Temple Grandin and Dame Judi Dench. So instead of slaughtering you, I want to thank you for making that happen. 

MICHELLE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? You are like my favourite! I fucking love you! What is going on here? Daisies aren't a thing! Daisies have never been a thing! YOUR DRESS IS BEING HELD UP BY SEASHELLS! SEASHELLS!!!! And despite your divine coral makeup (how long have I been harping on about coral for? Seriously. Gorgeous.) I know what you are capable of. So this makes me sad. Remember this:

 

Groan-worthy acceptance speech here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLVUwSZtJMs

 Look at it. Look at That Thing that she chose to wear. It gets worse at every angle. It is a fucking pink sheet held up by a sparkly red rose. Is it Valentine's Day? This girl is campaigning HARD for an Oscar. Her bullshit stance on keeping her private life private is bullshit. She is milking her pregnancy and her romance for this Oscar and her speech nearly made me set myself on fire. Never in a million years did I think I would hate on Natalie Portman for anything, but all my love for her is gone. GONE. Also, apparently she is a big bitch. I believe it. Oh and she's also rockin' the french twist. Because it's 1983 and she is a wealthy 45-year-old socialite. 

 




















Kate Hudson is here to remind us that there is NO EXCUSE for looking fug and uncool while pregnant. No excuse!

I like.
All of these following looks appealed to me at the Globes. You may wanna fight me, but I don't care. But there's something about each of them that stands out amongst the shit.

I know, I know. But it's different. It's not a sparkly sugary princess confection. She's not trying to be That Girl and I love her for it. She did it with that AMAHZING Versace number at the Emmy's last year and she did it again. This is how you do. Love her or hate her she is a breath of fresh air. Also, her hair and makeup are always perfection.

Clean, beautiful lines and a gorgeous colour. Emma Stone can do no wrong in my eyes and I really liked the minimalism of this dress. She doesn't need Swarovski crystals.

 

Kyra Sedgwick = uber babe. One half of one of my fave Hollywood couples and totally banging. Love the colour, love the jewellery, love the gorgeous ponytail. This is my new favourite hairstyle.

Annie! Annie was my absolute favourite!!! So glad I have met her and like her now so I can be loving all over this without hating myself. But it's so polished and glam and sexy that I feel like I should be calling her Anne now. Divine. Good job Team Zoe! And good job Anne for pulling it off so splendidly.

Honourable mention: Amber Riley. I know it is sparkly. BUT it fits her so gorgeously, clings in all the right spots and flatters her so perfectly, how can I deny that she knocked this outta the park? Also, like Anne's, it's a bit hardcore and metallic and therefore a bit edgy so Amber and Anne definitely win out of all the sparklies.

Who cares?
These three ladies are so rad and nutso, it really does not matter what the fuck they decide to wear. Team crazy!

Helena Bonham Carter is wearing odd shoes!!! I fucking love her. She's sure to make the 'Worst Dressed' lists next week but I don't know why those mags bother - it's HBC! She can do whatever the fuck she wants! Ditto for Tilda. And actually, Annette does not look half so kooky as I have come to expect. Team Annette for the Best Actress Oscar! Fuck you N.Port.

The Men
Seriously, the men really showed how it's done at the Globes this year. Sure, it's one thing showering and putting on a suit compared to what the women go through but these dudes all showed us how to be elegant, yet stylish and how important it is to wear an outfit that fits right. Rawr.

My new love Andrew Garfield is looking very suave isn't he? I really like his gait. His posture, his body in a suit, that face...so fine. Jake Gyllenhaal is just a given. Any excuse to put him on my blog. On the other hand, it's been a while since R-Pattz got any love from me but I did so love his navy suit the other night. It fit like a dream and he owned it. Nothing much better than a sexy man in a sexy suit. I'm lookin' at you Ryan Gosling.

Cringe-worthy
Ugh. Nicole Kidman. Why must you torture me so? Not only was your outfit completely blah but I was actually physically cringeing when I a) saw your face and b) witnessed your embarrassing and overt false displays of affection. We get it. You love each other. Stop trying to sell it to us. And go back to wearing amazing dresses! I truly used to consider your style infallible. Also, I miss your face.

P.S. Most pics borrowed from LaineyGossip.com, JustJared.com, gofugyourself.com, InStyle.com - I think.
P.P.S. Oh and you've seen Ricky Gervais' monologue right? Amazing, non? I swear I almost came when he referred to the closeted Scientologists (I have been telling all y'all that Tom Cruise and John Travolta are gay for a million years but nobody listens to me!!!) and called out the HFPA for wanting The Brange to come so bad that they bribed them with nominations. So much love. It's here if you haven't seen it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvHXzP2SpLA

New Nick Hornby thanks.

'A Long Way Down' is my favourite book in ever, of all time. I re-read it constantly, wondering if I've missed some nuance, a joke, a reference - I haven't - but each time it feels new and exciting and I marvel at how good it is. It is really good. Seriously, even Johnny Depp likes it (that's how I got my picky cousin to read it).

Anyway, I love reading it. I love reading any Nick Hornby novel (particularly 'About A Boy' and 'High Fidelity') and I am now absolutely desperate for a newbie. It feels like it's been ages since a new Hornby novel...because it has. It would seem that our friend Nick got distracted working on an album with Ben Folds. Underachiever. So he hasn't had a lot of time. But I'm sending out a plea to Hornby, to cyberspace, to the world: PLEASE DELIVER ME A NEW BOOK I AM ABOUT TO CRAWL OUT MY SKIN.

To comfort myself, I've not only been re-reading 'A Long Way Down' but simply poring through memorable Hornby quotes. The gift he has with words is truly amazing. They make you laugh at first, but then you feel a choking lump in your throat and then a lightbulb goes off and you're like "OH! You just perfectly encapsulated that experience that I had that one time!" It's pretty great.

So purely for my own indulgence, I will be posting a series of blogs consisting solely of Nick Hornby quotes from a variety of sources. It's been such an arduous task compiling my favourites.

Give Boobs Legsly a rest

Ugh. It's been a while since I've done a post hating on Boobs Legsly (Blake Lively for the uninitiated, but it's pretty self-explanatory) so I thought it was time for an update.

I was so happy for a while. I'm not sure if you heard, but she lost out on the role of Daisy in Baz Luhrman's upcoming adaptation of 'The Great Gatsby'.Carey Mulligan got the role instead. What actually kills me is that Blake thought SHE was a viable option to be cast in the role.

This:

Really thought it could compete with this:

Carey Mulligan in the above picture is showing more emotion than Blake Lively has ever portrayed in her entire career. And yet they persist. Wintour and Lagerfeld they insist that she is the Next Big Thing. Endless Vogue covers and a new (inevitable) Chanel campaign all trying to tell us that Boobs Legsly is an amazingly talented actress, a style icon, worthy of our time. Are you fucking kidding me?

Regardless of talent (has to be regardless, because she doesn't have any) her sartorial choices alone scream "Tits and Ass!" Is that a style icon now? Was that what Kate Moss was doing all this time? You might be wondering why I am devoting an entire blog to this bitch if I hate her so much. I am one of those lame internet people who sit behind their keyboards and type mean things who is jealous, etc etc. I am not denying that her body is Out. Of. This. World. Amazing. But I'm sick of having her shoved in my face by Hollywood and the fashion industry. There are so many others who are more worthy! (In this blog I have only outlined a few. It just so happened that's who's pictures I felt like looking at tonight - but there are oh so many others.)

Compare for yourselves:

This is who they're telling us is a style icon. Please. Like, we know your body is banging, please stop trying to remind us at every opportunity, it is unnecessary. It does not make you a style icon. Note in the last pic she is actually holding the split of her dress apart, in case you missed it.

But hey! The sole purpose of this post is not simply to be a Debbie Downer. I can be positive too! I like people! These next lovely ladies are not necessarily the MOST talented actresses or MOST stylish people everz in the world but every single one of them is a better option than Blake Lively. I can't wait until she realises that her tits won't get an Oscar, or even the roles she wants. Memo to Boobs: mumbling through every scene and not moving your face does not equate to good acting. Even Kristen Stewart is better than you. Yeah, that's right. And she dresses better too.

Kristen Stewart

 




















Leighton Meester
I think it is criminal that BL's career is better than Leighton's right now (but I hear she's pretty good in the upcoming 'Country Strong' - wouldn't be hard to act in love with Garrett Hedlund though). Leighton is not only more stylin' but she is infinitely more versatile. I love her.

Like, she's just BETTER. Congrats on your Vera Wang campaign Leigh-Leigh!

Emma Stone
So much fucking love. Emma is not only versatile and amazing on the red carpet but also onscreen. Girl can act and she is endearing and funny and normal-like. I think this is her year anyway. Spiderman (WITH MY MAN ANDREW GARFIELD) should elevate her profile. If only SHE was banging Ryan Gosling instead...but the stars, they don't always do what we want. Dang.

Carey Mulligan
Duh. Carey is obviously the cream of the crop. There's no comparison really between her and Blake and yet Blake thinks she is worthy of the same roles. She is going up against all these girls - Mulligan, Knightley, Portman - and thinks she is in the same league. Bitch, please.

See how in comparison Blake just seems full of Try? (Well put Lainey). So to Anna Wintour and Karl Lagerfeld I want to say: stop pushing it. We don't buy it, any of it - her style icon-ness or her talent. So stop shoving her in my face. To her agents: find her a nice fluff piece and stop embarrassing yourselves by campaigning for roles like Daisy.

Sit DOWN Boobs Legsly.

I want my mummy and daddy

I am SUCH a baby.

My parents are currently here, far away in Fiji:

They left this morning and the house is empty (my brother even has a life and is hanging out at his friends' place) and I already miss my mum and dad. HOW LAME AM I? You're probably thinking "really really lame Aph, especially considering they will be back in only 8 days" and you might be right but I just hate being alone all the time.

Like, this morning I was at the gym and there's a new trainer there now and she was all like "woah! you are so strong and wicked, check you out!" and I was all happy and beaming and wanting to come home and tell my dad because he is all about getting me fit at the moment and giving me tips and stuff and then I came home and forgot nobody would be here, so I couldn't tell anyone about my happy moment of the morning.

It doesn't sound like anything exciting or anything, but, you know, it's the kind of thing I tell my parents because they're the only people on the planet that will care about that stuff too. Anyway. I'm sure they are having fun and that is more important. For both of them, it's the first time they've been overseas since they were little kids. So good for them. I'm sending you cyber love guys <3 Oh and buy me something pretty.

P.S. My mum isn't even here to celebrate the BEST NEWS of ever: Jakey broke up with Swifty! The world is back as it should be.