More Bloody Machina

A WHITE BALL GOWN WITH A SILVER CUFF DOES NOT A 'THEME' MAKE JUST FYI.

Ok now that we've got THAT out of the way, and you can see sort of the tone this is going to take may I just say, sheeeeeit it has been a while since we've talked awards season fashun. Not entirely sure what happened to me between October-Right Now, but fair to say the time has come again. I'm ready.

The theme was "Manus x Machina: Fashion in the Age of Technology"…which as I mentioned apparently translates to a lot of white and silver. I just want it known that the Boobs Legslys and the Mindy Kalings and the Kate Hudsons and the Amber Heards of the world will not be featured here today. Because such giant epic failures of thematic disappointment have yet to exist until now (evidently I've lived a charmed life). So. Hope we are on the same page here.

Things That Made Me Go "Ugh, no...oh…maybe…yeah...it's good!"...As in, I've been thinking about it all day and looked at the angles and ok maybe I was wrong the first time and I will HAPPILY ADMIT IT.

THESE ARE PANTS. Who knew? This was also like entirely made out of plastic bottles or something. I ended up loving it. I am always biased for Emma.

Yes, this did look like another boring white + flash of silver ensemble initially but then I saw it on screen and the armour-like quality of the 'belt' dazzled me. It's so much more than a belt. She looks like the bloody queen of dragons.

This looks incredibly boring and goes against every nature of my being to include such a 'ball gown' in this column but…the birds lit up with her twitter mentions! THE BIRDS. TWITTER. 

God this is good. She is the only Kardashian I am featuring here because it was the only look I could stomach today. She looks perfectly modern and fresh and futuristic AND she got to feature her amazing body with those cutouts. Everyone wins.

Just, Nope.

Yes, yes, yes, it lights up. I get it. But it did not even light up on the red carpet. It was just yet another ill-fitting, pastel, taffeta Zac Posen ball gown number and I just can't accept that. I never will. Technology fail.

What. The theme…I just…nope. And you are so much better than this Chastain.

Nah but for real the China: Through The Looking Glass theme was last year. Did she miss the memo?

Of ALL the things Kristen Stewart could have worn for a theme that is so perfectly well suited to her, she chose this. A re-tread of a look she has already done better.

This was also assless. And the bandages look like they are cutting into her. Anyway. Just leaving this here.

Oooooh Nicki. Whyyyy? It's not even just whacky in a fun cracked out way it's just bad.

Purely here for underwhelming me. One of my all time faves despite it all, I expect so much more from Sienna. Like a star pupil who fails even with a solid B+.

Doesn't hurt as much as this one though. From an annual highlight who brings such lewks as this, this, and this I don't even know where this casual little Sunday pantsuit came from. It's like when Carrie wore the fugly ass fugly skirt suit to her own damn wedding. Crushing disappointment and the knowledge that nothing is right in the world.

HAHAHA Little J is right alright. This one here looks like a deranged ballerina who is desperately trying to live up to her bleached blonde hair. And failing miserably. How DARE she co-chair alongside my boy Idris.

She's a…peacock…at an event revolving around technology. I think I missed the link here. Maybe they are recycled bottle caps or something.

YAS, SLAY, YASSSS

My girl FKA Twigs can do no wrong and I think she looks like a stunning modern warrior woman. I'm into it. And R-Pattz has never been more attractive than when he is standing next to her. GET MARRIED ALREADY!

Hot. Mess. And yet...I am here for it. All of it. #nailedit

Idris Elba. In Tom Ford. Smizing at me. My heart is lit-er-ally a-flutter.

I want these boots *insert whinging emotional emoji distressed face*

I mean. Obviously. Queen Lupita continues to Queen all over us and I am basking in the glory.

No but really, I want these boots. I miss Michelle Williams so much throughout the year that I genuinely get excited to see her at the Met. I think she killed this look in the way only she could. Unless, like, Tavi.

There have never been cooler siblings ever and I accept I will never be worthy. Look at them! The attitude seeps out from the screen and I feel blessed just taking it all in.

Honestly, nothing groundbreaking really, but fucking hell they are a gorgeous couple. He also has robot arms, which I applaud. One of the more interesting male ensembles of the evening. Also Gigi omg you're so pretty. Love you.

Not to jinx it but I can't imagine a world where Zendaya will ever be on any other list than a "YAS, SLAY, YAS" list. I am so deeply into her, I need to chill.

#LEMONADE #FUCK #YES #SLAY #BECKYSKIN #DUSTTOSIDEBITCHES #MIDDLEFINGERSUP

Phew. Obviously Lemonade took over my life since the moment my Queen Bey dropped it and just when I thought she wasn't coming to the Met this year because of her tour, she goes and does this to me. And then Solange was Lemonade. I literally cannot. How can one make latex such an impressive silhouette and so perfectly crafted to a person's physique? And how does she legit look so flawless in it? I don't know. But there she goes, so reckless in her Givenchy dress, as I pick my damn self off the floor. I bet those two had the best time at the party.

A meeting with Zoe Foster Blake

Today I had the absolute pleasure of finally meeting the divine Zoe Foster Blake in person. The 9 To Thrive Business Chicks expo was a gathering of influential, ambitious and overall lovely women and Zoe was one of many inspirational speakers at the event.

My highlight was obviously hearing Zoe's talk and getting a chance to chat with her briefly afterwards (basically basking in her glory while trying desperately not to gush *out loud*). She's funny, she's kind, she's generous and she's been wildly successful forging her own career path and doing what she loves - from beauty editor to founder and CEO of her own (awesome) skincare line Go-To.

So to celebrate my buzzy high after such a fun day, I thought it would be a good time to post the interview I did with Zoe for a site I used to write for aaaages ago. I emailed her on a whim back then and she was gracious enough to entertain my request with thoughtful, funny and insightful answers and I was eternally grateful. Enjoy!

Meet the divine Zoe Foster, giving Amazing Face since always.

Age: 31

Occupation: Author and journalist

Company: Why not! Bring some chips?

Current Location: Syd/Melb

Favourite City: New York

Zoe, you started out your career as a Beauty Editor first at Cosmopolitan and then Harper’s BAZAAR – how did you find yourself in this (some would say ‘dream’) role?

I was arrogant enough to apply for a job at Dolly magazine that I was utterly under qualified for. Nevertheless, Mia Freedman kept my flimsy little CV on file, and brought me onto Cosmo a few months later. I felt very out of my depth, but beauty is such a terrifically encouraging, kind industry that I was bullying women into aqua eyeliner in no time.

What are the biggest perks/downsides of being in this position at some of Australia’s most popular and influential magazines?

The perks, as predicted, are multiple and glorious: suddenly there is an inconceivable array of products and services at your fingertips and you have to – literally, it’s your job – try them all. There are no downsides. It’s one of the very best, and most enjoyable and privileged, jobs in the world.

Why did you decide to leave the flashy, glossy world of magazines to help create the amazing online beauty resource, Primped.com.au?

I was already blogging personally (fruitybeauty) and becoming quite enchanted with the liberties, the space, the engagement and the immediacy blogging afforded.  To be able to do this as my full time job, and for a much bigger audience, was rather intoxicating.

Considering your Beauty Editor and Primped background, would it be fair to say that you are now a Makeup Expert? Do you still find yourself learning new nifty tips and tricks? Can I have some?

It would be unfair to say that. I know a little bit about lots of different things, but am constantly learning new stuff. Each time I have my hair or makeup done I learn at least three things, two of which will make my previous technique look completely outmoded and laborious.

Now seriously, are you some kind of over-achiever or something, because in the midst of Beauty Editor-ing and Primped-ing you also found time to blog and write THREE books (‘Playing the Field’, ‘Air Kisses’ and ‘Textbook Romance’ – with your future hubby Hamish Blake. Cute!) Where do you find the time/motivation to have so many things going at once?!

I was a LOT more disciplined back then, when I was working full time and writing on the weekends. I used to write my books each Saturday morning from 6am – 10am, without fail, because otherwise it just wouldn’t get done. (I’m far less impressive now; I’m lucky to get a couple of tweets out in a four-hour period.)

How difficult was it to collate all the beauty information you have acquired over the years into your book/bible ‘Amazing Face’ (seriously ladies, RUN don’t walk to buy this book - it contains all the answers to all your beauty questions, ever)?

A lot of it was in my head and quite easy to lovingly dribble out onto the page. The most useful and quirky tips and tricks stick, they’re the ones you find yourself giving out at dinner parties, and re-writing again and again in new and thrilling ways. I wanted the book to be full of those tips, a kind of best of, I guess.

Your most recent book ‘The Younger Man’ was released earlier this year and it is as delightfully witty and hilarious as you are. As you’ve mentioned, this seems to be your least autobiographical novel, so did you find it easier or more difficult to write than the others? Why?

Harder AND easier, which is an annoying answer but truthful. I loved the freedom of creating entirely new people and situations and circumstances, but missed the laziness of my first novels, where I already had a mound of experiences and memories and conversations in my head to plagiarise.

Aside from gorgeous young 22-year-olds Abby also comes across a sneaky, competitive colleague who, in essence, screws her over. Considering the fact that you’ve worked in magazines and beauty, have you ever encountered or witnessed similar nastiness in these notoriously fierce industries?

I can say without a crossed finger or wink of an eye that I have not. I started in women’s magazines and beauty expecting to meet a rash of TV-sitcom style terrors, the kind of women who crushed your confidence in one stamp of a stiletto, and stole your ideas, and probably your boyfriends too, but “sadly” the only women I met were generous, kind, intelligent, charming, sweet and funny.

As a Proper Writer, what exactly does your typical day entail? Is it all midday yoga classes and endless coffee breaks? (i.e. are you living The Dream?)

How dare you! Just because it’s 11am and I am still wearing Pilates gear whose necessity expired several hours ago, and my only “appointment” today is to get to the post office, does not mean I am living some kind of wonderful, flexible writing dream ride! Only it does. And I am. And not a day passes when I don’t express gratitude for it. For me, being able to be anywhere in the world  (especially places that are beautiful, and exciting and inspiring) and still able to work was always deemed the highest luxury, and I am extremely lucky to be doing just that. It won’t last forever, but MAN am I sucking the marrow while I can.

If you could only use three beauty products for the rest of your life, which ones would you choose and why?

• Rosehip oil, so my skin is being all loved and nourished and ‘age-proofed’
• Dry shampoo, so I needn’t wash my hair very often, and would enjoy some great texture and volume
• Tinted moisturiser with SPF, so I am protected from the sun and have some glowy, sheer coverage. 

Why should people go out and buy your books right now, this very second?

Because Khloe and Lamar isn’t on for hours and you’ve already read The Hunger Games?

Finally, if you could get leathered with anyone in the world, past or present, who would it be?

Kristen Wiig.

P.S. New BFFs?

Your half of the charm necklace is already in the mail. (Told you I had to go to the PO today.)

A Taste of Awards Season...

It's starting again folks. The sweet, familiar scent of Awards Season tantalisingly hangs in the air and I felt it the second I woke up, tingling with excitement and anticipation. But today was different than most red carpet extravaganzas…there was something…off.

It likely started when I got to work and remembered that with my new fabulous corner-desk-with-a-view I no longer had a television nearby so that I could peak at the dresses, listen to the opening monologue and be immediately aware of a Julia Louis Dreyfuss audience-participation gag and get swept up in the experience. I mean, I am not complaining, I'm just saying. I was…disassociated.

It became worse whenever I caught a glimpse of Amy Poehler onscreen - where normally I would be overjoyed and excited, she's become painful to watch and it only reminds me of the three best Golden Globes of all time and pretty much every hilarious Emmys moment in recent history, but I just can't forgive her for this and it hurts.

Over in my corner and in the midst of the pain however, I did manage  to grasp tidbits of updates and all I could think was "what the fuck is an Olive Kitteridge" time and time again as this random title took out award after award as I felt awash with misapprehension of my own knowledge, fearing the overwhelming sensation of everything I thought I knew becoming irrelevant. I was detached, too removed and out of touch with pop culture.

But who cares, because I still have unsolicited, unwarranted and hopefully entertaining opinions about the fashun.

Oh Claire Danes. You are just the literal worst. Your hair in particular makes me feel like this. I'm done with you.

YAS Danielle Brooks you SLAY. Twirl that gorgeous gown and keep being fabulous I have nothing bad to say about you ever, other than hurry up and get with Poussey and accept you love her. Just ignore me while I live in my fantastyland that OITNB is real. 

As for this one…I don't get it. I don't get it for Alex, I don't get it for Donna and I just don't get it for Laura Prepon. And I sure as hell am not down with this dress bolero thing. 

YAAAAAAAS GAGA YAAAAAAAAS!!!! You look gorgeous gurl. No shade here, this is flawless from head to toe and I'm so excited to feel it for you once again. I mean, I loved your crazy shit as much as the next lil monster but I'm ready for THIS era of Gaga. *Applause emoji x8500 times*

Gwendolyn Christie is Brienne and she is as flawless in Real Life as she is in Reel Life and I'll never say a bad word against her. Not that I have to, because LOOK. 

This is not a surprise because I have literally never liked a single damn thing Heidi Klum has ever worn but this has to be one of the worst. It can't be that hard to make someone naturally stunning look even a little bit good. And yet, once again, she proves that it is? On what planet…?

And then you have Jamie Lee Curtis working what her mama gave her and being amazing at 56 years old, because why the fuck not. Beautiful.

Oh. Oh Jane Krakowski. I love you, but no matter how hard you pose you cannot make that dress look good. I'm so worried about how sore your back was after the red carpet.

I know what this looks like…I know it's a green pantsuit with a brooch and a weird neckline and yet…I can't hate on January Jones. For the final year of Mad Men at the Emmys, after always being a favourite with these shoes, this flawlessly crafted bodice, and my ultimate favourite Emmys dress of all time, I am glad you went out with a pantsuit and not a flamboyant pink ball gown or something gross and frou-frou like that for the finale of Mad Men.

Unlike Elisabeth Moss here.

Luckily, Julianne Hough and her brother Derek here remain the total fucking worst. Is that a figure skating outfit? Who knew I could hate a black outfit so vehemently? Who am I?

Julie Bowen on the other hand…! You know what, this is a pretty nothing dress and a totally forgettable Look but I have slammed her so many times I am legitimately overjoyed to give her this Win. Gone are the days of pink taffeta and red velvet as we welcome in a new age of perfectly fitting sleek black gowns. Yippee!

Kiernan Shipka is a flawless goddess who can do no wrong. And these perfectly tailored pants and fun dress are just as flawless. I am so excited to see her all grown up and picking as interesting outfits as her on-screen mum, January Jones. But Kiernan will be even better. I feel it in my bones.

I mean…every.single.detail. The yellow nails, the ring, the clutch, the colour of the gown and those perfectly placed cutouts…I bow at Laverne Cox's feet another day.

ACTUAL gasps for Lena Headey when I saw this. I fucking hate using the word 'fierce' but I actually don't know any other way to describe Queen Cersei. But Lena is even better. Swoooooon. 

Maggie Gyllenhaal actually has interesting, stunning, beautiful style so I think she's fucking with me. So I will refrain from playing into her little game and commenting on the vile grossness which she has put on her body. I will refrain. 

This…is not great. But I love Liev and Naomi so I'm going to go easy on her fugly, oddly-shaped dress and skip right along. Because favourites. We all have them. 

More OITNB queens! Natasha Lyonne and Yael Stone are serving up copious amounts of attitude and mutual adoration and I am so into it.

HOLY CRAP IT'S RED! I'm speechless. I got nothing. I am obsessed with this. I can't stop staring at her. If ever an out-of-character transformation deserved a slow clap, I mean, this is it.

Oh, and here is Samira Wiley, my fantasy girlfriend looking straight-up fucking flawless. Of course. HI SAMIRAPOUSSEY I LOVE YOU, JUST CASUALLY OVER HERE WAITING FOR YOU TO LOVE ME BACK EVEN THOUGH YOU AND LAUREN MORELLI ARE PROBS ONE OF MY ALL-TIME FAVE COUPLES OF ALL TIME BEING ALL CUTE AND STUFF BUT I'M STILL KIND OF HOLDING OUT FOR REALLY A FICTIONAL CHARACTER IF WE'RE BEING REAL BUT WHATEVER, NBD. 

Sarah Paulson always *just* upsets me with some kind of cray detail so I'm chalking this one up as a win. Great colour, detail and fit. I would have maybe chosen different makeup but now I'm just being picky. I already gave her the win, let's leave it at that.

I don't know if I like Sophie Turner's outfit or if I'm just excited she wore pants and there's something weird about the styling of it or if it's all just ugly I'm still not really sure I just can't figure it out I'm really tired and it's hurting my head so I'm just…posting the pic and leaving it. Next.

Damn this OITNB cast really is massive. Taryn Manning looks like an evil glamourous queen and I'm ok with that. I welcome it in fact.

Taylor Schilling/Piper is the worst. So is the hem of this gown. Pretty colour on her though and it's a hard one to pull off.

There are no words for how much I adore Uzo Aduba and the brilliance she brings to Crazy Eyes and the amount of crying I did when I finally watched her acceptance speech in full. So yes, she can wear pink taffeta and I will be happy about it.

Love this on Viola Davis but not as much as I loved her history-making win and honest, powerful acceptance speech. 

I am annoyed at the world that I had to search for more than ten minutes for a single image of Tatiana Maslany on the red carpet and yet Julianna Fucking Hough was everywhere. I am annoyed at a world where people don't know how truly amazing an actress she is and how she disappears into the numerous brilliant characters she plays in a single show. Mostly I am annoyed that not enough people watch Orphan Black to know how amazing Tatiana Maslany is. 

HO-LY SHIT. This might go down in history as one of my favourites of ALL DAMN TIME. Kerry Washington dang near blew my head off when I saw her arrive and stomp it out in this amazing ensemble in all her amazing glory. The whole thing is just…I don't even know…yep. I don't have to say anything. Just look.

And my favourite of the entire day/night. Taraji P. Henson is resplendent in this gown. Nothing could suit an individual more than this gown on Taraji with her ever-present essence of Cookie Lyon. I thought Cookie was my favourite fictional character on TV but actually I am so, so much happier that Taraji P. Henson exists in real life, in this dress, in my lifetime.